FOUND DESIRABLE

DEAR JOURNAL

My school was a 10 minutes walk from the house, I enjoyed my morning walks to school, it was the only thing I looked forward to every day, they were always peaceful and therapeutic, even though my dad bought me a car last year when I turned 16, he often tries to use gifts to substitute for his absence and I end up barely ever using them, after classes I would usually spend two hours at the school library, doing my assignments and reading comics and historical books, then walk home when the weather was calmer and the sun was about to set, I had a pretty straightforward life.

Today’s walk was not as peaceful, my thoughts were all over the place, I got to class and pulled out my journal, it was hanging on for it life, I started journaling when Jasper died and I’ve had the same journal since then and I took it with me everywhere, I’m usually early to classes but today I was a few minutes earlier than usual so I decided to express myself the only way I knew how, writing.

Dear Journal, it is the 18th of February

Today mom told me she is getting married to Henry, at first I thought she had finally remembered she didn’t lose me in that accident too and I was right there, she made a breakfast buffet and started talking about how she promises to be a good mother and for a moment I felt happy, like things were going to get better, like before Jasper died but she brought up Henry immediately after and I knew that all of it was just a show. Now we’re moving to Florida in two weeks to go be one big happy family, and to be honest I’m not mad at her, she looked happy and that’s all that matters, she also mentioned Henry has a son, so I guess I have a step sibling now.

I closed my journal and noticed people started coming into the class, class was starting any moment from now, I took a deep breath and cleared my thoughts.I wanted to pay attention to the lesson so I could focus my thoughts on something else.

After my classes, I headed to the library as usual but today I wasn’t in a hurry to leave, I spent so much time reading random books and eventually decided to leave around 7:30pm, by this time the sun was already setting, it looked so beautiful and I walked home reassuring myself that I was going to start afresh but this time it would be better, maybe this is for the best I thought,

I got home to my mom sitting in front of the door.

“Where have you been?” She said with a worried look on her face

“At the library, I go there everyday after school mom, why were you looking for me”

“Genevieve it is almost 8pm, how can a high school student just be getting back home from school”

“Mom, I’m just an hour and a few minutes later than usual, why do you even care all of a sudden”

I walked past her into the house and she followed behind, upset about the statement I made, I walked past the sitting room making my way to the stairs to go to my room

“Young lady, I’m not done talking to you, what in the world has gotten into you,

I turned around and started crying, I just couldn’t take it anymore, and she moved closer to me and gave me a really tight hug

“Darling did something happened, you can talk to me” she said

“I feel alone, every since Jasper died, you have be different, we don’t do movie nights anymore, you don’t take me to the farmers market or even spend time with me, I lost Jasper and dad decided work was more important and I lost him too but you’ve always been here and I still feel like I lost you too”

“Oh my sweet little darling angel, your dad loves you so much and you will always have him, even when he’s not here he’ll always be in your heart, and you’ve not lost me, I’m so sorry I made you feel that way, I’ll always be right here my little angel and if this is about Henry we don’t have to leave right now, I could just tell him we will wait until you finished high school”,

“No, it’s not about that, I’m happy for you mom and I want to move to Florida, I think we could use the fresh start”

“Are you sure?” She asked

“Yes, a hundred percent, I want us to have a happy family” I responded, weeping off my tears

“Alright darling, go and freshen up and come down for dinner, I made your favorite”

I smiled at her and went up to my room, and quickly changed out of my uniform and went downstairs for dinner. Me and mom ate and talked about old times and for the first time we spoke about Jasper without her crying, we laughed and smiled talking about how Jasper was such a stubborn child and I felt happy

“I’ve missed you so much mom” I said to her as we clear the table together after dinner

“I’m right here and all yours my darling until you become a college girl and become too cool to hang out with me”

“I doubt that I can ever become that cool”

She smiled at me and kissed my forehead and we made our way to the kitchen, did the dishes and went upstairs, she followed me into my room, tucked me in and said goodnight before turning off my lights and leaving the room.

I immediately fell asleep and had a dream, in my dream, my dad was trying to cross the road to meet me and was hit by a car, I woke up panting and sweating, I picked up my phone and called him immediately but he didn’t answer, I looked at the time and it was 3am, maybe he was sleeping, I didn’t want to disturb mom so I laid on the bed and imagined what my life would be like when I got to Florida, I hope I make new friends and maybe have a boyfriend, I never really cared for boys but I was finishing high school and I had never even gotten a love letter or had my first kiss, I was beginning to feel like I wasn’t desirable, after a few minutes of my thoughts wondering about I slept off.