The Days I Wanted To Die

Two

Turning Point

The strong smell of disinfectant filled her senses. Although her body is still sore from the night before, Gen gathered all her strength and muster the sweetest smile she can. The glass door opened before her and she was greeted by the old guard whom she had conversations often.

"Good Morning, Gen. Visiting your mother?" The old guard, Mr. Sanchez, greeted her. "You look tired my child, here have some bread." He offered her a small muffin wrapped in aluminum foil.

Gen smiled then shook her head. No matter how hungry she is, she doesn't want to take something from the old man. She perfectly know that he's saving it for his lunch. How could she possibly eat it without feeling guilty?

She gently pushed the bread back to Mr. Sanchez.

"It's okay, I already grabbed a bite before coming here." Gen lied. Mr. Sanchez nodded in response and took the bread back inside his pocket. "You save it for later. I'll see you later, Mr. Sanchez." She waived at the old guard.

Gen then went to the elevator and as she passed by the nurse's station, several of them greet her. They all remember her, she is after all a regular visitor of that ward. In the last three years of her visits, she already witnessed nurses resigning after another. They also changed the head nurse as well as the hospital's Director. All in the span of three years. Somehow, she would try to remember the very first day they arrived at the hospital, but it seemed vague and well-hidden far behind her memory.

The only thing she can recall is how tight her mother held her hand that day and how scared she felt to visit the doctor. It was just after her very own hospitalization due to dengue and she was afraid that something is wrong with her, that's why the doctor wanted to see her again. She just kept on pestering her mother on leaving.  She wanted badly to go back home, she cried so hard but her mother then smiled at her and assured her that there was nothing to worry about. 

Well she was wrong.

Gen felt stupid that she did not even notice the failing health of her mother. She was so focused on her own little world that she forgot about her aging mother. Not until it was too late. She's slowly loosing her mother. It was a race of time.

When she reached her mother's room, Gen slowly slid the door. Trying her best not to make any sound. Unlike the whole hospital, her mother's room smells like that of an orange. The fresh zest greeted he,r mixed with the cool air outside. She shook her head when she found her mother peacefully sleeping while holding a half opened orange. Gen then lightly walks toward the window and closed it shut. It is in the middle of September and the wind already screams winter. Her mother loved the cold breeze just as much as she loves oranges. She would often tell her that winter and oranges feels like home to her. It's nostalgic.

Gen did not argue with her, besides oranges are good for her mother who undergoes chemotherapy. As what the doctor told her, oranges helps protect against anemia, the common side effect of chemo. 

She sits down on an empty chair beside her mother and gently took the orange from her hand but being a light sleeper, her mother opened her eyes weakly and  tried her best to scan the room. 

"Gen?" Her mother asked, her voice almost breaking. 

Genevieve tried to sound cheerful, "Hi Mom."

Their eyes met and in an instant, her mother's eyes turned into curves. "What are you doing here, sweetheart. Don't you have your work today?"

"Not until six in the evening so I decided to see you first."

"Did Pink drive you here?"

Gen nodded. Her mother tried to sit up but her thin arms are no help at all. Alarmed by it, Gen quickly got up to her feet and helped her mother sit comfortably. She adjusted the pillow behind her mother's back and then brush away some of the loose hair on her face. Her mother smiled. 

"Have they fall out yet?" Her mother asked, pertaining to the thin group of hair remaining attached to her scalp. 

Gen gently nodded, "You're still very pretty, Mom. Don't worry." She smiled. 

It was just months ago when they thought that her mother was getting better. Her hair started to grow just after three weeks of finishing her last session of chemo, Gen remembers that day clearly. They were happily talking in that very same room while waiting for the discharge papers. They were taking notes of the things they would try once they got out of the hospital. Her mother said that she wanted to go to the amusement park and at that very instant, Gen purchased two tickets online. They even planned on staying until rhe closing time and eating all the junkfoods that they can find. And on the first time since her mother was hospitalized, Gen felt genuinely excited.

But their short-lived happiness died when the doctor came back all sullen, he was holding not the discharge papers but the test result. The news came down to them like a nuke, her mother's fight against cancer isn't over. The cancer came back, well they never left technically, but the results that came in that day revealed that her mother's cancer came back more aggressive. 

She wanted to die that day, in place of her mother. When Genevieve saw how her mother cried so much that day, she asked God for a miracle. It was new to her as she is not a very religious person. She silently pray while her mother weeps. She prayed that God won't take her mother just yet. Not yet. 

"You look tired, have you had any sleep?"

Gen smiled at her mother, she does feel drained the past few weeks.

"I'm okay Mom, just been very busy with work."

"Do you have a lot of customers lately?" Her mother asked then looked at the window outside. "Well I guess people are finding time off of their schedule. It will be Christmas in a few months."

"What do you want for this Christmas?"

"I only wish for one thing love."

Her mother would want to be discharge. Gen thought to herself. It's also her wish, after all.

Gen smiled to her mother who is now looking at her affectionately, as though she is memorizing each details of her face. It made Gen feel weird.

"I wish for my sweet sweet daughter to always be happy."

"Mom. . ."

Later her visit, Gen waved goodbye to her mother. Her shift starts in the evening until Three in the morning. She works as a server to one of the most popular fine dinning restaurant in the city. It usually opens until dawn as favor to famous actors who cannot go out during the day in fear of fans mobbing them.

Gen like her shift. It wasn't too hot or too noisy. Less people dine in very late and then they immediately leave after finishing their meal. Not to mention the tips she get. Politicians do not tip big, unless they dine in with their mistresses, where she receives huge sum of tip is from actors who would like to show off to their dates.

"Gen! Are you alright?" Jenna- her coworker came up to her and helped her to balance her body. "You look really pale, are you sure you're okay?"

"Y-yeah. I just felt dizzy." She answered. She checked her watch and she only have ten minutes 'till her shift is over.

Jenna looked at her, checking if she really is okay as she told her.

"Well if you need someone to cover your shift, just tell me. I'll get you some water."

Gen nodded weakly. Jenna came back with the water, with their manager in tow. She quickly got the water from her friend in finished it in three gulps.

Color starting to show in her face.

"Gen you know you can rest, hun?" Their manager told her. "Don't worry we got this. You go home alright."

She stood up and shook her head.

"I am okay now, I only have a few minutes left. I'll finish my shift."

"You sure, hun?"

She nodded. "Yes Ma'am."

Gen got back to her shift, she got her tray and roam around the restaurant. A few people are still dining, some of them are familiar to her. She must have seen them on TV.

A hand called up her attention and she quickly went to the table.

A young guy smiled at her, his brown eyes smiling at him behind those glasses. A dimple on the right side of his cheek flashed at her. She haven't seen that handsome face before, that guy must be new to town.

"Yes, Sir?" Gen greeted politely. "Is there anything I can assist you with?"

"Hi . . .Genevieve." The guy said reading her name tag. "I think the steak is a little raw, I actually ordered a well done."

She looked at the steak and noticed that it was a medium rare. She quickly got the plate and bowed her head slightly.

She flashed her apologetic smile.

"I am terribly sorry, Sir. Let me bring you a different one."

"Thank you, Gen." He smiled at her.

Gen suddenly felt her heart jumping. It was beating fast and loud against her chest. Bewildered by her feelings, she quickly turn and started to walk back to the kitchen.

But a few steps after, her world spun and she was consumed by darkness.

__

Gen woke up and she immediately smell the scent of disinfectant all around her. She scan the room to find Pink at the foot of the hospital bed whispering to the doctor, who in return, whispers at her friend.

Confused, Gen called her friend. Her voice weak and low.

"How are you?" Pink quickly held her hand and smiled at her.

"What. . . happened?"

"Uhm . . ."

Pink's gaze turned to the doctor beside her. They both have worried looks on their faces. Gen's heart started to race and questions started to flood her mind.

Is something wrong with her?

Is she sick too?

Gen looked at Pink, frightened by what her friend was about to say. Pink move in closer and wrapped her arms on her shoulder. Pink stayed silent and with that, she already knew the answer.

She started to cry. Tears streamed down her cheeks and her heart slowly breaking. Pink tried to console her but couldn't find the right words to say so she stayed quiet.

She looked at the doctor beside her, convincing herself that what she is just over-reacting.

"I'm not pregnant, right?"

". . . You are, exactly two months."

She cried some more. How could this happen to her? It was only one night! How can she face her mother? How can she get the money for giving birth? She couldn't even save enough money for her mother's treatment, let alone for a baby!

How can she raise the baby?

"Hush now, Gen. I am here." Pink tried to console her. She turned to face her friend and Pink gently wipe her tears. "I am here, okay? I will help you. Don't worry."

"I-I do-don't know w-what to do." Gen sobbed.

Pink, now crying, kissed her on the forehead and wrapped her arms around her shoulder once more. Her tears could not stop coming down, she felt her heart breaking. The air inside the room thinning by the second, she couldn't breath. She felt dizzy.

"We'll figure everything out, we are here for you." Pink assured her, then she closes her eyes. . . And everything went black.

*****