Not Unless You Stay
831 Words
*Chapter 5
Several days passed. Everything was going well at uni and at work. I’d been working for almost a month. You could say I was starting to get used to it.
Today I got a call from my friend Lara. She said she wanted to come visit me. She mentioned she’d come in the afternoon.
—Hello — Lara shouted.
—Lara, hi — We hugged.
—How have you been, girl?
—Pretty good. And you?
—Good. A little stressed, but good — she said with a laugh.
—Do you want a Coke?
—Yes — I said.
—Have you kept talking to Rowan? — she asked.
—Yeah. I think we’re getting to know each other a bit, and yesterday we kissed.
—You kissed? Oh wow, you’re moving fast — she said, a little surprised.
—Yeah, but I’m not sure about my feelings. I think I need to clear my head.
—Oh girl, just be happy.
—You too. Haven’t you noticed that Matías is acting a little weird? — I mentioned. I’d never known Matías to have a girlfriend.
—Yeah, I noticed. Do you think he has a girlfriend?
—I don’t know.
—I hope so. I’d love to see Mati with someone — she said with a smile on her face. —Yeah, we would really love that.
—Someone who actually loves him. Not like the other one.
—Ugh, don’t remind me. That b***h left him for someone else — I frowned. If I remember right, it took Mati forever to get over that girl. She had him all tangled up.
—I’ve been thinking about quitting my job. I don’t want to work anymore — I said, heading to the kitchen to look for some cookies.
—Are you sure?
—Yes. I’ve thought about it a lot.
When I felt my phone vibrate, it was a message.
—Look, he sent me a message — I told my friend, who was busy enjoying the cookies I’d made yesterday.
—What does it say? — she asked.
—He wants us to meet to clear a few things up. — I don’t know if I want to fix things. And if we leave things the way they are, I don’t want him to hurt me, girl. I’m still getting to know him.
—Yeah, you’re right. What are you going to do?
—I don’t know, we’ll see what happens. I’ll tell you later — I said.
—Okay, girl.
I took a shower. While I was doing my makeup I had my headphones on. I was listening to a song by Humbe called Sensación.
These days I’ve been better.
Healing. Polishing my voice.
Listening to more music.
Remembering. Writing better.
It took me a while to figure out who I am.
I was lost inside myself.
I didn’t have the confidence to say no.
When I was missing something, you gave me a reason.
I need blood in my heart.
My mind was eating me alive.
You saved me through telepathy.
Every time I couldn’t.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
I got there first. Like always. And when I saw him coming, I felt that mix of anger and the urge to run and hug him. But I stayed still.
I couldn’t keep being the one who throws herself into the void without knowing if he’ll catch me.
—Why did you kiss me? — I blurted out. No beating around the bush. I didn’t have time for that. Not after how much his silence hurt.
He told me how he felt. That he couldn’t take it anymore. Then why did he run after? Why did he disappear like it meant nothing?
—Because I’m scared — he said. —Scared of ruining it. Of ruining you.
And that’s when I broke a little. Because how are you supposed to not hurt when you hear someone loves you, but not enough to stay?
—And what do you know about love? — I shot back. Like I hadn’t been the one who stayed a thousand times while he shut down, walked away, faded out.
I felt the rage rise from my chest to my eyes. I yelled at him. I told him I loved him. That I hated him for making me love like that — with fear, with doubts, with my heart trembling in his hands. That it hurt to have to teach him how to love.
And when it was all over, when there was nothing left to say, I could only tell him one thing:
—Don’t come looking for me again... not unless you’re really going to stay this time.
And I left. Because I didn’t want to keep going with this fight. I just wanted him to choose me without fear. But once again, I was the one who ended up bleeding on the inside.
- Writer
