His H(a)unted Mate

08. Depth

CHRISTINE

My trips to the forest became more frequent. I didn’t really like the group therapy, however I always stayed some time afterwards. Meditation, running or just observing nature around me – that was all I did there. Werewolves had strong connections to nature in general and they needed that kind of bond. To feel it with every fiber of their being.

I tried to shift to Astra’s form, but the result wasn’t the one I hoped for. Astra used to be very hyperactive, running and swimming almost every day. But she just couldn’t hold her balance on three legs and fell straight on her muzzle during her first running attempt. Her disappointment was sad to watch as she whimpered silently, sharing her emotional pain with me.

“It will get better. You must try it over and over again.” I tried to encourage her, but she frowned upon my words. The initial failure discouraged her dramatically.

“Easy for you to say. You’re good with your two human legs to stand, but I need all fours!” She was frustrated with herself when she couldn’t remain standing on her three paws. Right after the very first unsuccessful attempt, Astra backed down and forced me to shift to my human form. And I knew it would be hard to force her out of her comfort zone from now on. The depths of my mind were her safe place to hide from cruel reality.

“Should I start naming all the other normal activities which are impossible for me? Such as cutting my own food or even trying to cook? Changing my bedsheets in less than an hour? Polishing my nails? Braiding my hair? Tying my shoelaces? No. I can’t do any of that stuff! And it bothers me so much. I hate being this incompetent. But you, my fluffy lady, you are supposed to be the positive one, open-minded and confident. You are my anchor, so you just can’t give up! I won't make it without you.”

“I will try running again if you go for a swim,” she suggested.

Water. It used to be my good friend, providing relaxing and fun time from my early teenage years. While still in high school, I was the fastest swimmer in my class and Hannah was the best runner. Arms and legs were synchronized in their movements, pushing the body through water. Freedom, which was so unimaginably wonderful. I could spend hours letting the gentle waves of the lake brush against my skin, combing my hair. I would hear the little fish swimming in the depths, searching for food. I would see forest animals coming to the shore for refreshment.

Swimming was something I missed in my life.

“Deal!” I announced, sealing it with a hand/pawshake.

The lake wasn’t far, and the sun was still up. Maybe just one round, swimming back and forth, and it would be enough as a start. I took off my clothes, keeping just my underwear. When my toes touched the cool liquid, I shivered. The lake water was chilly, but the muscles would heat up quickly after a few movements. Surprisingly, I wasn’t afraid but excited. I walked to the lake until the water level reached my belly button. My fingers touched the surface carefully, circling it and creating a small whirlpool. One last deep breath to gather all the pieces of courage and I plunged into water fully. I preferred front crawl as my main swimming style but after a few attempts, I realized it wouldn’t work with just one arm. Option number two – breaststroke.

My technique was always perfect. Limbs laid on and under the water surface elegantly like a ballerina dancing on the stage. Each movement was precisely calculated in my mind, each breath aligned. I pushed through the water and stayed streamlined and parallel to the water with my chin on my chest after extending my legs. Knees tucked and extended again. My single arm tried to cover for its missing companion, following the three important steps: outsweep, insweep and recovery. The palm turned out and the hand pushed the water to the side to slightly past shoulder width. Physically, it was more difficult to swim with a handicap, but I still managed to do it like a pro.

“Look at us, Astra. We are swimming!” I shouted excitedly. This was the very first activity I succeeded in since becoming a rogue attack victim.

“Awesome! I am so proud of you. Just don’t dry yourself out of energy.” Aw, she was afraid I would drown myself. No. I trusted my instincts and reactions of my body. I would surely make it to the other shore of the lake. After all, it wasn’t that far, maybe a mile or two.

“I don’t know, Chris. Perhaps we should take baby steps. Let’s turn around and swim back. Tomorrow we can try again and go further.” Why was she such a killjoy? Finally, I did something I enjoyed, and I was good at it.

“No need to worry, Astra. I know my limits.” Did I? Or was I just trying to prove that I wasn’t a cripple? That I could still achieve the same results as healthy werewolves? Or to be even better than the average.

I focused on breathing and movements of my three limbs. The mind kept calculating, using the body in the most effective way. I could feel Astra’s uneasiness, but I didn’t care. It felt like being on a mission which you are not allowed to fail. Eventually, I made it to the other shore of the lake.

“Yes! Did you see that? How amazing was the swim?” I was on fire. I haven’t been this enthusiastic and passionate about any sport ever since I moved into Golden Meadows clinic.

“Great job. Now get out and walk back.” She rushed me. I didn’t understand why she was so uncomfortable about me swimming in the lake. Especially if the whole challenge was her idea.

“No. I will swim there.” I said stubbornly, and dove under the surface again.

“Christine, it’s dangerous. I truly think you should…” Astra shook her furry head in protest, but I no longer listened to her. I created a temporary wall between us. The craving to enjoy the peace and calmness of the wilderness dominated my senses. I wanted to forget about all the trauma and just be one with the water. So, I swam. Faster. And faster. Testing how fast I could actually go.

I was already in the middle of the lake, feeling empowered and fueled with positive energy. To be in control of my body and the environment around me without any limitations provided the necessary satisfaction.

But then I got a cramp in my leg. I overused my muscles. In combination with dehydration and electrolyte deficit, my leg muscles got tight. It clenched, contracted, and tightened into a knot. The pain pierced through me, and I screamed while being under the water surface. It hurt so badly, escalating, and becoming almost unbearable. Instinctively, my hand caught the source of pain, stretching the suffering leg. Meanwhile, my other leg waved madly under the water, compensating for the missing arm which would normally provide additional support. And then I got another cramp right in the calf muscle of my free leg.

“Astra!” I panicked, as I sank deeper. Fear absorbed me when I realized I was still very far from the shore and my legs were not cooperating, basically switching off.

“I can’t shift. You are too weak.” She whined desperately. I would never have thought that this was how my life ended. To drown. What a paradox. I was a great swimmer, the top one of my class. I was able to swim four miles without a break. And yet, it would be water to claim my life.

My single arm still wanted to save me, trying super hard to get me up. I managed to break through the water surface, my lungs desperately filling themselves with fresh air. Little did I know it was the last breath I would take. After some time, the arm gave up its fight. The legs became numb and I closed my eyes, accepting fate. The heartbeat sped up, the self-preservation instinct kicking in when the body announced a lack of oxygen. By reflex, my mouth opened in an attempt to breathe, but it was only water which entered my lungs and flooded me. And then everything started to get blurry until it reached the moment that it all went black.

I lost consciousness and I couldn’t hear or see my wolf anymore. At first, I was scared. I thought it would be painful to die by drowning but it was quite the opposite. It was like redemption, an absolution from all past sins. Though I didn’t have many. I was just a tool for others to sin on me. But that was supposed to be over soon. All those nightmares would be forever gone.

The final memory appeared in my empty and silent mind. He was sitting next to me on the ground, kissing my lips. The kiss was so sweet that it melted my heart and made me feel a trillion of different things. All those emotions combined with the tingles from the mate bond were like a soothing balm on my broken soul. I would miss being kissed like that. The way his hot breath felt against my skin. The way his spicy scent manipulated my senses and got me drunk. The way his deep voice made me wet in my sensitive lady parts. I knew he wasn’t a good man. But I was dying and pushed the bad stuff about him away. I wanted to leave this world with the beautiful illusion of having a heavenly, gorgeous mate.

Ahh… I smiled before my heart made its last beat. It was almost as if he was there with me, holding me with his strong muscular arms. And my motionless body sank to the dark depth peacefully.