Fallen

Chapter Eight

I couldn’t sleep. All I could do was lay there and stare up at the ceiling as I both beat myself up for lying to Michael and wondered if I did the right thing. That interaction could have gone a thousand different ways, more than one ending up with my death. And yet, I still did it. I still lied to save Azrael. Still put my life on the line for him. But why? Why would I do that? I didn’t love the angel, though I did care for him. But I didn’t think I did that much. Then again it could simply be because I’ve never had a connection before. Not a true one at least. And I connected with Azrael. Something I never wanted to do. Then there was the whole him being innocent thing. I couldn’t let them kill him for something he hadn’t done.

Why was keeping a distance so hard? Why did I have to go and give someone something I could never get back in one piece? No, he may not have my heart, no one will get that. But he does have a piece of me. A piece I never even knew was there. And I hated it, despised the thought of another having something that I never intended to give.

I never even gave my parents a piece of myself. I never blinked when I was told they died on one of their adventures. Never shed a tear at their funeral. And why should I have? They were never around, never once tried to raise me. Never once stayed more than twenty-four hours at a time at the mansion. They never hugged me, never told me bedtime stories as a child, never told me they loved me. They were absent from my life, and so I didn’t care. I didn’t love them or care for them, didn’t care one way or the other if they lived or died. And yeah, maybe that was a bit harsh, but I don’t care.

But now. With Azrael, someone I have barely known for a few days, just takes something. I know he didn’t do it on purpose, I know he was only being himself. But why, please tell me why the one person I could connect with had to be an angel? Had to be someone so utterly unobtainable? Not that I wanted an intimate relationship with him, no. I wanted a friendship, I wanted to be able to sit and have a conversation and smile and laugh. Something I have never done before. I wanted to feel like I wasn’t as alone as I thought I was. But now, now that I have connected with him, I will end up hurt and alone.

Being alone wasn’t really a problem though. It was never about me being alone, I have been alone all of my life. The scary part, the hard part, was being hurt. And not physically hurt or psychologically hurt. No, I’ve been hurt like that before. It would emotionally hurt. Which is so much worse. So much more suffering came from getting hurt like that.

I chuckle to myself. Here I am going on and on about something that shouldn't even matter. Azrael would leave, there was no doubt in my mind about that. He would have to, regardless of what he says. So at least I can prepare now. I’ve been alone all of my life, I won’t let him leaving affect me, won’t let it get to me. I can’t.

With that last thought running through my mind, I felt the pressure in my chest loosen. Just enough to let me take a long breath and calm myself down. Eventually exhaustion fell upon me and my eyes started fluttering closed, before finally sleep consumed me and I was thankfully sleeping dreamlessly.

I jolted upright in bed, sweat rolling down my face. I don’t know why, or what but something scared the crap outta me. And I really didn’t want to know. I was tired, Irritated and just in a bad mood. I wake up like this sometimes, and the people back home know to stay away from me when I’m like this. Unfortunately, Azrael does not, which only made my mood worse. Because the last thing I needed right now was an angel and his puppy dog eyes staring at me wanting forgiveness.

I really did not want to get out of bed. I wanted to stay right here, curl back up under the blanket and just sleep. I knew I couldn’t though because we had to leave. Which in a way didn’t bother me. I wanted to travel the country anyway so leaving just made me ahead of schedule. Which was okay by me. Way too much has already happened here, I just wanted to go.

So I did the only thing I could. I rolled out of bed with a pained groan and headed for the shower. I was thankful the shower was not located in the main bedroom, that would be awful. Because when I got up I noticed Azrael hadn’t gotten up yet. Thank you God, I sighed. I really did not want to see him before my shower and coffee. I needed my coffee. There were no ifs ands or buts about it. I NEEDED it. Especially if I was going to deal with Azrael the whole trip. I wonder if he has ever been in a moving vehicle before. I would assume not considering he has wings and can just fly everywhere. I laughed, this should be a fun experience for him. And a hilarious one for me. One can only hope.

While I was showering I was trying to figure out where I wanted to go next. We were in Vermont right now and could always just visit another part of Vermont. But would staying in the same state be a bad idea? I didn’t think so but I also wasn’t taking any chances. So my next stop will be Rhode Island. It was close but not too close. And I could go to the beach. It was a win win. Thinking back to my map for a minute I decided on Warwick, Rhode Island. It was a smallish town and it looked cute.

Feeling a little better since I had a destination in mind I jumped out of the shower and quickly dressed. Azrael either hasn’t woken up yet, is awake and staying in the room or has left. I really wasn’t sure which and I didn’t want to open the door to find out. So I decided to start breakfast. I would cook for him too just in case he was still here. If not, it will be my lunch so no food was wasted. Again, a win win.

Humming to myself I cooked up bacon and sausage, with gravy and eggs and biscuits. I loved breakfast. It was my favorite meal. Put some sausage gravy on your biscuit and scrambled eggs and you have heaven. People think I am weird because I like gravy on my eggs but oh, well. I like it, that doesn't mean they have to. I plated the food but hesitated outside the door. I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to know if he was here or just asleep. Him leaving in the middle of the night probably would have been best for us both, but that didn’t mean he did. He could still be here, and I was being a coward.

With a resigned sigh I shifted the tray to one arm and knocked on the door. I waited, and waited until defeat started to settle into me, and a tightness again squeezed my chest. Why did I care so damn much when I didn’t want to?

I released a breath I didn’t know I was holding and turned away, ready to sit the tray down and clean up my belongings from outside. But as soon as I turned I heard the door open behind me. I smiled as I turned around to face Azrael. My mind skidded to a halt, and my mouth dried up like the Sahara. There stood Azrael in all his shirtless glory. This man, this angel was beautiful. All hard muscle that rippled down his abdomen, his chest thicker than I thought and hardened with muscle. I shook my head to try and get my mind working as I looked up into his silver eyes.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were still sleeping.” I said, my voice a lot lower than I would have liked. “I made breakfast.” I said lifting the tray up to him.

Azrael smiled as he walked by and sat at the small table in the kitchen. He didn’t really fit, his size much larger than the table was intended, but he managed to squeeze in and sit, the smile never leaving his beautiful face. I couldn’t help but smile in return as I sat the tray down and we both grabbed our food.

“So have you ever ridden in a vehicle?” I asked Azrael as I took a bite of my eggs. I smirked inwardly as a wary looked crossed over his features.

“No. I can not say that I have.” Azrael’s lip curled slightly over his lip in distaste, his eyes seeming to grow distant.

“I’m sure it won’t be that bad.” I tried to assure him. “Just don’t try to walk around while the RV is moving and you should be fine. Seeing as how you can fly, I would assume you don’t get motion sickness.”

“I do not get sick.: Azrael said, puffing his chest out

“Good, you should be just fine then.”

I smiled slightly, returning to my breakfast. I wasn’t entirely sure how he would react to riding but I couldn’t wait to find out. Was it horrible of me to hope his experience was less than pleasant? I wanted to tease him. Not make fun of him or anything, that would be mean. However, I did want to see him squirm, that would be funny. I mean come on, when would I ever get the chance to see an angel squirm? See one unsure? I wanted to relish it while I could.

Once everything was packed and I was in the drivers seat ready to leave I checked on Azrael. I could see that he was nervous. He had his hands folded on his lap; his lips were pressed into a thin white line. I could see the strain on his face, and the concerned wrinkle creasing his forehead. I didn’t like it. I thought it would be funny, amusing even. I was wrong. This, the way he was acting, his nervousness, almost what looked to be a tinge of fear. It made my stomach twist.

“Hey.” I reached over and squeezed his tightly intertwined hands. “It’ll be alright. Nothings going to happen. And when we get there, I will find somewhere secluded and you can go outside, stretch your wings, do whatever you have to do to calm yourself.” I soothed. Or, at least tried to. Azrael unraveled his hand just enough to grab onto mine and give me a gentle squeeze in return before turning them back into the white knuckled hold he had before.

It was hard, seeing him like this. I didn’t know why. It’s not like I take amusement in others torment, but usually it wasn’t torture for myself, like it was now. Now just the strained look on his face was painful to look at. Not really knowing how to handle the situation, I started the RV as slowly as I could. But we all know you can’t speed or slow the starting of an ignition. All I could really do was drive as slowly and as carefully as I could. I didn’t need to bring any unnecessary attention to myself anyway, so it kind of worked out. Not that I liked it, I didn’t like going slow. But if I really wanted to feel the wind in my hair I’d just jump on my motorcycle and drive. Drive until I was tired, drive until I was ready to return to my meager life.

Azrael seemed fine as we drove through town. I parked on back allies so no one would see him as I went in and bought some fresh clothes that were in his size. Or what I hoped was is size. It’s not like they had an “angel” Section in the men’s big and tall store. I just made a guess. I also went and bought him some hygiene products. Did angels shower? Did they need to? Or were they just innately perfect? Either way I bought it. If he didn’t need it I’d donate it to a homeless shelter somewhere along the way. No harm no foul.