Chapter 4-1
357 Words
4
“Why are you acting like this, Indy?” Sawyer talks at me through the bathroom door.
“Can’t I pee in private?” I yell back. I’m having a tough time today and I don’t want the twins to get any crazy ideas. They wanted to sleep in the same bed last night and I turned them down. I’m in no place to have company in my bed. Not right now. I don’t want to give them the wrong idea either. I understand their logic. They care about me and just want to protect me but keeping our agreed upon boundaries is best for all involved.
I’m scared.
I woke up to the sounds of a baby crying. I know it’s my Zoe. Only she isn’t here. The weight of my emotions crushes me. It’s painful to bear. It’s never going to end. I look at myself in the mirror and blink rapidly. Sweat coats my skin in a cold blanket, but my face feels like it’s on fire. I take a deep breath.
Another.
And another.
Until I can’t breathe anymore. Finn is still at the door with Sawyer. I’m not fooling them anymore. I can’t even fool myself. I ball my hands into tight fists at my sides and tilt my head back. Beautiful Zoe, Mommy is sorry I couldn’t protect you. Can I even call myself Mommy? Is it a badge I can claim?
It’s fake.
A phantom word with an all too real consuming effect. It’s a poisonous thing that’s killing me from the inside out. Will I ever hear the words? And the real question, the one that sits in the back of my mind lurking, wonders if this is a punishment. My penance for all the things I’ve done in my past. I’m not a horrible person, but I’ve done things. I unclench my fists and slide to the floor. The tile is freezing and as I place my hands against the ground, the rapid beat of my heart can somehow be felt in my palms.
Thump… thump… thump… thump.
The feeling continues until my ears ring. Weakness comes quickly and I get dizzy. My eyes water and the weight of my body descends.
- Writer
