shadows

There was a woman in white. Floating underneath an endlessly quiet sea. All around her a shade of blue and green and a mix of both. In the depths of the endlessness was a voice. A familiar voice. A voice closer to her heart than her ears. A voice speaking to her. Words that she couldn’t remember. Except for those final four words. ‘Live today. For me.’ - Emilia woke up in her single bed in her tiny bedroom in her tiny apartment. Cold. Sweating. Trembling. Her heart raging in her ears. And her eyes unfocussed. It felt like she was lost between the dream and the waking world. Yes, that was what it was. That was what it had to be. A dream. Even that didn’t entirely make sense. She had clearly only just had the dream. But why did it feel like she had seen it many times already? Why did right now feel nothing like the first time? Like the day wasn’t the first time coming? And what did those words mean? Live today. Was she not going to make it through the day? Was something going to happen? She looked down at her big, round stomach. At her baby. That was the biggest difference between the dream and reality. Her baby wasn’t inside her in the dream, but everywhere around her. “Was that you darling?” She asked her baby. “Yeah. It must be. Were you frightened? I was. Is something really going to happen? Were you trying to warn me? Okay. I will stay alive.” She smiled. Gently patted her baby. Looked up. Started to rise from the bed. Her feet were on the floor. She was still sitting on the bed. And she had stopped. Scenes were playing in her eyes. Not like the dream. Like she was watching a movie. She was the lead. And the scenes were her in different places. Many familiar. Some not so much. All of them similar in how they ended. All of them accidents, ending with her in a pool of blood. And an ambulance rushing over. One was right under her building. Someone, something, had crashed into her. Sent her into a pillar. Cracked her head. She collapsed. A pool of red around her head. Another on the street. She had been mowed down by an out of control car. Another had her in a bus. At the front. A truck had crashed into the bus. She was on her seat. A deep gash on the side of her head. Leaking red blood and white brain matter. Another had her at the hospital. At the bottom of the stairs in the lobby. Clutching her stomach with both hands, even as her head had cracked open like a smashed pumpkin. She grabbed her stomach back in her bedroom, in her apartment, even as she had trouble breathing. Her head was woozy. And her heart was beating like crazy. And the words made sense now. Something was going to happen. She wasn’t going to live through the day. But her baby would be born safe. And he didn’t want that. “I understand,” she said to her baby, through the tears and the sobs. “You don’t want to be alone. I hate it too. Alone sucks. You want me with you. And I will make it today.” She felt like it was the first time making the promise. Her hands pressed down the slightest harder on her stomach. She felt his kick in reply. She beamed. “We’ll need help, won’t we?” She said. “Clearly, I don’t make it by myself. I know what to do.” - Fanny was inside her walk-in closet when her phone rang. She was dressed for work. The watch was the last. She liked analog watches that did the on thing they needed to do. Tell time accurately and beautifully. Collecting analog watches of all kinds, mechanical, quartz, old and new, handcrafted and mass produced, every watch that caught her eyes, was her guilty pleasure. Her collection was over a hundred long. And so, she was frowning as she walked out. She grabbed the phone from her vanity table. Read the name on the screen. And froze. It had been longer than she could remember exactly since they had spoken. Since the fight. Since she had given up on hearing from her best friend. She calmed herself. And answered. “Hello, Emilia. Long time.” The answer was immediate. “Hi Fanny. Yeah. Long time. How are you?” Fanny frowned. She shook her head. Realised what she was doing, and stopped. And then spoke into the phone. “No. You don’t get to do that Emilia.” “Do what? Ask how you are?” “Yes. That. You don’t get to ask how I am. You don’t get to want to get back together. Not after all those things you said. You left. You don’t get to come back with one phone call.” “Okay. I’m good, by the way. I’m actually well. And quite happy. I think you would be too, for me. If you saw me. Surprised. Shocked too. But happy. So, what do you think?” “I don’t think anything. I don’t want to meet you. I don’t want to feel anything for you. I have to get to work. So, if this is all this all is about, then.” There was no reply this time. At least not immediately. And Fanny wanted to end the call. But something felt off. She was curious. Maybe more than she should be. And so, she stayed on. Waiting. And she was rewarded. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have called. Not after everything. But I had to. I needed to. Fanny, I need my best friend. More than anything. More than you can imagine. And whatever it takes for that to happen, I’m ready to pay. So, tell me. What will it take?” It was Fanny’s turn to take her time. And she took it. It felt like an eternity later that she replied. “Why don’t you tell me first what it is. Why do you need your best friend? And then, we’ll maybe then figure out what it’ll take.” “Okay,” came the immediate reply. “Of course. I need my best friend’s help staying alive through the day.” Fanny had thought up many possible answers. All sorts of things Emilia could want from her. None of them came close. “What are you talking about?” Fanny was honestly worried. All the anger, was gone. As if a switch was flipped, and the best friend had returned. The long time apart didn’t matter. She was all ears, complete attention, for the answer. “I will not make it through the day. Not by myself. And I need to. And I can only think of you, to make that happen. I can’t tell you more over the phone. Fanny, can we please meet? I will do whatever it takes. Please. I need you.”