When He Liked Others, I’ll Tame Him

I caught the trend bug and bought a Merman online. The seller said he had an amazing service instinct, was super clingy, and even cried tiny little pearls during special moments. But it’s been two weeks since mine arrived. No pearls, not even that. Every time I go to feed him, he hides deep in the seaweed like he’s terrified of even being seen by me. I shot the seller a message about the issue, and their customer service hit me back right away. Customer Service: Hi there! We’re so sorry this happened to you. Would you like us to help you request an exchange? On a whim, I typed a question. Me: What do you usually do with the mermen that get returned? They answered promptly. Customer Service: No worries, sweetie! We never resell defective units. They usually get sent straight to high-end seafood markets. Well, it was a living creature after all. I figured I’d keep him a little longer and send him back only if things really didn’t work out. But that same night, I caught sight of the same merman who wouldn’t even look me in the eye wagging his tail so hard for another person that I swear it was this close to snapping clean off. Oh. So he wasn’t shy with everyone. He just didn’t want to cling to me. Fine then. Exchange it is. Who cares if one fish dies, right? ***** Right after finishing a popular online romance story, I snuck over to the luxurious tank where I kept Ronan, the merman. The second he spotted me from across the tank, he twisted around and curled right back into his seaweed hiding spot. Broad shoulders, narrow waist, a perfect perky butt, pale green seaweed drifted with the current, sliding slowly from his broad shoulders all the way down to his lower abdomen. He was stunning from every angle. This merman hit every one of my aesthetic sweet spots. No wonder I’d picked him out immediately from the dozens of other options that day. The corners of his eyes were flushed pink, and even the tips of his ears had darkened. When I stepped closer to the glass, he bit down hard on his own forearm before darting even further away. "The manual clearly says he’s a fully grown adult in mating season, why does he still hide and won’t let anyone touch him?" I muttered to myself. I followed the instructions in the manual and reached through the opening to brush his cheek. He swatted my hand away without a second of hesitation, then bolted for the far end of the tank. "I don’t like people touching me," he snapped. A sharp, burning pain bloomed across my palm, and a thin red line of blood welled up before I could even blink. He peeked out from behind the seaweed, looking a little guilty. I set the food down on the edge of the tank without a word and stormed off with a cold face. Ding-dong! My phone pinged with a new text from my best friend Jade. Jade: Is your merman still refusing to let you touch him? I frowned as I typed my reply. Me: Tell me about it! It’s almost been a whole month, and we’ve barely exchanged three words. Jade: Holy s**t! Did you get a defective one or a fake? How much did you drop on it anyway? Me: Three million. From the shop you recommended. Jade: That can’t be right! Mine worked perfectly fine! That shop’s been around forever, they have a great reputation. Hit them up, just exchange it if it’s not working. Me: Fine, got it. I pulled out my phone, pulled up the shop’s chat window, and sent them a full breakdown of how my merman had been acting this whole time. Me: I’ve had the merman I bought from you for over two weeks, and he still won’t let anyone get near him. Is this supposed to be normal? They replied instantly. Customer Service: Hi dear! Did you follow the unboxing steps in the manual exactly? Things like this can happen if you don’t follow the procedure! I got so mad I saw red. Me: What kind of bullshit is that? I dropped three million on this. You think I’d just wing it and skip the manual instructions? I practically worship the ground this fish swims on, for crying out loud! Jade’s merman was nothing like this, that’s for damn sure. Her guy loved getting out of the tank. In the middle of the night, he’d clean himself up all nice, blow-dry his tail until it was dry, and it would shift into a pair of human legs just to warm her bed for her. If she hadn’t gushed so much about how amazing mermen are, I never would’ve dropped three million on one. Surprisingly, the customer service stayed friendly, they didn’t get mad at my sharp tone at all. They even shot me a solution right away. Customer Service: Hi there! We’re so sorry this happened to you. Would you like us to arrange a replacement for you? We’ll ship it via our superfast express delivery, it’ll arrive at your place in just three days! Somehow, the question just slipped out before I could think. Me: What do you usually do with returned mermen? Do you resell them? Customer Service: Don’t you worry, dear! We run an honest business here. We never resell returned mermen. We always dispose of them in an environmentally-friendly way. You have our word for that. Me: And ‘environmentally-friendly disposal’ means what? Customer Service: We sell them cheap to high-end seafood markets to be made into sashimi. Made... into sashimi? I turned to look at Ronan in the water, and a sharp twist of pity clenched my chest. I couldn’t bear to send him back. He just didn’t know how to get close to people yet. That wasn’t a death sentence. He was still a living creature, after all. If I gave him more time, maybe he’d warm up to me eventually, right? I’d keep him a little longer. If he still wouldn’t open up after that, I could always swap him out later. I closed the shop page, then turned to glance at him one more time. He's still just as jaw-droppingly gorgeous as ever, but I didn't drop three million bucks on him just to have a pretty fish to stare at through tank glass.