Fated...?

One of the worst things about getting out of toxic relationships is that you never want to cross paths with the other person again. Even worse is when there's nothing to prevent that from happening. Such was my case. I hated Kaiden. I hated him because he made me feel worse about myself. But I hated myself more for giving him that chance against my instinct. I had thought that maybe my gut feeling was a delusion and that one should be given a fair chance. And that was where I was wrong. Perceptions are volatile as the person having them. So if my gut says this person is dangerous, irrespective of how it's for the world, they're going to be dangerous for me. That was the lesson I needed to learn... Maybe? Once I had decided that I didn't want him in my life anymore, that I didn't want to think about him anymore, nor shed tears over isolation, I only had to give him one more chance before I let go. But when you're studying in the same University, in the same class for one more year before graduation, you have to suck it up and face that you may not get the emotional space to move on just yet. Kaiden liked to pretend to be understanding. He was good at it, and I had fallen for it multiple times earlier. But I could now notice his real emotions even when I wanted to ignore his entire presence. That groan, that glare... And the weird feeling like I was in constant danger. I told a few friends that I didn't want to be alone, and they stayed close when I was away from classes or public areas. They attributed my request to my loneliness, which was fine by me. But my gut was telling me that danger was always lurking, even though I couldn't notice it just yet. ... Just yet. I was more guarded for the classes that ended at 9pm, but cared little for the ones scheduled from 6am to 8am on weekends. Mornings were supposed to be safer anyway. I couldn't have been more wrong. I had arrived by 5:30am as always, and the class was naturally empty at this point as it usually was. I climbed all the way to the farthest corner of the classroom. Others usually started arriving from 5 minutes to 6am, and I had the opportunity to settle myself in until they did. I plugged in my earphones and closed my eyes as my playlist surfed through some of the calmer tunes. It must've been barely 2 songs worth of time when I felt a touch on my hand and I startled. The earphones shook out of my ears. Kaiden was sitting on the seat opposite mine, his hand stretched in the direction where mine had been just a moment ago. Despite my rush of adrenaline and the sirens going off in my head, I tried to steady my voice as I said, "Sorry, didn't realise you had called out." Kaiden smiled, a dangerous one, "I hadn't." There were a few tense seconds of staring where I tried to read his expressions. But it was either the lack of sleep last night, or my adrenaline right now, that I couldn't decipher anything. When he didn't say anything again, I stood up, "I'll be back..." But he was already blocking my way out. I didn't know what to say anymore. Based on how he projected himself, my response should be to politely ask him to move so I could leave, and to express that I was uncomfortable. But knowing his true nature, I wanted to run in the opposite direction, or at least to remind him of his facade so he would be tempted to keep his fake persona up. And I could do neither. "What..." I mentally restructured my sentence, "Is there something you wanted to say?" He chuckled, "So many things, not like you would allow me to anyway." I wanted to look at the time. Surely, at least someone should be arriving. But there wasn't even a distant sound of footsteps. I did not want him to say anything right now. It would not be safe to have any kind of disagreement with him right now. "Look... We can talk after class. People would be arriving soon anyway," I pointed at the door, very concerned that nobody was in yet. "But I want to talk right now," he took a step towards me. I took a step back, but was blocked by the chair I had been seated on previously. "I swear, if this is.... Kaiden..." I tried to sound fearless, but my throat was closing, "we can talk after class, if that's what you want." "So that you can be blocked off by your friends? You think I don't notice them guarding you like hawks?" I was surprised how his temper wasn't showing in his voice yet, because I could see it in his eyes. "They're not... There's nothing to guard me from... " "I told you not to talk ill of me. That was my only request." He wasn't smiling anymore when he took another step towards me. "Kaiden, what do you want." "I want to know why." "Why what!?" "Why did you distance yourself? What have you been hiding? And what did you tell them?" "I didn't tell them anything!" "LIAR!" His voice echoed. The calmer part of my brain had the audacity to think to herself, 'What a hypocrite!' I took a deep breath. I knew I was going to make the second mistake, but it was more dangerous to evade at this point. "I never told them anything. Not even when I was still talking with you. But them being around me has nothing to do with you." "Have you been seeing someone else then? Is that why we stopped talking? Did you find someone better?" "What the f*ck Kaiden, no! Can you really not see it? Is it always going to be my fault? Have you never noticed how miserable I was with you!?" "I never did anything..!" "EXACTLY," I hadn't felt my voice raise until the words came out, "You never respected my requests. You never respected my presence. You took advantage of the attention I was giving you with no concern about how neglected I was feeling. And every time I brought it up, you gaslighted me into believing I was being too clingy." "THEN YOU SHOULD'VE TALKED!" "I DID! That's your problem. You say I should've told you, that you would listen. You..." I took another deep breath to calm myself down, and ran my hand across my face, "You blamed me for ignoring you when all I did was stop being the first to text you. The longest time we went without talking was a week. I knew then that I was probably on mute or something, and not even remotely on your mind. Which was fine, really. Because it showed me that I was alone in this. And that whatever needed to be done was my responsibility alone." "Don't make this about me! You left." I should've expected this. This was literally the reason why we never had that discussion a month ago. I couldn't tell what brought on the current discussion anyway, but I was starting to think it was something to do with his reputation. In the time that I had stopped talking, he had had a falling out with many others in our common friends group. Some of them were the ones who had come back to me asking why I had stopped talking. But I really never told them because despite my decision to go No Contact with him, I respected his privacy. Given the current situation, I was starting to think I shouldn't have. "What do you want from me Kaiden?" I sighed. There was a nagging feeling that nobody was arriving anytime soon. That I had missed some communication. "Apologize to me." "What? Why!?" "Because I deserve one." "I'm not apologizing to you!" I turned to look at my phone that had briefly lit up to a notification. It was 8 minutes to 6am, with an unread notification that the class had been postponed by an hour. I felt my face go pale. I quickly switched the screen off, but I knew he saw it too. He probably knew about it already... He chuckled. I did not want to hear that, and I did not want to look at him anymore. Nobody was coming. I wanted to escape. "I'm sorry." "Say it like you mean it," he had taken another step forward. He was standing dangerously close to me now. I could feel anger radiating off of him. I'd always been sensitive to energies, and my past experiences had taught me that I was never wrong about it. "I'm sorry that I... That I left without an explanation." "And?" "And... What?" I wasn't looking at his eyes, but my gaze was fixed on his arms... At his right fist... Which was clenched. "And why did you leave?" "I..." I didn't have the courage left for an honest answer anymore, and the lie wouldn't come to my lips. I felt something sharp against the right of my abdomen, and turned to look in horror at the knife blade propped against my tshirt. He was threatening me. "I'm... I'm sorry!" My voice trembled, "I was... I thought you... I thought I was annoying you... I wanted to give you space," my breath quickened. There was nothing physically stopping him from stabbing me right now. I had been so scared of that fist that I hadn't noticed the knife in his other hand. Why was this apology so important to him? He held the back of my head with his other hand as if patting me to calmness, as if he wasn't holding a knife against me right now. He pulled my head towards his shoulder and breathed into my ear, "You've never annoyed me though. But you do irritate me." I tried to push his knife arm away, but he was too persistent, too strong. "I promise I...." "Nah... I don't want to hear promises," he chuckled. I was at a loss. What did he want!? "What do you want!?" I was surprised that even now, not a single tear had dropped from my eyes. They were dry. "I want you to never leave. I want you to accept that I got you." Even in my panic, which surprisingly wasn't as much as it should be, I found it absurd. But he was at an advantage here. "I won't... I will never leave. I accept.... I accept whatever it is you want." He brought his lips closer to my ear and whispered, "Don't be coy. Say it." "I'll be yours, please don't hurt me." I stopped resisting. I felt a sharp pierce through when the blade struck me. As he pulled the blade out and watched me collapse, I finally saw the panic in his face. He hadn't meant it. I shouldn't have stopped resisting. It was so sudden that when I did, the force of his hand pushed the blade in me. I watched the front of my clothes drench in blood, and felt a metallic taste in my mouth. That must've been saliva. But when I coughed, it was red. The last thing I heard was him running. And the last thing I thought was that he should've watched true crime when I had suggested. Then he would've known not to pull the blade out. Had I even had a chance...?