EVER FELT LIKE.

Ever felt like your happy and at the same time your not? Ever felt like crying but you just don't see why? Am writing from a point that I feel like everything is going so well and yet am not complete.. There's still that stupid void that won't go away. First of all I want to start of by forgiving those who have caused me the worst moments those who have put me through hell and back intentionally and unintentionally.. Let me not generalize because I'd be a hypocrite. I hate my ex.. As much as yes we shouldn't bare grudges and all that s**t , some people are just not worth forgiving at all. At the beginning of our breakup, I swear there was no beef at all or maybe I was just stuck with the hope of getting him back am not quite sure. I was more than willing to be his friend and help him whenever he needed me despite all the tears and heartache he put me through but since he chose to disrespect me and flirt with other women right in front of me, I guess that was my limit or better yet my wake up call and I told myself 'You are actually being too nice to this nigga. ' Whatever happened in the club that night was partially my fault and yes I admit it.. But I can't punish myself forever because of it I got too drunk. On the brighter side I had the time of my life despite waking up with lost memories and a terrible hangover. I wish I could curse him and wish him all the suffering in the world but in the end none of that benefits me.. It will only fill my heart with bitterness and hatred. I know you're confused now because I said at the beginning that I hate my ex and yeah I still do. The only thing that can change that is if he puts his pants on and mans up to actually acknowledge that he did me wrong and apologizes to me. And again don't get me wrong I don't want him back.. NEVER AGAIN. His attitude in front of other people, acting like everything is cool and laughing with me like me like we're friends..COME ON!! THAT'S BEING A COWARD IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD!! But I thank God for the few amazing friends I've made... Richard, Ben, Cynthia, Millicent, Joy, Sharon, Yvonne, Ivy and of course I can't mention all of them. These people are just amazing...they have gone out of their way to make sure that am not sulking in pity or feeling bad for what happened. I thank God for always listening to me when I pray to Him. My sisters my best friend since high school to date my cousins. I mean I can't say thank you enough. You people mean to the world to me. I could have mentioned my mom and dad but I might forever write about those special souls. I believe in myself. My capabilities. My beautiful heart. My smile. My sexy walk. My amazing height and body. My chubby face. My soft hands. My gorgeous hair. My intelligence. My strength. I have too much within me to be feeling any less because of some random guy. I will succeed. I will inspire. Because that's my PURPOSE. I'll be back. Well I'm not going to make this all about my bad experience and all the sad stuff I mean I am happy most of the time. Through drama and music I found my deeper self. Like if you told me to act or dance before a large audience or even worse make me rehearse a choral verse, we would fight because I knew I couldn't do any of that. Learning your potential I'd say is the best gift you can get in this life apart from of course being a mother of twins. Just kidding!! Once you know what lies beneath your skin, it gives self-esteem, self worth, self respect and at no point will you doubt yourself. Am sorry about this my other readers, but please I said please allow me mention one special lady who I don't think I can express how much I love her. Cynthia. I love you so so much. You're one of the few women who I admire because you know your worth, your talent and has never settled for less or tried to fit in. You inspire me so so much. I'm saying this briefly because for sure I could go on forever. To my other readers I love you so much and if you're reading this you know that. Life at this point has taught me to appreciate the smallest things. Everyone has their fears their insecurities and struggles. If someone tries to reach out to you don't go out on them giving them a cold shoulder and treating them badly. Story time: One day I was going home, it was quite late but that I had no money left on me and my dad was not around so I had the single option of walking home despite how late it was. A guy touched my shoulder and when I turn, I saw he was in tears and obviously going through something very serious and painful. At first I was unsure of his intentions because he seemed a bit drunk as well. He asked if I could listen to him because he lost his girlfriend who he adored so much and he felt heartbroken because she had dumped him. The guy was shattered the more he talked to me about the more he cried and became more open with me. The girlfriend just broke off things with him because she thought he was cheating on her and clearly it wasnt true but of course matters of the heart are complicated... Soon he was able to calm down and I assured him to give himself time and everything will be fine. And yes in my little way I was able to help the guy feel a bit better. And that's how we parted ways. I don't think everyone understands how life works... We are all here for a purpose don't go discriminating people like your from another planet. Help your fellow being whenever you can and don't ask for anything in return... You'll feel really good about yourself I assure you. I chose to help and I felt good about it.. Nothing makes you different from me.. As long you have blood and we all take in oxygen. So think about it. Hello Hello Should I call this good or bad... I can't say.. So my ex got drunk and decided to talk to me.. Don't worry am okay I know it was just the alcohol so I just listened. He started talking about how much he misses me.. How much he wants me back and that he still loves me. Blah blah blah!! To be honest I couldn't even hold back my laughter while listening to all this. Alcohol is truly a drug for sure. Beware!! It's amazing how people remember you when they need something from you. I know what he wants and don't worry he ain't getting it because we've come such a long way to go back right? Am still trying to heal from all the stress he brought me and I know I'll be fine. At this point it's quite clear to him that am moving on and the thought scares him that's why he's using my emotions to keep me around. Sorry nigga!!!! Am wiser now. My reader am I wrong? I mean he deserves what he's getting. Am not a mean person I just love myself more and I plan to protect my feelings. That's it!! And you need to know how many people have my back on this. I LOVE YOU GUYS. You only get one life so live your life surrounded by real people who truly love you.. Oh!! I didn't mention I shut him out. I made it clear that am not some type of toy you can just go back to anytime you're bored or lonely. Let his hangover eco that!! Jizzz!! Am priceless and you have to match up. Peace. Back like a never left. With my Daily Dose. Sorry that was a lame one!! But anyways hope we're doing good... Today am happy super happy and peaceful at heart. For a while I've been deeply thinking about the art of forgiveness. FORGIVENESS. It has a lot of power don't you agree? I now believe in the saying charity begins at home. You can't give what you don't have. You can't receive what you don't think you deserve. In all situations in life there's always a give and take type of circumstance. Let me explain.. For example I'll use what we've all experienced at some point LOVE. My readers, love is beautiful in every aspect of it. There's no wrong side to it. If you're willing to love.. There's nothing you won't do for that person. The problem comes in when you don't have enough love within yourself, if you don't love yourself and everything single flaw you possess. This will haunt you in terms of how you treat people you love and how you let them treat you. Like I said before you CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE. If you don't enough love for yourself not only will you not love in the right way but also you'll end up settling for less than you actually deserve. So for today... My dear reader ,the word BEAUTIFUL is unisex( according to me). Life itself is beautiful so every single day you wake up walk up to a mirror and admire every part of you... You may not see the beauty in any of that but trust me that's your foundation for a better YOU a better relationship with others a better confident person. You will end up loving what you see on a daily because let's face it that is who you are despite your scars, stretch marks and every little thing that makes you feel less perfect. Forgive me for using perfect... Perfection is for GOD. He alone is what I consider 100% Perfect otherwise if we were to be perfect why didn't we create ourselves. Think about it. LOVE YOU. DO YOU. ENJOY YOUR OWN COMPANY. Though Yes you'll still need someone to bury you.. Hahah!! I always say am so full of love it's irritating. I really mean that. Day by day I get better and learn a lot from the people around me so yeeeey am healing. And for sure, Everything will be okay. I feel like singing today...Legooo "THOUGHT I'D END UP WITH NICK... BUT IT WASN'T A MATCH. WROTE SOME POEMS ABOUT ALEX... NOW I READ THEM AND LAUGH. EVEN THOUGHT I FOUND LOVE... AND FOR HIM AM SO THANKFUL. WISH I COULD THANK YOU TO THEM ALL. CAUSE THEY ARE MY LESSONS. One taught me love One taught me patience One taught me pain Now I'm so amazing I've loved and I've lost But that's not what I see So look what I got Look what you taught me THANK YOU, NEXT. " Here goes my special part... "SPEND MY TIME WITH MY FRIENDS I AIN'T WORRIED ABOUT NOTHING PLUS I MET SOMEONE ELSE WE HAVING BETTER DISCUSSIONS I KNOW THEY SAY I MOVE ON TOO FAST BUT THIS ONE GON'LAST CAUSE HER NAME IS Elizabeth AND I'M SOOO GOOD WITH THAT. She taught me love She taught me patience She handles pain That s**t is AMAZING I've loved and I've lost But that's not what I see Look what I found Look what you taught me And for that I say THANK U NEXT. " Heeeey Long time no write Well I met this pretty interesting guy he blew my mind away Everything about him fascinated me and I was sure there's was something real there but I guess I was wrong. His voice his body. His handsome face and how obsessed he was with me I looooooved it so much I guess my only mistake was falling in too fast and rushing through everything. I thought I found my soulmate he treated me so well and I thanked God everyday for having him around. But let me tell you friends not all that glitters is gold. The guy suddenly went silent on me for one week actually today am counting more than one week. It shatters me all over again. I broke down and cried and regretted ever letting myself fall again. Right now as I speak I don't know whether to say am single whether to move on whether to wait or stay hopeful that maybe just maybe he will bring himself back to me. Every day am reminded of every single memory we made all the times he made me smile. Every time I was depressed and I couldn't talk but he would take his phone and call me and we would talk as he looked into my eyes. Our half and full hug. Every time he would sing to me. I was in love and I still am don't get me wrong. I miss him terribly. I read a quote that said they didn't leave God removed them and instead of feeling better I was depressed even more. I wondered why God would bring such a man into my life and literally take him away by the snap of a finger. Somehow I feel he misses me behind his silence and all the things I hear he's up to I know for sure he thinks about me and wonders if I do too. I've chosen to stay patient and wait for the day we will meet again face to face even if it may be for the last time. I'll try not to overthink and keep a very open mind. Ouahhhh!!! Heeey. I'm back again apparently not for good news but for bad news which will inevitably bring me to a very sweet new beginning. So... William has had a girlfriend all this time they have been together for two years and that apparently he used me for fun. Haaah! Funny right? How on earth would someone look at me and have the guts to play with my feelings and mess with my mind. The question remains do I know him? Did I ever know him at all? Was everything a lie? Well... That aside it's been close to 3 months since we've talked and recently he contacted me saying how sorry he was. I didn't feel it at all. It seems things weren't going well between him and his darling girlfriend so he crawls back to his plan B. I'm tongue struck. How dare he? Let me tell you guys the truth I don't hate him and I don't love him either since I found out why he ghosted me it has transformed my perspective on how to view actions and people. But one thing is for sure he will never hear from this side again I don't care if he even sends me to newspaper I will never talk to him again. Don't get me wrong I have forgiven him but I don't think he deserves my time or effort at all. I just hope he doesn't kill himself regretting. Just kidding!! I don't have much to say guys but I'm so happy and at peace with myself and I will protect that in every way possible. Chao! Later guys. Heeey am here... well is it good or bad news? Let's see I've been thinking about Richard and I for the longest time and it's clear I led myself into a terrible situationship. For the longest I've learned that Richard is not really interested in me as much as I thought. So here's what's up whatever was going on between us is over. No IT'S OVER!!!! I love myself too much to allow myself be led into such a situation. I deserve better. He has made it clear that a relationship will never happen between us so the next time I see him it will be to call it quits. I'm tired of feeling out of place feeling wrong. If it's good for me it will feel right. Dear God I know you listen and you know me in and out. I come to you whole heartedly. First of all I want to forgive Richard, William, Nick and Joseph for the things they have put me through I forgive them for soiling your Holy Temple. I know it's all my fault I allowed it due to ignorance or maybe I was carried away with the fun and peer pressure but not anymore. My biggest fear is ending up alone and lonely and so far you have proven that I am never alone. You are always with me and I know that will never change. Thank you God. I love you so much. From now on please lead me to the right people even when challenges arise give me the strength and courage and capacity to overcome them. The man I desire should bring me close to you, love me unconditionally, be kind, respectful, humble ambitious an open person, care about my mental health more than physical health, respect others non judgemental, a lover and supporter of my love for dance and art, financially stable and most of all not a coward. A dark skinned lovely man, assertive push me to work out. CONSISTENT, UNDERSTANDING . God hear my prayer and grant the desires of my heart. Amen!! Things not to tolerate : Abuse physically or mentally, disrespect, blue ticks a man who would hold a grudge against me, being cheated on, a liar, not a seeker for God, conceited ,inconsistent depends on his parents, talkative PAUL THIS MAN... I'LL GET TO THIS SPECIAL MAN LATER.... Guuuys... Guuuys!!! I know am shouting but I just need you all to hear my wonderful news. I know by now you've gone through my pain and struggles with me up till this point. Am writing this from a point of looove I mean so much love and peace. Well it's our tenth month together. I'll just tap into my heart and slowly explain how I feel our relationship is... First of all he's very sweet and loving. Scraaaaaatch that! We broke up yes I know... unexpected right? Well I just realized I was fooling myself the whole time. I gave this guy a chance and all he did was manipulate me for his own benefit. Trust me am not the bitter ex but in this case I honestly don't feel like preaching good about him. He was not the one and in all honesty I just had to call it quits. The explanation is something I still can't put to words but soon I will. Thank you dear reader for getting this far. The journey is not over and your girl will be back with more tea soon. I love you. Stay safe. Stay loved and may God bless you.