Blessed & Broken

Chapter 5

Student teaching had been going so great. I absolutely enjoyed being around all of those kids and it seemed to keep my mind busy. It was when I wasn’t at school, my thoughts wondered to my Guardian. Weeks had passed since I had last seen him and his memory was all that seemed to consume me. 

Being the weekend, I had already completed my homework and I had the day off from the restaurant. I needed to keep myself preoccupied, so I decided to make some brownies. That would at least kill about a half hour of my time.

As I made up the batter, memories of what my Guardian had told me and the things that I wished I would have asked him started to take over. The image of his beauty burned into my mind. I wanted to see him again, but how? I needed to try to communicate with him in some way. I thought back to when he came to visit me before. I remember it took days for him to arrive the last time I called on him.

I popped the brownies into the oven and went upstairs. I just couldn’t take the wanting to see him any longer. I went and knelt down on the floor with my elbows resting upon my bed. I closed my eyes and recited, “Dear Guardian, I was just wondering if you could come see me again?” I sighed heavily. “I know that you are probably busy and everything. But I would really be grateful.” As I sat upon my knees, I became lost in thought, thinking to myself how stupid this was. How much of a moron I was for thinking that even if this was all real, that this spirited being, so glorious and perfect, would ever have the time or even want to talk to someone as insignificant as me. I forced out a big frustrated breath of defeat and let my head fall to the bed. “What are you doing, Kali?”, I thought.

“You don’t have to pray to me for me to come visit you, you know,” a familiar man’s voice said out of nowhere. I sucked in a huge amount of air while my head came rocketing off of the bed. “Jesus Christ!”, I exclaimed. “Oh, he is a lovely man”, my Guardian stated sincerely. There he was, sitting there on my bed. My Guardian had returned to visit me. “You scared me”, I said holding my chest. I threw my hand over my mouth in, realizing the blasphemy I just shouted out. “I’m sorry”, I said embarrassed by my inappropriate outburst. 

“You wanted to talk to me?”, he asked. I did want to speak to him, but now with him being here, my mind went stark white blank. “Um, yeah, yeah”, I said shaking my head trying to get my mind to work again. I got up from off my knees and sat on the bed facing him. I looked down at the floor searching where to begin. I couldn’t believe that he was here with me again. “You weren’t busy, were you?”, I asked, trying to be polite. “I was with you”, he answered.

His words made me smile. His face was so kind and just looking at it made my mind go ever more blank. “I feel like I had so much to ask you, but somehow, all of it has escaped me.” I could feel his eyes staring at me as I put my head down again to think. “Um, so where are you from?” He looked right into my eyes and answered, “You already know that.” Well, I thought I knew. I guess I was just trying to break the ice. Besides, I am the type of person who likes to have concrete answers.

“Ok”, I nodded. “So, you say that you are my Guardian?” He nodded his head and said, “Yes.” I was quiet for a moment. “When did you become my Guardian?”, I asked. He replied, “When you decided that you wanted to take this journey.” I sat there slowly nodding my head as if it were helping the information settle in better.

“How did you get chosen to be my Guardian?” His facial expressions never changed. “You made that choice. You asked me if I would help you, and so that’s when we made the agreement. We went over all that you wanted to learn and experience. It is then my duty to make sure that you stay on your course”, he said honestly. “How do you do that?”, I asked.

He leaned towards me a little and said low, “Do you know that little tiny voice in your head that seems to pop out of nowhere?” I nodded with my forehead creased. “Sometimes that voice, isn’t always yours.” He sat straight again. I looked at him with one eyebrow arched up. “Yeah, right,” I said is disbelieveable laughter. This was just too much now. “You don’t believe me?”, he asked now raising one of his brows. I laughed some more and shook my head back and forth. “I’m sorry, but no.” I got stopped right in my tracks when I could now hear his voice in my head, but his lips weren’t moving. “Your brownies are burning.”

My eyes widened when all of a sudden, I could smell the aroma of the baked goods I had put in the range to cook. “Oh, s**t! My brownies!” I ran down the stairs, into the kitchen and quickly pulled the pan out of the oven. My mind must have been so preoccupied that I forgot to set the timer. I stood there starring at the stove, trying to catch my breath. He stood across the kitchen and asked, “Believe me now?” All I could do was look at him.

After I caught my breathe, I raised my hands in defeat. “Ok, ok”, I said in agreement. Then I asked, “How do you do that?” He slightly titled his head and said, “It’s just the way we communicate.” I folded my arms and more questions started coming to mind. “How come you don’t have wings?”, I asked. He raised his eyebrows and said, “Because I’m not an Angel. I’m a Guardian. We are a much different species.” 

My questions seemed to come faster now. “How come I have never seen you before?” He took in a polite sigh and let it out. I’m sure he knew this was going to be a long conversation. “Well, you have. We knew each other before you made your journey. You just don’t see me as much now because this is something that you need to complete with very little distraction. But, be mindful, I am always with you. We are all, always with you.”

My head lifted slightly. “Even my dad?”, I asked as my face sank.  My Guardian nodded. “Yes, he is.” I didn’t want to be rude by asking, but I did anyway, “How come I can see you, but not him?” His face lightened. “God gave me permission to show myself to you. Your Father didn’t want to make his leaving more difficult on you, as if he would have to leave you again. One day, you will understand.” I understood that a little.

“Ok,” I said, getting ready to playfully call him out. “If you are supposed to guide and protect me, how come when I was three, I fell off of the chair, hitting my head, and had to go to the hospital to get stitches. I mean, couldn’t you have caught me or something?” His shoulders dropped and he shook his head a bit. “Because, it was what you chose to experience. I cannot stand in the way even if the outcome is unpleasant.” I looked at him as if he was crazy. “I chose to experience slicing my head open?” He nodded. “Yes. You made that decision so that you could give others the opportunity to show compassion and understanding.” I looked at him through my lashes, because this was just not making sense.

“You see, when something not so great happens to you, it gives others the opportunity to advance and fulfill their duties. In essence, you are helping others along while also experiencing everything that this life comes with.” I shook my head slowly and said, “Maybe someday I will get that too.” He agreed, “Yes, one day, you will.”

He pointed to the window and said,” Your friend is back.” I walked over and looked outside to see a squirrel playing in the grass. I smiled and asked, “Did you bring him along?” I turned around to find that I was once again alone. “Hello”, I called out. My Guardian was gone.

From that day on, I would call my Guardian more often until he would start showing up daily. He would also leave as quickly as he came. I was just grateful for the time I was able to spend with him, even if it was only for a few moments. His beauty got to me every time and I’m not sure that feeling would ever change. He would allow me to ask questions. Some he would answer and some he wouldn’t. 

One night, when my mom and George had gone out, I sat on the couch to check what was on T.V. I stopped on a comedy that I hadn’t seen in a while. Of course, I was also thinking of my Guardian, seeing as he was the only thing that I really ever thought about nowadays.

“Hello, Kalia,” he said from behind me. I jumped a little, but I was getting used to him just popping up. “Hi”, I said enthusiastically with a smile. I was always so happy to see him. “Come sit with me”, I said patting the seat in the middle of the couch. He walked over and took a place beside me. “How are you?”, I asked. He looked at me and politely nodded. Once again, my thoughts went to nonexistent and he turned his face toward the television.  I did the same.

I forgot what a great show this was. It seemed to lift my mood as I laughed out loud. One part had me cracking up so hard, that out of reaction, I reached out and touched my Guardian’s arm. All of a sudden, this loud awkward sound came from his mouth. It was a distorted laugh of someone who had never laughed before.

I looked at him with a face of shock, awe, and surprise. He looked at me with wide eyes. “What the hell was that?”, I shrieked as uncontrollable laughter took over me. “I don’t know”, he said in confusion. For the first time ever, he was returning a smile to me. My laughter died down after a few moments. My Guardian sat there with a breath-taking grin. However, I could tell that something was on his mind. He looked at me and said, “I must go.”

I looked back at him, unsure if maybe I had done something wrong. He moved off of the couch and started to walk around it. I adjusted my body so that I could turn around to say something, but it was too late. He had gone.

I had a hard time getting to sleep that night. I tried to remember back to everything that had happened that evening. Nothing jumped out at me that would have made him need to go so quickly. One thought that had always entered my mind when he wasn’t around was, “Would I ever see him again.?” The thought hurt me. I can’t explain the way that I felt with him. I felt a sense of security, like I was safe with him. He was my protector. The image of him smiling entered my mind. It was so kind, so charming. It was genuine. Sleep did eventually prevail that night, but only in small doses.

“Kalia”, I heard a whisper. “Kalia.” I couldn’t tell if I was dreaming. “Kalia”, I heard my name being called again. Nope, I wasn’t dreaming. I sat up in bed, my heart pounding with adrenaline. “It’s just me”, the gentle voice said softly. I tried to make my eyes adjust to the darkness when I saw my angelic Guardian standing next to my bed. I took a deep breath in and exhaled the anxiety out.

I adjusted myself up on my pillows. “What’s the matter?”, I asked sleepily. He sat on the edge of my bed with a smile so wide, that it took my breath away. He went on to tell me what he found out. “Earlier, when I came to visit you, we were sitting next to each other and you touched me.” I slumped my shoulder and said, “I am so sorry. I guess I just did that out of instinct.” He seemed antsy. “No, Kalia”, he said. “What were you feeling?” 

His question confused me. My mind was still in a slumbery fog. I tried to remember back to what he was talking about. I recalled watching the comedy earlier that night. Then it occurred to me, that when I did reach out to touch his arm, I was in a fit of laughter. Then the sound of his awkwardness followed. I let out a giggle when I remembered. “Yes, well”, I said. “I guess I was feeling happy.”

His smile got brighter. “You see, I was confused on what this feeling was, so I went to talk with Mother God. She told me that what I was feeling was called emotions. She told me that there were many different ones and that the one I felt was one of the good ones!”, he spoke in a frenzy. For one, the context of what he just told me was extremely hard to wrap my head around and two, this man figure that sat before me, my Guardian, looked as innocent as a child. I took another deep breath through my nose, trying to categorize my thoughts.

“Mother God?”, I questioned. “God really is a woman?” “Well, part of God is”, he answered. He could tell I was stumped by the look on my face, so he went on. “God is both male and female by nature. Father God, he is the energy, the matter, every single particle in existence, is held into place by him. God truly is in everything.” My brain was becoming more aware as I was finding all of this fascinating. “He is the light, the air.” My Guardian paused for a moment and looked off. “He is a dynamic, magnificent force that even the most sophisticated of words could not describe.” We sat in a moment of silence.

 “What about Mother God?”, I asked. A smile grew on to his face. “Oh, she is amazing. She is the movement, the form, everything solid. She is a powerful being and her beauty is pure. Her love is the utmost unconditional love that has ever existed.” I’m not sure what it was, but everything my Guardian was telling me, made me feel homesick for something I didn’t even know truly existed.

“So, wait”, I stopped. “You don’t know what feelings are? You don’t have any feelings?” He looked at me thoughtfully and said, “No. I was made differently than you.” Come to think about it, I never did see him show any sort of emotion before tonight. Before I could ask any more questions, my eyelids seemed as if they had ten-pound weights hanging from them. It must have been done purposely so that I couldn’t ask any more questions tonight. I guess he just really needed to get out what he newly discovered about himself.