Chapter 3-2
1544 Words
The park isn’t far, and we agree to walk. We don’t speak as we take the sidewalk toward our destination. I’m mentally trying to prepare myself. I don’t know what my reaction will be. Back home, I didn’t see my nieces or nephews after losing Zoe, and I know the family did that out of respect. But I’ll see them, eventually. I’m the first one to break the comfortable silence. “Is this first session like a face your fears thing?”
Kai looks in my direction and places both hands behind his back as he walks. “Yes, and no. In the beginning, most people find it hard to be around things that remind them of their lost loved ones. You are only here for a short while, and it does not mean these sessions will cure you of your pain. It’s meant to help you cope with and get through your present and future obstacles. I didn’t answer your question fully back at the restaurant. For me, my pain remains. I look forward to their memorial and talk to them daily. Everything I am meant to feel and need to feel, I feel it then, when it’s their time.”
“But isn’t their time, all the time?” It feels like that to me.
“Yes, it’s always their time, but again, I don’t think my wife and child would want me to wallow in my misery.”
“So, for now you keep it hidden?”
“No, I keep it guarded. It’s my pain and my pain alone. Everyone processes differently.”
“Right. But then why do I need to talk to someone about my pain if it’s mine and mine alone?”
Kai stops walking and looks over at me with a solemn face. “It’s your pain and you need to talk about it because if it’s not addressed the same pain can become toxic. Let me show you how to safeguard yourself while dealing with your loss. Zoe was your most precious love. You will never forget your child, but you will remember and learn to find a balance between your wounds and your life.”
I don’t respond to his words. I let them sink in. My eyes go over his shoulder, and I see a mother sitting on a park bench with her baby in her arms. Another child stands in front of her saying something in Korean and the mother smiles. I grip the side of my pant leg as I watch. The thought of having another child feels like betrayal. Like I can simply replace Zoe and ease my pain with another child. And for a split moment, I entertain the idea of getting pregnant again with the outcome being one of success. Of me, holding a screaming, healthy baby.
“India?”
I look over at Kai, and I know he sees the agony on my face. Before I can stop him, he’s wiping my cheek. s**t. I’m crying.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. There is nothing to be sorry for. What you’re feeling and thinking is normal.
“Thank you.”
“What were your thoughts just now?” Kai takes my arm and leads me over to an empty bench where we sit. He reaches into his jacket and pulls out a handkerchief and gives it to me. We are far enough away from onlookers to not draw any attention, but close enough I can still see the children playing at the park.
“I was thinking, I should get pregnant again. That if I had a successful pregnancy, it would replace the hole in my heart. But now I feel despicable for even thinking that.”
“Why?”
“Because it feels like a betrayal.”
“Are you saying you will never have a child?”
That’s a great f*****g question. The thought has never crossed my mind. Eventually, it’s something that would come up. Especially if I have plans on marrying someone.
“No, I’m not saying I will not have another child.”
“Then do you think maybe having another baby now may in fact make things worse? This pain your feeling is too new. The wound is raw and bleeding. You need time to heal and reflect.”
“I get that. But you even admitted the pain never goes away.”
“It doesn’t. And to be clear, I’m not judging your thoughts. Simply saying what we know are facts. The pain is fresh, it’s deep and unable to be glossed over with a quick fix. Some day you will have another child if that’s what you truly want.”
I do, and he’s right.
“What do you suggest?”
“Take it one day at a time. Today, you realized you don’t want to replace Zoe. You’ve accepted she’s a permanent fixture in your life. She won’t disappear. And although it was hard for you to be around a mother and her baby, you are okay with being around other children.”
Kai is right. I cried, but I didn’t have a total breakdown either. A flash of red catches my attention and Kai reacts before I know what’s happening. He pulls me into his arms and out of the aim of the ball that almost smashes into my face. My face is in his neck, and the smell of citrus surrounds me. Neither of us moves. We stay glued together for what seems like hours. My ears muffle and the world around me goes silent. The beating of my heart crashes heavy against my chest, or is that his? Something inside me sparks, and before I give myself the chance to examine it further, I tug free from the moment and sit back against the bench. The world around me clears, and my ears unclog and sound emerges, drowning out my thumping heart. I can’t look at him because my reaction makes no sense. What is wrong with me? I don’t think I’m ready to be attracted to another man. But my body also isn’t dead. I take a moment to accept that Kai is attractive, but the doctor/patient thing isn’t something I’d ever entertain. Besides, he lives here, and I’m only in South Korea for a few days, maybe weeks. Nothing can come of this.
“That was close,” Kai says, letting go of a deep breath.
I clear my throat. “Yeah.” My hands are in my lap and my left foot taps out a rapid beat I can’t name. Kai places a calming hand on both of mine.
“I won’t let anything happen to you while you’re in my care.”
My foot stops moving, and the wind carries the sweet scent of flowers as I peer up from beneath my lashes to see the look on Kai’s face. My eyes dart away and focus on the ball that is now at the edge of the street. Without thinking, I get up and make my way over to where a small boy looks up at me and points to his ball.
Where is this kid’s mom?
I grab the ball and give it to the little boy. He bows and says something in Korean. I bow back. A wave of sadness overtakes me. I won’t get to play catch with Zoe or take her to the park. My stomach tightens. I place my hands over my abdomen and stare up at the open blue sky.
“Lord, give me strength. Please ease my pain. I don’t want to hurt anymore. Give me a sign. Is she with you? My Zoe? My precious, beautiful baby girl.” She must be. Where else could she have gone? My throat burns as I try to hold back my tears. Why was she taken from me? What did I do wrong?
“You did nothing wrong. I don’t know why it happened either, but I’ll do my best to help you start the healing process and begin again.” Kai’s standing next to me and having him by my side is comforting in a way. He’s really good at his job.
Kai’s words reassure me.
“I want to believe your words.” I’m being honest with myself for the first time. “I have so many unanswered questions. I ate all the right food. I didn’t drink or smoke. I didn’t put chemicals in my hair and did my best at everything. I’m selfish, always have been. But for Zoe, I gave up everything. Will still give up everything.”
“All parents who suffer the loss of a child would feel the way you do.”
No.
Not all.
People out there toss kids away every day. Maybe I should go that route. My shoulders shake as the first stream of tears slide down my cheeks. My vision blurs, but I see Kai’s face, and like me, he’s in pain. Maybe I remind him of all he’s lost.
Shit. I need to get it together.
Kai tugs the handkerchief out of my hand. It’s a soft violet with blue polka dots. I wipe my face and blow my nose and instantly feel bad. “Apologies.”
His face is sincere when he tells me it doesn’t bother him.
“I can’t keep crying. I feel if I stop it means I’ve lost her for good.”
Kai’s large hand presses gently on my collarbone. His skin is warm to the touch. “Zoe will always be right here. She will walk with you inside of your heart for the rest of your days. And as time goes on, you will realize she’s been there all along.” He takes my hand and leads us away from the park. “Today is your day one.”
“My day one?”
“Yes, day one of starting anew.”
Those had been my exact words.
- Writer
