On The Distance

In the Rainy Night It was impossible to work with him during the first week—he constantly stuttered on camera, forgot his lines, and overacted. Everyone around him sighed, but there was nothing they could do to help. He quietly snapped back at every comment and, immediately after the command “Cut!”, retreated to his trailer. I felt sorry for the guy, but I had my own worries and didn’t want to get involved in his. Everyone said we had chemistry, but I didn’t notice it at all. We were almost the same age, yet because of my status and his behavior, it seemed as though I was much older. It was a rainy night, and I didn’t immediately notice the knock. A tall, slender guy stood on the doorstep with a bottle of brandy in his hand—tipsy but not drunk. His eyes looked sad under his wet bangs. He plopped down on the sofa and started talking, while I stood at the door holding a full glass. I listened, becoming more and more uneasy with every passing minute, even though he wasn’t saying anything terrible. A difficult childhood, a father who had forbidden him to even think about becoming an actor. Half an hour later, I felt as if I were sitting there hugging a completely different person. He had opened up to me in a new way—I saw a grown man who was desperately struggling with his problems, while everyone around him saw only a sweet boy. From that day on, I began to help him, looking him straight in the eye even when it wasn’t necessary, and trying to instill confidence in him. It helped. He looked at me with growing gratitude. The problems didn’t disappear completely, but he became more and more integrated into the team, and people started to accept him. I didn’t even notice how attached I had become to him, how close we had grown, or how much he needed me. Sometimes I caught his gaze. He looked at me as if I were a goddess. October 2023 We (Shouldn’t Have) Danced Last Night I didn’t want to dance. He literally dragged me into the middle of the crowded room and, smiling, led me into a slow dance. I timidly hugged his strong shoulders and looked into his blue eyes. He was still smiling at me like an i***t. The next day, I woke up alone after a hot night in one of the staff rooms—which is why I went looking for him, and… all I could remember was that damn dance. 05. 02. 2021 Our Warm April Interlude “You’ll get used to me, i***t!” I said with a laugh, having just kissed him just above his lips. He smiled but said nothing, even though he was usually impossible to shut up. That delighted me—maybe for once he would actually listen to what I had to chatter about. It was good with him, but I wanted to keep myself in check. Who was really getting used to whom? Filming was coming to an end, and soon we would scatter to different corners of the world. I was afraid for him. It was unclear how he would continue to cope with panic attacks on camera, but for some reason I really hoped he would overcome them and find comfort in someone else. I hoped… and worried? But these worries drifted past like white clouds in the sky as we sat on the huge bed and enjoyed the warm April evening. 06. 04. 2021 Tell Me I’m Lying I got a call offering me the chance to perform a song at one of the concerts in the capital. Even though I had been expecting the invitation, I started to get nervous. And then everything spun out of control! Rehearsals, fittings—even though I was still on set and managing to film. I barely had enough energy and time for my new man. He supported me like no one else, and… I would have melted from such attention if… But… gradually, I realized more and more that I had no deep feelings for him. I just tried not to notice, to bury that emptiness inside myself. After all, everything was fine on the surface. The excitement was growing; only a few days remained before the performance, and I felt increasingly that I was missing something… And what I was missing were my own damn feelings—to push away this excitement, all these fears living inside me, the emotions I needed to give energy to the audience. It took me a while, but I finally realized who my pathetic heart was truly drawn to. Without this person, it had somehow held out for six months, although I had thought I would never remember my miserable ex again. Breathing deeply, I prayed that it was all just a delusion… October 2023 Hideaway The wind blowing across the open space nearly knocked me off my feet, so I bent over and ran to the stairs, where it was just as uncomfortable but at least I could stand. I stood there, smoked another cigarette, and let myself think about him for a little while. I returned to two weeks ago, even if only for a few minutes. Back then, we had stayed up together all night, not wanting to fall asleep, risking oversleeping at the start of filming every time. I had left only four days ago, and already I wanted to go back to him. Because despite all the restless thoughts about the man who was no longer in my life, I realized how attached I had become to my boy—not so much as a lover, but as a person. We… those nights… I had been with many men, and we had had wonderful s*x, but now it seemed that only with him were my nights truly filled with life. How I missed him by my side, especially now, when I was alone on stage facing an ocean of people. And I suddenly realized how lonely it could be at the top. 06-08. 05. 2021 Let Me Breathe Finally, we sat on the seashore. I had just arrived, feeling seasick from the journey, and I was afraid it would only get worse on the beach. He held me close, and I closed my eyes, as if trying to convince myself that nothing had changed. I tried to breathe as deeply as possible so that the cool spring air would fill every corner of my body—and perhaps my soul. Maybe then I would feel better. Maybe my longing for the past would pass, all unnecessary thoughts would fly away, and I would feel happy and light again with someone who appreciated me for who I really was. It was already dark when he suggested riding a bike to a certain place, saying that he had immediately thought of us when he saw it… It turned out to be a small, dilapidated gazebo. In the darkness, it looked like some kind of sea monster, but as soon as we climbed up, a stunning view of the evening town opened before us. I reached for my camera, but my man took my hands in his and pressed them tightly against his body. We stood there for about ten minutes without saying a word. Then he kissed me gently, as if nothing had happened in those two weeks. As always, he kissed me more tenderly than I kissed him. After that, he hugged me tightly with his warm arms, but for some reason, instead of feeling warm, I felt a shiver. 31. 05. 2021 Last Drop Of Summer I got the last car on the train. We were speeding toward Paris, planning to fly from there to New York. It felt as though scorching Europe was seeing us off through the window of our compartment, while the New World was winking at us through the corridor window. In truth, I wasn’t sure I really wanted to go to Fashion Week—most of the time when I wasn’t asleep, I felt as if I were in a daze: my feet were always cold, I didn’t feel like doing anything, and so I wasn’t sure I could handle this race. And there was a mountain of work waiting for me at home. On the other hand, everything pointed to this being the first normal Fashion Month since the start of the pandemic, and it would be worth seeing. The exhausting, blazing summer had, after all, left me with one last drop of strength—just enough to keep fighting for what, it seemed to me, had saved me over these past six months. We met the night halfway—the cool air drifted in through the half-open windows, but that wasn’t enough for me, so I went out into the vestibule to let the cold wind take my breath away. I craved that. I wanted to stand there for the rest of my life, clinging only to that sensation, gasping for breath from the excess of oxygen. And the train kept racing north, cutting through the twilight. 31. 08. 2021 Lump in the Throat Somewhere in the distance, a wolf howled. The man sitting opposite me kept glancing at me, then exhaled, as if he were about to get up from the chair and walk out of the house—or even out of my life altogether—but he stayed. All girls dream of understanding men, not realizing how difficult it is to watch him struggle with himself yet still ignore everything and remain. It was already completely dark when I gathered my inner strength and went to the kitchen to put the kettle on. It was there that another wave of melancholy overcame me, and I stood for about ten minutes, staring at a single dark spot on the wall. Trying not to cry at moments like this has become my new hobby over the past few weeks. Although it wasn’t very healthy, I had made up my mind. I wanted to cry not because of the past, but because even in such a comfortable present, I was missing one thing to do: love. 13. 07. 2021 Death And The City For so many years, I couldn’t even read those two words—New York—without wincing, and now here I am at the local airport, waiting for my luggage and making firm plans for tomorrow. The taxi driver cheerfully tells me all about the city as we head toward Manhattan, but with every passing second, anxiety washes over me. Again. I’m supposed to be a grown woman now, and everything that crushed me in my youth is forgotten... But not this city. I reply to my boyfriend’s message almost without thinking. But I’ll have to deal with this too when I get back—with him, the one who was by my side, and with the one who still lived in my heart. I smoke all night long, staring at the universe of sinful lights — after all, all the saints sleep at night. By morning, I calm down, as if during these hours New York and I got to know each other and maybe even accepted each another. Though I don’t know how many more years the ghosts of the past—which once died so dishonorably right in the heart of Manhattan—will haunt me. On the other hand, there are moments when they are the only proof that I’ve remained true to myself. And that will cause problems. Because this city has helped me make a decision… the decision to finally listen to my heart. 10. 04. 2022