What Could’ve Been

J’s Letter

Jade

I’ve been sitting outside on the patio for what feels like hours now watching the rainclouds roll in and admiring the dull ombre they create. Every memory of us we created as kids swirls in my mind and for a moment I let it absorb me until the pain I almost forgot existed comes rushing o the surface. I continued to sip on my coffee and try to think of anything other than how my nickname rolled of his tongue, I started daydreaming about the moment his fingers met mine, it was the first time he’d touched me in 4 years and somehow we were like an electric current. I was interrupted by a text, knowing who it possibly could be made me uneasy, I had gotten so used to a life without him that one with him in it always seemed impossible, until now. ‘Wear something comfortable’. A smirk crossed my lips as I pondered my wardrobe and if I should play his favourite game of ‘hard to get’ or if I should keep it casual since I really don’t know where I stand with him. This has all been too much and spaced in an extremely short amount of time, maybe if i go to sleep i’ll wake up and it will all be some sick dream. I settled for a shower in the meantime needing to rearrange my mind and clear some space for me to actually be able to breathe. I grabbed a black t-shirt and football shorts, making a b-line for the bathroom. I stood under the water leaning against the cold tiles embracing the feeling the water created running down my body. I closed my eyes as I was transported back to showering with him, remembering how he always loved to wash my hair, feeling his fingers gently massage my scalp as they ran over every delicate strand. His hands would explore m body ever so gently as he planted kisses on my neck, he always stood behind me with his huge arms wrapped around my waist. Those moments made me wonder if heaven would ever compare to how it felt being under his touch and in his embrace. Looking into those deep brown eyes and completely losing myself in admiring him. I snapped my eyes open and the pain that filled them immediately stung, i’m crying, reminiscing on the good times now brings pain as equal to reminiscing on the bad times. Realising how I had him I may never have him again, regardless of age. We really are two different people, we’ve lived through things without eachother, loved other people, been heartbroken, felt alone but regardless of all of that, my curiosity seems to have gotten the better of me and I can’t help but wonder, is this what we could’ve been.

I woke up early, groggily rolling over to find my phone, a text from Jay was the first thing that appeared on my screen. I had expected to wake up feeling pain after realising it really was all a sick dream. His text is confirmation tha it definitely wasn’t. ‘Morning pretty girl’ after reading it I rubbed my eyes expecting my imagination to be playing games, but when I looked again it was still there, I responded with ‘why the actual f**k are you up so early?’ After two minutes of stupidly waiting for a reply i got up, found the nearest blanket and found my way out to my usual spot on the patio. I sat down and looked out at the circus of colour the sky had painted across it, there’s something about getting up early and being able to breathe for a minute before the rest of the world joins in. Just as I was exhaling a very needed deep breathe, my phone vibrated and my heart skipped a beat. ‘Go to the front door’ it read, I was still processing his message as I made a b-line through the kitchen and lounge room to it, I opened it slowly expecting him to be standing there, instead he was nowhere to be found, a coffee cup, rose and letter all sat elegantly on the welcome mat. I looked around to see if he was sitting somewhere in his ute watching me, even though he was nowhere to found I knew he was, I could feel his eyes on me. I held the letter to my lips hiding the smirk that was creepin at the corners of my mouth before returning inside to the patio. As I sat down I heard a ute drive off confirming that he was there. I sipped on my coffee staring athe letter, twirling the rose between my middle finger and thumb, whatever is in that letter is real and true, there is a part of him concealed in there that I’m not sure i’m ready to face yet. My mind is telling me to read it when I’m ready whilst my heart is overwhelmed with curiosity, ‘f**k it’ I say louder than I should as I’m gently opening it. He always had the most beautiful cursive handwriting, it always reminded me of love letters soldiers would send home, make promises they may never make it home to fulfill, yet the intention is so pure and true, offering as a distraction from their reality, each curve and line full of heart. I would always admire him as he wrote, watching way his hand made love with the page and how beautifully smooth he made the motions look. I ran my hand over the dried ink before taking a final deep breath, I began to read.

Jade,

I finally remembered your coffee order, about time I know, I’ve quickly learnt it’s more important than remembering your favourite smoothie and I assumed you hadn’t made one yet. I stopped on my way to work to grab them and wrote this letter last night because I figured it’s only fair I settle the questions that have been wracking that beautiful mind, especially since so much has happened in such a short period of time. When you left for Sydney, it shattered me, not only did it make me feel like you were making plans for this ulterior life but that I had no place in it. Watching you leave my house and holding you feeling nothing but uncertainty of when I’ll be able to do it again was enoough to break me. I questioned how we would make our relationship work, and whenever I tried to bring this up with you and I don’t know being the only response, a pain that I’d never felt before hit me harder than anyone on that footy field ever had. The second you stepped on that plane my heart shattered, I watched you slip away and become absorbed by your new life. It turned me bitter. I could’nt take the pain and the feeling like I was something being dragged around, the last thing I would ever do is drag you down. But finding out that plans were already in motion with no thought to give me any warning or to let me know what you were thinking of doing pissed me off in ways I can’t describe. The things people told you I was doing I have no control over, but as the saying goes ‘actions speak louder tha words’ and although i’ve committed some shitty actions against you, you didn’t see my every move. I’m not the villain everyone makes me out to be. We were young, we did stupid things because we sure as s**t didn’t know any better, hell i thought I’d been in love before I met you but I soon realised I hadn’t. The first time I saw you in that classroom I just knew I had to get to know you, nothing and no one has compared to you or what we had. 2 years isn’t a long time but even at 14 you felt like my missing piece. I know it sound like I’m trying to ‘sweetin’ you up’ but that’s not the case, sure I slept with a lot of girls and dated around, but did you realise they all reminded me of you? Yet they didn’t compare in the slightest. I was lost for a long time after we broke up, you had been my whole world and to sit there and realise some of the things I put you through sent me into a deeper spiral. I had to force myself to get it together and I promised myself that I would become better, if not for me than for you. Seeing you with another man was enough to spark blackout rage and I’m not a violent man, you deserve the best and I promised to become that for you. Just remember that I never stopped loving you Mon Tresor, those words are empty unless they’re spoken to you. I wanted to reach out to you countless times but I was too gutless, now it feels like fate finally forced it. I’ll see you later pretty girl - J x

I looked up with tears rimming my eyes, a lump formed in my throat, fighting back the urge to let my emotions take over. I wanted to scream and cry, I didn’t see the power of the choice I had in fron of me then but I do now, only now feels ridiculously late. I wanted to drop out of school so badly for a number of reasons. I found the opportunity to become a chef and study at a private culinary institution, I was accepted as the youngest student they’ve ever had and within a month I was living in Sydney with a stable job, accommodation, classes and friends. A whole new life you could say. There were plenty of times I had said that I wish I graduated and went to university like I had planned, but nowhere in my plan of what I would do when I dropped out included Jay. Thinking about it now makes me realise that I technically broke his heart first, I’ve spent years holding a grudge against him and blaming him, all for something he did because he felt alone and unsure. I folded the letter to its original state and place in back in the envelope. I picked up my phone and held my fingers over the keyboard knowing I need to say something to Jay but unsure as to what, I settled for ‘thank you Jay’. I looked up allowing myself to take a deep breathe, I sat there with my eyes closed feeling the first rays of the sun igniting my face with warmth and a weight easing off my shoulders. I had been asking ‘why’ for so long that I f*****g gave up, I knew closure wasn’t in his vocabulary and he was acting like an outright d**k whenever I asked so I stopped communicating with him all together. Now I know, I have closure. My phone vibrated and a message from Jay appeared ‘Can I come see you in my break? Tonight is too far away?’ I hesitated before a feeling of needing to hug him washed over me, ‘yes’ I replied.

I was in my office working on my computer, the gallery was holding an exhibition for an Australian artist named Jackson Pollock, I had been chosen to organise the tours. What felt like minutes had actually been hours when I receive a text from Jay ‘I’m outside’, all the oxygen in the room suddenly escaped, I made my way down the hallway heading towards the door, I opened it and there he stood, those brown eyes instantly meeting mine as he casually leaned against the doorframe. ‘Hey’ he said as casually as his posture, ‘hey, come in’ i said a little too quickly, stepping out of the door way. He kicked off his boots as he held up a white bag ‘I thought you’d be hungry’. I was starving, I was too encapsulated in my research that food hadn’t crossed my mind. ‘I have some work I need to quickly finish and I’ll be right back, make yourself comfortable’ I pointed to the kitchen ‘help yourself’ as I hurried away to my office. I left the door ajar knowing I wouldn’t be any longer than ten minutes, as I picked up where I left off I heard footsteps in the hallway stopping every five minutes and slowly making their way to office.