NOT Your GUARDIAN

CONCLUSION

I want a Love so powerful it can drag me to hell or

take me back to earth..

That kind of love that can kill me and bring me back to life at the same time.

I want that kind of love.

***Sasi***

**********

It was a tranquil afternoon in a park I hardly recognized.

Soft breeze fanned my face as I ran into the grassy grounds. My straight hair bounced up and down my head and the afternoon sunlight felt good upon my skin. I ran after the bouncing red ball, straining my tiny legs to go and catch it before anyone else does, though no one here was going after it except me.

"Nattarin! Be careful! you might trip and hurt yourself, you clumsy dwarfie!."

I stopped on my tracks instantly after hearing the teasing tone. Forgetting about the ball, I turned to look behind me towards the boy who dared speak such mean words at me.

"But phi..Nattarin is not a dwarfie. I'm a big girl now."

"Says who? Look at how tiny you are. Just like a dwarf."

"My mom said I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself."

"No, you are Dwarfie..Nattie dwarfie. little Moon is a dwarfie."

After teasing, the boy who was taller than me ran away, laughing like a meanie clown. I got pissed so hard that I ran after him instead, planning to poke his eyes with the lollipop candy gripped tightly in my hands.

"If I catch you I'll poke your eyes.. Phi.. Phi Muew!"

------------------------------------------------

I jolted as I felt myself woke up before I even opened my eyes. That's weird, what was little Raki doing inside my dream? And why was his name...ugh right, Muewarrat..

Maybe, I missed him so much I began to unconciously wander into the crazy realm.

I sat up, feeling still a bit drowsy.

I looked around the white painted room, instantly forgetting about the weird dream.

The afternoon sunlight came thru the blinds of the glass panelled windows, I wonder what time was it. I found Jiro sitting in the corner couch, his arm casted and bondaged in a sling.

He might've taken the injury from saving my ass today. But where are the others?

I wonder if he's badly hurt because of me.

He fell asleep while sitting, his body was slouched in a way that it looked painful to me.

I realized that I was in a hospital bed, from the smell of the disinfectant in the air. I hate this smell, it's suffocating.

I tried to move my hand slowly, my legs and my entire body to check if I have been injured or what ever and it seemed like I'm fine.

But, why do I need to be brought in the hospital?

Jiro needs to rest in a bed.

.I sighed a deep breath and slowly got off the bed. I walked over to the sleeping man and tapped his leg.

"Jiro.."

He instantly opened his eyes and looked around.

"You should sleep on the bed. What happened?"

"Miss..N-no..I'm fine here..How are you feeling?."

"How could you ask me, when obviously you are the one needing medication so badly? I insist you sleep on the bed..I am fine. What happened to your arm?"

The last time I saw him it was fine.

"I..a-a bullet grazed my shoulder while saving you from the kidnappers."

"Kidnappers? Ow, I remembered someone jumping on me. Are you really okay? That looks painful."

I cringed, looking at his sling.

"Yes I'm fine, no sweat. Your safety is my priority."

"Thank you so much for saving me today, I'll ask my dad to give you a raise."

I said jokingly but inside my chest, warmth touched my cold heart. Even though I am a bit awkward towards him, I couldn't thank him enough for saving me today.

"Oh please, that's not necessary, Im only doing my job."

"What do you want in return then?..Tell me, I might have a way to grant it."

"Well, if you insist. Could you please turn on your gps? It makes our job easier."

He said and smiled, scratching at the back of his head.

"Oh right, I'm so sorry about that. I will make sure to keep that in mind. By the way, where are the others?hat's all? Does my parents know I am here? Where are they? "

The thoughts of earlier event came flooding my memory, and it brought shivers down my spine that I want to be hugged by my mom right now.

Me being drugged like that might have been a very well thought out plan. What could someone possibly want with me? Are they after my money?.My parent's money?

Dad said the problem has been solved, but what was that earlier?

"Er- yes, your mom is talking with your attending physician, and your dad is in the next room checking up on Captain-"

He stopped talking right away when he realized what he was saying.

My eyebrows wrinkled upon hearing those words. My heart skipped, and my breath hitching a bit.

"Did I hear it right? Raki is here? W-why?"

He fell silent and bowed his head, cursing under his breath. I knew something was off.

"Jiro, answer me! Is Raki here?"

I couldn't help but to feel agitated from the idea of seeing that man again. I need an answer, now.

What the actual f**k is happening?

"Y-yes, he's next door."

I bolted out the door in a second, never minding if he came after me or not.

My legs seemed to move on their own, my heart was beating painfully inside my chest and my palms got sweaty. There was only one sentence that kept repeating on my head.

Raki is here..that f*****g bastard is here!

The nerve!

I opened the door to the next room with so much force it nearly broke down.

But I saw the two individuals standing near the bed instead, my father and an older man with silver hairs shown at his temple that looked exactly like Raki. But what caughty full attention was the one lying down on the bed.

The bastard.

I stormed into the room without hesitation, my target locked on the one with a bondage on his head and a cast on his left leg..

Wait, .. what??!

I stopped in between my father and the older man.

My feet seemed to lost their reason for stomping heavily into the quiet room as my chest tight with apprehension.

Raki! you moron!.where have you been? Are you okay.? What are you doing in this hospital?..I missed you..A lot..

I wanted to ask him so many questions that came bombarding my mind the instant my eyes landed on his f*****g ashen-but still-gorgeous face. I want to tell him how much I missed his asshole smugness. But the memory of his painful rejection sat unmoving in my chest. I thought I had moved on from the pain, but the truth was, it never left.

I roamed my eyes on his pale cheeks, his eyes that I missed staring at so damn much, and the way he looked back at me as if I am the most beautiful woman that has ever walked the earth. The curve of his nose, his narrow lips with stubbles on the sides. His adam's apple that danced up and down.

Why was everything about him so arousing?

Then my eyes fell into his exposed chest through the half-opened front of his hospital gown. I gulped a couple of times as my gaze was fixed on his bulky muscled chest. Right there and then, I would've given everything in my bank account just to touch that if it were not for the scandalous screaming of my inner self.

Get a hold of yourself, i***t! He rejected you remember? He doesn't want anything to do with you.

My heart started to beat frantically, just by looking at him. His effect on my system whenever I am in his presence never ceased to amaze me.

I craved his touch on my body.

I felt all my blood rushed downwards and my slit was moisten.

How could he turn me into a s*x-deprived w***e in an instant? In the presence of my father, for christ's sake!

"Sasi, you are awake. How are you feeling?"

My father broke my line of thoughts with the obvious question.

"Phor, I am fine. umm. W-What are we doing here?"

Glancing at my father he looked ashen and stressed. Soft stubbles lined at the base of his jaws.

"Earlier, you were kidnapped by unknown men, and thanks to Raki and some woman who happened to be in the area, you were saved. We already reported the incident to the authority and they are now on the hunt for the culprits. Do you remember anything? Have you seen their faces?"

Phor's voice was a little shaky, I've never seen him this emotional before.

He held me by my shoulder in a tight grip and I could feel his tension. My left eyebrow lifted upon hearing the answer to my silent question.

So, you happen to be in the area huh?

"Phor, I..I'm sorry I made you worry about me but no, I didn't get to see the- wait...THEM? I remembered only one. A black hooded man."

Surprised, my eyes widened and unpleasant thoughts run wild into my brain. The things they could've done to me make my vision blurry with fear.

"Yes, according to the police there were 7 of them, they caught two and the rest got away. And no my princess, worrying about you is my job as your father. I will see to it that this won't happen again. Or else, your mother might really divorce me this time."

He snorted a dry laugh, though I know deep inside that he has been worried sick about me.

"By the way, this is Mr. Boon Suttinut, Raki's father."

I threw a glance at the older man and gave a wai in respect. Even though I have a hunch that he was Raki's relative, knowing that he was the father made me a bit more ruffled.

"Nice to meet you, sir. How are you?"

My voice was small and a bit awkward. How am I supposed to act in front of his father?

"You are so beautiful in person dear!I've seen you on Tv. You've grown into a very fine young woman. You did a good job as a father Alex. Anyway, please be careful next time. I will help with my utmost capacity to catch those who did this."

Mr. Suttinut said to my father, tapping his shoulders, while my eyes darted back to Rakk who was looking at me fiercely. His eyes were glassy. Filled with desire, different emotions swimming into his darkened orbs.

Why do I felt like you want me too?, really bad..but still you're holding back? hiding behind a stupid lame excuses..why Raki?

He kept silent, unable to find his voice but never looked away.

I wanted to caress his face right now, to ease that worried expression off his face, but I held my place. Three feet away from his bed. My inner self has no plans of letting me get closer, not a chance.

Then suddenly, my mother came rushing through the opened door. Jiro behind her, and Dr. Karla.

"Sasi! my darling..how are you? Why are you here and not in your room? I nearly collapsed when Bester called me!.my god honey, why do you always make mae worried?"

She embraced me into a very tight hug and I hugged back in return, feeling guilty over my inept.

"I'm so sorry mae, don't worry about me too much. I'm a big boy now. Besides, I'm safe. and that's all that matters, isn't it?"

Coaxing her would be very difficult.

"Oh my, you really are a bunch. Let's go to your room, I fetched Dr. Karla to check on you. Dad, Mr. Suttinut, we'll go for now, please look after Raki for me-- Oh..you are awake! Raki are you okay now?"

As if she noticed just now that Raki was sitting up and gawking at us.

"I'm fine ma'am thank you so much."

Came his deep husky voice, that I couldn't help but inhaled sharply. The memory of that same voice whispering sweet nothings to my ear sends shivers after shivers of nostalgia. I didn't think I could survive another minute, inhaling the same air that he breathed in the confinement of this room. I need to get away now.

Mae walked closer to the bed and lightly gave Raki a hug. She caressed his face and in a teary eyes she said,

"Thank you so much for saving my daughter. I really owe you a lot. Please ask me anything that you want, I will grant you as far as I can."

Before Raki could even answer, I reached for mae's elbow.

"We should go mae. I want to rest."

I bowed slightly towards the two standing men and without taking my hands off her, she guided me slowly towards the door as my eyes left Raki one last look.

We left him there looking stunned as hell.

Later Assbleephole.. I shall get my answers later. That's a promise.

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"Open your eyes wide Sasi, look up..down..sideways..okay."

Dr. Karla instructed me as she checked my eyes. She's been checking my vitals for quite a while now and I admit I'm not paying too much attention. Just answering what ever questions she asked and doing what ever she wanted.

Lin was also here, sitting on the nearby couch with mae. I guess she came with mom from a taping, judging from the make up kits that sat beside her feet. She smiled at me and I managed a shy wave as a reply. I haven't seen her for a while since we get back to Thailand and I make a mental note to send her a thank you gift for the hospitality.

Jiro is now sleeping on the bed opposite mine after the doctor gave him sleeping pills. I requested for another extra bed for him as he stubbornly declined the offer to rest on a different room, saying he's fine and he must protect me at all times.

Daniels and Jose' were also wounded and was staying on the next room on the right of mine.

Raki was right about his team being overly loyal and attentive. Despite the fact that they might have died protecting me, which was quite unsettling, I couldn't deny that I felt safer with them around. The man needs rest but denies himself even the comfort of a private room. What a total weirdo.

"Do you feel dizzy or nauseous?"

Dr. Karla's words brought me back in attention.

"No doc, I'm feeling totally fine."

I said softly.

"Call me Karla please. Now, how do you feel? your emotions I mean? You feel any traces of panic? How about fear or anxiety around other people?"

"Uhmm, quite a bit. I'm fine with a couple of individuals around but everytime I thought about what could have happened to me, I start to feel the tingles in my fingertips."

I slightly shuddered at the statement as she took my right hand and gently massaged it, applying pressure to the webbing between my thumb and index finger that instantly calmed my nerves. That was soothing.

"Whenever you feel that tingles, do this, and take a slow, steady deep breaths for a minute or two. This might help to distract you from your thoughts. For now, I suggest you stay here for a while and I'll come back in two days to check if it is safe for you to go back to work."

She touched my shoulders gently then guides me to lay back down on the bed, adjusting the pillow behind my head.

"Take a rest, no gaming for two days. Mobile games are banned. If you don't have anymore concerns, I'll take my leave then. Call me if anything comes to your mind, okay?"

She smiles tenderly at me, putting her stethoscope inside her bag as I smiled back timidly nodding my head.

"Yes Karla, thank you."

---------------------------------------------------

The night came and my perturbation got the best out of me. I couldn't seem to settle in my bed, restlessness was now my best friend. Mae and phor left for home earlier, leaving me with a private nurse to attend to my needs and two police security officers stationed outside my door.

Jiro who was having no trouble sleeping at all, have been asleep since three in the afternoon and if I haven't known better that he's been exhausted and needed the rest so much, I might get worried for him.

It's ten pm already and the stillness of the room makes my mind wander into the man next door. I really want to see him, to talk to him. Ask these unanswered questions. To embrace him, feel him. Kiss him.

What the hell?!

I should feel angry towards him, not the other way around.

I wanted to think nothing of it. I tried hard but I really couldnt sleep. Not with the knowledge of Raki resting on the other side of this white walled room. He was there finally, after two months of disappearance. All I wanted to do was to pull him into my arms, accept all possible explanations he might give me and forget about the pain he have left me with.

I came to the realization that even if he didn't love me back, I would accept it. I'm a woman, I am designed to be a patient lover and so I will.

I'll make him fall in love with me. That wasn't hard to do right? I could seduce him!

Setting aside all my doubts and fears, I decided upon this. Thinking about it and weighing my indignation against my longingness towards the man, I knew that I have lost to it.

I let out a deep sigh of frustration..How I wish it was that easy.

I was in a deep thought when suddenly, I heard a loud bang coming from the next room. It sounded like a glass jar dropping into the floor, shattering into tiny pieces.

My awareness snapped in attention, looking at Jiro who's soundly sleeping. I get off the bed then headed for the door. My every steps accurate, brisk and impulsive. Only one person was in my mind.

Raki.

He is alone, and his leg is casted.

He might need me.

Fuck with hesitations. f**k the pain. f**k it all.

Nervousness swam all over me as I made my way towards the room next door, shoving thru the two police officers who blocked me halfway. I just stared at them blankly, raises a brow then they amazingly allow me to pass.

A white shattered flower vase on the floor greeted me upon entering Raki's yellow walled room. He was also on the floor beside the scattered medium sized sun flowers, gripping his leg in pain.

"What happened?!"

He looked up at me, bewilderment instantly clouding his eyes as I made my way towards him.

"Sasi.."

"What in the world of brainless stupidity are you doing on the floor?"

I spat, squatting infront of his sprawled figure.

"W-what are you doing here?"

"In case you have forgotten, I'm in the next room. I heard the crashing sound and came to check out if you're already dead or what."

He smiled annoyingly.

"Oh..you're worried about me?"

I gritted my teeth and cursed silently.

I grab his arm, putting it around my shoulders then jerked up to help him stand.

"Worried my foot! I'm just so excited to find your dead body!"

He hold on to me as he sat back on the bed.

"Aow, no need to go verbal about it. I could clearly see how you managed to get here faster than the nurses. So, thank you for thinking about my safety."

He looked up at me, his eyes dancing in amusement and I felt my blood crept up my face and ears. I'm rendered speechless. I know my face was blushing so hard right now so I retorted with more cursing.

"f**k you! Stop playing with me."

"Yeah, f**k me."

"Yes!..Wa-wait what?"

"Come on..fuck me..I missed you so much baby.."

His eyes hooded with tiny specs of lust left me gaping at him in shock.

Huh?

Again I am speechless, didn't know what to reply, or how to answer that. I couldn't seem to find the right words.

Gawking at him like a total wierdo, he reached out to hold both of my hands and gently squeezes it.

"I'm kidding, actually I want to talk to you since earlier this morning. But the doctors, my dad and your parents kept me busy. Just now, I plan to have a visit to your room but when I stood up, I forgot that I have injured my leg and the sudden pain got me stumbling down. I tried to grab into the bed but I tipped the vase instead, that's what happened."

He explained, still looking up at me. Hazel brown orbs met my gaze. His face was warm and glowing despite the obvious stubles and dark circles around his eyes that seemed to irk the hell out of my thoughts.

I wanted to reach for his face, caress it, feel his skin against my palm. But I denied myself the pleasure of touching him. If I touched him right now, I might succumb to my unwelcomed feelings again.I might get rejected. Again.

I don't see you in a romantic way..

The words haunted me, and it resonated through my veins, reflecting in my eyes. Or worse, he might accept it and take advantage of my feelings to use me for his selfish benefits. How am I going to deny him of something that my body also yearns for? I am disgusted with myself for feeling this way.

I must not be swayed. I must not unless I have made it sure enough that he liked me too the way that I liked him.

I was about to open my mouth and start a cursing spree, when Raki started talking instead.

"I don't know where to begin, but first, let me tell you how much I've missed you."

His arms encircled my waist and wraps me in a very tight hug, it almost broke my bones. I could feel his warmth against my body as I stood rigidly between his open legs. His wildly beating heart thumping heavily against my chest. I felt his hand gently caressed my nape to the hollow of my back.

"I missed you so much Sasi, it almost drove me insane."

The tremor in his voice got past my walls of denial. I could feel his emotions rushing like waves of the ocean. And I'm drowning in my own inclination.

"I missed your voice, I missed your scent, I missed even your cold cursing mouth. I would be lost for words if I tell you in details everything that I've missed about you, so let me just tell you that I missed feeling alive, coz to me you are..my life."

I felt a shiver passed down my body, and I knew for an instant that the psychopath in my brain has been activated..I swear to god I want to strangle his smooth neck.

You are so f*****g dead meat!

"How dare you!"

I jerked him away from me, pushing his broad shoulders.

"How dare you say you missed me?! After all the things you've said? After leaving without even saying goodbye? How dare you?!"

The anger that has been buried deep within me surfaced like a raging fire.

"But you fired me, right? how am I suppose to say goodbye to you, knowing you never wanna see me again."

His eyes fell down into his lap. I fight the urge to go back into his arms and hold him.

"But..but you..you hurt me."

I barely whispered my reply. Feeling lost and confused, I stepped forward and sat beside him on the bed. My fingers fidgeting over my lap, our bodies a few inches apart. I am agitated at the moment, but I didn't want to keep a wide distance between us. I've had enough of distancing already.

He looked at me, bringing his left hand towards my forehead and started playing with the tangles of my hair. He sighed so deep I could hear his lungs humming.

"I'm sorry for saying stupid things. I know.. I've hurt you..But I have my reasons. One day, you will understand. Just trust me with this..hmm?"

His voice was soft like a sweet caress into my crazily beating heart.

My mind was so confused right now. What are we talking about? are we even talking about the same thing?

"I'm sorry I said about being curious and using you just to have fun or something like that. It's a lie. I never lied so hard like that time in my whole life. I know I said I don't like you in a romantic way even though we both know I can't keep my hands off of you. Im sorry. It's true though that I am smitten by your beauty, inside and out."

"W-what are you saying?"

"Sasi, I-"

His words got stopped by the sudden knock on the door, then a nurse in a pair of blue suit came in.

"Good evening sir, sorry for disturbance, but someone reported about a loud noise..ow..are you okay? what happened?"

Her eyes widened upon seeing the broken vase and flowers on the floor.

"Hi, uhm we're fine, I accidentally dropped the vase. Could you send someone to clean the mess please?"

Raki answered her while his arm encirled my waist to pull me closer, and tingles started to run across my back.

The nurse peeked outside and called someone, then a guy in white shirt came in holding a broom and a dust pan with a trolley. They left together hurriedly after cleaning the floor and bowed courteously, with us sitting there quietly like a pair of statues.

"So, where are we?"

Raki said looking back at me the same moment the door shuts close.

"I don't remember."

I murmured looking at him. Multiple emotions flowing out of my eyes. Confusion, exasperation, love and surrender.

"Baby, as much as I wanted to talk, can I make a request first instead?"

His eyes were glued on my lips, and heat came rushing through my blood. Giving me sweet tingles of hot passion igniting in it's every pump.

"Huh?"

"Can we talk later? for now, I want to taste you so bad.."

Wait, T-taste?

His face that was inches from me, came burrowing into the hollow of my neck inhaling my scent.

He scooped me closer into his chest, tenderly. Oh how I missed being hugged by him, surrounded by his masculine scent. Strong muscled arms linked around my waist that gave me enough feelings of security, safety and being treasured.

My mind was heady with sensation and overflowing emotions. This hug was mine. Only mine. Should be mine. I'll make sure of that.

Without a word, I broke free from the warmth of his embrace then pushed him towards the bed, straddling him between my legs. He fell back, half lying on the bed.

"I hate you. You make it seem so easy for you."

"What do you mean baby?"

"I applaud you okay.. you are good at putting me off, but I want an honest answer for once. Do you like me?Romantically, I mean."

I stared at him, impatiently waiting for his reply. My thundering heart seemed to burst out of my ribcage any moment now. I'm scared. Scared that I might lose my sanity if he rejected me again. I might not be able to take a second blow, it will be the death of me.

"I don't.."

Oh God..

"I mean, I don't just like you.. I love you Sasi, my baby..I love you..My moon..I loved you for the longest time possible..please forgive me for denying it the first time.."

He answered breathily and that's more than I could take.

He love me. Raki loves me.

Is this true? Am I dreaming?

He grabbed my waist and pulled me back to him, our foreheads touched and I closed my eyes to stop the tears that threatened to fall. I began to choke on my breathing.

Entwining my arms around his neck, I got a hold of his soft curls, tugging gently as my lips found his in the quickest way possible. Darting my tongue inside his soft mouth. I kissed him hungrily, never holding back.

The need to possess him vanquished all my insecurities. God, I missed this taste. The taste of mint and chocolates.

He kissed me back with such intensity, my skin buzzed in reply. His big hands enclosed my head, holding me in place as he sucked the life out of me. The sounds of our lips moving filled the quiet room. It felt so right. So good.

We kissed as if there's no tommorrow.

As if our lives depended on it. And stopping was not an option. Even if someone entered the room, I won't be able to stop. I couldn't stop.

I am so deep into the kiss, I didn't notice when did he move to get us into the middle of the bed and a thin curtain draped at the side, enclosing us from the world to see.

Eventually, it felt like kissing wasn't enough..

I stopped kissing him and looked straight into his passion clouded eyes. My lips were swollen, but I liked it. I liked the feeling of swell on any part of my body.

"I missed you too."

...to be continued.