Chapter 1: See You Later
“Grief is the price we pay for love, and today we grieve because we loved deeply. Yet even in our sorrow, we hold fast to God’s promises. The separation we feel today is temporary for those who are in Christ. There will come a glorious reunion where sorrow, pain, and death will be no more. Until then, may God grant you strength for each day and peace that surpasses all understanding. Amen.” This was the last thing the pastor said before we were suppose to have closure for him. Closure for Ryan that is, my twin brother and best friend.
After the service, everyone wanted to come and hug me and talk to about Ryan and my loss. Everyone meant well, but they all said the same thing, “if there’s anything I can do,” or “just let me know if you ever need anything at all,” but nothing anyone could do would bring Ryan back. I tried to stay and talk with everyone a little while longer, but panic rose in my throat and my breathing wouldn’t slow down. I felt the tears threaten to spill at the corner of my eyes, but I hurriedly blinked them away. Miss Wanda walked over and gave me a hug that made me fall apart. I apologized, excused myself, grabbed Ryan’s urn, and found a spot in the back of the church to cry. I realized all at once that I was alone, well, except Bo, my 4 year-old cane corso. Otherwise, the last living family member I had, left this world, and was now reduced to ash in this heavy urn. We had lost our mom some years back. They said it was a heart attack, but I’m sure it was a broken heart. It happened right after Ryan was diagnosed with cancer. Our dad was never around, so I’ve lost everyone in a matter of 3 years.
Once I was able to compose myself, I went to the bathroom, splashed some water on my face, and talked to Fatboy. Fatboy is what I lovingly called my brother because he was a large man in the days when he wasn’t sick. And he reciprocated and called me double bubble, because apparently my butt is large. I talked with him for a while. Once my breathing was better, my eyes were dried, and I felt like I got enough out to Ryan, I felt composed enough to go back out to those who attended the funeral.
As it turned out, I was gone for almost an hour. Mostly everyone had left, except a few who have been close enough to call family and the lawyer. Apparently, Ryan had written some letters for a few people, with me being one. He also told me that his will basically left me everything and that we could discuss it all tomorrow. I thanked him and headed home.
As I drove home, the sun was getting ready to set. Ryan was in the passenger seat buckled in, just like he would have been if he were here. I decided that I was going to the lake that we loved to read the letter.
I climbed out of the driver side of my ash green metallic Honda Passport, walked to the passenger side, picked up the letter off the dashboard, and Ryan’s urn out of the passenger seat. I made my way to the pier, got to the end, took my shoes off, and hung my feet in the water.
When I opened the letter I knew I’d cry.
Sis,
Don’t cry. You probably feel alone, but you’re not. Mom and I will always be close, even if you can’t touch or hear us.
I’m proud of you. I know it was hard to take care of us and go to school, but I’m glad you didn’t give up. You finished, and I got to see you graduate. Now, take the damn test! I know it’s hard to walk into a hospital, and that’s okay. Work in a hospital when you feel ready, but take that test and get your NP license.
I know you love Georgia, but it’s time to go. You’ve always wanted to see the whales in Washington. Make a new start there. Take me with you. Maybe if you see my urn, you’ll hear me say don’t touch the damn things! I know you will try, but they’re not meant to be pet. I’ve left you plenty to start over. I’ve got some buddies out in Port Angeles. I use to work on their bikes, turning a wrench got me some friends. I’ve already told Bones you’d be coming. If you’re not there by next month, he’s coming to get you. Sorry, but I figured you’d need a push. I’m not giving you time to sulk, you need to live. Make a bucket list and do it. There are two things I never got to on mine: 1. Get married. 2. Have 2-3 kids. Do those for me.
Even if I’m only 8.5 minutes older, I’m still older. So listen to me. Live Charlie, and always know I love you. Oh, I love Bo too.
Until I see you again,
Ryan.
By this point, I had tears rolling down my face. I knew he was right. I couldn’t stay in Georgia forever. I needed something new. A chance to not be the girl everyone knew as the one who lost her whole family. It was right then that I decided I was going to put the house up for sale and start completely fresh.
I got back in the car and drove home.
Bo was sitting on the couch waiting for me. It was late and I’m sure he was hungry. But mostly, he wanted to cuddle. He’s a good boy, and thankfully he listens because he’s 115 pounds of pure muscle. I fed him and walked back to the living room and decided to lay on the couch tonight. When Bo was done eating, he came and laid on my legs at the end of the couch. Apparently there was a Pauly Shore marathon on tonight, so of course, I had to watch. Last thing I remember was being in the middle of In the Army Now, a classic, before I woke up to Son-In-Law and a knock at the door. It was 10:30 by the clock on the TV, and I knew it had to be close to correct since I didn’t have to set it. At times like these, I’m glad I have Bo, because when you’re 5’1.5” and weigh 125 lbs, Bo and my guns are always helpful. I grabbed the .380 Lady out of the drawer of the end table and made my way to the door. I turned on the front porch light and asked who it was. Instant regret was there when I heard his voice, it was Dylan, my ex. I opened the main door, but kept the screen door closed. Bo sat beside me and let out a low growl. “Hey Bo, glad to see you still have a soft spot for me. You look good, Charlie. Can I come in,” Dylan never was one for subtleties. Against my better judgement, I opened the door and let him in. I guess I just needed to not be alone.
