Withering Soul

Falling Real Hard

But I was totally hooked by the tiny hope that slipped into my guts. I was thinking, if I kept trying, I would be able to grab her heart someday. I took it as a main reason to shake it off and kept going.

Sunday morning, almost noon, I wrapped the work I did, finished the song demos and planned to visit her again for a meal. I was curious as to how that plan was gonna take place. It was new to me. Just casually got into her house to have meals without prior notification. I was excited as I walked to her door and pressed the pass key, the door opened and I took my steps inside. Perfect, by Ed Sheeren was played at a large volume through a loud speaker, the sound was dominating the room, which was set in a dim atmosphere, meaning that all curtains were set closed. Not even stepping my first step, my eyes bumped into an odd scene on the sofa. I sharpened my sight to make sure what really happened. Sofie and Cara, naked, enjoy each other's touch while producing women's sound. It must be extremely good that they didn't notice the sound of the door opening, it was beeping and the sound was supposed to be heard. So that's how it felt. My heart dropped to the ground, I was freezing, clueless, but after seconds I was angry. I managed to make my presence unnoticed, turned around and got out of the place, feeling numb, went back to my house.

Not much to say, for the peace of my mind and to be able to focus on my work, I decided to erase the tiny hope I had from the last day. I knew I was so stupid to even keep it existing. The expression in her eyes enjoying the touch Cara made on her body never left my mind. That was the first time I hated my ability to remember things. I wished I could brush it off and acted like I never saw it. But the more I tried, the more the details attached to my memory. I lost it. I kept myself busy so as not to give any space of energy for her existence in my mind. I occupied the studio in the agency. Sometimes, I drop myself in the dorm. And got home to dad and mom's house often. As much as I could, I didn't go home. She texted me, reminding me about meals and sometimes she dropped the meal box in front of my door and sent a picture. I ignored them, and all her calls. During the time of our 4th album release, I totally forgot her. We were so busy on schedule and I thanked God for that, it helped much to distract me from thinking about her.

"You know, right? I only have a few people in my life. You're number 1. I don't know how to live if I lose you. You should come oppa, don't ignore me." Was one of hundreds of texts she sent me. It's almost 3 months since doomsday. She knew how to be clingy. She sent me hundreds of texts and calls, maybe more. I admit, it made me feel good, a bit. See, that's how whipped I was by her. Well, I never replied, nor read them. But sometimes my eyes caught the lines in my screen notifications. I missed her, I wanted her for myself, to the point that I could receive her offer to only enjoy the game with no string attached. But every time the desire tempted me stronger, my pride held me back.

"Is it because you're busy with the album release?" Another text. I sighed. She was extremely clueless. I wondered if she really didn't know why I dismissed myself from her life. And I had an idea. Actually, I made it. I created it in order to have an excuse to meet her. How could I know if I didn't ask? Yeah, I finally found an excuse to see her. Asking her might be the best solution. To make sure if she was really clueless about things that happened. After having a long argument with myself, I reached the conclusion that I was not ready to let her go just like that.

"I never change the pass key oppa. In case you forget", I decided I had to meet her. I finally went home. I dragged my feet and had a long time for contemplation in my studio.

'What now, Zev? Should I just get in there as if nothing happened? Well, from her perspective, nothing had happened. Let's just act cool.' Yeah, I only needed to act cool.

With that view in mind, I walked to her door and pressed the pass key. Stepping my feet carefully, anticipating a heart-wrenching scene might happen like last time. I swept space with my gaze, no sign of people's existence. Still the same atmosphere, but she changed the curtain to a black colour with a white layer. I switched the lights on, it was clearer, things were set orderly, and with that, I guessed she was not home. Alright, let's check the fridge, to check if food was really available. And as she promised. It was full of food. She even made notes on the boxes to inform you of the materials of food inside the boxes. 'Beef soup' was in quite a large box, 'use a clean spoon to move it to a bowl, then reheat'. I felt touched, she took her note when I said I like beef in any style of cooking. Because most of the boxes were with beef. 'Sauteed beef', 'Beef fried noodle', 'Beef and vegetable soup' with various kinds of side dishes. She really didn't lie when she said I was number 1. She cared about my things at a 100% level. And I did as she instructed in the notes. I spooned the beef soup into a bowl and reheated it in the microwave, and prepared my own meal on the table. Then I felt her hands circling my waist, hugging me from my back. I buried my pride deep somewhere in an ever-land in my heart, and I enjoyed her touch. I enjoyed the beat of my heart and the shiver I got from feeling her body grasping mine.

"Thank you oppa…" And in a long silence, I heard her sobbing. I did too, but soundless. I was overwhelmed by her gesture. Even though I was a bit offended. How could she treat me like I was someone she loved while she didn't. And I knew what to do, I would only enjoy it and learnt to be casual. Because in no time she would eventually treat me like a non-significant attendee again. After a while, I turned my body around and hugged her, and she hugged me even closer.

"Where are you from?"

"I was in my bedroom."

"No lessons?"

"I did, in the morning."

"Lunch?"

"Should I?"

"Sure, I saw so many kinds of food in the fridge. Let's eat them all" She still grasped me right in her embrace. I responded by rubbing her back gently.

"I miss you" she said. I did feel the same, but I was too scared to say that I did. "Do you hate me oppa?"

"No. How can I hate you?"

"So it's because you're busy?"

"Mmm… "

"You can't even take my call?"

"Sorry… "

"I guess it was such a bother, right?"

"Not really, I left my phone somewhere and in silent mode". She lifted her head to make sure I said the truth. Her eyes were puffy, she didn't change much, only growing up more beautiful and taller, for sure, it had been 3 months. She managed to have the same length of hair, short hair only covering her neck. She was so beautiful. Right at the moment, I was so sure about myself, I couldn't let her go and I thank my guts that I came.

"So it's not because you hate me?"

"What if I do?" She was back in her position hugging me, placing her head on my chest. I held back the urge to kiss her head. I wanted to do it so badly.

"Don't. I have grandpa, grandma and you, only. Having the two of them only, would make it a super quiet world. I told you, right? You're number one" I slowly got the atmosphere, she changed herself into someone new. As if she really did, needed me.

'Zev, let's do it buddy. Trust her for now.' I supposed to, right? I didn't wanna make the situation awkward. And like so, I didn't mention Cara, why she wasn't included in her circle. Even though I really wanted to confirm, so badly.

"Don't worry. I don't hate you. Why should I?"

"Really?"

"Mmm…" She got herself off me and gave the last look to my eyes to confirm my words. She totally changed into a lovely little girl, her puppy eyes melted my fortress. For a second, I forgot how scared I was minutes ago, of her unpredictable behavior. I fell for her real hard.

She finally took the role again. She made the table for both of us. I named all kinds of food I wanted to try. And they were all served on the table. The atmosphere was flowery. And I was sitting in a flower garden, the sky was open, and it was blue, the weather was nice, I was in the most beautiful place on earth with the most beautiful angel sitting down across me. Yes, I totally forgot my worries. I enjoyed the moment. I could see how scared she was of losing me. She acted like a grandma, taking care of all my needs and made sure I had enough.