One Day...

wanted to die

Now me and my son is living with my mom and her husband which who was cool my son called him grandpa. My mom was finally happy again and I was focused on my son and getting our life together. I was still having problems with my son's dad. One thanksgiving we went to my aunts house like we do every year. Me and my sister was talking in the kitchen and she didn't want me to leave cause she had a bad feeling that something was going to happen to me I just giggled and over looked her but she was right...something did happen to me the day after thanksgiving I was r***d with my son in the house and at this time he was only 2 the whole time this was going on all I could think was about my son and if he was ok. After it was over I smoked a whole pack of cigarettes when I had ran out he asked if I needed a pack when I said yes he left that was my time to call someone for help and I did. The call I had made was to my aunt and when they pulled up in front of my house I ran...now everyone is asking me where the baby was and all I kept saying was that he was in the house sleeping. Now the police is there trying to get my baby out of the house which he wouldn't go to them so them had me come to the front door and get him but I was safe...The police had their guns drawn out so I had to suck up my tears and call for my baby. He ran and jumped into my arms. My aunt took me to the hospital and they did so much to me. Took pictures, gave me shots and the whole time this was going on all I could think was how much I hated myself cause I felt like I didn't protect my son. I wanted to die.

But through time wondering how I could make it up to him. All I can do now is keep showing my son that his mom wasn't gonna give up.

It took me a long time to put the man away. Now at this time I started drinking and not caring about anything or even about myself. I started living for the day. The main reason I started drinking was to help go through the beatings but then my drinking got heavier just so I could sleep at night. I'm having nightmares every night...reliving that day over and over. Waking up in sweat and tears. To me, I thought that the drinking every day was normal... the more it was getting out of control I started to realize that it wasn't normal. Drinking made the anger come out. I was mean to people... I didn't care if I had hurt someone feelings. I just stop caring. I had started to see the damage and all the hurt my drinking was causing. So it was time to put it down. I did and I feel amazing now. I moved into my first 3 bedroom house. I take care of my home and who ever is under my roof.

There are days where I want to pick it back up. Being stressed doesn't help.... On August 22, 2021 I got a phone call that would bring my whole world to a STOP.... The call that I wasn't ready for... I was outside talking with my kids dad and my cell started ringing.... it was my baby sister... I didn't pick up.. then my aunt started calling me so I picked up... it's my sister crying telling me that dad was gone... I screamed at the top of my lungs... I cried and cried I felt part of my heart died... I was supposed to have been there and I wasn't...

Now I have to call my mom and let my son know that his grandpa was gone. I felt robbed like there wasn't enough time with my dad. My mom was the one who broke the news that my dad has stage 4 bone cancer. I called dad asking him to tell me the truth and when he confirmed it I broke down crying. I loved my dad very much. I couldn't do anything wrong in his eyes.. we had nicknames for each other... we would watch sports and make bets...

The day of his showing was very hard for my family. My aunt walked me up to my dads casket soon as I saw him I lost it... I started yelling that wasn't my dad....that my dad is supposed to be home watching tv.

Now as I'm older I understand that no parent is perfect. My dad drove semi for 20 something years I would go out with him sometimes (Loved it) he worked a lot, he was out on the road a lot. Now I understand...He had a home, bills, child support, so he had to be gone. He never told me that he was sick, never told me that he had cancer. I really do feel like time was stolen from me. I would text him all the time or sometimes I would give him a call we would laugh and crack jokes (my dad was a fun person,) I would go stay the weekend with my dad and his girlfriend. Me and his girlfriend would stay up making candy and playing cards. The next day I would be having coffee with them and she sometimes made breakfast for us. So when I found out what was going on I had to call him.

The call that broke my heart: Hung up with my mom I needed to call my dad. When he picked up the first thing came out my mouth was "Dad I need to ask you something and please don't lie" so I asked him if it was true that he has stage 4 bone cancer? He didn't say anything at first.

That's when I heard the words I wasn't ready for. I hear "yes babygirl, I do." that's when I started crying. At that moment it felt like someone ripped out my heart. This has to be a bad dream, why my dad? Dad begged me not to cry.

I would text him every day. There were times he wouldn't answer so I would panic thinking something happened. I was at the bank and heard someone yell my name when I turned around and saw it was my cousin. His dad and my dad are brothers. He gave me a hug and told me that he was sorry to hear about my dad. Then he tells me that the doctors gave him only 3 months to live.