Her Only Dream

Chapter Eleven

***Kathrine's POV***

    It's been over a year since I pushed him away, and I still find myself looking for any information I can about him, I still read the letter that he wrote me, keeping it safe and stored away.  I dream of the days that he was happy and laughing, the sound of his voice and the way that he'd hold me.  Those dreams got me through a long time, and then holding my second daughter and taking care of her, I was soon to tired to focus on much except getting through each day.  I'd become the manager of the cafe where I work, though after that day, I never saw Jake come in again.  

    The girls were out though on this day with a family member, so I could have a break, and I was resting when I felt my phone vibrate, the number on it seemed familiar, but I couldn't place from where, but when I opened the message, I was shocked.

    :Hey Kat!  It's Jake.  I was hoping you could help me out.  I kind of need a ride home, and was hoping you could help me out.:

    :Sure, where are you at and I'll come give you a ride.:  It couldn't be that bad right.  It's been over a year, I'm sure that nothing will happen.  I waited for the message, and when I got the location, headed right out.  

    I found a spot to park, waiting to see him again, and when I did, my heart broke all over again, but I had gotten better about hiding my emotions, and I knew then and there, that it didn't matter how many years passed, he'd be the only one that I would never be able to get over, and if I hadn't done what I did, he might have still been mine.

    "Hey there stranger."  I called out with a smile, I'd try my damnedest to hide what I was feeling and thinking, I'd set him free to try and help him, I wouldn't waste that by showing how much I missed him.

    "Well howdy!  Long time no see!  Thanks again for coming to get me!"

    "No problem, how have you been?"

    We settled into my car, and he started talking about the last year, he had moved on, but it wasn't as happy as I had hoped for, he was in a custody battle for his daughter, and my heart ached for him.  He was alone again, and I could hear the pain in his voice when he told me what he had been through.  We carefully avoided talking about the past until I got to the place he directed me to.

    "I missed you, a lot, but I couldn't talk to you after what you did.  I still don't know why you did that Kat, but I'm not going to push and I don't even know if I could handle hearing why right now, but it was good to see you today, and thank you for the ride."

    "I missed you too, and I understand, I don't think there is an answer that I could give for what I did."  I looked away and thought back to the past.  "I don't expect to be forgiven for that, but I will wish you the best of luck with everything, you deserve better than what has happened.  If you ever need anything let me know, even if it is just a ride."  He nodded and got out, and I watched the man I had dreamed of too many times walk away, and as I drove home, I found that one could actually drive with tears pouring from your eyes if you knew how to do it.

    Time passed, I tried to forget, but I couldn't, I tried to move on, but the letter stayed where I could read it here and there, the pain in my heart a constraint companion to my life, and I thought that it was only appropriate for me to hurt so much after causing him the pain I did.  Karma at it's finest, still he was never far from my thoughts.  We received notice that Borders was bankrupted, and that all the stores would be closing, and people thought that when I went to a certain table in a corner or when I stroked the counter where we served the drinks, that I was thinking of the store closing, that the tears I would shed were based on the fact that we were closing, but they weren't, it was the knowledge that I was loosing the last connection aside from the letter, I would have nothing but that left to look at and remember when I was happy, when I felt safe and loved, but I would also be letting go of what couldn't be anymore.

    I started a new job after that, and put all my effort into that, working hard to get promoted, to get something harder to do so that I could loose myself in the work.  I thought it was working, I finally found someone that was marginally passable, someone I could tolerate, and started dating him.  It wasn't the safe loved feeling that Jake had given me, but I wasn't alone, so maybe it would be okay.  

   Soon I'd be going over to see the new guy in my life, but there was a knock on the door, one I wasn't expecting, and there was Jake again.  Have you ever tried to take a shattered crystal, piece it together, shard by shard, only to watch it explode all over again while pretending that nothing happened?   That was my heart after seeing him again, it had been a few years, and I still loved him, but I knew I couldn't be forgiven, I didn't deserve that chance. 

    "Hey there!  Was in the neighborhood and wanted to see how you were doing!"  I stood back letting him into the house.  We talked and it felt almost like it had at the beginning, I felt like crying, and begging him to forgive me, but I couldn't.  I messed up, I had my chance, and I had accepted my choices, but I wished so much in that moment that I could take back everything I had done, it was a physical pain I hid with a laugh, and I pushed it away as hard as I could, knowing that regardless of having been in a new relationship, for less than a month even, if Jake asked me to, I'd follow him anywhere, if I could just have that one chance again.  Yet as we said our goodbyes, I felt a finality there, it had been a little over five years now that we had known each other, meeting here and there, but this time goodbye seemed different, I had to say goodbye to the dream I had pushed away, knowing that while wrote words that would easily be taken one way, if one read them the wrong way, they were my final prayer for someone else to find what I knew in that moment, I would never be able to have now.  I hoped the one that I loved more than almost anything would find that special someone that would love and value them more than anything, without knowing the next eight years would be a living nightmare for me.