Unapologetically Me

Chapter Forty Three

I was the worst daughter ever. I hated myself and I hated her and that's why I was the worst.

I stared at her still form on the bed and selfishly thought about myself and my plans and how if she hadn't shown up, I would be in Massachusetts right now with James and we would be looking at the apartment that we were going to start leasing.

It was going to be a fresh start and I was going to be free. And now I was here, brushing my mom's yellowing skin with a wet rag and giving her water when she got thirsty and waiting on her hand and foot because it was the least I could do. I had all of these raging emotions that made no sense, but also made perfect sense in my head.

I hated my mother. I hated that I was here. I hated that James didn't go to Massachusetts and that he was in here with me, instead of out with his friends. I hated that with everything she put me through, I couldn't just stand up and leave her to die her slow, miserable death.

I felt guilty and angry and sad and everything all at once. I couldn't control my feelings. One minute I was scared because she'd start breathing funny in her sleep, and the next I was pissed because she would snap at me that I couldn't get her water to her fast enough.

They were keeping her in the hospital for a few more days to keep an eye on her but from what her doctor said, my mom had about a year or so left. And although I wanted my fresh new start with James, I knew I was going to stay with my mom.

We hadn't spoken about it yet. James sat in quiet contemplation all day every day while he sat with me in her hospital room. Neither of us hardly spoke unless it had to do with my mom and what she needed, but I think both of us knew what was happening.

Both of us knew that we were going to part ways in the middle of this summer. I just didn't know if we were still going to be together or not. I didn't know if he wanted to try for a long distance relationship or if he was holding out hope that I would still go with him to Massachusetts even after all of this sh*t.

Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he broke up with me tomorrow. It would hurt. I think it would hurt more than anything else right now, but I think I'd be capable of understanding why.

Thinking about it these last few days here in the hospital, I always had to excuse myself and run to the bathroom. Guilt would wrack my body because I was more worried about my boyfriend breaking up with me than my mom.

And it wasn't like I didn't care about my mom. I did. I was scared. After hearing the doctor say she only had about a year or so to live, fear gripped my heart because I knew I would be alone. But only if James broke up with me. And that was what kept me from talking to him.

I was afraid that if we sat down and talked, he would tell me that it would be for the best and I was too much of a coward to face him right now. I was also selfish and wanted to keep him for as long as I could, even if it meant having him sit in the stinky, hospital room without saying a word to one another.

I wiped my eyes and stared at myself in the mirror above the bathroom sink of my mom's room. My eyes were red and puffy and I looked like the living dead. And I was hiding. My mom was asleep and I had been thinking about James and how he was leaving soon and how angry I was at it all and couldn't stop the tears from falling.

I tried hiding them, but I knew he had seen them before I escaped to the bathroom. It was a lot. In the past nine months I had faced so much sh*t, I didn't think I could handle it any more. Not that I wouldn't have to. My mom was dying. I was going to have to muscle through that, but it was all too much.

There was a soft knock on the bathroom door and I sighed.

"I'll be out in a minute!" I called. I hoped that I wasn't loud enough to wake my mom. Even being as sick as she was, she couldn't help being a miserable b*tch to me and I didn't want to have to walk out to that.

"It's me. Can I come in?"

I closed my eyes and leaned down on the sink with my hands, gripping the porcelain hard. This was it. He was going to do it. I turned slowly and took a deep breath.

I opened the door slowly and he walked in, his eyes looking over my face. I leaned back against the sink and crossed my arms over my chest so he couldn't see how hard my hands were shaking.

"Hey." He said quietly. He shut the door behind him and we both stood in the small bathroom, staring at eachother awkwardly.

"Hi." I swallowed hard, wincing. My throat ached and I could feel my eyes prick with tears again.

Maybe I should be the one to do it. Maybe it would be easier to accept if I just broke up with him and he didn't have to feel guilty because of my mom being sick and all of that. Maybe that's why it's taken him so long to do it.

Because he didn't want to have to break up with me while my mom was still in the hospital.

"Are you okay?"

I chewed on my cheek and shrugged. I wasn't okay. I just didn't know how to tell him that I needed him. That I wanted him to stay with me. That I knew all of this was too much for him to handle and I hated it, but I needed for him to please just hold on.

"I'm okay, considering everything."

He nodded slowly and took a deep breath. This was it. He was going to do it. I closed my eyes and decided that he couldn't. He was too nice and he would feel guilty.

"I've been thinking." I told him quietly.

"Sh*t, is that where the burning smell was coming from?"

I was caught off guard by his joke and snorted out a laugh before I caught myself and pressed my lips together. He smiled at me sadly and caressed my cheek. "There she is." He said warmly.

I felt my tears bubble over and I closed my eyes and let myself fall into his warmth before I did what he was eventually do.

"What have you been thinking about?"

I opened my eyes, feeling his thumb skin over my cheek.

I took a deep breath and looked down. "I think that we should break up now instead of prolonging it."

His thumb stilled on my cheek and he inhaled sharply. "What?"

I dragged my eyes up to meet his and saw things I didn't expect to see. I saw panic and pain flash through them and I took a deep breath and pressed on.

"That's why you've been quiet right? You've been trying to figure out a nice way to do it?"

"No! Not even close. I-I've been trying to figure out how to tell you that I don't expect you to come to Massachusetts with me. Not that I was breaking up with you." His eyes were wide and he shook his head.

He moved his hands to my shoulders and caressed my neck with his thumbs. "I don't want to break up, Kelly. I love you and I know things are hard, but I'm here for you."

I felt my bottom lip quiver and I took a deep breath. I really wasn't expecting that. I was expecting the complete opposite of that. I moved into his arms and let out a soft sob. He rubbed my back gently and kissed the top of my head.

"Are you sure? I don't want for you to feel obligated to be with me because of everything. I don't want you to feel trapped."

He chuckled lightly. "I'm positive. I'm not saying that I didn't think about it, but I can't stand the thought of being without you."

"But if I stay, you'll be without me anyways. It's too expensive for us to go back and forth and..."

"We'll figure it out, Kelly. I know. It's all I've been thinking about. But I want us to work. I want to be with you, even if we aren't physically together."

I sigh and feel a weight lifted of my shoulders. I snuggle into him and inhale his cinnamon scent, starting to already feel better. That is until I hear a cough from my mom's room and then hear her call for me.

I stiffen and groan. I look up into his face with an apology on my lips, but he shakes his head and nods towards the door.

"C'mon, let's go get her whatever she needs and tonight, we're going home and letting the nurses help her. No more putting extra stress in yourself while she's here and being taken care of."

I nod slowly and sigh. He's right. I need to take all the help I can get before I have to deal with her by myself twenty four seven.

Once out of the bathroom, my mom scowls at us and asks for water. I give her some water and then promptly tell her that James and I are going out for lunch. She could eat, but they have her on a strict diet, so I don't offer to bring her anything.

She watches us as we leave and once out of the room I feel like I can breathe again. James seems to feel the same way because he gives me a small smile and squeezes my hand on our way out to his car.

"Can you take me home to shower first? I have been here and I feel gross and..."

"Yeah, I can use one too."

We head home and I jump into the shower. James jumps in after me and after resolving our issues, it seems that both of us have a little something in mind. We collide in the shower our mouths crashing against each other, our tongues and lips sucking and nipping at one another.

He lifts me up against the shower wall and I wrap my legs around him, moaning as he enters me. It wasn't the longest or even best s*x we've ever had, but I felt like we both needed it after these last few days.

Afterwards, instead of going with him to get food, I take a nap in my own bed and when he gets there with the food, we lounge around for way longer than "lunch" was supposed to take. Now that I knew I only had a limited amount of time with him, I wanted to get every second I could with him.

My mom would have the rest as soon as he was gone, and I was not looking forward to that day. I think he felt the same because as he held me while we ate, every now and then he would press his lips to some part of my body and stare at me like it would be the last time.