Fated Or Doomed

Luna and Gamma

Liv

I woke up from another small panic attack. My breathing was ridged and no sound will come out my throat. My chest was hot and sweaty to the touch. As I place one hand on my center to relax. My other hand reaches down and search beside me. Rooming around I grab the sheets. Sitting up with my elbows, I turn to see my mate was gone.

But not gone, gone. I can smell him here. As my head trail back down to its normal clutter. I jump out of bed and search for him in the closet where his scent sent me. Needing to get lost out my trapped mind. I get lost into my mate. Needing and wanting all of him. Yet after all that. My one need was flipped around. Usually it worked but only started a fight. Him not understanding my need to continue to work for us. To fight for us. For our people. I can’t just brush off these meetings like what they say doesn’t matter. There’s repercussions to what happens. I can’t fail nor disappoint anyone. Especially my mate. I storm out. Telling myself to just keep doing what i’m doing. To just stay focus.

Entering Travis’s study. I make it the large cases of books that lines the wall. Searching for the ones I needed. I laid them out on the table. Before beginning, I need to ease my anger. To wash away this unneeded emotion. I pour myself a full cup of whiskey. Damn near finishing it by the first paragraph.

“This is worth it. In the end. It’ll all be worth it.” Placing my cup down.

I lean back on the couch with my first book. Scanning pages after pages after pages. Same with the next 2 books. Once I made it to my third. I stop at the heir prompt. Closing my eyes as I try not to think on the subject. A image of one day having a swollen belly hits hard. I lay a hand over my empty womb. Bringing a dread feeling inside of me. I hold back a tear. Thinking and almost believing this will never happen. I shut the book and throw it down on the table.

“There has to be a way. There just has to be.”

I got up to walk over to my spell door. Praying to myself that all our hopes and dreams will come real. At least for Travis’s. He’s good. He has done so good and more. He deserves to have it all. And losing everything just because I can’t produce a heir can’t be it. Goddess had a plan. I can’t accept that it’s anything other than that.

The smell hits like peace. Sniffing in the air calms me down easily. Allowing me to focus on my next task. Another must be done. Something Travis wouldn’t understand. s**t! He would be mad if he even knew what I was doing. I don’t need him to worry about me more.

He will just tell me to stop.

I know it hurts when I shut him out. But I need him to just do anything than worry about me. Let him do his Alpha s**t, that a least a day distraction from me. And in the means time, I can do my s**t.

Turning on the lights. I clean up my mess from last night. Hitting a reaction over my mess. I didn’t get the answers I wanted. f**k! I didn’t even get pass the one I knew. All this and I feel like i’m getting nowhere. I just seem to drain myself. But if I keep trying, keep on pushing than I’ll get somewhere. Just something.

By the end of my task lastly I been feeling hungry. Not hungry as in I need a sandwich or a huge plate of dinner. I skip most meals. Some days Travis bangs on the door demanding I eat something. I have to cave in to him. Assuring him I’m just too busy. But this hunger. It came deep inside of me. The split half taking over.

I got down on my knees as I swipe down the dry blood on the floor. Scratching the hard floor with my brush. The smell has gone away but the memory came back. Failing set me to a rage. Knocking everything off the table. Breaking all my work as I think of giving up any chances. A few glasses shattered. Spilling whatever left drops onto the ground.

I know I could stop and accept all facts. But no! I woke up giving it one more chance. Maybe this time I can make out a time it occurs. That way I can do something about it.

I grab all my items for today. Rumbling from one side to the other as I grab a book, some jars, a tea cup, a blood bag, a very sharp knife, and other little things.

Placing everything on my table. I stand in front of my large bowl that centers itself in my island. Still left with bits of my last spell. I begin to start casting. I open my book and flip it to the page I have mark. Not needing to read my writing. I start to throw in some items. Asian Ginseng, Bacopa, Devil’s claw, and some of my blood. I take the knife and allow it to slice from my whole palm. Putting it down, I squeeze tight as the blood runs in the bowl and begins to bubble with smoke.

I give it time and let it set in place. In the means time. I walk over to my desk and grab a small spoon. Putting on a hot kettle to a boil. Time passes and I pour the water into my cup. Crushing some red clovers and sunflowers. I walk back to my island and sparkle some cinnamon. Using my small spoon, I twill it all together.

As I lift my cup to my lips a knock came to my door. “I’m casting right now.” I shouted.

Putting the cup again to my lips, the person on the other side continues to knock. I put my cup down. Thinking it was my mate probably checking in on me. Goddess know he won’t leave until I let him in.

Walking to the door, I didn’t get his scent. My brow frown in confusion as a voice came through the cracks. I turn the knob and open the door to find Gamma Sarah.

“Good afternoon Luna.” Bowing down slightly.

“Hi Gamma Sarah.” I look around to see if anyone else was there. But it was just her. “Can I help you?”

“It’s more if I can help you.” She said as she nod her head towards me.

I shrug and move to the side to allow her to enter the room. I close the door, allowing only the darkness to sit the room. I wave my hand to spark up candles that line around the room to dim it just enough.

I headed back to my island and take a sip of my tea. Gulping a large amount, I mmh to the taste. “So I’m guessing Travis sent you?” She shakes her head. “Mason? Huh.” Taking another sip. “I’m fine. Everything is fine. You can go back to your post Gamma.”

“They didn’t send me Luna. I offer to accompany you.”

“Accompany?” I chuckle a little to myself.

“Can I help in anyway? Or I can just stand here?” She fix her position with her hands cross her back. Soldier like.

“Gamma.” I said nicely. “Thank you but you can tell the Alpha and Beta that I’m studying right now. I’m better on my own. I’m sure they’re just concern. And they don’t need to be.” I wave my hand to the door and allow it to open. Hoping she leaves.

She walked towards the door and closed it. Grabbing a chair and setting it close by, she takes a seat. Smelling the air, she lift my cup and lets a small huff out. “Honey would be a better mix.”

Giving her a sharp look. I go to make her a cup. Being a good host. As I let the cup down. I cover it with my hand. “It’s strong. I warn you Gamma . It’s not some store bought drink.”

“Ohh I know.”

I gave her look, and her proceeding to take a sip had me wonder.

I walk back to my spell and check if it’s ready. Testing the smoke flames, I blow on it. Smell the acid bitter, it needed a few more minutes.

“Does Alpha know about this?” She ask.

“He build the room Gamma.”

“No about the blood and this?” Lifting the cup.

I lightly turn on my heel. “Is that what he wants to know?” She said nothing. “I’m working. That is all. He is aware of the many task I have going on.”

“Yet the books he assumes you are occupied with are scattered on the table out there. While in here we are? But Luna I smell something odd at work, not to push but..”

“Then don’t!” Saying with a strong tone. Warning her to mind her business. And she nods.

“Would you like to talk?” She asked me as I roll my hand in a fist.

“No Gamma. I want peace and quite.”

“Then I should watch and support you.” She says as she drinks her tea.

Pouring some liquid out and into a jar. I thrown in some herbs. Mixing it up it changes colors. I hear Gamma finish her cup and turn to her.

“Are you will gonna just sit there and watch? I know both Alpha and Beta worry. But I don’t need a babysitter. I don’t need to talk anything out. I’m busy.”

“They do worry. But they are also annoying idiots. I came on my own behalf. For a long time it has been just me and them.” I get a hint she may need a talk. But I shake my head. Not wanting to waste time.

“Well your job is done. You checked in. Good day.” I turn back to my stuff. But I get a strong feeling coming from Gamma.

“Are you truly okay Luna?” I nod. “Thank you for the tea, I needed the help.”

I turn a raise a brow. Staring at the cup, it was empty. I look down to her belly, not sensing any life. But my mind wonders.

“You know we are very much alike in a way Luna.” She smiles as she continues to drink her tea.

Raising eyebrows, “yet you are capable of producing a pup for your mate.”

“Doesn’t mean I wanted pups.” Again she grabs my attention. “I never actually wanted kids really.”

“And now? Your mate and all?” I curiously ask.

Gamma giggle. “No one is aware of this.” I cross my arms to her. “But I have been taking it easy these last week. Which is why I offer to come to you and accepting your special tea.” She gave me smile at the word ‘special tea’.

Thinking back. I haven’t seen Gamma doing her usual stuff. And Travis has told me Gamma has be leaning back in the training field. Putting two to two together. I knew what she meant. And i’m intrigue.

“How long have you been trying?” I asked.

“Very recently.” She laugh. And I saw a hint of pain.

“Well congrats. After twice daily drink i’m sure you’ll be expecting soon. Very happy for you and your mate. Being able to conceive is a privilege.”

“Thank you. But it took a long time for me to even accept it. I never wanted kids.” This was surprising, you rarely meet a female wolf who doesn’t want pups. In their culture it’s known for the female to be more drawn to motherhood.

“I am aware of you and Alpha’s situation. And I understand both side.”

“How so? Because as I am aware. I don’t know if I can get pregnant. I have taken test after test after test. Only to find out that even with my period in tack, my fertility results are burn out. We get no results. Leaving us to still worry if i’ll even have just one pup. That’s all we need. One. And I may not be able to.” My stomach clench inside. Thinking it will never happen one day. And my mate will one day regret his choice.

“Well growing up I hated being that girl. The one who sits nicely, cooks, cleans, and do as her mate says. Sitting back as he goes off to battle while the she wolf stays home with the litter.” I nod to her. Listening to her every word. “I did everything I can to not be that girl. And it worked. I wasn’t accept as a warrior until I proved it. Truthfully it was hard and getting push aside a lot. And that’s from everyone. And the rumors and side eyes, huh I dealt with it all.”

“And now look at you. You have done extraordinary well as a she wolf Gamma. Be proud.” We share a smile.

“That’s the thing. Where I have gotten has put my goal higher. I didn’t want a mate or kids. I have it all. I’m a female Gamma. I don’t have time to be a wife and mother. And I won’t give up my title. Is that wrong?”

I thought out her question. But knew it wasn’t one towards me. So I pull my back straight.

“Before marking with my brute of a mate. We had a talk. I thought he would leave after I told him. But he stayed. Now after a few years, I grow to wanting them. And now I have tried nonstop to have one. I search and knowing some herbs that increases your chances. Knowing that a fellow pack member whom happens to be my Luna can help me. So when I smell them inside your tea. I knew. I knew Luna.” I blink repeatedly at her with widen eyes and crossed arms.

“You are very lucky to have your mate. He’s a good man. I wish you two well.” I reply as I let go of my breath.

“As is Alpha.” My look sour a little.

“We just don’t know Gamma. I’m not like you. Not any of you. All of this is new and hard. And borderline confusing. I’m doing my best. I can’t have the council stepping in because of me. I rather leave then let anything happen to the pack.”

“It’s a lot. I get it.” I sense she’s empathetic.

“I don’t think you do. Travis doesn’t even know it all. And I don’t want him too.” I said with sadden sweeping in.

“We are a pack. He is your Alpha and mate. Trust and lean on.”

I shake my head and turn back to my stuff. I smell a sweet bitter smell brewing now. And my spell was ready. Again I told Gamma I am fine and she can leave. But once again she doesn’t move. I sigh loudly. Not wanting her here while I cast my spell that will have me trans into my mind.

“You are my Luna. I’m sure you know what that means.” She say as she gets up and places both our cups in the sink.

“Yes I have read it. You will forever be my body guard.” Reading up in all the titles, I read the strong connection a Gamma and Luna holds. It’s understood as the Alpha has his Beta. The Luna has her Gamma at her side. And with me almost taking the stands. My guess is Gamma Sarah is working her way to get use to my side.

“I’m your protector. My job is to keep you safe.” I tilt my head to the side. “A Gamma will have a bond with their Luna. Allowing me to know when you need me. I will be there. I will always be at your side as long as you are my Luna. This is something a Beta does not have with their Alpha. Yes I still take all orders from Alpha. But my job is to mainly keep you safe at all cost.”

My jaw drop to her. Reading her remark. “Why would you sign up for that? Do you even want to be my Gamma?” I ask.

Even though we do not know each other. I know Travis trusted her enough to pick her as his Gamma. But she did not choose to be mine. Would I be able to trust her?

“I wanted to do something more than the past she wolves. I wanted to be who I am now. I chosen this. And yes, if you would have me. I would prove to you that I can be your Gamma. It is a trust we can build.” Gamma seems to have her mind made up. I have read about this but I didn’t think it was a bond enforce. I’ll have to reread it.

I step close to Gamma. Just feet away from each other. She stand tall as she hold her figure well before me. I try to sense her truth. I listen to her heart as is beats normal. Not skipping a beat.

“If you don’t tell Travis or Mason what I’m about to do. Then yes. I will accept you as my Gamma.” She nods to me with a curl on her edge.

Turning to walk to my island. Taking my jar fill with its mixture. I chug it down with a burning taste down my throat. Taking a match. I light it up and throw it into my bowl. Letting a spark up, it was ready. Before I begin my chant, my eyes glow a red. And Gamma calls my name softly.

“Just watch over me. Whatever you see, whatever happens. How ever destress I seem. Just stay put. I will be gone for a while. Once I have my answers I will return back.”