When I Look At You

His And His: Confessions and Goodbyes

"I'm glad you're here, Teacher Wang."

Turning around, amidst the darkness enveloping the whole place, I saw a tall and slender silhouette standing just a few inches away from me. The profile of the man that's been haunting me from the very first meeting until now. The very first person who manage to bother my quiet and already organize life without doing anything. The only human being who captured my attention without performing any unusual tricks.

And right now, I realized he could make me follow with just a snap of his fingers. Wether this realization is good or bad, i'll make sure to live for it. Besides everything that had happened and will soon happen is with full consent.

We just stood still with our eyes focused on one another. Is it just me or Xiao Zhan's snickering at me?

"You know, you look ridiculous with this kind of get up." He's giggling with amusement in his voice. I knew it. He's making fun of me. "Who would wear a jumper suit and with a hair like a clown. God! You look hilarious." He burst into a fit of laughter.

As my blurry eyesight has already adjusted to the darkness, I can see clearly that he's holding his stomach due to heavy laughing.

I let him finish his amusement as I listened to his hearty laughter. I like hearing the sound of his laughters, soothing and relaxing.

"Sorry. I just find it funny." He said wiping his tears after having his fair share of hilarity.

I kept my silence not minding his lowkey mockery of my disguise. What can I do when I purposely made myself laugh-worthy to disregard my famous identity. Being the laughing stock of onlookers was an indication I did a good job in disguising.

"Hey! Stop it already. You might catch stomach cramps if you're laughing like there's no tomorrow." Repremanding his non-stop giggling.

"Okay! Sorry. I just can't get over how funny you look." This time I can clearly that he's still grinning from ear to ear. "Alright! Let's go near the window." He said while entertwining our hands.

I followed behind as he started walking. The window he's refering to was located a few meters away from where we're standing earlier. Come to think of it, there's a slightly opened window but the room is still dark?

"Wait for me here a bit." Letting go, Xiao Zhan then fully opened the windows. The moonlight passed through it and illuminated the part where we were standing.

Walking closer to his side, I saw the beauty of nightime by revealing the monochrome silhouette of the vast horizon. The black and white shade of everything created the illusion of peacefullness and holliness contrasting the liveliness of daytime.

And the moon was responsible for this beauty. It is shining extra bright tonight and is accompanied by its stars which adorned the night sky like sparkling diamonds.

Closing my eyes, I took in a generous amount of air to enjoy the soft breeze and the gentle night wind blowing from the window. Air at night was always been this fresh everytime without all the dust and pollution from the previous day. That's one of the main reason why nightime is my favorite.

'Tonight is magical. How I wish for us to remain just like this forever. If only.' Maybe God will grant my silent plea.

Shifting my gaze to the man standing just beside me, I was in awe as the dreamy state of Xiao Zhan projected in front of me. Illuminated by the moon's gentle light, he appeared to be glowing which enhances a solemn image of a fallen angel wishing his return to the heavens. His appearance tonight is exceptional that I almost imagined him fading. He's like a temporary illusion slowly fading when reality is knocking.

I shook my head to remove negative thoughts from occuring because I don't like the emotions playing inside my chest with the thoughts of Xiao Zhan leaving.

I stared back at him while he have his eyes focused onto the night sky maybe admiring its beauty, too. Both hands were used as a support because his whole body was leaning closer to the window.

"How do you know its me despite the disguise. When did you realize?" I met his pair of eyes when he turned his gaze on me. Looking deep into those beautiful gleaming orbs, I have completed my vision of a perfect beauty. "You don't have to answer if you're not ready. Its just loud thinking." But I also saw uncertainty and hesitation etched within those beautiful eyes.

I heard him sigh and again look up at the moon. He began tapping the window sill using his fingers with a rythm I can't recognize. He remained silent for a while maybe contemplating on how he's going to answer my inquiry.

"You don't have to say something. Either way i'm not that interested." Maybe he's uncomfortable and pressured with the inquiry. I don't want any awkwardness between us.

He quit his tapping and faced me with inexplicable emotions that continued swirling in the depths of his eyes.

Hesitation.

Uncertainty.

Guilt.

Happpiness.

Sadness.

His mixed emotions were complicated that darkened his eyes.

Why were his feelings this confusing.

"I just know." He said with a settled voice after a long pause. "Besides who woudn't notice a Wang Yibo wearing a green limited edition Nike Zoom shoes even with the most ridiculous outfit he's wearing." He added chuckling.

'I woudn't. A shoe brand would never reveal the owner's identity.' Replying in my brain but have never voiced it out. It's Xiao Zhan's choice to say anything. Even if he's lying I still wouldn't care because I believe in him no matter what.

"Tell me, Teacher Wang, how do you feel being here." I heard him ask and I know he's trying to avoid the topic by creating another. "What do you think of this place?" And I let him be to not create any unneccessary awkwardness in the atmosphere.

"What do you want me to say?" Not sure how to respond ti him.

"Just say what you want. I'll listen." This kind of statement coming from him made it special and heart touching.

I presumed the same stance as Xiao Zhan. Looking at the brightly lit night sky with admiration, I came to realize that this view gave off a sense of peace and comfortability to both Xiao Zhan and I. "This place is beautiful even without the presence of sunlight I can still see its beauty. It gives the feeling of ancient vibes. It never occured to me that this is a place for drinking." It has romantic vibes to it adding this on my own thinking.

A smile doned his face. I saw it from my peripheral view. "It is, huh." still looking up he replied. "Do you like it here?".

"Hmmnn~ It is beautiful but I think my heart doesn't belong here." I remembered the painful constriction on my chest before entering the pub.

He looked at me with an unreadable expressíon written on his face and in his eyes. "Why do you say so?"

Returning my gaze at the vast horizon I contemplated my answer. "Pain. I felt an enexplicable heartache just standing outside of this place." I heaved a sigh to release the stuffiness i'm feeling. "I feel my chest became heavy as if i'm heartbroken. Funny thing is, i've never been in this place my entire life."

I heard an exasperated gasp through his breath. If i'm not mistaken that shows that Xiao Zhan is frustrated and kinda disappointed. "Did I say something wrong?" maybe he is not satisfied with my answer.

"I'm sorry." Xiao Zhan said breaking the silence that had enveloped us a few minutes ago. I felt the sincerity and honesty synched with his words.

"Why?" Deeply confused by his apology, I have to ask or else it will bother me for a long time.

"I'm sorry for your pain." Looking down, he sighed deeply again.

"Ah~ No problem. Its not your fault. Maybe i'm just not used to seeing a beautiful place like this one turned into a drinking pub." I'm a fan of ancient and historicak things and places, too that's why.

His mood lightened a bit. "You're just sentimental, if that's the case."

"And you're a very sympathetic kind of person." I joked. "By the way, who's the owner? I have to commend his creativity." Maybe he'll give me answers to my queries regarding this place.

"Just someone I know but he's currently out of town."

"Are you a regular here? You're quite popular among the servers." The waiter's voice earlier was dripping with familiarity towards this guy beside me right now.

He chuckled at my inquiry. "Well, what do you know, i'm awesome." he burst out laughing. "Pretty handsome too, right?" he said bumping into my shoulder.

"Yeah. Handsome." Agreeing with his statement.

He continued giggling until he had enough. "Wang- Teacher Wang you're awesome too, don't worry. You're awesome when dancing. Awesome too even when you're not smiling."

I smiled inwardly with his praises. There's something great tugging inside of me. And I like it. I love how it made my blood rushed excitedly through my veins bringing life to every nerve I have on my body.

I never felt so alive.

"AHA! Gottcha." He suddenly eclaimed bringing back my reverie.

"What?."

"You smiled, king of snob. YOU.SMILED." I touched my lips subconsciously. "See?! God! You look good."

Hotness crept all over my face with that sudden compliment. It made me shy.

"Teacher Wang, how did you find your partner?." The lively atmosphere settled.

"Who?."

"That famous tiktoker. The fierce lady black? Are you telling me you have more than one partner this time?." He's like glaring at me now. "WOW!." And by now he look amazed.

"You mean ShiQi?." Did he mean girlfriend?

"Oh she has a name." He joked. "Yeah. That ShiQi Jiang."

"You knew?." I know ShiQi is famous but Xiao Zhan knowing her means he's a fan. Right?.

"Who woudn't know a beautiful lady today. Of course I knew her. I'm not a monk to ignore such beauty." The smirk on his lips was taunting and it made me want to wipe it away from his face. "You even made her your partner. You're quick, Teacher Wang."

"Right."

"Now, tell me how you two met and became lovers." Basing on his body language he seems so eager to know our story. "Don't be shy. I can keep a secret if that's your concern."

"No. Not in the mood. Maybe next time when i'm feeling good." i'm a little jealous by the way he declared his admiration toward ShiQi.

"Ok. But i'm sure we will have no time to meet again in the future." sadness is visible on his face.

"How sure are you?."

"I just know." How can he say such word with so much clarity. Like he's really sure that we'll not be meeting again. "I have a full schedule all through out the year. And i'm sure you are busier than me. You'll have no time in stalking." He added. Maybe he read the question written all over my face.

"Wait! Stalking?." He really saw through me?

He giggled and slap my shoulder. "Don't deny anymore. Don't worry you're not the only one doing that." I know. Stalking is now common among people. "You really a fan, aren't you? Don't worry i'm also a fan."

"Yeah. Thanks anyway." Fan? I like you. And i'm sure i'll make ways for us to see each other again and again. "What is your next project after this?" Maybe that's his basis in saying we maybe not going to see each other again in the future.

His silence hinted that something's going on. Its either a personal dilemma or something got to do with his career. "Are you in some sort of trouble?". Maybe I can help him deal with whatever is bothering him.

"Can you grant me a dance?." He said instead of answering my query. This confirmed my suspicions of him having a problem. "Let's not waste good music, shall we." He extended his hand as a signal he really wanted for us to dance.

I heard a sweet melody playing as our background. Must be from the band. "What kind of dance would you like us to perform?." I held his hand gently and their warmth brought comfort to mine like always.

He clasp his hand a little tight together with mine. "I want to dance with you this time, Wang Yibo. Just you and me regardless of what type of dance we'd do. I just wanna feel you for the last time."

I was taken aback by the intensity his voice. The amount of seriousness and conviction it held and i'm totally lost for words. It's like he's saying his last goodbye.

"Why is it that you sounded like a person pledging his farewell? Are you going to leave?". Just the thought of him leaving made my heart ached in a manner that I know is too much to handle even for me.

His lonely eyes shifted avoiding mine. "Dance with me please? Just bear with me this time." He said with visible desperation and pleading on his voice.

As much as my desire to know his answer is the desire to be with him in my heart. I held him closer and tightened my grip around his waist. I know this is wrong to some people but to me it feel so right. Him right beside me.

He rested his head on my shoulder as we swayed with the rythm of the soft melody. I closed my eyes savoring the serenity and intimacy of our dance.

Moments later, there's a comfortable warmth I felt just above my heart. Xiao Zhan place his warm hands on my chest.

"You have a strong heart, Teacher Wang." He applied just enough strength on the place where my heart is situated. "Their heartbeats were powerful and lively. I wish they'll remain strong enough to help you win your personal battles."

Silently I agreed with him.

"Wang Yibo, always follow your heart in the future. I know it will lead you to the right decisions and to the person who's willing to stand by you no matter what."

'I am following my heart. I'm here just following you, Xiao Zhan.'

"Teacher Wang, do you have a wish or any desire you want to fulfill?". He raised his head to meet my gaze.

"Hmmnn~ I think everyone has one or two particular desires in life. Why?."

"Me too. I had wished once and it was fulfilled." He answered with a smile on his face.

"What have you wished?." Eyes close savoring the magic of this moment.

"Hey! You're fooling me again. I'm the one asking questions here. So tell me first what is it that you wanted the most in this life.". He moved a little further.

Dragging him closer to me I hugged him tighter leaning my head on his shoulder. Him taller by few inches gave my head a perfect spot for snuggle. I breathed in his pleasant sweet smell.

"My only wish is to find someone whom I can be me without any pretentions. Someone who will understand my whole person without judgement. To find that someone who will fill the emptiness of my soul." I firmly close the lids of my eyes recalling how I felt when I met Xiao Zhan. "And I think I already found that person."

Opening my eyes I stared at Xiao Zhan. "That's you, Xiao Zhan." Seeing the falling tears from his eyes my heart grieved. "Why?". I wipe his tears using my thumbs but instead of drying they dropped like falls making my chest tightened in dissatisfaction.

Xiao Zhan stepped closer this time. Then a moment later, I heard the most heart wrenching most miserable sobs a person could ever give while we're enclosed into a tight hug. I know these tears falling fromhiw eyes was never meant happiness. I can feel how miserable Xiao Zhan right now and it's confusing on my part.

"Hush now. What's there to cry?." While gently caressing his shaking back in an attempt to calm him down. "If you're sad about my confession, well bear with it. I'm not going to take back what I said just because you don't like it. That was my sincerest so far."

He punched me in the chest. "Its not about that. Believe me i'm happy with your declaration of love."

"Then what are you crying for?."

After crying a bucket, he carefully pushed me to give ample distance between us. He stared straight in my eyes which allowed a full view of his own still teary one. Looking at him like this is very pitiful and heavy on the heart.

As was about to caress his face but he beat me into doing so. He reached for mine with cold and shaking hands.

"I am happy. But a little sad with our current situation." Exploring my face with his eyes trying to convey every emotions he's feeling right now. "Its funny to know that we were really are soulmates and destined to be together regardless the realm, the world and the time we're living."

"What are you talking about?." I'm really confused.

"We will never escape each other." Ignoring my asking, he continued talking. "We may have different names, identities and memories but we're still entangled."

Utterly confused, I let him be. Maybe he's practicing some lines for his movie. Though its out of the concept if he's really rehearsing his lines all of a sudden in the middle of my confession.

"It took me one lifetime to realize my true feelings but I just want to say 'I LOVE YOU' even if its too late already." He stroke every corner of my face using his thumb just like memorizing each part of it for one last time.

"I love you, too. But please don't say it like you're leaving and not coming back anymore." I held his hands firmly just to make sure he doesn't disappear. I just realized he's not talking just random things. He meant every words coming out from his mouth and I don't like the thing he's insinuating. Not liking a bit.

"As much as I wanted to be with you, I can't. I just borrowed everything and now, I have to let you go. You have your own life now and I am loosing mine. I don't to complicate you anymore."

"So you are leaving. Why?." Holding him closer to me afraid he'd just vanish. I felt empty like half of me will be taken just by imagining he'll be gone away from me. And I hate this emotions flooding my entire system. I really hate it.

He reciprocated my actions by hugging tightly while his chin rested comfortably on my head. "Don't worry alright?. Everything's gonna be in place in the right time. You just have to be okay when that comes."

"No! Please!." He's breaking free from our hug. Instinctively, I held him tighter. "Please, Don't go."

He pushed a little just to hold my face. "You have to go. Trust fate and everything's going to be alright."

He planted small kisses all over my face making me cry. I hate goodbyes because they're painful. And what i'm feeling right now is a proof.

"You have to go, Lan Zhan. Because you have to live the life you have now. Just remember no matter what, we are destined to be together in this world. You just have to live well." He hugged me one last time.

"I'm sorry your Wei Ying of the past hasn't have enough time to make up for his mistakes. Wei Wuxian of the past may have been your enemy but my counterpart here won't hurt you anymore. . .

Goodbye Lan Zhan." He whispered before everything else faded even the bright moon of tonight's magic.