Brace For Impact: A memoir

And so it begins... Brace for Impact This is dedicated to you and only you my forbidden love, because nothing compares to you. Thank you for awakening my soul. ---------------------------------------------- "I saw a few candles dimly lighting the room. You lying down with rose petals. Not a whole lot. Just a few handfuls of them. Some almost look like they were strategically placed to cover your most intimate places, but by the way they are so lightly sitting on top of your skin, it's apparent that the way you released them that they just so perfectly fell in to place. Glimpses of pink from your n*****s peek from the side of the rose petals to tease me. Ughhh it looks more appealing this way than if you were totally uncovered. I can see the soft part by your hip bone and it makes me salivate thinking what's so close but covered but covered by more petals. I approach you at the foot of the bed and begin by kissing your ankle. Then the other ankle. Moving up one inch at a time. Switching back and forth. Kiss. Move up. Switch leg. Kiss. Move up. Switch leg. As I approach the tops of your thighs just my breath is all it takes for the petals to move. Revealing what I'm craving. But I keep kissing. I kiss that sweet p***y and continue up to your stomach. Then to your chest. My breath pushes the petals away from your n****e, and I ever so lightly kiss it. A brief gentle suck and then continue my path to your neck. I give your ear the same treatment I gave to your n*****s. Then look at you in the eyes and our lips meet as we both close our eyes and you feel my body press down on yours......." --------------------------------------- Let me ask a question... where do you run when you are at a crossroads? What do you do when you find yourself in a situation, you never thought you would be in? You've accidentally entered into a place of no return, where you have to make an earth-shattering decision, and no matter what you decide, you self-destruct? One choice lights your soul in such a way that can only be explained by you, the beholder. You, and only you can feel the force of that flame that's been ignited inside of you. But inevitably,a flame burns out when there's no fuel left for the fire you've found that makes you feel like you can move mountains. When you lose yourself for so long, and feel so cold-hearted and hopeless, you can't seem to find your way "home." You long for warmth, so much so that when that warmth finds you, you become addicted, shackled, in a way, but you don't want to break free from it. Just when you think this fire can't get any hotter, you add to the mix, the best "f**k" of your life. Do you remember? If you've been there you will never forget it. It wasn't just a f**k. We didn't meet in a shitty dive bar and go have classless s*x in a bathroom. The s****l tension we built over the time we spent together whether in person or just over the phone, was too much to handle and so que October 21. It was sensual, lip-biting, passionate, tender and erotic, THE encounter of my life, if you can, try to wrap your head around THAT. When I say RAW PASSION, I mean that I covered myself in rose petals and he began kissing every single inch of my body. Head to toe. All the right places at the right times. My body quivered with every touch and squirmed in anticipation of the next. Once you feel all of that at once, you don't want to, correction, you can't go back. Every replayed thought of that night sends a shock through me. Even up to the moment he left, like he always has to, because this is "one of the many inevitables" that you choose to face in such a situation. Deep inside of yourself you struggle with the "never-ending" toxic game and in order to "win" this game, you have to "save yourself." And so the story goes, another one of those "inevitables" rears its ugly head, AGAIN. You lose yourself to the darkest places of your own mind. Thoughts and tremors of past heartache flood you and suddenly you find yourself starting to drown. Who's going to save you THIS time? By now your head is ready to explode under pressure. You feel like you can't make it back above water and it becomes suffocating to the point of exhaustion. You finally make it up for air and immediately start to shut down. The "safest" "easiest" and "best" way out of the water is to ditch the anchor, right? Wrong. You somehow find yourself back on land and collapse. After all, saving yourself is how you "win" this game,right? Wrong yet again. Despite this, you get back on your feet for a moment and you run. You run as far as you can as fast as you can. Like I always say, the universe is truly amazing. Just when you think you're doing the whole "best-for-everyone" thing, you collide again. Every stupid song on the stupid radio floods your mind again, HE floods your mind and it sucks the life right out of you, just when you thought you might be able to breathe again. Just like that, it's over. They're gone. Let's just go back to life before we ever met and it'll be fine..... Nope. One day after another and then another passes and you feel even more empty than you did before you ever knew them, and back to the never-ending vicious cycle you go. Now that they're "gone" like water under the bridge you wake up and realize that without them, everything is worse. You cry and cry and then get angry. Then more tears fall and now they don't stop. Why?! I think we know the answer. I am a proud woman, but I never blinked at spewing my deepest worst feelings out to "him", hence why I'm hopelessly addicted to THIS. Yet another punch in the stomach. Now I'm mad at him for "our" situation. Neither one of us expected this. So who is to blame? The answer is nobody. It just happened. It's so much easier to get mad then to live with an unending feeling of sadness and emptiness. Now what? Welp you swallow your pride and admit that you are sick without the beautifully f****d up mess we created. Instead of wondering "what could have been" "what should have been" I am not going to worry about (here's that word again) "one of the inevitables." With my whole heart body and soul, I know I want to still be in this, still feel it the best that we can. This is a sickness, but no matter what, it will always be more than a memory. So, that "other choice" the "safe one" that was "better for everyone" is a real b***h. It's a choice you KNOW you have to eventually make, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, you don't know when but it's coming (and let's be sure to consider you've already tried to leave twice) what the f**k, right? Some would ask the question, what is the lesser of the two evils? Answer: Both, because either turn that you take will probably lead to a dead end. You have to look within yourself to see if you can handle that. The fire becomes an explosion and the embers eventually stop glowing and you might become that ice-cold shell of a person you promised yourself you would never be again. The universe truly works in mysterious ways. Fate is real and there is no such thing as a coincidence. You are exactly where you are supposed to be at any moment in time. When two worlds collide, when you least expect it, there is a reason. Someone or something knew you needed to find eachother at that very moment. Two empty souls crashed into one another that day. Everyone you meet enters your life for a reason, the twist is that you won't know why until a pivotal moment arrives. You come to find that you both have been longing to feel ANYTHING. It is not a shared misery, but finally feeling craved, needed, safe, loved, warm and happy. Even if it's only once a week. It's real. This was never supposed to happen right? Wrong again. This is real, raw, poisonous, but also healing for us. Even if it's only short lived. And so the plot thickens.... Both characters in this story know but don't want to face what's coming when this story finally ends, it is unspoken, but life is too short to have regrets. Tomorrow is never promised. It may be torturous but it is exhilarating. It is so right and so wrong. It is a beautiful mess we have made. You've become addicted to a bad habit that may destroy you, or you may quit willingly. Doubtful, but maybe. The end of this movie will most likely be a cliffhanger. It will have the type of ending that when you walk out of the theater, it's burned into your memory and it WILL haunt you. It could haunt you for a day, a month, a year, maybe even the rest of your life because it was so raw and real, and relatable. When the movie ends, it's a real possibility that no matter how badly you want or need closure, you may never get it. Being a part of this story will be the best and worst time of your life. It's like facing your fear of that big scary rollercoaster you swore you would never get on. But you finally opened your eyes, with some help, and realized the wild ride that is to come. Buckle up and throw all inhibitions and expectations out the window. Does that scare you? f**k yeah it should, but we are all here on borrowed time. And you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so why not live while the living is good? To be honest nobody has much of a chance at winning this perfectly f****d up game... But I sure ain't ready to get off the rollercoaster yet. Are you? So I ask again, if neither turn takes you to the "happy" Place do you just run again and never look back? Nope, I would run right back to you and do it all again. And when I run back, I can at least say that I lived in the amazing moments we shared and savored each and every one. Live and learn is what they say, right? This surreal life we created lasted 6 f*****g months, 180 some days, until it was time to say goodbye. But the end of this movie is still a cliffhanger... because It won't ever be goodbye, I'll see you later. To Be Continued.....