Prank Me Love

Sometimes We Can't Just Stay Away From The Past

"I will never, ever regret the things I've done. Because most days, all you have are places in your memory that you can go to."

― lines from the n******e Before You" by Jojo Moyes

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CHAPTER TEN:

"You're looking great, Shane." Dr. Flynn looks at me from across his table. It was our schedule again. "How's the past one and a half month, huh? Anything new?"

Dr. Flynn had been overseas these past six weeks for an outreach program he was organizing. It seems a little bit surprising, how fast time really flies. Just two months ago, I met James and now, here I am, sitting across Dr. Flynn, guilty of one thing. I have already found a way to move on.

"I have a boyfriend now," I exhaled, watching Dr. Flynn's expression. He pauses for a moment and slowly smiles.

"So, how is it with James?" he asks.

"What?" I sat up, startled. "How did you--"

"It's no rocket science, Shane," Dr. Flynn grins wider, "It's with the way you looked when you first mentioned him. I already knew there was something going on there."

"Well, Uhm..." I trail off, feeling myself blushing all of a sudden. "It's just really very recent. We still trying to figure each other out. So..."

"And how is it so far?"

"Wonderful," I sigh, smiling to myself. "He's been very perfect."

"That's good," Dr. Flynn tells me, as he watches me silently on his seat. "I'm happy to see you smiling much wider now, Shane."

"Me too," I agreed, nodding. "I'm really feeling great."

"Anything else good happened?" Dr. Flynn pushes, "How are you feeling lately?"

"Well, hmm. There's this one thing actually," I say hesitantly.

"Okay..." Dr. Flynn seems to shift as he looks at me attentively while he adjusts his glasses.

"It's just that," I go on, "I feel very weird with James. He's just..."

I didn't know how to really explain it. The thing is, I've been wondering about it for a while now. Sometimes, I feel quite unsure of things with James lately. But I think it could possibly be just a little mix-up with what happened to me in my past. Though, I'm still doubtful, since everything between us seems to just happen so fast.

"What is it, Shane? What's weird?" Dr. Flynn frowns at me, interrupting my thought, and I look up to him.

"It's like I've known him before," I reply with a small smile, "It's just so weird that all I feel about him is this kind of familiarity I can't quite explain. Is it strange?"

"But, do you recall anything? About this feeling?" Dr. Flynn asks slowly, "Do you... remember him in the past as you say? This kind of familiarity you're mentioning?"

I paused and studied Dr. Flynn. He is looking at me like he's trying to figure something out and I looked away.

"I don't know," I say softly, "It's just a feeling. I don't really remember if there's anything else."

Dr. Flynn frowns down for a minute and stayed silent. I wondered what he was thinking.

"Well, maybe," Dr. Flynn glances up to me again. "You should try to see where it would go with him. Maybe you'd soon find out what this familiarity really means."

I nod and sighed. He must be right, I should just let this bring me to it if really there is something there.

"It's the 14th, tomorrow, right?" He tells me after a moment and I suddenly remembered it was. I didn't even realize it's been already a year since I did visit that place.

"Are you going there?" Dr. Flynn asks as if reading my thoughts.

"Yeah, I should," I tell him, nodding. "It's the least I could do."

"Shane," he tells me after our session, and I look at him. "You know you can't hold on forever from your past, right? You need to let go of it and try to live in the present."

I nod at him smiling, standing up to leave.

"And Shane?" Dr. Flynn says for the last time as I turn to him with a questioning look, waiting for him to say what he wants to say.

"It's not wrong to see where's this relationship with James goes. Maybe he's the one you've been looking for... Something that would help you."

I thought of what he told me for a second before waving at him to leave. And as I left the hospital, I felt somehow different... Lighter yet still bothered.

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"You okay?"

James's voice hovered my thoughts as I shake myself back to reality. I looked out from the window, realizing we were already at the front of our house.

"Shane?" James calls out again and I turn to him.

"Yeah," I smiled at him reassuringly, nodding.

"You sure?" He frowns at me.

"I'm just..." I wiped my eyes with my palm. "Nothing, I feel sleepy somehow."

"Okay," James replies. "Do you want me to stay?"

"You will?"

"Of course," he smiles, "Why? Do you want me to leave?"

"No," I shake my head, grasping his hand that was holding the console, "Stay with me."

We went upstairs, and for yet another moment, it feels so familiar. Everything we do, the way we touch, and the way James moves around the house so comfortably by himself, feels so weirdly familiar.

"Have we met before?" I asked again, while we lay on our backs on my bed. He was moving his fingers through my hair as we stare at my ceiling.

"Why do you keep asking that?" James counters.

"I just feel like, I don't know. Like I've seen you before and I don't know when or how I just feel so familiar with you... So, have we?"

"I don't know, Shane. How familiar do you feel?"

I thought of his question for a second. "To be honest? I don't really remember meeting you but every time I talk to you, I just get this feeling like it had happened in the past. Do you also feel that?" I look up to him.

"Feel what?" James murmurs, and he sounded sleepy all of a sudden. I paused.

"Are you even listening to me?" I say, offended. I shift to my side to check if he was sleeping already. James had his eyes closed.

I slap him on his chest and he chuckles and hugs me with his arms. "No, princess. I'm resting," he says, snuggling closer. "And yes, you do feel familiar."

He began tickling my sides and I laugh.

"Stop it," I tell him, swatting his hands away.

"I thought you feel sleepy," he says softly, opening his eyes to look at me. Those brown eyes held mine for a moment.

"Fine," I grumbled but was grinning back. "We'll sleep."

"Good," he says, resting his head above mine and I close my eyes. But then, after a minute, I just realized... James had dodged my question again.

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"You're going today, honey?" Dad asks me as he watches me descend down the front stairs of the house. He was watering the yard. It's his day off today.

"Morning, dad." I greet him, smiling. "You coming with me?"

I saw James wiping Belle clean by the garage and he smiles at me, giving me that stare that instantly makes me feel giddy inside.

"Nah," Dad replies, "I think I'll pass this time. You two have fun, though."

He gives James a look that I don't quite certainly see from where I stood and I frown at James who was shaking his head as he laughs silently.

"What's that all about?" I ask him once I had approached the garage.

"What?" James looks at me innocently as he ignores me and continued to wipe Belle clean.

"Don't what me, Jamey boy," I say, crossing my arms. "You look like you just had a silent convo with dad, right there. What's that mean?"

"He was giving me a smirk, and it was quite funny." He smiles at me and puts the towel he was holding on the bucket behind Belle. He picks it up and puts it on the back of the garage and went back to me again, holding his arms out.

"Come here and give me my morning hug," he tells me.

"What? I'm not doing it where my dad is just there watching us from a distance." I say indignantly, backing away a step.

"Oh, princess. Come on," James whines, grinning at me, "Come here and hug me." He flexes his fingers, keeping his arms wide open, and groaned back.

"You're impossible," I muttered, walking towards his arms and hug him back. He sighs and cages me with me his arms.

"You need to let go now, Jamey," I say to his shirt as I try to pull away.

"Give me five more minutes," he says, inhaling my scent.

"My dad is watching us," I whispered sharply, quite aware that it was true.

"Let him," He tells me, "And he's not really watching. His back is turned to us."

"Let me go, Jamey," I say, tapping his back.

"Alright," He replies after a second and reluctantly pulls away. He smiles down at me and ruffles my head. "Morning, princess."

"Ugh," I grunted and scowl at him. "You're so bad."

"But you love me," he says and walks around towards the driver's side.

"Yeah, unfortunately, I do," I mutter to myself as I turn around to look at dad. He was looking at me, and he was smiling. He did saw everything.

"Do you even know where we're going?" I asked James as he drives away from the house, smiling towards the windshield.

"To the cemetery, right?"

I silently turn to him, frowning. How come does he know?

"Your dad told me about it a while ago," he tells me as if he had read my thoughts. "Are you sure you're going to be fine going there today?"

What does he know?

"Wait," I say, shifting to my side to look at him, "So you know why I'm going there? How? Who told you? I didn't tell you anything about that before."

James stayed silent, not looking back at me.

"James?"

"It's..." He stops, hesitating for a moment then sighs. He finally glances at me from the road, "I know him... okay?"

"You know Peter?" I felt my heart stopped when I mentioned his name out loud. The guy-I-can't-be-named has now been exposed.

"His story," he answers, looking away. A deep frown forming on his face. "I know his story, not really him in person."

Peter's funeral has been visited the most in the neighborhood when it happened. A lot of people did know their family because of his father and his older brother. He had come to be known by a lot of residents in our town.

"Have you seen him before?" I ask softly, as I recall the memories of Peter in my head.

James pauses for a minute and nods quietly. "Yeah..." he whispers, "In his... funeral."

"Okay," I nod, keeping the tears at bay. I look up, forcing them to disappear. I took a deep breath and look out of the window.

"We need to stop by the flower shop," I finally say after a moment of silence, "I'm buying him some flowers."

I slowly walk on the gravel pathway towards the big mausoleum owned by the Garrett's. It was a white victorian styled one, that if by chance you just come to look at it in a picture you'd think it was really a house where live persons live in. But, no. It was where Peter is buried and it was what his family thought could be the only last thing they could give him for passing away at a very early age... Where he could have been going to senior high by now and be with his friends, enjoy his teenage years... Be with me.

I could hear other footsteps behind me, and I knew it was James. He has been following me, but since the conversation we had in the car, he had been silent. Maybe, he knows I felt a bit blindsided that he had already known who was Peter to me... And I still don't understand how he did, considering he never really knew him nor me that much in the first place. I don't really believe dad would even tell him all of that...

"I want to be alone for a moment, James," I say not turning around, and staying on the ground where I stood in front of the front door of the mausoleum.

James didn't say anything back though, but I heard his footsteps disappearing away and away. I closed my eyes and exhaled. I walked up the front stairs and opened the big glass doors. He was there, his picture on a frame lying alone on top of his marble coffin.

He was smiling in the picture, it was the picture taken when he had his sixteenth birthday, my face was cropped out from that picture. We were smiling when it was taken and it was also the night when we became official together. It was the night where the happiest memories had been made... Before...

The tears that I had been afraid of had already flowed down my face as I look down at my feet. This is hard... Seeing him and his beautiful face, I can't. I can't forget that. That night we kissed, that time we had talked for the first time, that notebook kept on my dresser... That letter he'd written for me... I can't.

I cried out as I kneel down on the floor, silently weeping for my loss. It had been two years since I lost him, and I'm still broken.

I miss his eyes, the sound of his laughter, his warm hugs but mostly, it was all him. I miss him here with me. I don't think I'm really that ready to let go of our love now. Not yet... Not soon, even.

Cause it hurts like hell.