What Could’ve Been

Jade I woke up this morning and for a brief moment I had forgotten, I had left the memories of his scent, his laugh and his smile in a folder in the back of my mind that I’d made sure to leave untouched, but most importantly I had forgotten what day it was. Exactly 4 years ago today the so-called ‘love of my life’ shattered my heart. It's stupid that I still let a teenage love affect me, but you never really forget the first person that made you feel ‘love’ for the first time. Jay was the first person I had ever opened myself up to, the first person that showed me what it felt like to be wanted, we’d met in high school and after running around in circles after each other we had ended up on solid ground. I felt my phone vibrate and as I picked it up to see who had disturbed my self loathing,my heart stopped. There displayed on my screen was a photo of him I had taken whilst riding shotgun in his first ute, his name staring back at me. He must’ve known I was thinking about him, my head was screaming at me not to answer whilst my heart had developed a curiosity of wanting to see what it is he wanted, my heart began to beat so fast I wondered if it was going to leap out of my chest and land on the floor, giving me the opportunity to view all the damage it’s been through these past years. I watched my phone ring and my mind went back to sitting in the spare room of my sister’s house, watching my phone ring with his calls and seeing message after message appear, I was brought back to reality when my screensaver reappeared followed by a notification, voicemail. I remembered when that feeling of my stomach sinking came, followed by the screams of pain, I had felt my heart break slowly, I had sat there crying and screaming for hours letting the realisation that I would never get him back or what we had back take over. I needed to walk, to clear my head and distract myself from the weight of this day. I changed into my usual Nike shorts, pulled a jumper on and slipped into my trainers, I reached for my airpods and when I found a song that was fitting I stepped outside. It was a cold morning, the clouds created an ombre of grey and filled the air with a high chance of rain, I started to walk, I trusted my feet to lead me whilst I kept my mind distracted letting the words of the song to sink in ‘the memories come but they don’t go, I hear the echoes pounding in my head, as long as I keep my eyes closed, you’re lying right back in my arms again, I moved out but i never moved on, so tell me now, where did we go so wrong?’. I looked up and realised I was at the foot of Memorial Hill, the spot in this small town where most first kisses, first dates and all things ‘teenage love’ happen, I shrugged my shoulders and began to walk up ready to feel every emotion I need to get out today. I’ve been trying so hard to forget him, to forget what we had, to forget how I felt and most importantly to forget how he left, we haven’t spoken in years and I’d somewhat moved on, I had my fair share of shitty relationships after him and so had he from all the cover photos that he’d changed on his f*******: profile. He’s always smiling in all of them with his arm around a different girl and usually dressd up like it was taken at some small town event that requires everyone to dress their best. My legs started to burn as I began the climb, it was a good distraction from the pain in my chest, my thoughts continued racing around and question after question began to surface. Why now? Why today after all these years has he decided to call? With every step I took I continued to overthink, is he looking to pick a fight? Is he in trouble and I’m an absolute last resort?. I’ve seen him around since we broke up but there’s always been an invisible line drawn in the sand, we don’t speak or exchange glances and we’ve always had someone new on our arms which kept this mutual agreement ensured. Whatever it is he wants, it’s best to pretend I don’t care and pretend it never happened like I force myself to think with everything else in relation to him. I’ve gone through phases of thinking of him, forgetting his existence and repeat, I've always been a firm believer in ‘if you randomly start thinking about someone it’s because they were thinking about you first’. I stopped to look at the view, this hill has always had the most adorable view, one that never gets old and would make the perfect muse for Monet, I imagine how it would look on a canvas and delicately hung on a gallery wall, surrounded by a carefully sculpted thin, gold frame and embracing the light hung above it, allowing it to show every brush stroke and detail the canvas holds. I take a deep breathe and continue up letting my mind drown in the music of a playlist I would usually love but instead I have abandoned. When I made it to the top I sat on the table they had placed here, it served a better purpose as seat that offered the perfect view of the paddocks and hills in the distance, i laid my hands out behind me and leaned back closing my eyes, I needed to focus on my breathing, I took my airpods out allowing myself to me engulfed in my surroundings. I heard a car pull up and chose to completely ignore it, I don’t have the energy to deal with anyone’s bullshit today and there’s a chance it’s just a tourist, I sat here trying to embrace the peace I was feeling and distracting myself with the question of why I never learnt how to paint, I could come up here and put my interpretation of this scenery on a canvas. That was when I heard an all too familiar voice call my name, ‘Jade’, f**k off he’s here Jay ‘f**k this day’, I grabbed my keys and slammed the door behind me, if this day could be obliterated off my calender I would be ecstatic. If I’m going to be miserable then I’m going to do it somewhere I can stay somewhat distracted, I marched towards my ute and turned the key hearing the engine roar alive, I put it in reverse and backed out of the driveway. I had enough space on this farm to yell and do what I needed to do to get my feelings out, instead i settled for the idea of going into town to Memorial hill, sitting in my car, listening to music and disappearing for as long as I needed to. Jade was the girl that everyone advises you from a child not to let go of, you would think after having it drilled into me from every adult male in my life that I would have listened. Instead I went against all male logic and let my emotions take over, I let her slip through my fingers thinking it was a good idea in the moment but later finding that even had been written in capitals on the list of things I hate about myself. We were young and I’ve since needed to remind myself that there’s a difference between boys and men, that’s why I called her, I wanted to talk to her and let out everything I should've when I knew she needed to hear it most, regardless of logic. I dated after her, I partied and I fell into the cycle most guys do when they’re in pain. I dated girls that reminded me of her and it took me a long time to realise it but when I did was the moment I realised I needed to get my girl back. I rolled into town with the windows down letting the cool breeze fan the fire that’s building up inside of me, Holy smokes by Bailey Zimmerman blared through my speakers and as I turned corners and up streets, I pulled into the entrance of the hill zi turned it up as I made my way up. I threw my ute in park and took a deep breath listening to the lyrics ‘heaven was a preacher's spot in that first church parking lot,her hangin’ on to me like the cross on her rear view does, her eyes were blue the words were red on that half pack of cigarettes, at seventeen, that’s what hallelujah was’. I looked around at the view and looked at those hills in the distance, remembering how they looked from her parents farm which sat at their slope. I felt how close it was in a straight line and coming here was a reminder of knowing she wasn’t very far away, my attention broke when I saw something move in the corner of my eye, of course there has to be someone else here, I looked closer hoping it wasn’t someone I would recognise or a past fling that’s come to haunt me. There was a girl sitting on the silver table, her feet resting on the bench seat and she had her palms flat behind her, she was leaning back admiring the view. I felt a feeling of familiarity. I kept watching her, wanting her to turn around so I could see who she was. One minute felt like five and something in me wanted to go and talk to her, I considered leaving but my curiosity kept me in my place. I was about to give up when her head turned, her hand pulling her hair away from her face, there’s no f*****g way, I had to wipe my eyes to make sure it was her. I got out of my ute and began walking over to her, ‘Jade’ I called, she turned around and when her eyes met mine she went a ghostly shade of white. ‘Jay’ she said, ‘I tried calling you’ ‘I know, I watched it ring’ she replied with a smirk that still makes me weak, ‘why did you?’ she quickly added. I paused thinking about her question ‘I wanted to see you’ were the only words that escaped my lips ‘After all this time? Have you been through every girl in town already?’ My face dropped and she must’ve noticed, her eyes retreated to the ground, she’s already found a way to hit a nerve I’m not proud of ‘don’t be bitter Jade, I just wanted to talk’. She was still as beautiful as I remember, she’s grown slightly, he body has given in to it’s womanly features and her face has changed, she has developed her adult face. She still has the same deep brown eyes and long lashes, her eyebrows are perfectly maintained and she must’ve gotten them dyed, her hair now has blonde streaks and she’s gained a nose ring somewhere along the way. Her eyes looked over me, taking me in as I was her. My admiring was interrupted when she said ‘fine, if you want to talk I’m going to need coffee’, I took a brief look around and realised she must’ve walked here, the cards were in my favour today, ‘c’mon then, we’ll go get coffee and I’ll take you to that spot we used to go to’, she stood up and we began silently walking to my ute ‘this is definitely an upgrade from the last one i was in’ she smiled, f**k, seeing he smile was enough to remind me how much i really did miss her ‘I hope so for what it cost’ she smirked, I opened her door and she looked at me with a face full of something between shock and surprise, she hopped inside and i closed the door, walking around the otherside i jumped in, I started the engine and we headed to spot I took her for our first date, she sat their quietly playing with her acrylic nails as we drove down the main street and I found a spot to park. ‘Whats your coffee order again?’ I asked her, she turned to me offended that i didn’t remember ‘you seriously dont remember?’ she asked, ‘I remember your favourite smoothie order if that counts’ I smiled hoping it would make up for the lack of notice sixteen year old me paid, she rolled her eyes ‘large cappuccino with lactose free milk and no sugar’, I blurted out the first response that came to mind ‘just like you, smooth and bitter. And since when are you lactose free?’ She looked at me ‘There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me’, ‘you’re not wrong, i'll be right back’ I walked into the cafe, coffee, bacon and the sound of a blender filled the air, I ordered our coffees and looked around waiting, what felt like ten minutes was actually five and Jade’s voice saying ‘there's a lot of things you don’t know about me’ didn’t sit right, sure I went through big moments without her bt how many did she go through without me? The thought made me sick and thankfully it was interrupted by our coffee being ready. I walked back out as the air started to fill with sleet and opened the door passing a coffee to Jade, ‘here you are darlin’, my fingers met hers and my eyes immediately shot to meet mine and allowing me to stare into that deep brown hue I’ve been dreaming of since I broke up with her, shocks went flying through my body and i'm sure she felt it too ,thank you’ was all she said before reverting her eyes to the window.