Teenage Love or Is It

Home Life

   Mayte

    Once I got home, my brain was working overtime. I had to get dinner cooked and still had to do homework. Things started to get out of hand and quick. The twins didn't want to come inside and surely did not want to eat there dinner when it was time. Mom was at work and wouldn't be home until midnight. So I had to bare it. My other sisters wanted to be outside most of the night with their friends and just couldn't stop to think hey maybe Mayte needs some help. But it was okay with me. Once I got dinner ready and everybody ate, I gave the twins a bath and then put them to bed. Once they were asleep I did my homework and then watched some television. My grandma came by at like nine thirty to check on us. At which time she was surprised to see everything was already done. So she decided she was not needed and went back to her house. 

    After my grandma left, I went out the back door and stood on the porch and lit up a cigarette. Yes, I smoke but only when I have a lot to worry about. I don't know why but it made sense to me. I smoked the cigarette and thought of the day I had had at school. I couldn't get him out of my head. He wasn't like all the other guys I knew growing up. He was different and I couldn't figure out what it was. He just had this way about him that intrigued me. I wanted to know more but before I could let my mind roam about him one of the twins woke up. I quickly put my cigarette out and ran to check on her. 

    When I got her back to sleep, I went to take a shower couldn't let my mom find out about me smoking. She would have cow if she knew. She would never let it go. She wanted so much for her daughters. She wanted something better for us. But I just couldn't cope like others do. I needed my release from stress and my dad had always said that was why he smoked. So I tried it out and I liked it. But if mom knew I would be done for. So I gathered my clothes for bed and my towel and headed to the shower. Once in the restroom I just looked at myself in the mirror and I looked awful or so I thought. But what do I know right. I turned the hot water on and began to get undressed. Once the tub was filled up with hot water I just sat in it to relax. The day had been so stressful I just wanted to escape for a little while. 

    My parents never really paid close attention to what I would do. So once in the tub I took the razor and began to cut. I felt horrible inside and couldn't make it go away. I didn't know why I felt this way but I just did. I didn't want to end my life, I just wanted the pain to go away. I hadn't really thought about how bad it could get for. I just wanted to be numb from everything. My parents divorce was bad enough and then my dad's mom died and I didn't get to say goodbye. Now it feels like everything is going out of control and I can not control that but I can control the fact of what I do to release the pressure. And cutting myself is the only way I know. Time slowly passes and I get out of the bath and get dressed. Seeing as I don't wear shorts I can cover it up. It is ten mins to midnight and I am waiting up for my mom to come home. When she enters the house she looks really exhausted. I help her get in her bed so she can sleep. Then I go to my room to try to sleep but his face keeps appearing to me. What is wrong with me?