The Days I Wanted To Die

One

Why I wanted to die.

Chapter One

~

Patter. . .Patter

I lay down on my back and rested an arm across my face. I listened to the sound coming from the shower. The water's running non-stop. The smell of soap and minty shampoo lingers the air.

I shivered.

A tear escaped from my eye and it went down through my cheek until it reached the pillow and was absorbed. There's no use in crying, Gen. I told myself. This will be over soon. It's just one night.

Yes. It's just one night. How bad can a feelingless s*x be? They are just the same. A night with a total stranger. You just have to get it over with, Gen. This is a matter of life and death. Your mother's life depends on what you're about to do.

"You're brave. . .you're brave. . ." I repeatedly whispered to myself as I clutch the bed sheet. "One night, Gen. For Mom."

As tears stream down my face, I felt a cold air run through my body. I got up and sat on the bed, hugging my knees. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't take being touched my someone whom I barely know!

But this is the only way to earn a decent amount of money. I am just a college student. I don't earn enough money from my part-time job. I don't have any savings account. I already sold my phone. Pawned my jewelries and stole. But it wasn't enough. The money I gathered wasn't enough for my Mom's everyday medicine and chemotherapy. I need to earn more for my mother to survive. I want to see her smile again. I want her to cook for me, to take care of me. I wanted my Mom back.

I don't want her to leave me. She's the only family that I have.

I heard a screeching sound from the shower and the sound of the water stops. I immediately dried my tears and took a deep breath.

"You just have to toughen up," I whispered.

As the door of the bathroom opens, my heart beats faster and faster. It felt like running. I could feel the cold coming from my hands and feet. I started to shake little by little.

A man emerges from the shower with a white towel covering his lower body. He was a bit chubby and looked like he was on his early fifties. He went to the table near the bed where I was sitting up and got a stick of cigarette. He lit it up and started to smoke  inside the room.

At least he has the decency to shower first. I reminded myself as I recall what Pink told me about her customers who couldn't even wash their bodies first.

I followed the smoke and looked up, of course there is no smoke detector in a cheap motel.

He saw me looking at him and he smirked. I felt my inside turned. He has this dirty look plastered all over his face. As he roamed his eyes allover my almost naked body I can see a mixture of lust and disgust.

I felt harassed by just his stares so I slowly got the pillow beside me and covered my body with it. I saw him grin wider.

"You're Genevieve, right?" He asked as he put out his cigarette. "What a pretty name." He added.

It didn't feel as a compliment at all. I felt violated by him by just merely saying my name. I saw him move closer to me. I wanted to get out. I wanted to run as fast as I could, as far as my feet can take me just to escape that cruel place.

But I couldn't. I shouldn't.

I flinched when I felt his hand brushed against my neck. He slowly traced my collarbone and the edges of my face using his index finger.

"Relax, Genevieve." He whispered near my ear, fear crept into my whole system as I smell the cigarette from his breath. "I will be gentle." He added as he slid his wrinkly hand under my top and it rested on one of my boobs. I felt his lips touched the crooked of my neck that sent shivers down my spine.

And with that, I closed my eyes. I closed my eyes to the things I've done. I just prayed and prayed that it will be over soon. That the nightmare will end and I could go home with my Mom.

But I never thought, that soon I would be closing my heart as well.

*****

The next morning, I woke up with a sore body. Everything hurts. My head was spinning. My body felt heavy. I saw red marks all over my body. From my neck down to the sensitive parts of my body. Not an inch spared by that man. He claimed my body in each of his sloppy kisses.

Gently I slid down the bed and wrapped the sheet all over my body. My movements slow and careful. I glanced at the bed and saw blood all over it.

I closed my eyes shut and took a deep breath. Trying to remind myself that it wasn't that important. That even without it, I am still who I am. I am still a woman worthy of respect. I was just caught in a situation I couldn't escape even if I wanted to.

"What's the problem, Gen? It's not like you're gonna be a virgin your whole life. It's just a matter of time." I reminded herself, trying to lighten my burden. "You just lost it early, that's it. Everyone's doing it, there's nothing to be ashamed of."

Taking little steps, I eventually reached the bathroom. The doorknob felt icy against my palm. I turned it and was greeted by the warm air inside the room. I left the bed sheet outside and stepped inside naked.

Hot tears started to escape my eyes, slowly at first until I found myself lying on the bathroom tiles, hugging my body. I lost myself.

I already lose the only thing that I have. My only pride. I felt so dirty.

Disgusted with myself, I got the soap from the counter and scrubbed it hard against my bare body. I even got the unused towel and scrubbed and scrubbed until I can feel grazing on my skin and there was a sting.

But I did not care. I just continued what I was doing until I felt my body collapsed from exhaustion.

I felt disgusted at first, then followed by fear until there is nothing left to feel. I felt numb. I hated myself.

"Hey b***h!"

I was greeted by Pink on the motel's parking lot. My body's still sore so I take my time walking. When I opened the passenger's door, her hot pink hair almost blinded me. It was spiky and yet seemed soft. Pink's trademark was her hair.

Her heart shape face beamed at me while her eyes almost disappeared when she smiled. She's wearing a magenta lipstick that was too bright and always attracts attention. And she has this glow around her.

"Hey girl," Pink greeted and gave me a smack on my cheek. "How did it go huh? Did you get a shimmy shimmy last night?" She asked as she plastered a naughty grin on her lips.

Pink was the one who introduced me to the world of paid s*x. She was basically the pimp. It was also my fault as I was the one who asked her where to earn money. I never knew that I would ever be so desperate and accepted her offer.

I settled myself and fasten my seat belt. "This will be the first and last time, Pink." I said firmly without glancing at her.

She was silent for a minute.

"But why?!" Pink's getting hysterical. "You earned a lot of money last night. This is a good job."

I shot daggers at her. "No Pink. This is not a good kind of job. I felt like I just sold a piece of me last night! It felt so dirty!"

"But you will learn to accept it eventually. I too, felt disgusted but I learned to not care."

I looked at the road in front of us and heaved out a sigh. "I am not a w***e, Pink." I whispered.

She started the engine. "You're no saint either." Pink said and the whole ride back to my place became quiet and heavy. I felt guilty with the last words I told Pink.

She's still my friend and she means no harm. I asked her to help me and when she did, I was the one acting as an ungrateful b***h.

She pulled over when we arrived at my house. I turned to her as I carefully removed the seat belt. "I'm sorry Pink. I didn't mean what I said."

Pink looked at me and sigh. "I know, Gen. It just hurts when my best friend belittles me or my job." 

"Hey I do not!"

Pink smiled at me and in an instant, I felt a fang of guilt shot through my heart. My eyes softened. "I'm sorry . . ." I apologized with all sincerity. Pink nodded and smiled.

But what I said was true, I do not belittle her as a person. I admire her. Pink is one of the most courageous person that I know. She does everything so her brothers and sisters would have something to eat. She'd tell me that it doesn't matter if she's the one doing all the dirty work, as long as her siblings wouldn't follow on her path.

But I just wished that there could be more to what Pink does. She's smart, caring and really beautiful. A girl like her should not be treated like a disposable cup.

"I'll see you later," I said and gently closed the car door.

Pink smiled as she rolled out the window. "I'll be back in two, I'll drive you to the hospital."

I nodded at her and waved as she drove away.