Lost between Two

Freeze the breeze

6 July 1973

Sometimes you think you can't go on but with a help of the ones you love, the bad seems to become good and your life becomes shiny again ,but all your world wreck when you discover that those ones who helped you once and seemed to be the best thing you ever had in your life are just liars .

Yesterday I went to visit James ,I was holding some Jasmine flowers in my hand, I was in high spirits , face cheerful really happy to see him again ,to tell him what happened to me during the day . I opened the door and walked into the flat ,it was a shock , a desperation , I got the feeling of an oncoming heart attack .His hands holding her hands , love expressions in the air ,so close enough to share a betrayal kiss. My eyes full of antagonism watched them , the shock left me speechless especially that the girl with whom James was betraying me was Nina , my older sister .

The less of me I couldn't give so I went out door without any reaction ,they didn't even remark my presence back there .I got into my car and ordered the driver to take me to Fred's house . After what I saw I really needed someone to rely on and to talk to.

Knock after knock till he opened the door , as a crying baby girl I smashed into his arms ; after a while we sat on his comfortable sofa .

First of all , I couldn't spell a simple word, It took him some few trials to make me talk , my mouth started going , the words started flowing like a river , fortunately Fred was here to wipe away all of my tears .

The last think I still remember of last night is the drink that he invited me for. When the sun raised , I was completely naked in a bed that's not mine , when I tried to roll out of it to check where I am , I got a glimpse of a shock sleeping next to me; > I screamed , my voice was so loud that Fred woke up too > he said with a surprised voice . His eyes flicked toward me , I couldn't do the same because I felt so shy of what we did so I stared at the floor sadly .

No word left to say , no reaction left to make , I got my clothes on , took my bag and went out of his house .

Now , I'm alone , closed in my room , broken and in despair.

7 July 1973

I keep thinking of them , all of them ; Nina , James and Fred. alone in my room , I started feeling like a mad b***h , no one by my side , no one to whom to talk , everything I had flied and left me alone in this brand new world that I desperately can't recognize  . I don't know what I must do now .

9 July 1973

It took me so long to realize that they don't worth my life .someone like Nina and James are just rats . I decided to visit Fred , may be you would wonder why would I do something like that , in all simplicity for the reason that I can't put the blame on him , he didn't do something bad , neither I . We were drunk and we weren't aware of what we were making , we're so far from James's and Nina's situation .

The meeting after is always complicated because it's not easy To find the right words to express yourself > ;> ; > ; > ; > ; > he replied gently .

In my way back home , a black jaguar stopped my pavement . James got out of it , took some seconds on gazing me and finally said : > . Honestly that "why" freaked me out , at a moment I thought he knew about me and Fred ; > I said anxiously ; >

He was very surprised , then I concluded that we're not talking about the same think ; > > he added .

I couldn't keep playing the part and hiding my rage within :

>

> he made some steps further me , put his damn hand on my cheek ,got a little more closer to me , he tried to give me a kiss but I slapped him so hard on the right cheek the moment after I was running home crying .

Once at home , the first figure I saw was Nina's : > after a period of silence > all I could do is watch  her with my big teary eyes before running like a child to my room where I spent one hour locked inside alone with my immense pain and dilemma . utterly I decided to face Nina .

10 July 1973

I heard some loud laughs coming from Nina's room , my heart started beating like if I was afraid of another shock , I closed my eyes and opened the door . you know that moment when a wave hits you ,then you can not hear the others talk or see what is surrounding you ,you lose all your power and you start giving up to death ; it was exactly what I felt when I saw James In Nina's room, how stupid I can get to expect something any less low of them  ; they were moving their damn mouths and trying to say something I couldn't understand even their faces were transforming like a piece of silicon or that's what I imagined . When they were working on hiding their lies with others more awful I lost consciousness in front of them and here I am in my miserable room surrounded by nurses , the doctor said that I need some rest and asked the other members of the house to not disturb me .

When I think deeply , I see that all what happens to me Is not fair ; I saw him first , I fell in his love first and I dated him first too maybe he's a player but Nina Is my god damn sister . James is just a man , Nina should have shown him the right path and not followed his madness .

Once I promised myself to destroy everyone who tries to steal my dreams whoever he is ;and now it's time to get my promise to work .

11 July 1973

Two Am , when all the house was stuck in dreams , I crossed one straight line to my sister's room . she wasn't asleep like I thought , she was reading a book ,the thing that made my mission more difficult : > I said with a creepy voice , she stared at me and asked outlandishly like if she was Informed of her fate > , I got a knife out of my sleeve and everyone knows what happened next ; killing her was so easy , I watched her so calm like the sleeping beauty , how she was beautiful like an angel , if she wasn't enclosed by a lake of blood we could think that she's just sleeping like every night.

When I committed my act , I felt a bunch of fun and happiness , I thought at long last I could get rid of her but the birds sound woke me up from my dream or more reasonably it woke me up from a very bad nightmare because I would never kill my sister whatever happens between us.

Today and after that awful nightmare I realized that my love to Nina's irreplaceable and unchangeable , maybe I need to face her once for all and maybe it's no one's fault ,it's just love playing with our hearts .

12 July 1973

Alone in my room , trying to get what happened to me lately I decided to face Nina once and for all ,when I was getting downstairs I glanced Nina sneaking out door . Yet the pouring rain she preferred not using the car . she was walking in a straight line and I was following her like a spy step by step till she stopped in front of James' car and got into it then I knew that what I thought It was just a misunderstanding turned out to be the ugly truth . NINA AND JAMES ARE IN LOVE .

16 July 1973

I used to be so stupid and I admit It but today I realized that utterly I upgraded from stupid to nerdy .

Nothing can be good during the hard times than a high quality dope so I took my m*******a's dust and put it into the blank cigarette filter tubes , one after one till i flied with the butterflies . A non-conscious girl can do all the craziest things in the world and no one can hold her accountable for her actions , she's the queen of herself . With some low footsteps I walked to the living room ;James was there talking to Nina but when they glanced me coming , they stopped their chit-chat and ran to me , James held my left hand and Nina my right one but that didn't seem to satisfy me ,I yelled > , and after I started giving them irregular slaps and bites.I can not deny that it was so hard to release my anger and finally when I sat normally , I took some time to clear my mind :>, I said with a weedy voice then Nina turned to me :>my mouth was half intoxicated so I couldn't answer her. James replied :>

>

James bent over and lift me in his tender arms to my room .After three hours of sleep , I woke up ,my ears were clogged and I had a short memory loss but the most important is yet to come .

When I regained my complete awareness ,I looked for you my secret book but I could not find you , basically , I looked for you everywhere in vain . Suddenly I glanced Nina coming , she was holding something pink in her hand that it turned out after to be my missing diary.

>Nina complained , I gazed her for some seconds and I was afraid she knew about me and Fred so I replied : > ; I stood up from the bed and tried to pull the book from her, I was pulling to the right and she was pulling to the left suddenly a hand dragged us away from each other ,the book fell on the floor ,he knelt and then hunched to lift it off of the floor ,every reaction he was making made my heart pound wildly , when his fingers were near to achieve the book I screamed :> ,I bent over and cuddled it against my chest powerfully ;Nina approached me and whispered to my ears : > after she turned to James and said > she stopped talking ,shed a tear and added : > , all the constitutions of my body were shaking and I was so afraid that he has known my secret but fortunately she did not read my ancient diaries I took some time to feel better before replying :> I closed my mouth for a second to watch their ashamed faces staring me with open eyes : > a voice interrupted my talk :> he added angrily : > ; what to say ? how to defend myself ? all what he said was so logical ,he made me look like the wicked girl in one story . I looked deep into his eyes and put his hand on my heart , he swung it slightly and hid it in his pouch ; at a moment I started thinking of my failed future without my lovely boy but a push woke me up , I heard the fall of my prestigious pearl necklace , James grabbed my hands and spun me around , put his hands between my legs ,I felt his tattered breaths on my neck and his tongue full of saliva traced a line above my cheeks , he pushed me against the wall and pressed his body on mine then emotions rebelled between our warm kisses ; our animal instincts made us forget the presence of Nina .

She held her head down and pushed her way through the messy furniture ,I stopped James and followed her to the guardian . she was walking faraway and I was running behind her , I was begging her to come back and she was screaming no , she was shedding tears and I was losing my balance ,I stumbled on a rock and screamed > , she stopped walking and turned back to me ,once she achieved my position ,she fell on her knees and checked my injured arm ,she was so stressed and worried about me .Our eyes met and showed the worship and fondness we keep for each other then we smashed into one another arms , our flowing emotions made us cry tears and regret ,suddenly ,James came and joined us in our family big hug  . One's  looked miraculous like three sculptures of Victorian era and the dark green entourage added a phenomenal touch to the masterpiece ,one's amazing appearance made the breeze freezes