Unapologetically Me

Chapter Thirty Four

The days slogged on slowly. After two days of staying home, I was allowed back at school but it was so hard. People looked at me and whispered about me and what happened.

My breasts leaked with milk, which surprised the sh*t out of me when I woke up one morning with sore breasts that were hard as rocks. So, I had to wear breast pads at school and had to change them out every so often because my breasts would start leaking randomly. I reeked of milk by the end of my first day back and when I got home, I had to take a long hot shower to make them decompress.

James tried his hardest to keep up with my mood swings and I honestly felt so bad for being sh*tty to him, but I couldn't help myself. I would cry randomly for no reason and most times I just wanted to sleep.

Chloe would come from time to time and try to keep me company, but it was hard listening to her talk about mindless gossip about Alicia and Dexter and how they broke up again because he was caught cheating on her with a sophomore.

Michael and Jordan popped up and they were worse than Chloe, because at least she tried to pretend like nothing was different. The guys just kept looking at me like I was some delicate little doll. Jordan would jump up and get things for me and Michael was quieter than usual and acted like I would self destruct in any second.

When they came by and started acting like that, I ended up pretending I was tired and went to my bedroom. Shortly after, James sent them home and came and sat with me. And the thing that pissed me off about that was that, that's all we did.

We didn't talk. Neither of us seemed to know what to say to each other. I knew why I was quiet. I knew that I was afraid to talk to him because I was at fault for all of it and I was afraid if we talked, he would confirm it. But he didn't say anything. It was a far cry from the way he acted after my dad's funeral or any other hard moment I had.

He was always such a safe space for me in those moments and now, after what happened with the baby, he was distant. Don't get me wrong, he did things. He did all of the things. He would make me food and get me all of my pads and would do my laundry and would hold me when I cried, but he just didn't talk.

After a week of being quiet, I finally blew up. I sat at the end of the couch while we watched a comedy that I just couldn't find funny at the moment. He had his arm wrapped around my shoulder and was staring at the TV with a blank expression and it bothered me.

I hadn't seen him cry since the day at the hospital. I hadn't seen him even bat a lash when I threw the box of little trinkets we had gathered for the baby in the closet, out of sight. He was just stoic and I hated it.

"Just say it already." I sat up and glared at him. He raised his inky black eyebrows at me and widened his eyes.

"Say what?"

"Just tell me that you blame me. Just tell me it's all my fault. Is that why you won't talk to me? Or do you not care at all? I don't know what you're thinking. I don't know anything because you've just been quiet."

He took a long deep breath and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I don't think it's your fault at all. I don't blame you for anything. And I care a lot more than you think. I just...I don't know what to say. How am I...You lost a lot more than I did. You felt her inside of you. You held her in your body. She was a part of you." He stared down at the cream carpet and shrugged.

"I'm sad. And that sounds like the worst way to describe it, because it feels like a lot more in my body, but...that's all it is. I'm upset. I'm angry. Not at you, so don't get that twisted, just at everything else."

He blew out a breath and shook his head. "I-I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say to you because I don't want to say the wrong thing. I know you're hurting and I'm just trying to help with that as much as I can."

I pressed my lips together and began feeling the tightness in my chest start unwinding. Finally.Just hearing him say anything remotely emotional felt like a relief. But...I still had to know. I knew he wasn't angry at me or blamed me, but did he still want to be with me? Was it over now that we lost our girl?

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah." He rubbed the back of his neck and looked down at his lap, waiting for me to talk again.

"Do you still want me?"

He looked up quickly and furrowed his eyebrows. "Why would you even have to ask?"

"That's not an answer. It's a yes or no."

"Yes. I wanted you even before I knew you were pregnant, Kelly. I-This doesn't change that. Its horrible, what happened, but...I love you. That never changed."

I closed my eyes trying to hold back the tears that had already piled up in the corners of my eyes and sighed in relief. "I...I thought that you wouldn't. I thought...I don't know. I'm sorry. I've been a f*cking wreck. I just want...I want her. I want to rewind everything and for it to just be back to normal."

He nodded slowly and pulled me to him, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"Me too." We embraced for a while, just letting eachother feel everything that we had gone through in the last week. I stroked his hair and kissed his neck gently. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and dug his face in my neck.

"Sh*t." I whispered.

"What?"

"I'm leaking."

"From where?"

I pulled away from him, and for the first time in a week, I laughed. It started off a small giggle at his serious face and as his cheeks began turning pink with the realization of what he said, it turned into a full belly laugh.

Which hurt a little, but it felt good. I felt a little lighter than I had before. The air was clearer and despite our loss, I knew with him by my side, it would be a little more bearable.

It was still hard going through day to day sh*t without thinking about her. To help us out, we decided to name her, so that we would stop calling her 'the baby'. We went through a lot of names. It was mentally exhausting, because none of them felt right. And I also knew that I didn't want to remember her by giving her a name I would hate later on.

I imagined her looking like James more than myself. I imagined his pale skin and his big, beautiful blue eyes and nothing from me. I just couldn't see it in my mind. And it was only during a trip to the grocery store when we were passing the little bouquets of flowers by the front of the store that I saw a flower that caught my eye.

It was a beautiful swan white color with a tinge of pink on the outer parts of the petals. The petals were long and dropped down, showing a beautiful inside. I picked up the bouquet of lilies and showed James. He looked at the flowers and smiled.

"They're beautiful." He commented. I nodded slowly and it hit me then that she should be named after something like that. Something simple and beautiful and full of color and life.

"Lily."

His eyes softened when he realized what I was referring to and he nodded. "Yeah. I like it." He put the bouquet of lilies in the cart and we found a pretty vase to put them in. When we got home, we put water in the vase and put the flowers in it. We set the arrangement on the kitchen table and it felt good. It felt right.

Valentine's day came after and while I was still not one hundred percent, we celebrated the holiday. James took me out on the strip and we watched Cirque du Soliel. We then went back to our roots and grabbed some greasy burgers and fries and he drove us to the outskirts of the city in the desert and we sat on the hood of his car and ate our food and talked. It was surface level stuff. School and things him and Michael had done as kids and stuff like that, but it was nice.

It was also my very first date, which was kind of special. I didn't tell him. I felt kind of like a loser to let him know that I had never actually been on a date date before now.

Sure, I would go out and eat with guys, but it was never like this. It was never a planned out thing where I was being woo'ed or anything like that. It was a great distraction for a little while and I found myself enjoying being with James like this.

Both of us acted like things were normal. Like we were just two teenagers, stupid and in love and not carrying the weight of so many burdens on our shoulders.

When we were done eating, we laid on the hood of his car and stared up at the sky. It was night, so it was about chilly, but it wasn't anything we couldn't handle. It had been almost a month since we lost her and while I wasn't in the best headspace yet, I was okay. But laying here with him, staring up at the sky after our date made me feel normal.

"Have you put any thought on moving with me to Massachusetts?"

"You still want me to come?"

He snorted and nodded. "Yeah. Why wouldn't I?"

I pressed my lips together and shrugged. "I thought it was just so that you wouldn't be too far away from Lily."

"That was part of it. The other part was not wanting to be apart from you." I snuggled closer to him and shrugged.

"I haven't thought of it since it all happened if you want me to be honest."

He stayed silent for a while and then sighed. "I-Do you want to try for another one?"

I felt shock through my whole body and I looked up at his face quickly just to make sure he was wasn't kidding around. He looked down at me with a serious expression and I felt flabbergasted.

I didn't know what to say. Getting pregnant had been an accident. After knowing we were going to keep her, I was okay with it, but now, not so much.

"I...no. I don't think so. It's way too soon to even think about that, don't you think?"

He stayed quiet and I wondered if I had hurt his feelings. "Yeah." He said after a while. "You're right."

"Do you?"

"With you, yeah."

I bit my lip and and shook my head. "We should focus on school and everything else. Maybe after that, we can think about it. Besides, we're still young. We have plenty of time to plan that type of future."

He squeezed my arm and nodded, tucking my head under his chin. "I just want you to be happy. If that makes you happy, I'm all for it. I know it hurt to lose her, but if you wanted another one, I wouldn't mind. I'm yours, Kelly. I love you."

I smiled sadly against his chest and nodded. "Thank you. I love you too."