Just Happened

I stare at the patterns on the ceiling, my chin resting in my hand. When some of the shapes come together, they form perfect flowers. Interesting. Designing something like that must be complicated. “Ahem. Ahem.” Professor George clears his throat, snapping me back to reality. “Miss Adams.” I look up. He’s staring at me over the rim of his glasses. “I hope you’re thinking about the answer to the question I just asked the class.” “Huh? Oh. Yeah. Of course.” Shit. I have absolutely no idea what he asked. “And what conclusion did you come to?” Before I can sink any deeper into my own embarrassment, Mia gives me a little nudge from the seat behind me. She leans forward and whispers, “The importance of ethics in the workplace.” Then she sits back like nothing happened. I smile. “Well, Professor… in my opinion, ethics in the workplace are essential. After all, what are ethics if not the set of values that allows us to coexist as a civilized society?” Silence. Professor George stares at me for a few seconds. “Very good, Adams.” A pause. “Now, do try not to get so distracted. I know it must be difficult being one of the popular students who’ll be graduating soon.” The sarcasm practically drips from every word. “Yes, Professor.” The bell rings before I can come up with an even worse response. Mia winks at me. Luckily, she’s always there to save me. I shove my notebooks into my backpack and stand. Then I feel a hand on my bare shoulder. Warm. I look up. Gray eyes. Jason Abernathy. One of the popular guys in my class. A close friend. And my crush for years. “You were really distracted today, Jessica. Everything okay?” “What? Oh… yeah. I’m fine.” I touch my forehead. “I think I might be coming down with something.” Jason smiles. “Hope you feel better, pretty girl.” Then he catches a strand of hair that slipped loose from my ponytail and gently tucks it behind my ear. My heart skips. “If you’re feeling better, we could go diving. You said you were curious about night diving, remember?” I’m curious about a lot of things… I open my mouth. Nothing. As usual. Jason gives me an amused smile and winks. “See you later, Jessica. Bye, Mia.” He walks past Mia and playfully tugs her ear. “Bye, handsome!” Mia blows him a kiss. Jason laughs and walks away with the rest of our group. I watch until they disappear. “See you,” I mumble. “Jessica. Seriously?” I turn around. Mia has her arms crossed. I sigh. Here we go again. “Go out with Jason. Have fun. Just the two of you. You’ve known each other forever. I know you like him—or at least you’re attracted to him.” “I don’t want to go out with someone just because he’s good-looking.” “That’s not the problem!” She points toward the door Jason just walked through. “The problem is that whenever a guy you actually like comes near you, you turn into a completely different person.” “What do you want me to do?” “Talk!” I laugh. “I’m trying.” “No. You overthink everything.” She’s right. I always overthink everything. I think before I speak. I think after I speak. And half the time, I end up saying nothing at all. Mia sits down in front of me. “Jessica, we’ve been friends for over ten years. I know there’s something going on.” “There’s nothing going on.” “Then tell me why you’ve never given yourself a chance to flirt with a guy. Even a little.” The question hits harder than I expected. Again. I look down. “I don’t know.” Mia stops smiling. “You’ve never felt butterflies? Never wanted to be with someone?” I shake my head. “Not like that.” “Not even with Jason?” I look at her. “Jason is…” I trail off. “Jason is what?” “Perfect.” Mia smiles. “Oh.” “What?” “Nothing.” “Mia.” “I’m just saying, you don’t call a guy perfect if you feel absolutely nothing for him.” “I’m not in love with him!” Her laughter fills the classroom. “Jessica, you’ve been looking at him like he’s the last man on Earth for years.” “Because he’s handsome.” “Uh-huh.” “And nice.” “Uh-huh.” “And funny.” “Uh-huh.” “Shut up!” Mia raises both hands. “Fine. Then answer one thing.” She leans toward me. “Why have you never really let a guy get close to you?” I don’t have an answer. And that bothers me. Because I know she has a point. I’m an adult. I have a stable life. I have friends. I have goals. And yet, when it comes to love… I have absolutely nothing. No relationship. No experience. I don’t even know what being in love is supposed to feel like. I should like Jason that way. He’s handsome, kind, funny. I’ve known him for years. I feel safe with him. What else am I supposed to need? Mia watches me for a few seconds. “You know what I think?” “What?” “I think you’re scared.” I frown. “Scared of what?” “Feeling something you can’t control.” I fall silent. For once, I don’t have a clever response. Or maybe I’m just tired of coming up with one. Because a tiny part of me suspects she might be right. Later, we head back to our apartment. Mia goes straight to her room to grab the clothes she needs to wash. I walk into mine and collapse onto the bed. Silence wraps around me. I stare at the ceiling. Again. I think about Jason. All these years of friendship and closeness. The easy flirting. The sweetness between us. His smile. That little snort-laugh he makes when he pinches my cheek like I’m a baby. The times he’s held my hand. The way he rests his head on my shoulder. But… He’s sweet and affectionate with all his female friends. Dakota. Mia. Alexandra. He’s just a little gentler with me. Like when he pats me on the head as if I’m a little girl. Maybe he doesn’t even like me that way. I close my eyes. Maybe Mia is right. Maybe I think too much. I open my eyes. “What the hell is wrong with me?” My phone vibrates. An iCloud memory. A picture of my friends and me during our freshman year of college. Mia is squeezed between Dylan and Tyler, both of them hugging her. Alexandra and Nick are watching the whole spectacle with matching looks of annoyance. Dakota and I are each holding one of Jason’s arms. A question slips into my mind. Do I actually like Jason? Or do I just like the idea of the perfect guy? How am I supposed to know if I really like him? Another notification appears. Jason: So, blondie… night diving?