All is Fair in Love & Divorce #thedivorcedlife

     “Of course I will” I squealed in response, when Alex proposed to me at the same restaurant he took me to on our first date. I remembered thinking that I wasn’t sure if I was making the right decision in saying yes but if I was going to say yes, I was going to do it with enthusiasm. Fast forward fourteen years and we were sitting in the attorney’s office of Fraser & Fraser, a local law firm in a suburb of Cincinnati Ohio.     “You won’t have many issues until one of you decides to introduce someone else into the lives of the children,” Our attorney, Ryan Fraser was saying as I half listened and went from staring blankly out the window to glancing over at Alex.      He hadn’t changed much in fourteen years.  His blond hair wasn’t graying at least not noticeably and was naturally highlighted by the sun. The lines around his eyes were more prominent because of his tan face. He spends a lot of time outside without sunglasses. I hadn’t noticed the gray in his facial hair until this moment.   I touched my own hair as I thought about when I would start to gray. My long dark hair wouldn’t be as forgiving. Maybe I should start lightening it before I started seeing the gray, I thought as my mind wandered from one thing to the next. I couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking.  He caught me staring at him and held my eyes for a moment. It was then that I realized Jacob’s eyes were looking more and more like his dads every day. I looked away not wanting to get too sentimental.     Forcing myself to stay focused on the moment, I replayed what the attorney had just said.  I really thought our attorney was wrong.  She didn’t know us.  We were both rational and logical people.  Jacob was nine and Hanna was going to be eight in a few  months and I would make sure that their lives would have minimal interruption. That was our number one priority.  They didn’t ask for this divorce.  We were going to be the grown-ups and not make them choose sides or put them through hell because we couldn’t manage this process well. I knew for sure that I would act appropriately and Alex would never do anything to intentionally cause strife in my life or in the lives of Jacob or Hanna. It wasn’t his nature.      The attorney’s years of experience and her desire to share her wisdom based on the sum of all of her cases should have been my first clue that she was spot on.      One month later we drove to the courthouse in the same car. We stood in front of the judge and answered the     standard questions that are asked in order to have the judge sign off that our dissolution of marriage was final.  Neither of us were paying spousal support and we had paid off our debt. I refinanced the house we bought five years earlier in my name only and I would continue to live there.  We had joint custody in that we both had to agree on the big things in life for the kids.  Where they went to school, medical decisions, etc.  We also had to agree on a parenting time schedule for the school year, summer vacation, holidays and birthdays. When we got married I kept Scott and added Davis so I was still known to most everyone as Jenna Scott.  The only people that called me Ms. Davis were the kid’s teachers and their friends so I decided to drop Davis on all my legal docs as well.  We had worked through everything pretty well. So today was just a formality.  It was hard to believe that it was done.  It wasn’t like the movies. I left feeling somber and I think Alex felt the same way.  We had already told the kids that we were divorced.  We did that six months earlier as if it was final.  At nine and seven years old, we figured it best to handle it this way so they didn’t  have false hope about us getting back together.  They were adjusting to their new life with minimal issues up to now and I attribute that to the phenomenal way Alex and I were handling everything.  If I do say so myself.     “Well, that’s it Jenna” Alex said as he dropped me off in my driveway.      “What now?” I said feeling a little sad but also relieved that it was done.      “I’m not sure, I guess we keep doing what we’ve been doing and take it day by day,” Alex echoed with a tone similar to what I was feeling. I shrugged my shoulders and nodded as I closed the door and walked up the front walk.   Who would have known that what I thought would be a civil split would end up being what I now refer to as “Divorce Disorder?” I define Divorce Disorder as the legal dissolution of a marriage that causes a disruption of normal physical or mental functions by either party or other individuals involved in the marriage or the dissolution of the marriage including but not limited to, children, siblings, parents, other relatives or close friends.                                                                     Six Months Post Divorce     I was terrified.  “I didn’t want to call the police in case it turned out to be nothing but I also didn’t want my children to grow up without a mother.” I ran from door to door to check the locks and dialed 911 because the car parked out front of my house started out with two scary men and now there was only one. Where did the other one go?     “Should I turn the lights on or keep them off?” I was asking the person on the other end of the phone. I felt like I was in a scary movie from the 80’s. I couldn’t help but feel even more panicked thinking that there could be someone in the house.  That was a fear of mine as a kid and right this moment, it was as real as it was back then.      “On or off?  I asked for the third time when I didn’t get an answer. The nice woman started out helping me and now she was laughing in a creepy earie manner that caused chills to run through my body.  I heard a gunshot and fell to the floor.     I opened my eyes and realized that it was no longer dark. Night turned to day.  I was laying on my living room floor in front of the couch face down.  It took me a minute to get my bearings but it seemed that I had just had a bad dream and I had fallen off the couch.  Kristy walked in and saw me getting up from the floor.      “Did you lose something Jen?”      “Why do you ask?” I said as I was now standing still feeling frightened but not sure why since it was just a bad dream.       “Umm, it isn’t every day that I come over and you’re face planted on the floor in front of your couch. I figure you were either doing pushups or you were looking for something that fell under the couch. Knowing how you only exercise when I make you go with me; I figure it’s definitely the latter.”     I shook my head. “No, I think I fell off the couch,” I said still in a fog.  “I had a crazy scary dream and then heard a bang, I think I thought I was shot and, then well, here we are,”  I was explaining as I was trying to decide if I hurt myself in the fall. If I didn’t feel it now, I would most certainly feel some pain in the morning.     Kristy laughed out loud as she told me that she slammed the door pretty hard with her foot since her hands were full and she had to let herself in since I failed to answer the door.  That must be what I heard in my dream I thought to myself. “I texted you to let you know I was here but you didn’t respond and apparently it was because you were busy doing pushups in your sleep,” She turned to me and grinned.     I followed Kristy into the kitchen feeling relieved that I wasn’t home alone. It was the second Thursday of the month and that meant the kids were picked up from school by their dad and he would return them to school on Monday morning.  I for the most part really enjoyed my four nights free, but sometimes it was a little lonely.     I still felt shaken by the dream.  “I must have fallen asleep on the couch. My dream seemed so real. In the dream I think I was being followed. Maybe stalked. I feel like I was being threatened,”       “Well it was only a dream and dreams aren’t real.  Help me with the drinks so we can eat while the food is still hot.”      “Zoosk, Elite Singles, Bumble, Match, our time, Love Again, and eHarmony” I said to Kristy when she asked me what dating aps I was looking at. We were sitting on my couch drinking margherita’s and eating Mexican take out.  Kristy and my sisters had convinced me that I needed to start dating again. Samantha, my youngest sister who was up on all of the dating sites emailed me the list last night. “So, I created the perfect bio at work today. I think you’re really going to like it. It goes something like this; Hi my name is Jenna. I am a thirty-seven-year-old 5’7” one hundred-forty something pound, slightly out of shape, cellulite carrier, thunder thighed, always exhausted mother of two with long brown hair and blue eyes. My dream guy; must be between 35 and 45, be at least six feet tall, have dark hair and piercing blue eyes. He must enjoy working out and continue to do so at least five times a week for the rest of his life. He shouldn’t expect me to do the same and still love me unconditionally as I get older and more out of shape. He must be a hard worker and make six figures. He needs to cook, clean and do laundry. He should also be a great dancer and smell really good at all times.”        “Well, what do you think Kristy?” I asked as she stared at me not sure whether to laugh or cry. “I like it.  Well done. Let’s get it posted. Let’s also find the most unflattering pictures you have of yourself and you will have guys lined up to go out with you.” Kristy commented as she shook her head.  “My best friend is a nut job.” She added.       In all seriousness, I was a little apprehensive about how the whole dating scene worked.  It had been a while.  A long while. I hadn’t been on a date in over fifteen years. I wasn’t oblivious to what was out there.  I have single friends that have used these aps and some acquaintances that used other aps that seem to be for hooking up; Swipe left or swipe right or something like that. I had two kids and although I wasn’t looking to get remarried anytime soon. I was also not looking for one-night stands.  Then there was the thought of a no strings, tall dark and handsome date. Which was also very appealing at the moment.  And then reality sets back in and although that looks great on tv shows and in the movies, fact is, that is just not me. I won’t be auditioning for the lead in the divorced version of the bachelorette any time soon.       A couple of margaritas’ later, Kristy decided she needed to help me create an account.  Her reasoning; so that we could search for men and decide if I would proceed. Kristy is married to a great guy named Kevin and they don’t have any kids together.  Kevin has a son from a previous marriage.  Kristy is Hannah’s God Mother and adores my children.  She just isn’t ready to birth any of her own yet. She may never be.  She is a year younger than me and pretty content with her life.  Her and Kevin met six years ago. They have been happily married for four years. She resides in the trim fit body that I want to live in but the difference is, I am not willing to do the work that she does to obtain it.  I like to eat the chocolate chip cookies that are left over after the kids go to bed and then again in the morning after I pack the lunches. My meals consist of far more carbs than vegies even though I am a stickler about my children eating them. My workouts are not consistent and although I have good intentions, I make it to the gym every other weekend totaling about four times a month.  That doesn’t make for a rock-hard tone swimsuit body.  In my dreams yes, in reality, not a chance.     After creating my profile that Kristy helped me write without any mention of my original ideas and posting a pic from last summer that looked somewhat like me when I was tan, eight pounds lighter and had perfect lighting, #perfectfilter, I was up and running.  My dark hair and blue eyes are pretty average but I was considered a catch back in my college years. I had my share of dates and I dated one guy that everyone wanted to date. We broke up but we did date. I am a size six or eight depending on the week and the store. I like the stores that I fit into size six clothing so they get more of my business.  Great marketing scam. I was told I had child bearing hips in high school and asked if I got a boob job between the summer of my sophomore and junior year by Todd, a good friend of mine at the time so needless to say I have curves and depending on the clothes I am wearing tend to get noticed.  My weight fluctuates drastically depending on how many chocolate chip cookies I eat in a week.  I can still drop five pounds if I don’t eat for a week which of course isn’t healthy and Kristy, my friend the health nut and workout queen tells me this all the time but it works for now and I plan to do that before I go on any date.       My sisters and Kristy don’t know the real reason, I agreed to do this.  It’s actually supposed to help motivate me to go to the gym more and eat better.  I mean after all; I may have to show some skin this summer in front of my new found love interest that I meet on this site. What better motivation is there? I have an average face, nothing spectacular. But overall I am attractive, I have a good personality and am fairly easy to get along with.  At least that is what my friends tell me. I guess unless you were married to me.  My ex might argue that I am not so easy to get along with.     Kristy and I spent a couple of hours scrolling through bios and pics and laughing and wondering if some of the profiles were made up.  We decided, rather Kristy decided there was only one way to find out.  Pick someone and engage in dialogue.  Maybe set up a time to meet for coffee or a drink and see what happens.      “How about this guy, Steve Collins?” Kristy asked as she pointed to the screen. “I like him,” I replied slowly as I was analyzing his bio and the pictures that were posted. Within a few minutes, he responded and we connected.  I am not sure if it’s a good thing that he responded so quickly; I was thinking as I answered his first question.     We chatted back and forth for about fifteen minutes.  I decided that continuing the conversation would make me look desperate so I said I had to get going.  He asked for my number and I debated.  How do I decide whether or not to give out my number was the thought going through my brain?  Kristy responded before I had a chance to.       Meet me at Nicholson’s on Walnut Street downtown tomorrow at 5:00.  My friends will be at another table just in case you’re a serial killer.  She hit send before I could stop her.       “Kristy, what did you just do?” I said in shock as I closed my computer and stood up. “You can thank me later,” She said as she got up to get her things to head out. “Thank you?” I asked in a sharp tone.       “Yes, you don’t have any plans, Kevin and I will be at a table nearby if you need rescuing and this way, you won’t have wasted your time texting for the next few weeks if he isn’t who he claims to be. It’s the most efficient option. And I know how you are when it comes to being efficient”. She hugged be briefly and headed towards the front door.       Shaking my head, I walked back into my living room, shut down my computer and headed upstairs to bed.  I couldn’t help but wonder if Steve was going to measure up to his profile. Then the thought entered my head, “what if I don’t measure up to my profile?” I was planning on having at least a week.  I couldn’t lose five to 10 pounds and get tan before tomorrow at 5:00.  This new world of dating was far more challenging than dating when I was in college.  You met someone at a party or in class, you talked for a little bit, you exchanged numbers, you talked on the phone and then met up.  You already knew what each other look like. I’m not sure if I like this. I guess it partly depends on how tomorrow night goes. I have heard horror stories.     As I laid in bed, I started feeling a little anxious.  That happens to me at times.  Sometimes I can pinpoint the reasons and sometimes I can’t. Tonight I wasn’t sure if it had to do with my new dating venture, my disturbing dream, the kids or something different all together.  I couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling.  I texted Alex to check on the kids.  It was still before 11:00 so I figured it was ok.  We tried to be respectful of each other’s boundaries.  He responded back quickly letting me know they were sleeping and were fine.  It helped a little but as I started falling asleep, I still felt like something was wrong. The dream was still so real and raw. That had to be it. I decided to turn the tv on and watch something light hearted to take my mind off of things.  Friends was usually my go to show. I watched briefly as Monica and Chandler hooked up at Ross’s wedding in England. That did the trick.      It was a Friday morning without kids so my alarm went off at 7:00. Since Alex picks the kids up from school every other Thursday and takes them back to school the following Monday, I get to sleep in.  I have to admit the one up side to divorce is that I have every other weekend to myself.  As I hit snooze, I remembered that I was going to meet Steve right after work.  I actually have to think about what I am going to wear today.  I jumped up and went to my closet.  “I should have figured this out last night”, I mumbled under my breath as I was rummaged through my clothes.  After trying on several things including a couple of skirts, I finally settled on casual chic. Not sure what that means exactly but I think it looked good.  I texted Kristy a pic of me in my final selection and she approved.  I was running late so I skipped breakfast which may get me closer to the eight-pound drop and headed out hoping traffic would be light.       As I entered 75 to head downtown, I was in luck.  Smooth sailing, the whole way.  “That never happens,” I said out loud to no one as I pulled into a parking spot that was pretty close to the entrance of my building. I worked in downtown Cincinnati. I was an executive assistant for the CEO of a large chain of corporate and franchise owned restaurants based in Cincinnati. I really enjoyed my job. My boss is great. He travels a lot which means I have flexibility in my schedule.  As long as I keep him organized and he looks good, I am good to go. He is out of town this weekend at a conference in Arizona. I already put in really long days to get things taken care of for this trip so today was going to be easy. I have never liked working Fridays. I mean I show up but my goal is always to have very little to do unless we have a big event going on. I get everything done even if it means working longer hours Monday through Thursday.       Today was a good day to have little to do.  I was way overthinking my five o’clock date with Steve. He probably won’t even show up.  I was lost in thought about the different outcomes of this evening’s meet up when Cheryl showed up at my desk with flowers.     “These are for you” she said as she set the flowers down on the corner of my desk.  They were pink roses.  The arrangement was quite large and beautiful.  The bewildered look on my face prompted her next statement.      “There is a card. That may solve the mystery,”      “Thanks Cheryl” I replied as she was already walking in the other direction. As I pulled the card from the flowers, I wondered who they could be from.  I hadn’t received flowers in years.  I think it was my thirtieth birthday to be exact.  Alex sent them to me here at work.  They were very nice but nothing like this. I immediately thought about my date that night but obviously they were not from Steve as he didn’t have any details about where I work.  As I pulled the card from its envelope, an eerie feeling came over me.  The card read “Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you,” I flipped it over looking for the name of the sender and there wasn’t one.  The card was unsigned.  This was extremely puzzling. I couldn’t even begin to think of anyone that I knew that would send me flowers.  There were a couple of guys at the office that were a little flirtatious now that it was out that I was divorced.  But I really couldn’t see either of them sending flowers.  I was racking by brain and Cheryl walked back over.      “Well?” she asked. “The card is unsigned” I said as I handed her the card.  Cheryl and I had worked together for years.  She was the admin to the operations team on the same floor.  Her desk was in the lobby, so she was the receiver of mail and packages. She was a few years younger than me and also recently divorced.  We used to joke that it must be in the water.       “Are you sure they are for me?” I asked. “The delivery guy said, “I have flowers for Jenna Scott, sign here please”. You are the only Jenna Scott that works here,”      “Hmm, I am so confused,” I said with an eyebrow raised.     “Do you have any secret admirers? Have you been dating and not telling me?” She asked with a grin on her face.     “I do not and have not. I did join a dating site last night and I’m supposed to be meeting a guy at Nicholson’s at 5:00 but he wouldn’t know where I work,”      Cheryl sat down across the desk from me and with an inquisitive expression on her face crossing her leg as she stated in a “Sherlock Holmes” sort of manner “So let me see if I understand this, you joined a dating site last night and scheduled a meet up and then today you get flowers from someone who didn’t sign the card?  This can’t be a coincidence,”      Nodding my head, I had to agree with her.  As she went back to her desk, I thought about anyone that might have sent me flowers.  As I was going through a mental list, my phone buzzed.  It was Kristy texting me to let me know her and Kevin would be at the pub by 5:00 and she wanted to know if I was excited about my date.  I’m not sure “excited” is the right word.  Based on today’s happenings, apprehensive was more like it. The flowers were not a super big deal.  It’s the feeling that I can’t shake that is putting me on edge.