When I Look At You

Daydreams and Late Night Thoughts: A Request For A Handshake Along The Hallway

Totally drained and exhausted, my body badly wanted to rest already but my mind refuse to do so. I cannot sleep at all. I took a nice hot shower and drank my chamomile tea already in high hopes that I can finally sleep. But up until now i'm still here standing at my balcony overlooking the quiet city. Air this time is cool and relaxing without the heavy pollution during the day.

I have a very busy schedule that my last appointment ended at 12 am. I started my day by an early t.v interview followed by a recording and lastly filming of the movie i'm starring. We're supposed to pack the shooting at 9 pm but we got delayed by almost an hour and a half due to a small accident that occured involving the female and her stuntman. Luckily it was easily resolved and we resumed filming. If that accident hadn't taken care off immediately maybe our shooting had been postponed.

Thank God everything went according to plan and we finished filming smoothly after that. A little delayed but much better than rescheduling it because as much as possible I don't like adjusting my work schedules. My personal assistant had a hard time fitting my schedule that with just one delay she has to start over and for some occasion we have to cancel a project or two. I really don't like the idea of loosing any project entrusted to me.

I got back home quarter to two in the morning because of an exclusive dinner with the team at a pre-booked hotpot restaurant just a distance away from where we filmed.

And i'm supposed to be asleep already given my exhaustion but just like any other night for the past two weeks since that meeting, sandman never visited. Thus my sleep deprivation.

I took in a generous amount of air and release it after a few seconds to let go of any tension that had been building in my system.

I close my eyes and an image appeared so vivid it seems he's just here with me. The image of a man with the most expressive and purest eyes i've ever seen. It's been weeks since that brunch with the director and the magazine pictorial was long done but it's like my body and mind conspired to keep reminding me of the man I met not so long ago.

These thoughts of him often kept me occupied everytime i'm doing nothing most especially during the night where my mind should rest.

My mind drifted back to two weeks ago. I sighed and let the memories flow:

A VIP table was offered by the hotel courtesy of the owner. Each of us took our place and began browsing the menu.

Director TanQi sat on the left end of the table with his assistant director on his right. Yuno and I chose to sit beside each other together with few other guest the director had invited. I noticed that the chair in opposite was vacant but eating utensils were set. I ignored that and decided to look at the menu.

"I have already ordered for us but if you want to add something feel free to do so." The P.A. of direct TanQi informed us. He signaled a waiter to come to our table. "He's the one assigned to take additional requests. So anything you want just inform him."

"Shi Hao at your service, Dear guests. Serving you is an honor." The waiter introduce himself and bowed as greetings. "So what can I do for you today?."

"I would like to have a bottle of your finest red wine and a blue berry cheesecake, please." Came the first demand of the person sitting beside me.

"What's with the wine? Are you planning to get drunk?." I immediately protested the absurd request of Yuno. "Have you forgoten about our photoshoot later?."

"Calm down, man. I haven't forgoten about that." He whispered back. "Besides who would get drunk with just a bottle of red wine and with many people to drink with, in that case." He reasoned out.

"You're crazy, dude." I said sighing in resignation.

"Hey! Just because you barely drink alcohol means you can pass later." He grinned mischevously at me and I know he's not going to take any rejection. "Let's celebrate this another blessing. Don't be a killjoy again."

"Whatever you say, drunkard. Whatever you say." I'm not in the mood to argue with nonsense.

I ask for a salad dish and a glass of warm water to wash away the discomfort and dryness in my throat. Somebody cleared their throat which caused me to look at that person. I was startled to see the person occupying the seat that was vacant a while ago.

"Hi! Remember me? It's me Xiao Zhan from earlier."

Yes, people. Sitting comfortably directly opposite me is no other than the man in red back at the meeting.

"I know."

"Really?! You remembered me?." Is that disbelief in his voice? Who would forget a face like that? Always being adorned with a bright smile.

"We met just a moment ago. Who wouldn't remember?." Well, it's me who tend to forget names even if it was just only introduced. I have a hard time remembering when those things have no importance to me. But I remembered his name until now so maybe he's an exemption.

I heard a soft chuckle from Xiao Zhan which made me return my gaze at him.

"What?." I was taken aback by that chuckle and I wondered what could have caused him to do that.

He shook his head. "Nothing. You're not good in talking huh?." He stared as if he's scrutinizing my whole personality.

"Maybe? I don't care anyway." Maybe i've appeared rude and unfriendly the way i'm talking to him. What can I do i'm not a sweet talker.

Anything he's about to say was interupted by the servers. As they arrange the table, delicious aroma of the foods reach my nose causing my stomach rumble. I almost salivate due to the enticing appearance of the different specialty dishes served in our table.

"Let's dig in, everybody." With so much enthusiasm director TanQi took a big bite of the appetizer and we followed as well.

I'm already on my third scoop of soup when I felt the hair on my nape stood up as if someone has been staring at me. I lifted my head only to find two beautiful orbs looking back at me. And those eyes belonged to the man sitting opposite me.

"What?." I saw empty plate and an untouched utensils in front of him indicating that he's not eating at all. "Not hungry?."

He didn't reply and just look at the food.

"Here! Just try." I suggested while putting on his plate the wing part of the buttered chicken which, by the way is one of their best receipe here.

"Wow! How about me?" Yuno chided.

"Isn't that enough?." His plate was filled to the brim like he's not in a fine dining restaurant. "You have no manners. We're in a classy restaurant, you know."

"Hey! If you're not going to give then stop with the lecturing, grandpa." He complained. "Look, man. You should eat that because its the first time he's this generous." Yuno knowingly said to Xiao Zhan.

"Really?." Xiao Zhan has a wide toothy smile plastered on his face which I find it cute.

"Yeah. He usually just ignore everything around him and busy minding his own business." Yuno was being a tattletale again.

"Nobody's asking so will you shut your mouth." I gave him a side glance. "Or just continue chatting with that girl you're flirting a while ago."

He sneered at me before moving his chair a bit further away from me. I continued eating this time a lobster dish.

"Can you pass me the chicken, please?." Said Xiao Zhan while i'm in the middle of removing the lobster's meat from its shell. "It's delicious. I want more."

I pushed the platter with the buttered chicken towards him using my knuckles. I have messy hands due to the sauce even with the plastic glove I used.

"Thanks." I saw him put a generous amount on his plate and started eating.

I continued with what i'm doing until I have a plate of lobster meat. I selected few of bigger parts put it in a separate plate and gave it to the man who's busy deboning the chicken meat on his plate.

He's startled at my action but still ate all that i'm giving him.

I'm puzzled with myself due to the weird desire to take care of Xiao Zhan, a man I barely knew. It's the first time I voluntarily serve someone even with the messy job of cleaning a lobster.

Our brunch ended with a glass of red wine courtesy of Yuno. We went out separate ways. Xiao Zhan followed the director for further instruction while both Yuno and I headed straight to the dressing to prepare for the pictorial.

True to Direct TanQi's words, Xiao Zhan became incharge of the former design manager's work even the costumes.

"You know, this is best worn with a smile." Xiao Zhan entered our dressing and currently adjusting the suit i'm wearing for the second phase of the pictorial.

I look at my reflection to assess my final look without replying to his statement. While busy complementing myself, I felt Xiao Zhan stood behind me and our eyes meet through the mirror. He's a little taller so I can clearly see his face on the mirror.

His eyes swirling in different emotions I can't quite name but I know there's sadness in there. I felt his warmth as he's trying to fix my collar together and necktie without facing each other. He's using the reflection on the mirror as a guide.

After he's done fixing, he lowered his head and placed his chin in my shoulder which brought a shiver on my body. With heartbeats fast and unsteady, I bravely maintain our eyecontact. With this close proximity I can smell his scent, a mixture of cinnamon and honey with q hint of citrus, maybe from his shampoo.

We stayed like that, me with both my hands holding on to the dresser to steady with Xiao Zhan behind me his head on my shoulder while staring at each other, for a good minute or two without saying anything.

"You should smile more often, good sir." He said before moving away and left.

After he left, I heaved a deep breath to calm my rattled system because of Xiao Zhan.

And here I am two weeks later, reliving how my heart came to life with Xiao Zhan's warmth and nearness.

After sometime my eyes became heavy and finally resigned to rest.

I'm currently headed to the studio. We're doing live today. The Day Day Up is one of the longest running variety show in Chinese tv and i'm lucky to be part of it. I co-host the program together with the pioneer hosts. As the youngest host, I would say i'm blessed to be with all my seniors.

I got people who understand and care for me without asking anything in return. I can laugh and play with them freely. And most of all, I can count on them during difficult times. I'm dependent to no one but they are different. Its like I found older brothers from another parents with them.

Though there's still reservations but its more than enough to say I found a family in them.

I saw long lines of people outside the studio and it's also pretty crowded inside along the hallways. Lucky I wore a bucket hat and a hoodie to avoid commotion. I don't like people crowding me until I can't move anymore.

I saw a familiar person as I continued walking towards our assigned dressing room.

"Morning, buddy. What's with that face? Are you annoyed?." Wang Han recognized me even with my lowkey attire. "What made you like that, little bro?.

I look around before motioning with my hands. "This? What happened?".

"Have you forgotten?" He asked with a creased brow.

"Forgot what? Is there something special today? Its not your birthday, is it?" Remembering dates, occasions and names is not really my forte. I tend to forget everything if not work related.

"Yibo! Yibo! Always forgetful." Wang Han shook his head. "Last weekend meeting? Have you really forgotten? at the diner?" He nodge my side with his elbow.

I shrugged my shoulders as I really can't recall anything. In my shedule, it said 'DDU Live' and nothing else.

"Aish! We have famous guests today so fans took the chance to come and see their idols for support also."

We both finished changing and took our place in front of the mirror.

"Ok. I guess I was too hungry then that I didn't hear the announcement." Not bad for a reason.

I felt a slap on my left shoulder. "Hungry my ass. Don't fool me, buddy. I saw that you ate just the salad and played with your food for the rest of the lunch meeting." Wang Han is a father figure to me and we're closer than the others.

"So what's up with you always lost in your thoughts these past few days." And like most caring father, he always knew when something is wrong.

"Nothing. Just random thoughts and a bit tired." I can't just tell him just yet what's been running inside my mind these past days.

"Hey, you two. Wazzup." Da Zhangwei greeted us as he entered the room. "Little bro, are you not feeling well? You look dashing as always but a little unergetic."

"Maybe a fight with Shiqi?" Wang Han teased.

"Love quarrel? Forget it, Bo. Everything's gonna be alright." Da Zhangwei said reassuring.

"Hey! I'm good just a bit unwell." I pushed my hair back for the final touch. Everything's done by make- up artists and stylists except my hair. I'm doing it myself. "Where's Qian Feng by the way?"

"That early bird is already back stage gossiping with the rest." Wang Han answered. "Let's go. 10 minutes 'till opening."

I followed behind them but was stopped on my feet when I think I saw someone familiar from my peripheral view.

Upon a closer inspection, indeed the man standing alone with his back leaning against the wall and both hands inside his pocket is very familiar for he's the man reponsible for my sleepless nights. Wearing a pink denim jacket over a white long polo shirt paired with blue denim pants and white sneakers, Xiao Zhan exudes youthful radiance and elegance.

"Bo, what are you doing standing there?! C'mon Let's go. Qian Feng and the gang's waiting." Da Zhangwei shouted when he to noticed i'm not following

anymore.

"Yibo, What's wrong?" Wang Han approached and held my shoulder. "Are you feeling uncomfortable?" He asked and touched my forehead. "You're not warm enough to have a fever, though."

I composed myself and look at the concerned Wang Han. "Nothing. I'm fine. Can I follow after you guys in 5 minutes? I promise i'll be there before the program starts." I said hoping they'd agree.

"Why? Left something?" Wang Han asked not noticing the figure just a few meters away from us.

"Yes and I need to do something important." I nodded my head repeatedly to reassure them i'm alright. "I'll pick up my pace. I promise!" Pushing them lightly for them to head off.

"You're gonna poop, right? Ok we'll just meet backstage later. Goodluck!" Da Zhangwei teased.

"Thanks, big brother." I nodded and send them off.

When they are already at a good distance, I sighed and turn my body towards Xiao Zhan.

"Hello!," he wave his hands and smiled widely at me. "I'm Xiao Zhan. Pleased to meet you. Actually, the pleasure is all mine. I really wanted to meet you." what a nice name just like the owner but talkative too.

"Stop joking around. We already know each other."

"I know but i'd like to repeat my name so that you'd remember it." Maybe someone had already told him about me forgeting names. "So Wang Yibo, I thought i'd see you here so I took my chance to wait for you."

"Why were you looking for me?". He's not an stylist today because he's not around earlier. "Oh! Are you here to get the scarf from last time?." A peach knitted scarf was handed to me to use for the pictorial but I didn't know it was his. Not until after the photo session that I was about to hand it over to my assistant to return to the dressing room. "I'm sorry I didn't take it with me."

He looked at me with those adorable phoenix eyes of his. "How'd you know it was mine?"

"Director TanQi told my assistant." I look at my watch. "Hey! How about i'll give it you next time. I've have to go."

"It's ok. Consider it my present to you." He continued talking causing my eyes to settle on his mouth noticing a mole bellow his lips. "It's new, the scarf. I knitted that myself." He is proud he knitted that scarf.

"Ok." I don't plan returning that scarf, anyway. Might as well keep it with me. Besides, it is more suitable for me to use regularly than those I have. "By the way, if its not your scarf you're after then what gives?."

"Do I have reasons to be here?." Instead of answering my question, he grinned.

"For us? Yes. Even everyone here today." It's either you're a part of program or an audience.

"Well, apart from other reasons I really just wanted to greet you. That's all." He touched his nape shyly andI find it cute. He's boyishly handsome.

"Ok. Now what?." We already greeted each other so what's there anything to do?.

"We should shake hands." Xiao Zhan swifly grabbed my hand and clasped it together with his own. "You sure have a big hand." he commented afterwards making me feel awkward but I like how our hands fit each other perfectly just like last time.

"Ok. I really got to go. Its time for the program to start." Withdrawing my hand, I started walking towards the backstage.

"See you, Wang Yibo! And you're handsome as always." he shouted happily. I kept my cool and continued heading to my work.