Graceless

Where have all the good men gone

It felt strange to sit across from Noah, who wore the same sadness is his eyes than she did, but hurt for so many different reasons. He was waiting expectantly for Odelle to tell him what had happened with Ferryn and like always, he didn’t push or rush her. Something about Noah did bother Odelle, he seemed completely present and yet there was a distance to him that she had never noticed before. He drummed his fingers on the table and Odelle realized that she had been staring out the window without really seeing anything the entire time. It was completely dark out by now and very few people still lingered in the streets. The people in the diner were mostly those who worked there, or cops coming off of or going on patrol and people like her and Noah who just needed to be somewhere that wasn’t home.

She put her hands around the coffee cup, letting the warmth soak into her skin before she began speaking, “I don’t really know what to say. Nothing serious happened. We didn’t have a fight, things were actually going pretty great if you ask me, but I was obviously oblivious to the truth.”

Noah tilted his head slightly back, “So he just left? No warning? No explanation?” something in the way he said those words felt cold to Odelle, she’d never heard Noah’s voice sound so, hateful.

“Yes and no,” the cup was starting to burn her hands, “He was very cryptic about some things. I thought that maybe he was just being philosophic or talking in metaphors, but the last few days he said things like ‘To love is to risk being destroyed or to destroy, there is no other way’ and ‘You’ve always burned so bright, even when they tried to dim your light. They had no idea you’d become this strong’. I have no idea what he meant, but I guess I understand now that he was saying goodbye without having to say it.” Her grip on the cup had become so tight that her knuckles were turning white.

Noah put his hand on her arm and with the other hand, gently lifted the cup out of Odelle’s grip. He always seemed to notice things that no one else did. “Elle,” he said the nickname he gave her so fondly, that just the sound of it brought more tears to her eyes, “I don’t know what he meant either and I have to be honest, right now I hate the son of a b***h for doing this to you, but we have to believe that he left for a good reason.”

Odelle was suddenly furious, she couldn’t believe that Noah out of all people would side with Ferryn. When they had first met the two men had practically walked circles around each other with their hackles raised and their teeth exposed. They just barely got along before Noah left and now he was defending Ferryn?

“How can you even say that, Noah? You hated him,” she said and plead with her eyes.

Noah shook his head and the corners of his eyes wrinkled, “No Elle, I didn’t hate him, maybe only strongly disliked,” he gave a half smile that never reached his eyes, “I knew from the start that you’d end up with him. There was just something different about you when you were around him Elle, good different. You weren’t so guarded and angry anymore, you let him in. I guess I was jealous, because it took months before you trusted me well enough to do that and even then you didn’t tell me everything. But the way he looked at you Elle,” he ran a hand over his face, “he looked at you like he’s been in love with you for years. He knew you Odelle, he just knew. I wanted to hate the bastard, but I saw how you floated when he was around and he didn’t even seem to care that there were other people in the world. All he cared about was you Elle,” Noah slid the cup back to her without making eye contact, saying the things he did seemed to hurt, “It’s only because of that, that I’d really like to believe that he didn’t just leave without a good reason.”

Odelle saw that Noah’s shoulders were slumped; there was no trace of his usual causality in his posture. He looked like someone who was very tired from carrying more than what was his to bear. Odelle didn’t know what to say, so instead she focused on the way that the florescent light of the diner made a silver halo around Noah’s sun-bleached head. It made him look like one of those saints that always seemed to be sad about something; maybe the sin of man was weighing him down as well. She thought about what he said and realized that he wasn’t wrong, she had to believe that Ferryn loved her too much to just leave, but the dull ache that was always present in her chest just gave a painful throb, reminding her that no matter how badly she wanted to think that, Ferryn was still gone and she was still heartbroken. The only way to ever really know the truth would be to seek out answers.

“Noah,” she suddenly said, realization hitting her like a tidal wave, “We have to find him.”

“What?” Noah looked confused, but the truth was so simple.

“We have to find him Noah, we have to trace his steps and see where he went,” the words spilled from her mouth, “We have to find him so that I can tell him I love him, maybe then he’ll come back.” As soon as she said it, regret shut her throat so tight that she could barely breathe and the look on Noah’s face made everything so much worse. He was blinking rapidly, like she had slapped him and he was still trying to process it. All of the color had drained from his face, but his neck was bright red, the way it always was when he was embarrassed, only this time she could tell by the way that his eyes darkened that the red was for a much stronger emotion this time. 

He cupped both of his hands over his face and sighed, “I guess,” he took his hands away as he spoke, “that I knew you loved him, I just wasn’t expecting to hear you say it.”

He was right, she never did. Being raised as an orphan prevented Odelle from feeling much of anything at all. It was a cruel world to be a part of; it never quite let you fit in or find comfort in others the way regular people did. It left you with longing and such a strong sense if independence that eventually you need and want no one.

Noah was still staring at her with longing eyes, searching her face with sullen eyes. She decided not to push the subject, if she was to find Ferryn she wouldn’t put Noah in the middle if that wasn't where he wanted to be and by the look of him she knew that in his mind he was already somewhere else. Neither of them spoke for some time. Joan tentatively brought over more coffee, but this time neither of them could even scrape up the will to smile at her. When Odelle peeked at him, she saw that he was just staring into his cup, shoulders drawn forward, his hair a mess. Through the tangle of his lashes she could see the haunted expression in his eyes. She wondered for a moment if Noah, sweet Noah, had ever had his heart broken and if he did, was this the way that he had looked then?

“Noah…” she trailed off, not really sure what she wanted to ask him.

He lifted his head with graceless effort, “You don’t have to say anything Elle. You’ve never quite understood.”

“What happened to you Noah?” Odelle knew she didn’t need to explain, Noah knew she wasn’t talking about the literal.

He sipped at his coffee, the steam from the cup turning his cheeks slightly red, “Mom called after I left Elle. She’s leaving. She said she couldn’t bear being in that house alone now that my dad and Mika were gone,” he sighed, “So while I wasn't here to stop her, she left. She signed off everything my father left her, to me,” he laughed mirthlessly, “I tried calling Elijah, but as usual he wants nothing to do with the family, so it’s all up to me, just like it has always been. I guess I shouldn’t have expected that my father’s death would change anything where Elijah was involved.”

Noah was 23 and the oldest of three brothers, Elijah in the middle and Mika the last born. While on a boys trip with their father when Noah was 17, there was an accident and Mika drowned. He was alone with his father on a dingy while the older boys were fishing in a nearby stream. Mika was 12. No one was really sure exactly what happened and Noah’s father, Marcus Cane, claimed to have no recollection of exactly how Mika had fallen into the water or why he didn't help him. Noah explained that a psychologist had attributed the memory loss to the suppression brought on by a traumatic event, and Noah believed it, but Elijah who was 15 at the time, blames Mr. Cane for his brother’s death. Their mother, Claudia, became sick after that and never fully recovered. Elijah kept blaming their father for Mika’s death and left home for good when he graduated high school, leaving Noah to keep what was left of the family together.

Right before Odelle arrived in Kent, Mr. Cane was diagnosed with severe Glioblastoma that they wound out, was compressing the amygdala. Noah felt that the diagnosis of his father’s brain cancer was a possible explanation for the memory loss he suffered during Mika’s death, but Elijah still didn’t care. Mr. Cane lived for two more years, in which Odelle had only met him a hand full of times. He didn’t look like a man capable of murdering his own son. He had the same kind eyes as Noah and a lopsided grin that held no ill intentions. She liked him well enough and visited only upon request. Mr. Cane’s funeral was the first time that Odelle had set eyes on Elijah- the complete opposite of Noah. Elijah had only hatred in his eyes, his dark hair rested on his shoulders like perching crows and he didn’t smile.

When the congressional was over, Elijah had walked up to Odelle and said, “My brother is the best person you will ever meet, but don’t marry into this family. The roses you smell when you’re around then are only there to mask the scent of blood,” and with that he left. Odelle had told Noah what his brother said, but Noah dismissed it and told her that Elijah would say anything to drag his family name through the mud. Something gave Odelle the feeling that there was more to the story than what Noah told her, but she also knew Noah and understood that if he was hiding something, it was for a good reason.

Odelle suddenly understood what Noah meant, “You mean to tell me that the house, the business, the farm- everything now belongs to you?”

Noah closed his eyes and grunted, “Yes and I have no idea what to do,” his eyes shot open, searching her face for answers, “I run a newspaper Elle, I write stories in my free time and spend all of the money I make on travel. What do I know about running a farm or a shipping business? The only reason my father wanted me to become a lawyer was so that I could handle the legal parts of the business when he was gone, but I gave him the finger and did what I wanted, now he’s probably in heaven giving me the finger for being a jack-ass,” he started mindlessly chewing on his nail, his head wandering off into faraway places.

“Can’t you sell the business?” Odelle suggested.

Noah nodded his head, but he still seemed to be somewhere else, “I already talked to my father’s lawyer. He suggested I sell my shares, or hire someone to run things on my behalf. That’s why I wanted Elijah to come back, so he could run things. He always had a better sense of business than the rest of us, but he refused. Said he wanted nothing to do with anything my father put his hands on,” he looked about ready to smash his fist through a window.

Odelle put a hand on his arm, “Sell the shares, and invest the profit you make from it. If you want, I can help you figure things out on the farm, although it has been fully functional on its own thus far. I’m sure the people who work there have everything under control,” she tried to sound encouraging, but she knew things weren’t going to be that easy.

“Yeah Elle, but I’m now responsible for their income. Even if they know more than I do, they still have to answer to me.”

Odelle leaned her head back against the banister that separated the booths, “Where did you go?” she asked, not knowing why the question came out of her mouth when it was so completely off topic. 

Noah looked confused, “What?”

She’d already asked, so she decided to commit to it, “When you left Noah, where did you go? You called, but never told me where you were. I guess I’d just like to know what you were doing this entire time,” the words sounded more bitter and petty than she intended, but she realized that maybe part of her was mad at Noah for running away when there was so much he should rather have been doing. Maybe she was mad at him for not being there with her.

He read her expression like a book and his eyes softened a little, “I was at the cabin, the one where Mika..,” he trailed off, completely vulnerable, “I haven’t been back there since Mika and I didn’t know where else to go. I didn’t want to be home, I couldn’t face you because I was such a mess. I missed my brothers, so I went to the cabin for Mika.”

It made sense; she finally understood why he had seemed different. The sadness in his eyes wasn’t just for his father, he was mourning his brother as well and physically he looked different because the cabin required a certain amount of manual labor to be done.

“I really did miss you Noah,” she said, knowing that her friend needed to feel something other than heartache.

“I missed you too Odelle, I really am sorry that I wasn’t here for you,” he said and reached a hand across the table, she reflexively took it and he drew her a little closer to him, so that they were both leaning across towards each other, “We’ll figure all of this out later, but for now I’d like to go home. Will,” he faltered, “will you please go with me? I really don’t want to be there alone, but I have to be there, please?”

She rummaged in her back pocket and pulled out some money, to pay for the time they wasted by not ordering food and the coffee they drank, and put it on the table, “Come on, let’s get out of here,” she said and for the first time that evening, Noah’s smile met his eyes.