Fallen

Chapter Nine

By the time I made it back to the RV, Azrael was a nervous wreck. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. He was shaking all over, his body was covered in a sheen of sweat. His silver eyes were wide and dilated as they shot from one corner to the next, never really settling on anything. I was actually frightened for him. I didn’t even think as I dropped all the bags by the door and rushed over to him. His skin was clammy, cooler than I remembered it being, he didn’t even seem to register I was near him, or touching him.

“Azrael?” I murmured. “Azrael, answer me.” No response. At this moment I was so glad he moved from the front seat to the living room of the RV while I was inside. I knelt in front of him and cupped his face in my hands. “Azrael, look at me.” I pleaded frantically. I still didn’t get a response. True fear gripped my chest like a vice. What’s wrong with him? Why is he acting like this? I looked around, looking for anything that could be affecting him this way. But there was nothing different, everything was the same. The only difference was we were in a town instead of a secluded part of the woods.

Realization dawned on me. The people. He hasn’t been around so many people in God only knows how long. Back before the evilness of man spread. He was being affected; it was the only logical theory. I bolted towards the driver seat and started the RV, I didn’t even wait to put my seatbelt on. I glanced behind me before shooting out from the ally and taking off down the street. I went slow enough not to draw attention to myself, but fast enough that I could get Azrael out of town, away from all the people. If that was what was doing this to him. Please let this be it.

I didn’t stop until the city was far behind us and I had pulled over some random exit with nothing but woods for miles. I may be on the side of the highway but at the moment I didn’t care. I shut the RV down leaving the keys in the ignition before speeding back to Azrael. I all but slid onto my knees in front of him, scanning over every inch of his body. I couldn’t even bring myself to admire his perfect body. I was too worried about him.

His eyes were still wide, dilated, and darting around. The sheen of sweat still covered him. He wasn’t shaking so much now, trembling more now. His hands were digging into the sofa, his knuckles turning white. I could see where his nails had already dug through the fabric into the wood beneath. I would have to get that fixed. No, stop it. Focus. I chided myself, shaking my head. I grabbed for one of his hands, trying to untangle them from the sofa. To my surprise his hand moved easily, a sigh of relief fell from my lips. I grasped his hand in mine, searching his eyes for anything to tell me he was coming back to himself, but there were none.

“Azrael, listen to the sound of my voice.” I said, keeping my voice as steady as I could. “I don’t know what’s going on, but just listen. Use it to ground yourself.” I squeezed his hand tightly. “Feel my hand in yours, use it as an anchor. Whatever is going on, whatever is happening, use me.” I squeezed his hand again, this time squeezing his one hand in both of mine. “Come on, come back. Everything is okay, we’re out of the city, there are no more people. It’s just you and me again.”

Azrael’s hand suddenly squeezed mine back. I knew he wasn’t quite back to himself because of the strength he used to squeeze my hand. I winced, grinding my teeth against the pain of my bones grinding together. “That’s it.” I said, struggling to keep the pain out of my voice. “You’re almost there.” I encouraged, not knowing if he truly was or not. With the hand he wasn’t in the process of breaking, I used it to cup the side of his face with. This man was so big my hand couldn’t even cover the side of it. “Listen to me, keep focusing on me.” I smiled, knowing he couldn’t see me, but hoping he could hear it in my voice.

His hand squeezed tighter, this time the snapping of bone was heard, sounding like it was echoing through the cabin of the RV. I gasped in pain, squeezing my eyes shut fighting the tears welling there. I’d felt worse, this was nothing. After a moment to process the pain, I continued to urge Azrael out of whatever haze he was in. I had noticed his eyes were starting to brighten, the franticness and the haze fading from them. The sheen of sweat that covered him was beginning to dry. He was coming back. A breath I never knew I was holding released and I smiled. “Good. Now breath Azrael.” I cooed. “Keep listening to the sound of my voice, focus on the feel of my hand in yours, on your cheek. Come back to me, now.” A plea in my tone I never intended to be there. How so much can change in such a short amount of time is beyond me.

Azrael’s eyes squeezed tightly shut and, in the process, he squeezed my hand tighter. I bit my tongue to stop from yelling out in pain. The metallic taste of blood filled my mouth. “Azrael?” I murmured. “Are you back?” His head was hanging now, his breathing labored but not overly so. I wiped his sweat covered hazel colored hair from his face. His free hand snaped up, grabbing my hand and holding it to the side of his face. No tightly, but enough that I knew he didn’t want me to move my hand. “Okay, I won’t move my hand.” I assured him. “Are you alright?” I couldn’t hide my concern.

“I’ll be fine.” His voice was barely above a whisper. If I weren’t so close, I would never had been able to hear him. “Just…just give me a minute.” There was actual pain in his voice, not like before, not when he was physically hurt. This was more of an emotional hurt, kind of like his soul was hurting, was in pain. I remembered what Michael had said, that a pure soul could help an angel into heaven. I wondered if it could help in other ways.

I had no damn idea what I was doing, no idea how to even attempt it, but I did. I closed my eyes along with Azrael’s. I could feel his heartbeat through his touch and I centered myself enough where mine matched his. I was acutely aware of where our skin met, where his heartbeat met mine, and I projected. All my thoughts, all my wishes of wanting Azrael to be okay, for him to be safe, I yelled at him through my mind. I was so focused I didn’t notice the change in Azrael until I opened my eyes and met his. They were that burning steel silver they had been, maybe brighter. His skin was back to its natural tanned color, the sweats and tremors were gone. He was himself again.

I sagged in relief, my hand dropping from his face as I fell back onto my heels. The motion pulled my other hand where Azrael’s still held mine, and I couldn’t help the hiss of pain that left me. Azrael’s brow furrowed as he moved his eyes from mine to my hand. He slowly released his grip, the broken bones in my hand grinding and crunching with the pressure release. Realization dawned on him as he watched my hand, it falling into a very unnatural position. He knew he’d broke my hand, and the regret in his silver eyes filled to the brim. Even his face fell.

“Hey, don’t do that.” I said to him. “I knew what I was doing and what the consequences of my actions could have been. It was my doing, not yours.”

“How can you say that?” His eyes never left my hand. “How could you say it was your doing when your hand lays broken in mine?” He finally lifted his eyes to meet mine and my chest tightened at the sight within them. Why did this have to be so hard? Why did I let this happen?

“Because I am the one that put my hand there.” I stated simply, shrugging as if it were no big deal.

Azrael shook his head, but a smile touched the corner of his lips. He encompassed my broken hand in both of his and a warm glow emitted from them. It was golden in color, but there was a comforting warmth to it. I could feel the bones snap back into place, but it didn’t hurt. It just sounded really weird and cringe worthy.

“There.” He said, moving his hands from mine. Unable to help myself I lifted my hand in front of me and just stared at it. I turned it over and over in fascination. It was Azrael’s chuckle that brought my mind back to the present. “What?” I asked. “I’ve never seen anything healed like that before. It was fascinating.” I admitted. “What happened to you?” I finally asked. “You all but scared the life out of me.” Not something I wanted to admit, but I did all the same.

“I have not been around so many humans in many, many years. Not since Eve took the bite of the forbidden fruit. For me, it was in that moment I lost faith in humanity and guarded it from afar, sending lower class angels to intervene when necessary.” He took a long and heavy sigh. “Their essence, their souls affected me more than I ever thought they could. So many in one place, so much evil. It overwhelmed me. It felt as if it was swallowing me, drowning me.” He cast his face down and looked to the floor, he furrowed, pain seared into his features.

I sat back up onto my knees, grabbing his face between my hands again and bringing his eyes up to look into mine. “Do not do that.” I enunciated each word. “It is not your fault. If I had known I never would have taken you into the city and I’m sorry for that. But either way, it is not your fault.” He gave me a small smile, his eyes shinning for the briefest second.

A millisecond later his face turned serious, his eyes not quite hardened, but not soft either. “What did you do?” He asked, his tone questioning.

“Honestly? I don’t know.” I told him, this time I looked away. “I remembered what Michael told me, about pure souls being able to help angels back into heaven, and I wondered if they could do anything else. So, I tried projecting. I calmed my body and my heart to match yours, and screamed all my intentions inside my mind, projecting them to you.” I furrowed my brow. “I didn’t know if it would work, but I’m glad it did.” My voice grew fainter as the image of him how he was just a second ago. The image changed and contorted, his skin grew greyer, his shaking got worse and worse until I could hear his bones rattling within him. I quickly shook my head, trying to dislodge the image, a shudder ran down my spine.

“Do you have any idea what you did? Any at all? What, what you did would mean for you?” He asked, his tone a mixture of concern and anger. What did he have to be angry for?

“Uh…” I stammered, the look in his eyes taking me off guard. “No.” I eventually answered. “All I thought about was making sure you were okay.”

An actual groan escaped Azrael. Angels groaned? Huh, who knew? Azrael stood, a little shakily, but he corrected himself quickly. He was nervous, anxious. He kept running his hand through his hair, rubbing the back of his neck. Anything to keep his hands busy. His nervousness was making me nervous and I soon found my knee bouncing and my hands twisting nervously in my lap. What was going on? Why was he acting like this?

“Azrael, please just spit it out. You’re making me nervous.”

“You, like Michael said have a pure soul. One of the likes we have never seen.” He stopped pacing to come and kneel in front of me, just like I did him not even two minutes ago. “You gave me a piece, just a sliver of your soul.”

Panic made itself known inside me. “I…I did…didn’t mean.” I stuttered, trying to find the right words. “I’m sorry.” I finally said, not really knowing what to say. “I wanted you to be okay. You looked.” I paused. “You looked really bad, and I didn’t know what to do.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Azrael said, this time his hand reaching up to touch my face this time. It was odd, the feeling it gave me. The feeling of rightness. My eyes grew wide as I sprung to my feet, effectively startling Azrael.

“I’m sorry. I…I didn’t mean to startle you. I just.” I stammered off, looking around the RV like it had something new I hadn’t seen. “We need to go.” The idea struck me, this way, I could separate myself from him.

His brows furrowed as I bolted for the driver’s seat of the RV. I said nothing as I started it and started to drive. I knew he was confused, and he had questions. Questions I didn’t know how to answer. The surprise would ware off soon and he would come to me asking questions. What was I going to say? How would I be able explain my issues? My reluctance? And then there is the very obvious. He was an angel, and archangel. I couldn’t fall for him. I couldn’t risk my heart; I swore I never would. Vowed I would never give it away.

“Are you alright?” Azrael asked, his voice confused.

“It’s…it’s hard to explain. And painful.” I stopped talking before he could hear the break that threatened to break my voice.

“Would you tell me?”

I sighed heavily “My brother and I come from money. None of which I ever had any interest in unless it came to this and my motorcycle. Don’t get me wrong the inheritance helps while I’m traveling, and I won’t have to work while I live my life. But one night when I was seventeen, my brother had some friends over. Three of his closest snobbiest entitled people I’ve ever met. Well, my brother had to leave for something, I’m not sure what, but he left. Now you have to understand I have nerve had any interest in any of the boys from where I came from. Like I said they were entitled snobs, thinks the world should bow at their feet. But I never did. I turned them all down, time after time, yet they still tried.

Well, that night when my brother left, they got tired of asking. All three of them came to my room.” I stopped, taking a shuddering breath. “They all took turns. Two would hold me down, while the other…..the other had their way. I fought, I fought as hard as I could Azrael, I swear I did. But it did no good, just earned me punches. When they had were done, they left my room laughing to meet my brother. I told him what happened, what his friends did. But he didn’t believe me, he believed his friends who told him I had fallen down a flight of stairs.

I did go to the hospital and file a report. The hospital found all of their DNA, all the evidence they needed to put those three away. But their fathers paid the judge off. Nothing was done. They were let go, no punishment.” I had pulled over again by now, unable to drive. “After that I started enlisting in fighting courses, weapons. Anything so I would be able to keep myself safe. And it worked, none of them would even come near me again. Just before I left one of them came in screaming at me that I couldn’t leave, that I belonged to him.” I shuddered, revulsion rolling through me. “He tried to stop me, tried grabbing me. But with everything I’d learned I got to him first. I broke his wrist and fled. I ran. The cowardly thing to do but it was my only choice. Otherwise, I would have killed him. I wanted to, I wanted to see him suffer for what he’d done to me, see him punished.” I looked over at Azrael through teary eyes. “But that’s not my job. It’s not my place, to place judgement upon others, even if I know their crime.”

It actually felt good, to tell someone who seemed to believe me. Someone who cared. At least I think he cared. When I found the courage to look up into Azrael’s eyes I was taken aback. His silver eyes had hardened into pure steel, almost murderous. His jaw was grinding, and his muscles had gone rigid, still. Way too still. I couldn’t even see him breathing. I was concerned for him again, he looked….well he looked like an avenging angel.

“Azrael? Are you alright?” My hand trembled as I lifted it to place over his hand. His eyes snapped to mine, focusing one me. I could see in his eyes what he wanted, but I couldn’t let him, or could I? He was an angel, and he at one time protected humanity. No. It was not our place to judge, not our place to play executioner. He looked away from me, focusing somewhere other than the here and now. “Azrael, don’t.” I pulled his face over so he could look me in the eye again. “It’s not worth it, it was seven years ago.”

A growl escaped Azrael’s lips, his features growing harder. He almost looked like he was carved from stone. “Look at me.” He turned his eyes to me, I saw a flash deep within them. “Stay in the here and now okay, focus on me now. I am here, with you. Don’t let this get to you. You’re still healing, please.” At my plea he seemed to start calming down. His eyes melted, turning soft again as his features returned to their normal stoic and yet compassionate look. I could still see vengeance in his eyes, but it was distant.

“How did you stay so kind? So giving after something like that?”

“That’s a good question. I’ll let you know when I find out. It did make me wary of men, I never did trust anyone anyway, but I have never trusted anyone since. I promised myself I would never give my heart away. Promised myself I would never let myself get close to anyone.” I frowned slightly as I looked at him. “That’s why I acted the way I did earlier, why I basically ran. I didn’t know what else to do. I’ve already felt myself growing closer to you, and I promised myself I wouldn’t allow it. Then you told me I gave you a piece of my soul…” I shook my head. “You already had a piece of me I couldn’t get back, I don’t know what it was but it was something. And it made me mad, but happy at the same time. And now you carry an actual piece of my soul. I just don’t know what to make of it all.” I admitted solemnly.

“Not every man would be like the fools who assaulted you.” Azrael told me gently.

“Maybe not. But I’ve had enough experience with the human race to know I want nothing to do with any of them.”

Azrael didn’t say anything after this, just leaning back and resting against the side of the RV where he would be close to me. I continued to drive, very aware that his eyes were on me. I could feel them boring into the side of my head like someone was holding a cattle prod close to me. It was a burning sensation, but not unpleasant. I already enjoyed his company, why not his eyes watching me. I wonder if he thinks I’m going to run off somewhere, or if he was watching me to keep himself here. Whatever it was he had a reason, I just didn’t know what it was.