Hate or Love

The Haunting of The Past

Only when she stood right in front of the high door of the King's bedroom, Estelle really realized what she was doing.

It was almost midnight and she had walked to his room. Uninvited. Not that if he had invited her, she would go.

So what was she really doing right now?

Estelle just couldn't sleep, not after the conversation she had had with Julian and the thoughts that had invaded her head and played with her mind. She did push people away, Julian was right about this. But he couldn't understand why. Why it was better to push people away first then for them to find the opportunity to leave you afterwards. Walking away first was easier, Estelle should have listened to this logic way earlier.

Yet, here she was, outside of Victor's room while hoping to find the courage within her to just open the door and go inside... see him, even if it had to be for a few more days.

She didn't know what she was going to say to him, actually. What could you say to your mate, after you walked inside his room in the middle of the night? There was no good greetings for that.

Estelle was about to abruptly turn back and run to her room, so she wouldn't face the embarrassment of Victor knowing she had willingly came to him after a few hours without sleep. However, a soft melody invading the silence of the night made her stop from walking away immediately, as if it was a sweet little magic.

It was coming from inside of his room, and Estelle couldn't help herself, her hand wrapped around the golden handle and pushed the door open softly, walking inside only to be welcomed by her mate, playing the harp with his eyes closed, the moonlight coming from the big window falling right down his light blond hair.

Even if she wanted to, she wouldn't be able to look away.

Not that she did, all she wanted to do was stand there and look at him until the sun was up.

"Welcome back, little wolf," Victor said, his fingers still playing the strings perfectly. It sounded like he had been waiting for her, and that made her heart skip a beat or two. How could he be that good at reading her when she couldn't read her own self?

Estelle didn't respond to that, she just laid back to the dresser and chose to hear the part he was playing instead, while the corner of his lips lifted upwards in satisfaction. Wasn't this what he had been waiting for, anyway? He was close, oh-so-close to winning the bet he had first made.

Making Estelle fall in love with him.

Things had gotten out of control with him falling first, but Victor wouldn't change anything if he had to make the same decisions all over again. It was just not possible to not fall for his mate even if he did make other decisions. It was inevitable.

"You're so good at this," Estelle admitted when Victor was over playing with the strings. She was almost disappointed that it was over, only if he wouldn't see her with that look on his face. Almost longing. Why would he long for her if she was right there? Estelle didn't even want to think about what he would do when she leaves.

If she leaves. The realization suddenly made her panic. When had the 'if' came from?

"Not so good. I'm still practicing," Victor answered, never once stopping from reading her eyes. There was something different about them tonight. "I only started playing when I came to court."

"Then you're so good for being this good in such small amount of time." Estelle didn't know what she was talking about, but it didn't sound like she was talking about playing the harp anymore. And Victor had noticed it, of course.

"Wine?" He offered, without waiting for her answer, taking another empty glass and filling it with the most expensive red liquid of all his court. That knowing glister never left his blue eyes, though. Like he was so aware of everything she felt inside, and maybe he was. He looked at Estelle like she was see-through.

"If you want to get me drunk so I'll sleep here again, it won't work," she tried to joke, but the way his eyes almost darkened at the thought of her sleeping there with him, made Estelle realize she had talked without thinking.

The silence that fell in the room was torturing. Both had a million of things to say to each other, but no one spoke for minutes.

"I can teach you... how to play the harp, if you want," he suggested, just the thrilling idea making him smile a bit.

Estelle gave that weak smile right back. "I'd like to... someday." Just as she said it, she realized this was another mistake from her. Someday, she had said. Like they would have someday together.

Victor studied her reaction, before taking a sip from his own glass. "They say my mother was the best at playing harp. That my father used to listen to her for hours."

Her eyes widened, then a feeling that was a lot like guilt made its way through her chest. She was not the only one hurt from all this. Her father had murdered his, after all. And after that, hell had broken loose in their entire world. "That's beautiful," she only said at first, looking away. "You must have taken it from her." When Victor didn't answer, she kept going, "My mother used to teach me how to dance a lot, back then when she was alright."

"What happened to her?" Victor asked. He knew she had passed away, but never once had stopped to talk to Estelle about it.

"She died," she said, sadness slipping on her voice. "A few years ago. She left me when I needed her the most, when Luis was just an infant and I had to be the mother for him."

Estelle opening up to him was something Victor had never knew it would happen. But somehow, besides all her sadness, it made him selfishly happy. "I'm really sorry. That must have been hard."

"It was," she admitted. "But what was harder than taking care of two brothers was being perfect for my father." Victor felt like wanting to interrupt, like wanting to tell her she was perfect just the way she was and she didn't have to pretend for anyone, especially not for her father, but he decided to let her talk instead. "As a child, I was rebellious and stubborn and hard to deal with. So my mother tried the hardest to make me learn to behave properly in front of him. In front of him I was the perfect daughter. The perfect Princess. That little adorable girl everyone in court loved. And I think he was satisfied by it, so it made it easier to pretend in front of him as the years passed by. I was a different girl when my father was in the room. Pleasing him was everything I worked for, if it had to be with his guests, with his elders, with his important men. All I did was smile and stroke his ego so he could love me more," she explained, maybe knowing she could regret it later, but right now all she wanted was to make Victor understand. Understand why she was the way she was. Not hate her if she really did leave him. "All I wanted was to be enough, so if I changed myself a bit on the way to do that, that it wasn't really a big problem."

Victor was in a loss for words, maybe for the first time ever. "Do you really think you aren't enough?" He questioned, a part of him wanting to just gather her in his arms and not let her got for the rest of their lives.

Estelle gave a shrug. "To him I wasn't," she whispered. "But I loved him still. The part of that little girl that craved for her father's attention never left me, and I think it never will."

"You don't have to prove yourself to anyone, Stelle." The sincerity on his voice made tears sprang on her eyes. "Your father was a fool, and maybe not even capable of love. The mistake was never you. You don't have to change yourself to be loved. Not in here. Not with me."

She blinked back tears, turning on her heels abruptly so she could leave as fast as she could. She had known this was a mistake, so why, why did she have to open up to him? The last thing she wanted was for Victor to pity her. This one, she would never be able to hold on her shoulders.

"Estelle," he called, rushing to her.

"I-I should go." She avoided his gaze, trying to move past him.

"What did I say? Did I say something wrong? Did I hurt you?"

The guilt inside her chest only grew bigger. Even now he was afraid of hurting her. It was way better back then, when they used to bet around like little kids. "No, you didn't. It's late and... and I have to go."

Only then Victor realized it wasn't what he had told her that had hurt her. It was that what he had said, Estelle thought he had said out of pity. It was that she felt exposed now that he knew this much about her. "All my life I wished I had a father," Victor said, finally making her look at him in surprise. This seemed unrelated, but it wasn't. Maybe if she felt exposed than he could do the same. "As a kid, all I wished about was for someone to come at the door of my modest house and tell me he was my father. That he was there for me, that he loved me."

Estelle blinked a few times, trying to realize if he was being honest. Victor didn't look like the kind of male to crave for a father's affection. "I'm sorry," she only whispered.

"It had always been me and mom," he continued. "But the life there, at a lost town, in the middle of exiled people of all kinds, criminals and murderers, it was... hard to say the least. Especially for a single elf female and her little son." The neutral tone of his voice never changed as he spoke, "We were poor and unprotected. And we owned a lot of gold to some wolves that had helped mom in exchange for her serving them." As he hesitated to speak, Estelle realized he had come to the hardest part. "One day they came to our house, asking for the gold, which we didn't have, of course. When mom begged them for a little more time, they... they tried r****g her, with me there."

"Oh, my Goddess," Estelle whispered, terrified.

"I murdered them," he stated, with the same emptiness on his eyes. "My magic snapped out of control and I murdered them right there and then. I think I was somewhat eight or nine. I thought I would be terrified after that, but the guilt never came. I had just saved her, I didn't care that I had became a murderer myself." He shrugged once, looking away, lost in thoughts. "The words spread in town real quick. The ones that were self-proclaimed of establishing order in town decided to try and throw me in the dungeons, so when I was of age, I could be executed. I murdered them too. This time while having full control of my magic."

"Victor," she whispered, not believing her ears. Suddenly, she felt like all she wanted was to hold him tight and never let go.

"No one dared to threaten me again after that. They were too scared to do so," Victor admitted. "But it became even lonelier. I had no one but my mom for years. Of course until I learned the truth about myself. And then the first time I met Evelyn, Robert..." he trailed off. "Well, the scene was similar to what I had seen as a kid."

The look on her face was haunted. "Victor, I'm so so sorry," was the only thing she could say, over and over again.

He tried smiling weakly at her, realizing that at least, he had made her understand the truth, and that she knew he had opened up to her just as much as she had done to him. "You don't have to be. At the end, it doesn't change who I am."

Estelle cupped his face softly. "You're much more than a murderer, Victor. Much more than that. Much more to me."

"Your Majesty!" The door opened with a loud bang. Victor would have snapped at the guard that had the audacity to enter like that in his room, but the worry and urgency in his face made Victor stop. "The Princess... She's giving birth to her babies. And her condition is bad."