When I Look At You

Faded: Soul of a Diabolical

Nightless City. . .

I watch the scene before me. The chaos created by the battle of the four clans against the Yilling Patriarch and his army of the undead. The lifeless bodies scattered all over the place and the noise of metals being used by the on going clash between the undead and the remaining members of the clans.

I never meant for this to happen.

I never planned to create chaos.

All I ever wanted was to protect those who are precious to me.

All I ever wanted to do was to create a better place for the people to live in.

But. .

Looking at the now unsightly battlefield, I know what had happened was opposite to what i'm aiming for.

There's no peace.

No harmony atleast on my part.

Destroying the Stygian Tiger Seal was not enough to pacify the anger and vengeful minds of the clans, I know.

By walking closer to the edge of the mountain's highest cliff, I already made up my mind. If the Yilling Patriarch will be no more then the people will be at ease and will never worry again about the fearsome Yilling demon bringing bad luck and chaos among them.

My death will bring peace to all the clans and that I will give it to them. No one is going to mourn over my demise anyway.

Uncle Jiang is not here anymore. He's the only person who fully accepted my untamed temperament besides Shijie and Jiang Cheng.

Even Shijie's dead.

And Jiang Cheng already declared me an enemy, as an outcast. And i'm sure our brotherly relationship will never be repaired again proofed by his intense desire of wanting me dead due to Shijie's untimely death.

I am a dangerous and evil rogue after all as refered by the people who hated my entire existence even before I became the master of evil cultivation.

The people I came to rescue and learned to love as family were all gone so nobody would care wether i'm dead or alive. I'm betting my remaining strength that half if not all of the people here today were preying on my soul and praying the demolition of my entire human and spiritual existence.

And God this hurts more than the physical wounds I acquired my entire life.

The realization of the truth that none wanted you to stay and that no one absolutely wanted to forgive and to give a chance for redemption is considered a ruthless karma worst than death itself.

Closing my crimson eyes and inhaling the putrid and musky air caused by the blood spilled from the battle, my heart shuddered in pain. Tears fell and heart breaking into million pieces.

Heartbeats were fast and unsteady like the galloping of wild horses racing for survival. But my heart knew this will be its last and its beatings reminded me that once in this realm I was alive. I was loved and adored by many but was hated by the whole world when they sensed the danger I might cause.

Calming my already tired mind, I let go of all my remaining inhibitions and uncertainties. I spread both of my arms while holding onto Chengqing, the only true friend I have that remained loyal untill this very end.

Slowly I let my body relaxed and leaned backwards to prepare it into falling off the cliff i'm barely standing on.

My heart and conscience knew that I have already fully accepted my fate but a voice calling my name made me realize that despite all that had happened I would love to live a few more years or to spend one more lifetime on this troubled land. And that deep inside my heart I wish someone would give a second chance to redeem myself from all of my mistakes and bad decisions.

A blood coated hand caught one of my arms and held on to it to keep me from falling further into the depth of the mountain.

Opening my damp eyes they were met with the ethereal beauty of a jade but this time his face was painted with hint of terror. Worry was vividly plastered on his blood smeared face.

For the first time since we've became acquianted I saw his emotion and its hurting me for i'm the reason of his grievance. I caused the blood that have stained his pristine skin and spotless robe.

I felt my heart quenched painfully at the sight of Lan Zhan trying to spare a helpless but sinful mortal from his death with all his remaining strength.

"Hold on, Wei Ying. Please don't fall." His words of encouragement provoke more tears to escape from my eyes. My heart warmed from his gesture. "Don't die i'll help you." By this words I felt treasured and the feeling of someone actually cared made me cry even more.

How can he still save a person who created havoc in this realm? A person who broke every rule of Lan Clan of Gusu?

How does my number one hater and critic manage to hold on to me in this life and death situation?

How can he, the great Hanguang-jun, turn his back to his responsibility to save a sinful soul?

Is Lan Zhan ready to forgive and would grant me a chance to second life?

Questions flooded my mind as I accepted the redemption of Lan Zhan. I stared at his wounded shoulders as a drop of blood made its way onto my cheeks. He's hurt but still managed to hold my weight.

My lips curve into a smile as I was really touched by his heroism. I felt so happy about the fact that he chose to help even he's hurting too.

But that feeling quickly disappeared at the sight of Jiang Cheng near Lan Zhan aiming his sword under the rock beneath our tightly clasped hands.

"WEI WUXIAN JUST DIE!" He shouted hitting the rock with all his might.

Knowing that the both of us, Lan Zhan together with me, would fall to our sure demise I let go of his hands. I let go of the only hand that willingly extended its warmth to help when facing my doom. I let go knowing their warmth will never ever grace mine again.

"WEI YING!". A strong thunderous but heart stopping voice resonated through out the conclaved cliff. Knowing its from Lan Zhan made my lips curve into its last smile in this realm.

Thank you, Lan Zhan.

I wish for you to have a good life to continue helping the weak and needy. They are the people who needed you the most.

GOODBYE!

Darkness.

I succumb to the darkness of the realm where I would fulfill my end of the bargain when I sold my soul at the burial mounds. I know I would end up here somehow but acceptance is never easy.

This charcoal black horizon is not as empty as it seems. In this utter darkness are rather live energies screeching and screaming into the depths of this resentful realm. They are the only sound present assaulting my ears until they bleed.

These resentful energies were feeding on the purity of my soul. Clawing until it is slowly diminishing and almost giving up. Its glow is faint like a dying candle amidst the ocean of dreadful emptiness.

I died in horrible condition from the human cultivation world. Now my soul is suffering and dying for the second time in this lost soul realm was enough punishment in believing I could somehow change the perception of the people in resentful energies.

Time concept here is slower to prolong the sufferings of those unlucky souls. Counting the days of torture was exhausting so I stopped counting a long time ago. All I know is that I became weaker than last time and anytime soon anything left of me will perished marking the end of my journey as Wei Wuxian, the Demon of the Burial Mounds.

I often hallucinate after getting dizzy due to those punishments I received from resentful energies. The memories of Yunmeng with Shijie, Jiang Cheng, Uncle Jiang and everybody who became part of my youth kept playing inside my head. I would cry but atleast these memories would ease the pain temporarily and were helping me get through with everything.

The look of Lan Zhan while trying to save me from that fall was deeply engraved in my memory and has been especially haunting me eversince. My memories with him is more vivid it felt sureal especially when I thought i'm hearing his voice calling my name.

I am hearing his voice every now and then and the longing it contain. It is like a soothing melody easing every pain my soul is going through but at the same time a very agonizing one too. Lan Zhan is looking for me and this fact hurts me more than ever. He's urging me or whatever had remained of the Wei Wuxian he knew to go back to him.

His voice conveyed his soulful search. I can feel his every emotion. His guilt, his misery and his longing all of these were making me more guilty and regretful but I can't do anything about it for even I did not belong to his world anymore.

I lost track of how long I have been spending here in this dark and ugly world. All I know is that i'm getting weaker and my soul's glow is becoming fainter each passing time. In short, i'm slowly fading and anytime soon Wei Wuxian is no more.

Amidst my self-blaming and self-pitying, I heard a faint breath. At first I thought another resentful soul was sent here to feast on my miserable state but, boy was I wrong.

"I am Wong Fei Hong, one of the guardians in this realm." He introduced himself.

I heard about the guardians of different realms but I didn't bother learning more about them thinking they are just products of the rich imaginations of the sect leaders.

I cannot see the person talking but I can feel his presence. "Are you here to end my sufferings?." If he's going to end me right now then i'll gladly offer my soul to permanently disappear. Tired is an understatement after long period of tortures and pain.

"No. You know that you have to suffer for your debt." His voice devoid of any emotions just like Lan Zhan whenever he'd talk which was once in a blue moon. But this voice is way creepier. It was completely emotionless devoid of any human affection. Unlike Lan Zhan's stiff but warm talking voice.

"Your faint heartbeat made the impression that you are wishing silently for something you cannot have." Etched in his tone is a silent understanding. "You are yearning for someone."

"Got that right. I am thinking of those I left behind in grief, anger and in guilt." I am relieved to have someone to talk with after being alone for a very long time. "If only. . .

"You cannot turn back time. You only have to live with 'What if's and Maybe's' and bear with the consequences of your decisions." He interupted my supposedly speech with an anecdote.

"Or die with regret." I rolled my eyes at him though he cannot see it. "I died. Thank you very much."

"Yilling Patriarch how sarcastic." He sneered scornfully. "So what will it be that you want the most?."

"Second chance to live but you cannot do that, right?." Its impossible for a person to live his life twice not unless reincarnation happen. And I doubt I can be reincarnated with the sins I had committed due to my unbending principle.

"Good for you." He's breathing calmly which reciprocated my unnerved one.

"Whatever." Suddenly, Lan Zhan's precious smile while looking at the bunny I drew on our lantern flashed in my mind. If there's one thing I realized during these agonizing stay in this realm is the fact that I did like being with him. I recognized him being my true soulmate and I badly wanted to make up for my shortcomings with Lan Zhan.

"If granted, I would like to see someone. If given a chance I would like to go back and hug him. Tell him i'm sorry for everything and that I cared, too in my own little ways." Saying it to a stranger is much less awkward than with Jiang Cheng.

"Didn't you heqr what I said earlier? You can't do that considering you as diabolical entity."

"When you say it like that it's like i'm the worst person ever." Its hard to accept but that's the truth. I am evil fir patronizing resentful cultivation.

"Maybe not but you are perceived that way."

"Okay! No need to say it over and over again." I knew it would be rejected but still i'm disappointed. "What's the use of having the likes of you when you can't even grant such simple wish."

I heard him grunt as if provoked by my outburst.

"I'm not a genie, you outragious fool."

"So what's the deal with asking what I want then? Just for fun because you're bored?". Useless guardian. I refrain from further outburst or I would die for the third time.

He's a guardian for Christ's sake!

"You are dying, Wei Wuxian. Looking at you now, I bet a minute out there will destroy you totally." I feel like i'm being scrutinized by this guardian.

"I pity you because you are here suffering due to injustice. You were pushed to your limit that you have no choice but to maximized what's offered to you." What he said touched my inner sensitive part that I almost cried. It appeared that all this time i've been waiting for someone to acknowledge my story and say those exact words of understanding.

"You died in dire consequences and unprepared. And even your soul suffered enough for even the strongest soul could take. So I decided to help you get what you want for yhe last time before you diminish forever." Sincerity laced his voice and that made me trust him.

"Thanks. But what can you do when you can't even reincarnate me?." Little hope bloomed even when i'm still skeptical about him.

I can feel his gaze on me. "I can't but I can come up with something that will not compromise us both."

"Okay.!" Should I believe in a guardian's word? Guardians are sometimes tricksters but i'm willing to bet. Anyway I don't have anything to loose this time.

"Let me show you things."

"What . . WOW!." Astonished by the light produced by Wong Fei Hong. "So you are here to provide light for me, huh?."

I haven't seen any brightness eversince I was trapped here so Wong Fei Hong's light blinded me for a moment there before I get to adjust to it. I can already put a face to the man i'm talking to. He's got long braided hair with a pointed mustache and a disarrayed brow. He's taller and bulkier than me and he's wearing robe of some kind matched with his cultivation staff. He's more of a ghost than that of a guardian with his pale skin and dark gaze.

"No. This is special." He touched the white light and it spread wider.

"Special because it gets to expand. Yeah right." Looking at it the more it appears like a blank white sheet of paper except this one is shining.

"Will you stop being sarcastic!." He is now scolding. Maybe he ran out of patience already. Not my fault when he's the one not making any sense. "And stop rolling your goddamn eyes at me."

"Yeah!. I'm fading so might as well piss off a 'god of the underworld'. Its in my bucket list." I don't really know what's a bucket list it just came.

"Gad you mean. Anyway, look at this." An image of a man appeared on the blank canvas as he waved his hand. "That's me when i'm still an 9rdinary human."

"You were fine in that state."

"Yes. Now your turn. Wave your hands on top of it."

I did as he instructed and tears started to flow at what was flashing on the canvas. It was an image of a place from a distant memory, Lotus Pier. It was looking great with blooming lotus scattered everywhere as in my memory.

"That was the Lotus Pier you remembered. Beautiful ain't it."

I'm unable to respond due to the longing and stuffiness i'n feeling right now. Tears flowing nonstop as more images flash.

I saw Jiang Cheng, Shijie, Uncle Jiang, Madam Yu, the deciples we had trained to and the memories we weaved from long time ago. Shaking and weakened from the burst of overwhelming emotions, I almost collapsed but I steadied myself just to stare some more.

"No!. Stop! Please!." Waving hysterically on the bright canvas containing the images of the only family I have back then to prevent them from fading. But as always, I failed again. They completely faded until there's only the emptiness. "You came to torture me emotionally, don't you."

"Look again."

Another scene flashed and this time of a mountain adorned with thick fog and white curtain of clouds. A very familiar place where I suffered punishments due to misbehaviours, Cloud Rececess.

Quick to my feet, I scanned for the familiar face of Lan Zhan. I found him underneath the peony tree playing his Zither. He looked so peaceful and solemn with his eyes closed and composed temperament.

Looking at him right now hightened the feeling of how much I like him like this rather than the bloody and troubled Lan Zhan back in the nightless city.

'I missed you, Hanguang-jun.' Murmuring while staring at Lan Zhan.

Then everything faded again right in front of me. Weakened by the long tortures of being trapped here and the faded memories of everything I cherished, finally I gave in and fell right in.

"Thank you, Wong Fei Hong." Because of him, I can say that I have fully accepted my fate and now i'm ready to go.

"We're not done, yet." Turning around, he clutch his stuff and help me get up on my feet. "We're just starting to get what you want.'