Living on Borrowed Time

Chapter Thirteen

“I don’t know, Kim!” I cried into my phone, laughing, trying to sound far more confident than I really felt. I couldn’t believe how far my life had come in just a few short weeks—if I really thought about it, it was incredible. Not so long ago, I was miserable, dejected, desperately unhappy. I had no one, sought no friendship, didn’t care about anything at all. Now, I was on my way to a date with a gorgeous guy, and discussing it on the phone with my friend.

A friend, a real life friend! It was almost unbelievable.

I hadn’t heard anything from Amy in a few days. I messaged her to say good luck with her new job, and she said thanks, but that was about it. I didn’t mind though. If she couldn’t handle all the weirdness surrounding me, that was fine. At least I’d tried. I did genuinely understand anyway, my situation was very complex and difficult to comprehend for those who had no experience in that area. I had Kimberly anyway—she’d already become like a rock. We talked all the time, and with every conversation we grew increasingly closer. She worked in the marketing department of a very exclusive firm in the city. She had a really stressful, high-up position that she worked extremely hard for, but she still managed to find a lot of time for me. I couldn’t believe that I had her. I was unbelievably lucky—and I had no intention of taking her for granted.

“You’ll be fine!” She bleated, excitedly. She was genuinely happy for me, and that shone through. “Just be yourself.”

Myself. I have no idea how to do that.

I didn’t say that part aloud though, I laughed loudly instead, trying to disguise just how much effort that was going to take. “Yeah, okay. I’ll do my best.”

I hadn’t told Kimberly that I’d already slept with Charlie, not that I knew why I was keeping it to myself. I didn’t exactly need it to be some kind of sordid secret, it just seemed a little inappropriate to talk about. Especially as she knew I was a virgin beforehand, and I was afraid that she’d look at me differently for giving my first time away so readily to someone I’d only just met. Even though I didn’t think she would, I didn’t want to be judged for that.

Maybe that was my own insecurities about my behaviour shining through...

“Okay, I have to go, he’s here.” I hissed, quickly shutting off the phone. My heart hammered painfully against my chest and my nerves almost turned me to jelly at the prospect of what was to come—my first, real date, my first real time alone talking to Charlie. Sure, we’d been texting each other, but face-to-face was so much different, so much more daunting.

I watched him walk towards me, admiring him once more. He was wearing a red and blue checked shirt, dark denim jeans and surprisingly smart shoes. His dark, shaggy hair was still hanging in his gorgeous eyes, which was one of those features that I really adored about him—it made him look scruffy but sexy all at once. I actually found it a little hard to look at him, he was that good looking. My tummy was actually going funny with it all. Of course, I’d already seen him naked, so I was fully aware of his s*x appeal, but something about seeing him dressed up just for me made it that much more obvious.

I suddenly panicked that I wasn’t dressed appropriately myself. I chose my outfit on Kimberly’s suggestion during a very lengthy phone call, but now I wasn’t sure that my jeans, boots and strappy top combo were right. Especially not with my ‘natural’ hair and minimal makeup—I felt very underdressed. Oh God, had I made a huge mistake here? Should I have been wearing a dress, or something much fancier? Would he think me scruffy for coming like this?

“Hey Lara!” He cried out, happiness tainting his voice. The way he smiled at me sent butterflies flapping violently all around me, pushing my negative thought spiral right from my mind. Again, it had only taken a couple of seconds around him and I felt much better...lighter.

“H—hi.” I stammered, very uncoolly, as a reply.

“Hungry?” He asked. “Or do you just want a drink?”

“Um...?” Was I hungry? More to the point, did I really want to eat in front of him? “Drink.” I settled on quickly, figuring that was the far safer option. This was the first date I’d been on, ever, and I didn’t think that bringing food into the equation was such a good idea. Bradley never took me anywhere—not that dates are the sort of thing you do with you high school sweetheart—at least not where I came from anyway, so I had literally no experience to go on.

A drink was easy, a drink I could do.

“Okay, sure. I know a great little pub around the corner.”

As we walked, we had a little small talk—discussing what our week had entailed. It turned out that Charlie ran his own graphic design business. It hadn’t been going for long, so it wasn’t massive, but he was making positive strides in the right direction every single day. Another person in my life following his dreams. Again this filled me with the self-doubting questions that had begun to plague me regularly. Why didn’t I have any dreams? Why had I never had any dreams? I couldn’t even remember having any before I was sick!

Luckily the conversation ran pretty smoothly, despite the crazy dance that my brain was doing. I was kind of expecting it to be a little awkward considering how our last meeting went, but it really wasn’t. In fact, it was actually really nice. Yes, my heart was racing and I felt sick to my stomach, but his warm presence was putting me somewhat at ease.

We sat at a small table just inside the doors of the pub, staring right at one another. I quickly realised that his dark eyes weren’t quite as mysterious as I first thought when I met him; instead they were warm, sweet and inviting. He was just so yummy, it was very difficult to imagine what the hell he was doing sitting with me. However hard I tried, I couldn’t imagine anything that would attract him to me—he was so far out of my league it was unreal. As I trailed my eyes over his body, remembering his firm stomach, his muscular arms, his soft skin, I couldn’t help but blush. I hoped desperately that he couldn’t read my mind, or see the dirty thoughts plastered across my face.

“So Lara.” He put down his pint, and rested his hands on the table dangerously near to mine. Electricity buzzed within me, making it very hard to concentrate on his words. “You’re a bit of an enigma, aren’t you?”

“Erm...” Enigma? What could he mean by that?

“Tell me about yourself.”

Oh God, there was that question again.

I took in a deep breath, trying to steady my mind before speaking. I needed to say something simple, something that wouldn’t invite further questions. I was nowhere near ready to discuss the truth tonight—I didn’t want my first date to be wrecked by the past that I was so desperately trying to move away from. “Um, I moved here about a year and a half ago from a small town not too far from here...” I kept my eyes fixed on my fingers, wanting to get this over as quickly as possible;

“Why?” He instantly interjected, looking genuinely interested in my answer.

Panic set in. What could I say? I had absolutely no plans in telling him anything right now, hut how the hell was I going to get away with saying nothing? If there was something I’d learnt over my short time with Charlie, it was that he didn’t like to let things go.

“I...I just wanted a change. Small town girls always want to head to the big city, don’t they?” I laughed nervously, as the terrible lie came spilling out of my mouth. Charlie eyed me suspiciously, clearly untrusting my ridiculous words, but luckily for me he let it go. “Then, I landed that crappy job in the diner...then I ended up here.” I giggled once more—a sound that was starting to become inane and irritating. “I know, I’m boring.”

If only I were boring—this would be so much easier!

“Do you enjoy working at the diner?” He leant back in his seat, giving me an intense look. It was obvious that he was desperate to figure me out, and I had to bat all of this away to prevent him from getting too deep.

Not now, not yet. Maybe one day.

“God no! It’s bloody awful.”

“So why are you still there?” He asked, causing an awkward silence.

“Shall I get the next round in?” I stood up quickly. I didn’t know how to answer that question, and I wasn’t convinced that a first date was the place to ask it. To me, that stuff was deep and personal, and I hadn’t thought about it too much myself to even really know why. I certainly couldn’t vocalise it to Charlie.

Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe we should have left it as a one night stand.

I blinked back tears, telling myself to pull it together as the bar tender sorted out our next drinks. As I watched him pour the wine into the glass, I started to think about how I really needed to cut out the booze a bit. I didn’t want to end up drunk on a first date, not when things were so strained already. I’d gotten myself into trouble with Charlie once because of my big mouth, and I had no idea what would come out if I was drunk.

I would make this my last one. After this one glass of wine, I’d switch to soft drinks to keep myself in control.

But then I took a single sip, and my resolve flew out the window. The wine made me feel better, more at ease with myself. I felt like I could tackle more with it swimming around in my belly.

“Are you okay?” Charlie asked, concerned as I eventually sat back down at the tiny table that now felt a little claustrophobic.

His kind words made it very difficult not to cry. I was already on an unexpected emotional rollercoaster—being nice to me would only make that worse. “Yes.” I snapped quickly. “I just don’t want to talk about all of this...serious crap.” I knew I was taking out my own failures on him, I knew that, but I still couldn’t stop. “Let’s just...chill.”

“Chill?” He replied, clearly bemused. “Yeah...”

The silence surrounded us once more. Guilt trickled its way down my body, as the realisation of how rude I’d behaved hit. I didn’t mean for this to happen, I didn’t want my first date to go this way. This night was supposed to be magical, not ruined by me saying ridiculous things.

“Sorry.” I murmured, feeling terribly embarrassed by myself.

“Yeah, don’t worry.” His reply was now stilted; the night had become incredibly awkward and it was all because of me. I didn’t want things to go this way. It was just so hard for me to talk about anything. I didn’t know how to open up I wasn’t sure where I could even begin.

So why couldn’t I just tell him that? Surely if I was just honest, we could work through this...

“So, have you lived here your whole life?” I sipped my drink, trying to look innocent as I drastically changed the subject and shifted the focus back onto him. He gave me one quick, suspicious look, before allowing me what I needed and answering my question.

It seemed like my path was decided, and honesty certainly wasn’t the way I’d chosen to go.