shadows

black was her shadow (6)

Emilia woke up in a strange room, but she didn’t give in to the rush of emotions. She concentrated on her breathing and quickly calmed down. This wasn’t the first time she found herself here.

-

She didn’t know how she made it back home. She was standing in the balcony of her apartment, leaning onto the parapet, looking down at the park. But all she saw was the table with the large monitor and the files, the pretty doctor across the table looking at her with a smile. And the nurse standing behind the doctor, smiling too. They were genuinely happy for her. But she couldn’t feel the joy.

“You’re pregnant,” the doctor told her.

And followed with the many things she had to be careful about, the things she had to do, and the things to watch out for. She nodded all through, like she was listening carefully. And she was. She didn’t know it herself, but every word leaving the doctor’s lips was etched into her memory. She was too dazed to realise anything.

She was still in that same daze standing on her balcony. Only now did she finally come to. And she had to thank the park, the view for that. The features of her apartment she loved most were what helped her again. She smiled. The wall cracked, fell away brick by brick. The tears flowed free. The sobs escaped. Her hands squeezed her mouth shut, silencing the sobs, but not entirely successful. What escaped were whimpers. Her legs gave away. Sending her crashing to the floor. And the parapet turned pillow for her head, holding her up. And all of her was trembling.

It was only now that reality sunk in. Almost a month after the end. The wife had found her. Gave her a mouthful. Right outside her apartment, in the hallway. With all of her neighbours as audience. And she couldn’t retort. The husband then saw her one last time. To tell her it was over. Leaving her with a bank card as a parting gift. He offered no apology. He didn’t even think one was warranted. And that was it. Everything was over. She had gotten the bank card she couldn’t bear to look at, and the shame. Everyone in the building had heard. Everyone looked at her different. Where they once smiled at her in greeting, they now frowned openly. Where they once asked her how she was, they now wondered aloud when she was going to stop polluting the building. They couldn’t be more explicit about wanting her to leave. She was lost in her head to care about any of them. But now, she was slapped back out into the outside. And she felt crushed under the weight of her actions and choices.

She locked herself away inside her apartment. Until everything there was to eat and drink was consumed. And she had to head out. She stood at the door for hours. Feeling the cries of her muscles and the screams of her stomach. But none of it, made her reach for the door. The pain she was in was great. But the fear of the outside was so much greater. And she would have stayed unmoving until she breathed out the last bit of air inside. If not for the cries of her baby. She had given up on herself. But she couldn’t give up on her baby. It wasn’t her hunger anymore. It was her baby’s. It wasn’t her sorrow anymore. It was her baby’s. It was her pain anymore. It was her baby’s. And so, it wouldn’t be her happiness. It would be her baby’s. And she found a new-found strength inside her.

She reached for the door. Pulled it open. Stepped out. Numb to the voices outside. Blind to the looks of scorn. After that first step out, everything became easier. She canceled her lease. Found a new apartment, closer to the hospital. A smaller apartment. The view incomparable. But an entirely new place. And her baby seemed to like it. So, she moved.

-

Her hands were clenched. She forced herself to lay completely flat. Forced her eyes shut. Until she calmed. Until her breaths became slow and even. Normal. Just then, she felt a hand on hers. And she smiled in recognition.

Fanny was sitting by the bedside. Looking at her sleeping friend. She noticed the moment Emilia’s eyes moved. She knew Emilia was awake. She was ready with the greeting when she saw the fear and the pain and the grief. And she felt an invisible hand clutch her heart. She saw her friend stay strong, and calm herself, so quickly, so perfectly. She felt a stab in her chest. Just how much suffering had Emilia endured all alone to grow this strong. And where was she? Living her blessed life. Enjoying her job. Partying with friends. Going on holidays. She reached for Emilia’s hand as she saw Emilia calm down.

“Why didn’t you call me?” Fanny asked when Emilia opened her eyes.

“When?” Emilia asked, smiling like she knew exactly what Fanny meant.

“You know when,” Fanny said.

“You know why,” Emilia said.

The two looked at each other, holding their eyes, seeing so much more than was visible.

“I am,” Fanny began.

“No,” Emilia cut in.

The two locked eyes again. A whole minute. Then, Fanny nodded. Emilia nodded too.

“There was a complication during the delivery,” Fanny said. “But you’re fine now. Both of you. He’s in NICU. That’s ICU for newborn babies. I didn’t know there was such a thing. Did you? He’s okay. The two of you had the doctors worried for a while. They just want to observe him tonight. Tomorrow, he will be delivered to your side. Don’t worry.”

Emilia nodded.

“Thank you.”

“The doctor said he will be coming around, to speak with you. I think to tell you what happened. And assure you everything’s fine.”

“That would be nice.”

“Yes. He is nice too.”

The two laughed.

“So,” Fanny asked after a while, after putting it off for as long as she could, “it’s over? You lived.”

Emilia didn’t answer.

“It’s still here?” Fanny asked, her disbelief loud.

Emilia looked to the corner in reply.

Fanny followed her friend’s eyes to the corner. And froze.

“No,” she said. “No. Not this time.”

She moved herself between the corner and Emilia.

“We’re not giving up,” Emilia said, grabbing Fanny’s hand.

“You’re right about that,” Fanny said, pressing Emilia’s hand in hers. “We’re definitely not giving up.”