Unapologetically Me

Chapter Seven

We sat quietly in James' car as he pulled out of the parking lot at the funeral home. Somehow he had snagged a better parking spot than I had. I was just glad that I didn't have to walk far out in my heels. The heel wasn't very tall but my feet were killing me nonetheless.

The music from his car stereo was blasting on some rock station and he turned it down quickly, apologizing as he pulled out onto the road.

"It's okay, I don't mind."

"It's alright, it was too loud to begin with. Michael f*cks with my sh*t all of the time."

"Where is Michael, anyways? I thought he came here with you."

"We both left to grab some lunch and he decided to go home afterwards. I came back because if I went home, my mom would probably be pissed."

"Damn. I'm sorry. You didn't have to come back. You could have driven around a little bit until school let out."

"Yeah, well I really came in the first place because I noticed Chloe was at school. I know you and her are practically attached at the hip, so I knew you probably didn't have anyone here. I mean, other than family, so I wanted to...I don't know. Show up I guess."

I stared at the side profile of his face and felt my heart melt a little bit. He had come just to make me feel better. Even if we barely knew each other.

"You didn't have to. I would have been okay."

"I know. But I was there that night and I just kind of felt like I had to see it through to the end."

"You don't have to. I'm not...You don't owe me anything because of what happened before that." I felt my cheeks burn at mentioning it, but he had to know that I wasn't going to hold him to anything just because he had s*x with me.

I watched as the apples of his cheeks turned pink and felt satisfied knowing that he at least felt something about it too.

"I don't feel like I owe you anything, I just...I don't know. I guess...how do I put this without sounding bad? Um..."

He rubbed his hand over his forehead and shrugged. " It was a way to see you again?" He cringed a little and turned to see my reaction. The butterflies in my stomach erupted again and I smiled.

"You could have just texted me. I've been looking for excuses to leave my house. It's infested with children five and under right now." I shuddered dramatically and he laughed.

"Well my place is always infested with Starrs. Everyone knows that there's a Starr in every grade level."

"Damn...I can't imagine having that much people around all of the time. My parents had issues conceiving, so I'm an only child. They also had me a little later in life, so...no siblings for me."

"It's not so bad. It was when I was younger, but now that I can leave if I get overwhelmed or can lock my door, it's better." He shrugged and I realized we were close to my home. Being here with him felt like finding an abundant island after being lost at sea. I didn't want to leave him just yet.

"Can we maybe ride around for a little bit? I don't want to go home yet. If that's okay with you? Or if you have plans, you can drop me off at the park?"

"No, no plans. We can ride around."

We stayed quiet for a little bit as he looped around. I sighed in relief as we passed my house. I knew I should check on my mom, but I just didn't want to be there. Ever since dad died, the house felt empty. I hadn't realized how much of a sunlight he was to our family.

I glanced at James and watched his face. He wasn't the most handsome guy around, but there was something about him that made me want to be around him. He filled me with the sunlight I've been missing at home. And I didn't even reay know the guy. I wanted to get to know him, but I felt like we had sort of an awkwardness because of the s*x, so maybe if we talked about it, we could get past it.

"Can we talk about the other night?" He chewed on his lip for a second then nodded slowly, glancing at me. His electric blue eyes held mine for a second and I felt the damn butterflies again.

"I didn't go to your house with the intention of sleeping with you or Michael. I just want to put that out there."

"Yeah, I didn't think so. It wasn't like I planned it either. I mean, obviously, I didn't think someone like you ever would have s*x with someone like me."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Someone like me? What does that mean?"

"C'mon, Kelly. You know. You're popular and f*cking gorgeous. You're way out of my league. If I were to tell anyone what happened between us they would laugh in my face and tell me that I was dreaming."

I didn't like the assessment. Alicia was the 'it' girl from school with her giant, fake breasts and platinum blonde hair. If anything I was just an underling, doing what I could to survive highschool and still be in Dexter's circle of friends. Did I want that now? A twinge in my chest told me that I didn't and I wasn't sure if it had to do with Dexter himself or with what James just said.

"We'll circle back to that because I feel like your assessment of me is wrong, but why wouldn't I have s*x with you? You you're funny and sweet and smart."

"You forgot dorky, dweeby and freakishly tall."

I gave him a look and he grinned, a blush apparent on his face again. "Well that too, but those seem like assets to me. It makes you more desirable."

He shook his head slowly and smiled. "Well, thank you. I'll make sure to put that on my resume. 'Kelly likes that I'm freakishly tall.'" I smiled and shrugged.

"I'm sure that there are things on me that are lacking. Like I'm practically flat chested. And I'm so short that I could get a kid's discount at restaurants. And sometimes my feet stink."

He grinned and glanced at me again. "Well I find two of those things very appealing. You don't have to have a giant chest to be f*cking gorgeous and a discount at a restaurant is a complete win. Now, stinky feet might be a deal breaker."

I giggled and sighed. This felt so good. I felt normal with him. And talking about all of this stuff made everything less awkward. I also couldn't help noting that he didn't mind my lack of chest.

"Something I kind of wanted to talk about was..." I swallowed because I wasn't sure what he would think about me being a virgin before. "My uh...virginity."

His face turned serious and he glanced at me then nodded slowly. "Yeah, about that, I'm so sorry. I had assumed that you had already, you know, and I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Yeah, I didn't think to tell you because I didn't think that we would be having s*x. I'm sorry if that was something that turned you off or if you didn't like it." I felt nervous. It was stupid, because it had already happened, but I needed to know if he was upset about it.

"No! I was just surprised. If I had known, I probably wouldn't have had s*x with you, no offense, but only because I would think that you'd want it to be more special than, you know, me."

I knew where he was coming from. I probably would have done the same thing. Except...was he a virgin that night too? Sh*t, I didn't even know.

"It was special. I'm glad it was you, but...what about you? You've had s*x before, right?"

His cheeks were pink and he nodded slowly. "Yeah, once before."

"Braces?"

He laughed and shook his head. "No, but it was a girl from that same camp. It was...kind of weird, if you want me to be honest. Neither of us knew what we were doing, but we just wanted to get it over with, so yeah."

"I'm sorry if I sucked. I have never really done anything like that."

"That's why I was shocked. I figured you and Dexter...Well you know. I didn't expect it. But you were great. No complaints from me."

I blushed and frowned. I hated that he assumed I had been with Dexter. Selfish bastard.

"Dexter only took what I would let him. I-I don't think I ever wanted to lose my virginity to him, but I did think it would happen. He's just...selfish. He never reciprocated, if you know what I mean."

"Well, from the way he talked about you, he made it seem like you weren't a virgin."

"Yeah well he's all talk." I shrugged and felt my blood boil. I knew he was spreading rumors about me. It just pissed me off that even James would believe him.

"Yeah, I see that now. Can I ask you a question?"

"Yes. " I glanced at him curiously.

"Why me? I mean, you could have stopped me, and I would have stopped, but you didn't."

"I don't know." I told him honestly. I bit my lip and looked down at his hand resting on the shifter of his car. I reached down and took it into my hand. His fingers were long and thin and his hand was warm. I held it in both of my hands on my lap and watched his face.

"I think that I felt safe with you. I think that I still do and I like being around you. It's been hard, these last few days, but right now, with you I feel like I can breathe for once." I cringed at how corny I sounded and shrugged my shoulders. He probably thought I was a nutcase for saying all of this sh*t.

Or some clingy, desperate girl. God, that would be worse.

"I feel the same way. I was kind of nervous about what you would think of me for showing up today. I didn't want you to think that I was some weirdo stalker, just because we had s*x, you know? "

"Yeah. But I didn't. I was glad, am glad, to see you. As long as you don't think I'm being some weird, clingy, freak."

He chuckled and squeezed my hand in his. "Nope. Just the opposite. Are you hungry? I'm starving."

He pulled into a burger drive thru and glanced at me. I dug through my clutch and pulled out my debit card and handed it to him.

"Just fries. It's probably all I can stomach right now. And get whatever you want. I'm paying today since you paid for coffee the other night and you're wasting your gas on me."

"Fine. I'll take it only because I know you won't take no for an answer."

"Aw...you're such a quick learner." I leaned down and unclasped the straps of my heals and kicked them off. He ordered our food and then he drove us to the park near my house. My phone began buzzing every few minutes and I knew that it was either my uncle or Justin calling to see where I was. I turned my phone off and took my fries from the greasy brown bag.

I unbuckled my seat belt and turned my body to face him, leaning against the passenger door and tucking a leg underneath me.

"Dexter came over the next day after my dad died and saw the hickey you left."

James, mid-chew, raised his eyebrows and shrugged his shoulders. "What did he say."

"He was mad. Asked me who gave it to me and got even madder because I was wearing your sweater."

"Why was he pissed? Isn't he with Alicia?"

"He broke up with her, according to him, to be with me."

James scowled and he took a sip of his drink. I hadn't gotten one, so I took it from his hand before he put it back in the cup holder and took a drink after him.

"And then what happened?"

"Chloe told him about my dad and he kind of backed off, but he's been blowing up my phone ever since, wanting to know who I've been seeing."

"Are you going to tell him?"

I studied his face. I wasn't sure if he wanted me to or not? I couldn't tell. His face was impassive as he took a bite of his burger.

"I don't want him to try to do anything to you if I do."

"You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. I won't be offended."

I hated that he thought that I wouldn't own up to what I had done with him. Like I was ashamed of sleeping with him.

"I told Chloe. I just don't want to tell Dexter because I'm worried about what he will try to do with you."

"I don't care, honestly. We're friends, right? It's not like we have a relationship or anything. And it's not like you're in the right mind for one either. I can defend myself if you want to tell him anything, but like I said, I won't be offended if you don't."

I frowned. I knew we weren't in a relationship, but it kind of stung coming from him. He was right though. Even if I wanted a relationship, I wouldn't be in the right mind for one. Not with Dexter and not with him.

"Have you told Michael?"

"No. He has a big mouth."

I narrowed my eyes at him. From what I've heard, he wasn't afraid of giving Michael all of the gory details about his little escapades, so why wouldn't he tell him about me?

"Are you ashamed of sleeping with me? I mean, I know that there are rumors about me being easy, but...well you know. But is that why you haven't told him?"

"No!" His eyes widened and he leaned forward and placed his hand on mine." God no! Not at all! F*ck, Kelly, I've already to old you, no one would believe it because you're you! But that's not why I haven't told Michael." He swallowed and sighed.

"Michael has a giant crush on you. He has for like, ever, and if I told him that I slept with you, he'd be pissed off at me. I am not ashamed at all. It's all I can f*cking think about."

I was flabbergasted. It wasn't what I was expecting. For some reason I felt turned on at his confession and blushed. What the f*ck was wrong with me?

I looked back up at him and he looked worried. "Does it make me a horrible person if I told you that I do too?" I felt my eyes sting and I looked back down at my hands. Guilt ate at me but it was the honest truth. When I wasn't dealing with the funeral stuff, I was thinking of James and how everything felt and then I would start crying because I felt like I was a horrendous human being for thinking about s*x when my dad had just died.

"I thought the same thing about me. I didn't want to bring it up to you because I thought that it would be in bad taste, since your dad passed right after."

"I just feel guilty because I can't stop. I'm so mad at myself because I think I'm okay and then I see something on TV or hear someone say something and it reminds me of you and the s*x and I feel like a piece of sh*t because I shouldn't be. I feel like some sort of pervert because you're all I can think about when I'm not doing funeral stuff."

He pressed his lips together to keep from smiling and shrugged. "I don't think you're a pervert. Either that or we're both perverts. But...I don't think you should feel guilty. It would have happened whether we had s*x or not, so I think it's okay."

I nodded slowly and smiled. I reached out and caressed his face. Touching him made my heart sing and I instantly felt better. I looked down at his lips and he seemed to have noticed.

"But, I do think that we should just keep this, between us, as friends. I don't want to feel like I'm taking advantage of you being all emotional." I sighed and nodded. I dropped my hand and gave him a small smile.

"So, friends?"

I held my hand out for him to shake and he nodded and shook my hand, enveloping my whole hand in his.

"Friends."