Withering Soul

Somewhere on Planet Earth

Life was not fun anymore. Deep within my heart, I found a deep sadness imagining her feelings. And even more sad when I didn’t even get the chance to know what happened to her. For the 3 years of our togetherness, I could only get her silence. Don’t mention the idea of helping her, not even a chance. I did have hope when I saw the switching between a lively and a dying Sofie from her eyes. A beautiful and cheerful little girl must be living somewhere in her subconscious and was dormant. Just like so, as soon as I finished my elementary level. I stopped school. I didn’t find any reason to continue school life anymore. I decided to tell mom and dad that I wanted to do something else.

I kept all the paintings and writings well in a bunch of bundles of notebooks and sketchbooks. I didn't know how to use them, but I knew, somehow, I would. I was in awe of music, especially rap music. I loved the words said in sync with the beats of music which was thumping my heart and soul. I admired how the musicians delivered their opinion about the world and opinions through songs, and people listened! Something like that might have come my way, I just didn't know how. I loved Eminem. Yes, he might be too old for a kid like me, but I had been hooked up since the first day I found him on a music platform singing . I had been listening to his music for the past few years. I knew that I was too young for his lyrics, but I admired how successfully he was conveying his meaning to the world. And it was nice, imagining, I could preach what I know through song and being listened to! I loved Drake, Kendrick Lamar and many amazing musicians from the same genre. And about that time, there had been amazing rappers and hip-hop musicians in my country, even though, I had to say, we needed a long way to fame. I wanted to be one of them. I zoomed out the map and I could clearly see what small thing I could do to form a dream. But I thought I had formed one. My world was music and it was rap.

When I told dad and mom, they were silent for a few minutes.

"Darling, look. Someone finally took your pathway…" Dad broke the silence. I didn't understand. Mom smiled, responding to dad's statement. They chuckled. I looked at both of them, demanding an explanation.

"Music means you'll be a celebrity one day. Mom has been there, since she was a kid, till she married me." Ah… I see. I nodded my head mildly.

"What about school?" Dad asked.

"I want to quit school. Is there any way that I can make this music like my school dad?"

"Yeah. There are some ways. But still, you need to get your education certificate for each level. There's a way, too, without attending school."

"Yes dad. I don't see that attending school is crucial for me now. As for the certificates, yes, I will make them happen no matter what."

"What about painting dear? You're good at that too. Why not make it a major interest for now?" Mom tried to shift my interest.

"I like it mom. I would like to do it too. But it's not the major thing I'd like to do for now. Maybe some time later, all kinds of arts will take their turn in my life."

"Means that there is no place for negotiations, daddy. It's a request. Not a discussion." Mom talked to dad, she seemed worried about my choice. I didn't know why.

"I know. That's my son. At such a young age, he already knows what to do with his life." I loved dad more for that. He looked proud of me. But mom worries was eating me that second.

"Being in the field of work, Zev, is not easy. You deal with a large number of people. Mentally, we are easily exhausted, which leads to depression, son. I don't want you to experience such a rough road in your life." Ah, I see. Dad took mom's hand and caressed it gently while looking at her dearly.

"I should tell you now. The mother that you see right now, was... many times, fell into depression. I must tell you, it was literally difficult, Zev." She looked at dad, "Daddy… I want him to just do something like you do. Just go to school, grow up and do something meaningful to help the community. Why is it such a hassle being a celebrity? It's not worth your struggle. I mean…"

"Darling… but you could go through it. And you did greatly, amazingly. If you can, why not Zev? He will be able to go through it well, believe me."

"Yes mom, I will do my best and do good. And I have you. You will help me, right?"

"Zev, from what mom has said just now, you should keep this in mind. It's not gonna be easy, son. You must work hard, physically and mentally. Think about it. You still have time. Now focus on your final exam. In any way, you still need to prove to us, that you can always do the best in anything you're doing."

I took time to do research on mom's profile as an actress in her past life. I had always admired her for being such a perfect mom to me. She was perfectly beautiful, smart and kind-hearted. Dad loved her a lot. I should say, dad was a proud husband. I was lucky to have both of them as my parents, and I had been grateful for being showered with abundant love ever since I was born. Not to mention, how proud my grandparents were of having my mom as their daughter and daughter-in-law. And when I looked through all the records on the internet about her, nothing was wrong. Her record was perfect. She was loved by many. All her work, starting from dramas, movies, cfs, and all kinds of activities involving her, was all good. Her expression in every appearance in public was always peaceful and lovely. I was thinking hard. What kind of things made her fall into depression? And did she say the pathway was a difficult thing to do? I kept that in mind. I couldn't dive that far yet. The euphoric being in the music and rap covered my whole emotion and feeling, I simply couldn't wait to be there as soon as possible.

I finished my final exam with flying cards. As always, school lessons were easy for me. I had always gotten the best record at school. Nothing to worry about the result. But I did it specially careful that time around, so as not to disappoint dad and mom about the result. And my result, of course, would be presented to the whole big family. At least, dad and mom would get compliments from my grandparents. But I was not sure what their opinion might be, when dad and mom proposed my goals in life. I chose not to worry. I knew dad and mom had some tricks and tips up their sleeve to make it work.

…

"Zev, after deep consideration, we offer you this one choice. And we hope you don't feel discouraged, son. Make it a challenge to get the best out of it". Dad started the meeting. Right after having the family party to mark the graduation of all the grandchildren in the family. Some of us graduated from elementary school, junior high and senior high. I was sure, dad and mom had the approval in their hands from grandpa and grandma, regarding my goal. And yes, the execution was up to us as a family. They looked at each other before continuing the speech.

"We did some research. And the best way to do it is that you leave for the USA and study music while trying to join one of the music producer companies on the way. But son. We can't let you go that far yet. You're still twelve and no way will we part ways with you." Dad served the opening. Well, I knew I was supposed to follow them. I had no right to decide about things in my life. I was still a kid, I knew for sure.

"Yes, Zev. We actually talked about leaving there with only both of us leaving dad here. But grandpa and grandma were against the idea. And we finally agreed on an idea. I can't leave dad alone here without us. And we can't let you be alone by yourself without us too." Mom added the explanation. "So, let's do things we can do here. Let's visit any music company or academy to help you form your talent, here, in this city. Agree?" I got up from my seat and reached my hands to dad. I hugged him.

"Thank you dad, mom. I follow your decision." And I sobbed for being too happy. I didn't know I would be that happy. I was worried the whole family might consider my idea childish and reckless. I moved to mom's. She hugged me while sobbing too. I guessed that one really came from her. It was so easy to feel all touchy and cry.

"Thank you mom. I will do well, I promise."

"One thing, Zev. You should be happy. Okay? If you don't think you are happy, tell us. You should quit and let's start something else anew. Okay?"

"Okay mom. But I am so happy. And I will do well" She rubbed my back gently over and over.

Since that time, mom and I had been busy planning things. Mom searched for the best singing academy and dance academy. She tried to study about them from the review on their website and even asked people she knew. While doing so, I continued doing my drawing and painting based on online courses I attended. So that's what they meant to say. I study dance and singing. And on the way, I got a lesson from a well-known song producer who visited our house routinely. I was busier than I was at school. But I was happier because things I did made me move and grew up being the person I wanted to be.

A music studio was built beside my room. With complete recording equipment and tools. Which became my new toys. While busy studying, I was busy playing. And I tried to put my writings into songs, and I sang them. But to be honest, I knew that they were nothing near good. But I was a burning soul, reaching for my dream, while busy burying someone in my memory, but at the same time, kept attaching a tiny hope that she would appear again, somewhere on planet earth.