Assassin X

Raven

If Raven’s embarrassment over her loose tongue and running out of a good restaurant on a sexy guy wasn’t enough to turn her off from drinking, the pounding headache and rolling sickness in her stomach was definitely enough to do just that.

Vowing to never drink again, she woke up early to get to work on time and felt the room tilt and sway, the vodka still messing with her system. She flopped back into her bed, too wobbly to stand, and thought seriously about calling into work. Since she’d began at the coffee shop she’d never missed a shift, no matter how late she’d been up the night before or what she’d had to do.

But this hangover, which was what she was certain she was experiencing, was killing her.

What would she do if she stayed home though? Sit and let her mind spin as fast as the room? That wouldn’t do her any good but make her even crazier than she was already feeling. So instead of calling in, Raven stood up from her bed, slower this time, and put on fresh dark jeans and the coffee shop t-shirt, their standard uniform. After splashing her face with water and putting on a hint of makeup, she felt as though she almost had herself together.

The brisk air outside helped also as she walked to work. It helped to wake her body and instead of feeling hungover she was feeling just cold. That was a far better feeling, but she still planned on pouring a huge cup of coffee when she got to work.

Once the bitter liquid hit her tongue, she felt better, clearer.

The best thing she could do for herself was to push Alex out of her mind. She needed to return to her old life and her old way of thinking, even if that life didn’t feel so comfortable anymore. It was her life and what was she going to be able to do to change it? Nothing really.

Even if she wanted to change it, she couldn’t. After her disastrous date it had become obvious. She didn’t belong in that world, the world of normal people. The people who got up in the morning and went to a regular job, who went on normal dates, went to bed at night and woke up the next morning knowing they had family and friends and a job and someone they loved.

Raven went to bed at night and woke up knowing that she would possibly have to murder someone the next night. And if she didn’t she’d still be going to bed with no family and no friends. None of that would ever change.

So the best thing she could do was to keep doing her day to day life and forget just how lonely she was.

The shift passed by rather uneventfully, customers coming and going as usual, with Raven at the heart of it all taking orders and doing her best to give everyone a smile. Though she didn’t feel like doing so, it was important to be friendly if she was going to be able to stay up at the register. Learning the barista machine or the grill, or even worse having to work in the kitchen, was not something she wanted to do. So, it was her duty to smile and be friendly, even when she didn’t want to, even when Alex walked into the coffee shop and took her breath away as he always seemed to do.

She was almost dumbfounded when Alex flirted with her, even asked her out again, despite her act of a crazy person the night before.

A drunk crazy person at that, which was far worse.

But there he was, asking her out, giving her a chance to try again.

Raven knew that if she opened her mouth to say too much, to give him any kind of fair explanation, the words that would pop out were going to betray her thoughts. While her mind was telling her to absolutely keep Alex away from her and not leave her vulnerable again, her heart was lurching at the chance to have another date with him.

Despite everything that was her reality; she wanted to know more about him and know about what it was that made her feel so weak to him. But she absolutely couldn’t give herself that chance.

She couldn’t go back and change her past so there was no way to change her future.

When Alex walked back out the door she couldn’t help but feel momentarily disappointed in letting him go. It made the rest of her shift drag on, making her feel even worse than she had with the hangover.

All she wanted to do was to get back to her apartment and bury herself under the covers of her bed, and try to find some way to clear her mind back to what she used to feel.

Numb.

But when she walked out the door herself, there was Alex, leaning up against the wall, tooling around on his phone. Had he been there the whole time?

It was cold out for that, yet he didn’t look the least bit disturbed by it. Raven stopped short a few feet from him, wondering if it was too late to turn around and find something else to do rather than head back in the direction of her apartment, but before she could make up her mind, Alex looked up at her and smiled.

"I figured if you wouldn’t give me another date, I’d have to kind of make my own. Are you heading home?”

It was hard to stifle a smile at his determination and how genuine he seemed, it really did seem cute.

"Yea,” she answered. “I’m pretty beat.”

Raven forced herself to keep moving and hoped that Alex would get the hint. Instead when she kept walking, he picked up right next to her and began to walk with her.

"I don’t blame you for being exhausted, vodka can do that to a person. So, then is it ok if I walk you home?”

The correct answer was supposed to be no, so then why did she so badly want to scream yes? What was happening to her?

Instead of risking opening her mouth, just like she did in the coffee shop she pressed her lips tightly together and just kept moving. She had learned long ago that if her body kept moving then it was easier to stop her mind from thinking about what was happening.

"So, this has been some pretty cold weather huh?”

Raven risked a small half smile at his awkward attempt at small talk. Not that she would have been any better, she was just walking in silence, but she just expected that Alex was probably smoother than her. In fact, she was certain of that.

"Yea, that was lame,” he said and rubbed the back of his neck a little uncomfortably.

I’m, sorry, about last night,” she finally managed to say.

"Don’t be,” he answered easily. “I liked getting to learn about you. I wish you would have told me more.”

Raven’s heart was pounding, that urge racing through her again to open up to someone, especially Alex.

What was it about him that made her feel so…different?

"I definitely shared more than enough for a first date.”

She peaked at Alex and he was looking at her, his brow raised and the corner of his lips tipped up in a half smile.

"If that was more than enough for a first date, then does that mean there will be a second date? Because I would like one of those,” he told her.

She tried to imagine what a second date would feel like with Alex. The first date had been so perfect and awful all at the same time, as she knew…nothing in life was black and white anymore.

But she couldn’t imagine it, couldn’t put herself through that. Because then what would happen next? A third date? They’d be in a relationship? He’d move in? They’d get married?

That bizarre train of thoughts almost had her laughing. But that was the truth wasn’t it? The whole reason to date anyone was to see if they were the person that you could end up spending a lifetime with, and that wasn’t an option for Raven.

"No, there isn’t going to be a second date,” she told him. There was an attempt in her voice to sound matter-of fact and strong but instead she was certain she’d come out sounding weak and sad, which was matching how she felt again.

"Why not?” Alex asked her.

His question seemed to be genuine, as if he was really wondering why she wouldn’t go out with him again. Raven looked at him, studying him, wondering why a guy like him, a guy she was certain could charm the pants off any girl, would want to keep trying to date a girl like her. Even without knowing her deepest secrets, at least her newest ones, she still must not have seemed like the best candidate for dating.

She swallowed hard.

"I just…I just don’t date. That’s all. I don’t have a lifestyle that makes it possible.”

Why had she said that? That wasn’t a good answer. That answer was going to invite more questions instead of just shutting the whole conversation down.

"Being at the coffee shop is just too busy?” He laughed a little as he joked. Raven looked away from him, hating the brightness his eyes took when he thought he was being clever.

But Alex took her hand and stopped her from walking any further. He looked at her, his eyes roaming hers, and she felt the warmth of his hand spread to hers, making a tingling sensation up her arm.

"Or is it because of your past that makes it difficult to move forward?” he asked.

And just like that she felt her body turn cold again, that special heat vanishing just as fast as it had come in. She dropped Alex’s hand, that feeling too foreign to her now, and she kept walking, picking up her pace, knowing she was almost home.

Alex didn’t move for a moment as she kept walking and Raven thought that maybe he had finally gotten the hint that she wasn’t going to say yes to another date, that she was too crazy to even try to date.

It was hard to understand if she was disappointed by that or relieved, but either way Raven kept walking faster.

It only took a few steps to hear his catch up to hers.

"I shouldn’t have asked that question. I’m sorry.”

She shook her head, she was the one who was sorry, but she didn’t say anything. Her building was finally in sight and more than ever she just wanted to get inside of it and make a cave out of her blankets.

Maybe get herself lost in a book.

When she stopped she saw Alex look up at the tall building and let out a low whistles.

"Wow, this is a pretty nice building.”

Raven looked up at it too, remembering how impressed she’d been when Papa had brought her to it the first time and told her there was an apartment in there that was all hers.

But looking up at it now, the building just seemed so sterile.

"Yea, it’s alright I guess,” she answered halfheartedly.

Raven smiled at the doorman who opened the door for her. Before she walked inside she turned to Alex.

"Thank you for walking me home,” she told him.

"My pleasure,” he told her. “Maybe we can do it again some time, consider it another date.”

He smiled but Raven couldn’t. She wanted that second date and as she turned to go inside, she knew she wasn’t going to be able to get it.