Her hidden diary

My name is Ayelani and I’m on a personal journey, not to find myself the way others usually seek out to do but instead to figure out how to be ME in a damaged world like this. I know who I am and dealing with grief for the past 4 years has taught me a thing or two about love, life, patience and passion. I view the world so differently and I mean I always have but grief definitely breaks something inside of us humans that’s impossible to mend. As we speak, I’m thinking of which topic to touch on first because my mind is like the brightline speed train.. clear the tracks or you’ll get rant over! I’m a Caribbean girl living in an “American” world. As I was driving home this afternoon, I saw ICE officers in the middle of the street apprehending some gentlemen. Almost everyday on the news it’s some crazy crime against a child. Those that should be behind bars or in the ground aren’t and some who don’t deserve to be… are no longer with us. At first glance, some of the things you read might seem so random but the more you read.. the more you’ll understand how almost everything goes hand in hand. What a world we live in, when men want to be treated like a “princess” so bad and more and more woman are forced to step up and the assume the role of both mom and dad, provider and protector, nurturer and disciplinarian. Say what you want but behind that green screen, WOman keep this world spinning round and round as smoothly as it does. Motherhood- hardship , eternal love Adulthood - responsibilities, priorities Being a follower is easy, you just blindly take one step behind the other. However, being a leader takes strength, discipline, perseverance, courage, grounding, healing, peace, grace. And to extend those things to others, that’s what truly defines your character. I don’t like to talk about it too much because I feel like it goes without saying for those that truly understand but I’ll try regardless. Sometimes even if you give respect, you won’t get it in return. Sometimes even if you vow loyalty and they say “me too”, the words are just hallow shells of the truth. In this life you’ll meet dishonorable people, people that will map out betrayal and make you collateral damage. You will question life, you’ll question god, family, friends, even yourself but you shouldn’t. A betrayal thrust upon you will never be a reflection of you and always of them. You didn’t choose wrong, they deceived you. But now that the rose colored lenses are off, you can see everything and everybody for exactly what they are and nothing less. Don’t misunderstand me, being self awareness will only mark that heartbreak like a bookmark holding your page. But.. you can learn yourself and from there heal yourself as well. At first I didn’t understand the whole “you have to love yourself first” bullshit but I think I do now. It’s about standing still right in the present and being true to your truth. I don’t know about setting you free but it’ll set something in motion, that’s for sure. It doesn’t get “easier”, truth is that you get stronger, you become capable of the things you’d never thought you could or would do. Soulmates - intertwined souls, past loves Bestfriend - twin flame, one in the same ? Pick a poison or vice, because even if it’s not nice I won’t judge.. instead I might tell you about mine or his.