Frozen in time

Chapter fourteen

Alice.

I'm dying to hate Gabriel, I can't believe he stole a kiss from me!

I'm dying for Gabriel, besides biting him, I even slapped him very painfully in the face!

I miss Gabriel so much, I can't believe he said he missed me too!

I've been like this since yesterday: FULLY SPLIT.

A part of me wants to run to the gate, open it and run out to his house and say that I also like him more than just being a friend and giving him a real kiss. Another part of me wants to keep my distance, and never speak to him again in my life, to the point of not even looking him in the face when the two of us meet in a bakery forty years from now.

OH MY GOD! What do I do at a time like this?

''Aly, if you love him, you can't let him get away because this might be your only chance to be with your true love.'' More than six thousand of my followers responded something like this.

''Aly, you have to stand firm. He's betrayed your trust as a friend, and if he says he likes you so much, he shouldn't have hooked up with another girl,'' and over six thousand of my followers responded something like this.

Even Aly Black's followers are divided!

I know it's me who should give loving advice to my readers, as I've read and written so many romance stories, not the other way around. But in this case, I swear I'm not sure what to do.

- Alice, close this notebook and eat your breakfast!

I quickly obey my mom, and close the notebook. But instead of eating a piece of that good looking cornmeal cake, I leave the breakfast table my mom made me especially (because I woke up later), and walk dejectedly towards the stairs.

- Aren't you going to eat Alice? - my mother says, looking at me a little worried.

- No mother. I'm not hungry.

In the blink of an eye, Carlinhos, Léo and Leandro appear from behind the kitchen counter and attack the cornmeal cake.

- Boys! This cake was Alice's! - my mother screams, but it's too late, because they run to the living room laughing as they stuff the pieces of cake into their mouths.

- Leave them mom... I really didn't want to eat.

My mom tilts her head as she wipes her hands on her napkin.

- What's wrong with you? Is sick?

- No. I just want to sleep a little longer...

I don't need to lie to my mom. We both don't like the same thing, we don't spend that much time together, but she always understands what I'm feeling before I say it.

- Oh, my daughter... - she says, in her calm and calm voice. - Do you need to talk to someone?

I shake my head because if I say anything I might start crying right now and I don't like crying in front of people.

"Come here..." She hugs me and I snuggle into her shoulder.

I was almost forgetting that my mother has this power to reassure people. And it's not just because she's an art teacher, but because she's a strong person who managed to overcome all the obstacles in life and now has plenty of reasons to be grateful for the life she has. I hardly ever see her raise her voice to anyone, - except for me, but I even admit that I'm a little difficult at times - She never gets annoyed easily. In fact, now that I think about it, she's the most relaxed person I know, and she has plenty of reasons to be irritated: a six-year-old reason and two ten-year-old twins.

Maybe I didn't give her the value she deserves.

- Mom?

- What my daughter? - She looks at me with sad eyes. It's funny how mothers always seem to take their children's pains for themselves.

- I'm sorry for not being the daughter you always wanted.

- Well, what are you talking about girl? - she smile. - You're way better than anyone I could ever want.

That's enough for me to burst into tears in her arms.

"Alice," she wipes the tears from my eyes. - You can't be so proud. You're young, and there's still a lot in life for you to explore, don't think that time freezes just so you can whine about something that deep down... you already know the answer.

- I... - I sniff. - I don't know what you mean...

- Yes. You know what I mean. - she says with her eyes shining. - Listen to your heart, it says you have to be crying in the bedroom for something you already know what to do?

"But that wouldn't be fair..." I start to complain, but she interrupts me.

- Of course it's not fair to everyone. But that's what will make you happy, isn't it?

- I do not know.

She arches an eyebrow.

- Yes - I say, amazed at myself. - I know it will.

- So do not lose more time. - she smile. - Go after your happiness my daughter.

I smile, and head upstairs to my room, but I still wonder how she knew what I was thinking? Maybe mothers have some power after all. And maybe, I would have learned more if I traded advice from digital magazines and girls' websites for advice from the person who is always around: my mom.

***

Sophie.

Today three people are wearing sunglasses at the agency because they spent a sleepless night. One of them is Catito, another is Priscilla and the other is me.

If Joe sees our late-sleep and over-drinking faces, he's quite likely to throw us out of the building window. Thankfully today I don't have any photo essays, we're all watching a lecture by representatives of Queen Bee's Perfum, - one of the sponsors of Way Models, and also Vogue's Christmas edition - in the agency's dark lecture hall. They want to show us that usual nonsense, the history of the company and its owners, the structure of factories and networks, the performances and how their products sell around the world, and blah, blah, blah.

I'm looking at the big screen projected in front, as the images and videos of advertisements for models wearing these perfumes (which to tell you the truth, I prefer my mom's) come on for all to see. Joe is sitting at the front in his red velvet armchair, applauding and agreeing to everything, and playing his ''happy partner'' role in front of the speakers, while models and other staff watch in the background from chairs or on plush armchairs, and some even jotting down ''important information''.

But I'm not paying the slightest attention to them, in fact, I'm looking right at the far corner of the room, where Thiago is sitting with his feet supported, with no sign that his face was hurt the night before, with just one little purple spot near his eye, pretending to be paying attention to the lecture, except he's actually typing something on his cell phone frantically.

I don't know why I'm bothered by him. I mean... after everything that happened to me yesterday, I have to wear long-sleeved clothes so my parents don't see the bruises on my arm, this morning for breakfast, and I have to show up at the agency today, even if I know I won't be able to stay for long as my parents are already preparing our one-way trip to Milan. Because the only thing I can think about is: what's this boy's problem?

What did he think I was saying when I said I didn't want him to do things that confuse me? I meant he could be less charming when he's around me, that's all. Am I crazy for asking this?

I think not.

Doesn't he know I can't like any guy until my heart is totally healed in the matter of Rick? What did he mean when he said he would do everything again to save me? And why on earth am I wasting my time thinking about a photographer I just met? I don't know... it must be because he saved me, I think deep down, I'm grateful to him, and nothing more.

I get startled when my cell phone light turns on in my hand:

''(1) Message from CatPhotographer: Hey babe, why don't you make it easy for me, and stop watching me like a detective every two seconds?''

I swallow the dry, how does he know? My God!

I immediately respond, making sure no one sees.

''And what makes you think I'm watching you?''

I take off my sunglasses and look at the speakers, feigning interest. A few seconds later he answers:

''Nothing. I just know.''

''So you're misinformed because I'm not looking for you. I didn't even notice you here until I got your message, as a matter of fact.''

''Did you know that you lie as badly as you try to disguise your feelings?''

I look at him irritably, and realize he's smiling from behind. But what is he talking about?

''And did you know I was wrong about you? I was starting to think you're cool, but now I think you're just what I thought before: a smart-a*s foreigner.''

''That's not what you told me at your house. Remember? That part ''...gentle, polite, very hot and has a wonderful mouth?''

WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS to be so ignorant to me?! I knew he was going to laugh at me for thinking he was into me! Now he'll probably use it to gain popularity, saying ''Model Sophie Castryne thinks all boys like her! Isn't she an asshole?''

I quickly type ten expletives to send to him, but before I click ''send'', a message from my mother arrives and makes me stop:

'' (1) Message from Ms.Samantha: Daughter, her father found out about Rick. I'm sorry, but he's already picking you up to take you to the airport. We are going to Milan today. I am really sorry.''

I stop breathing.

I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT!

How did he find out? What do you mean he's already coming to get me? I neither said goodbye to my friends nor prepared myself mentally for it.

I try to control the tears but they fall uncontrollably down my face as I walk out the back of the room and whisper what happened to Joe. He says ''I'm sorry'' and releases me, apologizing to the speakers. I run from the room as fast as I can.

He can't do this to me!

***

Eliza.

I Swear I DON'T KNOW what's wrong with me!

I'm lying on my bed watching a video about starving kids on Youtube from my notebook while eating some ice cream. I don't usually do this on Monday, but as my boss took pity on me and decided to give me two days off after graduating high school, and I even think I deserve it, as I worked a lot in the last few days.

I woke up a little late because of yesterday's party, which I had to leave early because I had the BIGGEST SHAME in the world and had to leave before I ducked into a hole.

My parents complained a bit because they were starting to have fun, but I lied that I needed to leave because I was dying with a stomachache and I didn't want to use the club bathroom, in the end they brought me home. So, I'll tell you the real reason I want to leave the party: I betrayed Edu!

I mean...it's not exactly cheating, since we're not dating anymore. But technically, he's still waiting for my answer so we can go back again, it looks like a marriage proposal... the bride didn't go out kissing guys other than her fiancé before giving the answer. That's more or less how I feel. And I know I should end the kiss even before it has started...because a girl knows when a boy is hitting on her, doesn't he? Everyone knows! But it seems like I was traveling so much in my thoughts that I didn't even realize Alex wanted to kiss me.

What kind of guy says he thinks the girl is amazing and beautiful, without wanting to kiss her? It's almost impossible for such a thing to exist.

But even so, I didn't know. And when I touched myself... Alex was already with his mouth on mine, kissing me with the greatest desire! At that moment I was thinking: what does he think he's doing? I have to run! But I told Carol I was going to have fun, and I'm a single, unattached girl, what does it cost to kiss me back, and let it go? So I just LET IT ROLL! I kissed Alex back.

How crazy... what a base thing to do! I forgot that Alex is also a human being with feelings, and I used the poor guy just to ''fun''.

And of course he worked for me, because the kiss was super nice and stuff... he's a good kisser and he's very affectionate. But there's just one really weird detail that's been filling my head since yesterday: I didn't feel ANYTHING! I mean...I just felt like I was kissing a guy, a c*m guy, that's all. It's like kissing is technical, you know? For the recording of a soap opera... it's like I'm forced to kiss him back. But I SWEAR it was like I was kissing my cousin!

After my record fell, and I felt uncomfortable, it was that we walked away and I almost ran away, but he caught me and said very gently, ''Hey, what's up? Didn't you like the kiss?'' I was trembling at that time, and the only word that was spinning in my mind in 3D and with a thousand copies was: ''EDUARDO, EDUARDO, EDUARDO, EDUARDO...'' but the only thing What I had the courage to tell the boy was: ''That's not it Alex. I'm sorry... but I have a boyfriend,'' and I ran away from him.

And since then, I've been here in my locked room, not knowing what to do but watch videos to see if I get distracted.

I think I'm getting sick because my head is hurting so much (and this time, it's not a lie), and my body is feeling heavier than normal. I tried to have some tea that my mother made after lunch, but it doesn't work, since (as a medical intern) I know that what I'm feeling is not a case of illness or fever, it's called homesickness.

I can't stop thinking about what Edu will say if he finds out I kissed another guy. Of course he's patient, and very calm...besides, he could understand me if I said I didn't want to kiss him, right? I don't stop thinking about him either, and when he's coming back. I even pulled out my cell phone and looked at the few pictures we have together, one by one, and maybe ten times over and over again. I think I'm going crazy, I didn't even clean my room this morning! And I NEVER miss making the bed.

- Daughter... - My mother knocks on the bedroom door. - Don't you want to go out for a while? Maybe you get better that way.

'No mother,' I say. - I'd rather stay right here.

- Well, that's right. But... I came to let you know that a guy in a suit brought a package, and it's for you. I thought it was strange, but... he comes from another state.

- From another state? - I get out of bed so fast, I almost drop my computer, and open the door.

My mother gives me a brown package in the shape of a small rectangular box, along with a white envelope. I pick it up and go back into the room, my mom closes the door and leaves.

I look at the package, half-decided if I should open it. My heart is beating very fast and I'm even afraid of what might be inside this package, but without hesitating I take the envelope and open it, it has a card inside, and on it is written a scanned letter:

''Eliza,

I'm sorry I didn't call you anymore, it's just that I thought I'd better give you a break. I know you must be very busy with double-dose work and preparations for your graduation, but even so, I couldn't help but send you this gift. I remembered you as soon as I saw you, and look I wasn't even strolling through the mall or anything... I just looked to my right as I walked from the restaurant to my car, and saw it glowing in a*****e window. A heart, because I know that one day you will be a great doctor, and you will save many lives.

I wanted you to know that I miss you so much. And every day I spend away from you, I realize I love you. I love even more than this medical school, and I love it more than my job. If I could go back, I would do everything differently, I would spend more of my time with you, because the few minutes I was with you during our three months together were enough for me to fall even more in love with you. It's the most beautiful and intelligent quasi-dwarf I've ever seen, and it's the only one that can make me stop to question if I'm doing it right. It doesn't matter if you don't want to go through what you went through while you were with me again, and I'll understand. But I wanted you to know, that you are the only girl I would leave my job for.

See you soon to receive my answer.

Edward.''

I feel my eyes fill with tears as I open the wrapping box and see a beautiful glittering gold chain with a heart-shaped pendant. But I don't cry, because I know I don't deserve this gift or this beautiful card. He said he loves me! He said he would quit his job for me! THIS IS THE GREATEST proof of love I can imagine, and yet I don't deserve it because I betrayed him.

If I stop to think about it, I must really be one of the worst people in the world!

I'm the most absent daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece and cousin a family can have: I'm almost never on weekend trips to my grandparents' farm; I almost never go to a benefit dinner for my uncle with health problems; I almost-never help my little brother train his karate moves; I never watch soap operas with my mother at night; I almost-never go to my cousins' birthday parties, and I almost-never pay attention to my father's old stories.

I'm the worst friend ever: I've never stopped to read an entire Alice book, and look, I've heard they're great; I never pay attention to the tragic stories of broken nails, a girl who wanted to imitate her haircut, or parents who won't let her go out to date Sophie; I never give them any advice; I almost-never go out with them to the mall just to see the shoe deals or something.

And now, I'm the worst ex-almost girlfriend ever: I cheated on the only guy I'm sure I love!

And all because I'm addicted to organization, work and goals. So what if I get two points less than expected in a class at school, just because I stayed up late talking to my friends and forgot to study for the exam? So what if I'm going to get an earful at work because I'm two minutes late? So what if I get fired? I know I have to make my dreams come true.

But I never stopped to think that I really have everything I need most: my family and my friends.

What I ask myself now is: Do I still have time to repair what I didn't do?

I grab my cell phone and dial Carol's number, - which I learned by heart just by calling every night to find out if she's already taken her meds before bed, or what good she's doing - But she calls dozens of times and she doesn't picks up, which is weird since she always picks up on the second ring. I really need to talk to her. She is the person who will be able to help me in this time of confusion. She has advised me these past few weeks to always listen to my heart and do the things I feel like doing and not just the things I think are my duty. Since I met her, I realized that even though she is suffering from a serious illness, she still has the sparkle of life in her eyes, she still loves her boyfriend as much as he loves her, she recounts so many moments she spent with her mother and family, with hope of being able to do it all over again.

It is with her that I have to learn to live.

She is the one I have to look like a little more, because she is the example of a person who is really happy.

After trying three times, I get a little worried. But maybe she left her cell phone in her room while playing video games in the doctors' wing. I smile inside when I think about it.

The fourth time I try, someone answers.

''Hello?''- but it's not Carol, it's Nurse Silveria.

I'm weird.

''MS. Silveria? It's Eliza, can I talk to Carol please?''

''I don't know if you can talk to her now''.

''But why?''

''Because she's in the operating room''

I freeze.

''HOW WAY'S SHE IN THE SURGERY ROOM?! - I scream - She doesn't have any surgery scheduled!''

''Eliza, calm down... she suffered a severe asthma attack this morning, and the doctors had to remove her immediately. I can't explain it very well, but it seems to be risky.''

''But she was doing so well... I'm already there.''

''Eliza, I don't think it's a good one...'' - Nurse Silveria was going to say something, but I turn off the cell phone and run to the closet to get my bag and coat.

I almost forget that I'm not dressed properly, in a dress that looks more like pajamas, but still I run around the living room at home, breathing ragged and my heart pounding.

- My daughter, where are you going in all this hurry? - my mother asks me, a little worried.

- Mom... I need a ride to the hospital. Carol is having surgery and I need to go there.

- All right... I'll take you. - he leaves the plate of cookies he's eating on the table and takes my father's car key from the keyring on the wall.

- Thanks.

I know my mom isn't the best driver, but it will take me forty minutes on the subway, and if my mom runs, I can get to the hospital faster.

I walk quickly across the slippery white floor of the hospital, trying to calm my breathing and repeating to myself: She's going to get out of this, she's strong, she's going to get out of this... as I head upstairs to the waiting room. When I walk down the hall, I see that everyone is silent and peaceful on this floor, it doesn't even seem like there's an emergency.

What I find in the waiting room leaves me with my feet glued to the floor:

A tall, very pretty woman with fair hair and expensive clothes, and two skinny girls with hair just like Carol's, but flowing down to their shoulders, are in tears, hugging each other in a single waiting chair. Chad is hugging them and is equally puffy-eyed and sobbing. Dr. Roberto is watching silently and very pale across the room. I fight the fear and walk over to him.

'Eliza,' he says softly. - What are you doing here on your day off?

- I... I came to see Carol. - My voice comes out hoarse as I look at Carol's family crying.

I know I am saying this in vain. I've only been working in this hospital for two months, and this scene I've seen many times. Deep down, deep in my heart, I know the truth, I just refuse to believe it, as every human being does when he realizes that something very unexpected has happened. It's hard... it's hard... and the first thing we do to avoid the stab of pain that hits our chest is not to believe it.

This is our armor.

- Didn't you know? - He looks at me with clear and wide eyes, and I swallow the dry. - Unfortunately, she didn't resist the surgery.

Is not true. They must have confused her with the anorexic Carol!

'No...' I say confidently. - It must be a mistake, Carol was great at the party yesterday.

- Her lung cancer has spread and she suffered an attack this morning. She was able to breathe through the braces until two hours ago, and we had to appeal for an emergency transplant... but Carol couldn't resist.

Carol didn't resist surgery. That's the truth... as much as it hurts.