Living on Borrowed Time

Chapter Ten

As we reached my door, I started to recognise a new need building up inside me, more powerfully than ever before. A lust like I’d never experienced. All the signs had been there since I very first connected with Charlie; I just hadn’t paid any attention to them. The tingles, the butterflies, the heat between my legs. I wanted this guy. It might not have made any sense, it might not have even been the smart thing to do, but it was there all the same.

I gulped down my fear at this realisation—what the hell was I supposed to do about an uncontrollable desire for this guy that I didn’t even know? I knew what I wanted to do, but that really didn’t seem like the wise choice. I’d been making some bold steps recently, ones way outside my comfort zone, ones that were leading me towards finding out who I was, and I wasn’t sure if this would be another one, or ten steps backwards instead.

Charlie must have noticed my silence as we stopped outside my home, because he suddenly stopped talking too. He stood in front of me, gazing deeply into my eyes, with an unreadable expression on his face. I felt an intense blush fill my cheeks, and a desire to look away before it got too embarrassing, but I couldn’t. Even if I was utterly desperate to tear myself away from him, I had no chance in hell. I felt like as soon as I did, as soon as I broke the moment, the magic would be over and I wasn’t quite ready for it to end just yet. I’d just had the best—and admittedly worst—night of my entire life, and the thought of it finishing was overwhelming.

I kept thinking that I should say something, but the words never came. My brain had seemingly switched off, but my body was still on fire—it was on top form, swirling with all kinds of insane sensations and emotions. Charlie was sending pricks of desire tingling all over me, and I felt like these pricks were whispering naughty things into my ear, encouraging me to do what I knew I wanted to, but that I also knew was probably wrong.

I felt myself being urged decidedly closer, and soon I couldn’t ignore what my body wanted anymore. It seemed like Charlie was as hungry for me as I was him, because as soon I shuffled slightly, and leant in towards him, his lips met mine in a collision that lit my entire body into flames. Any passion that I’d been experiencing increased tenfold as he wrapped me up into his arms, moving his lips against mine, claiming me as his own. All the nerves, the terrified thoughts, simply vanished as he pressed his body up against mine, allowing me to get a better feel of his body. I almost lost myself totally right there and then.

I had no idea if I was supposed to be kissing someone so wildly that I’d just met, but surrounded by this haze of lust, I really didn’t care. I was barely thinking straight, never mind worrying—which was a first for me! I’d spent so long locked inside my own world of terror, that to finally free myself of that felt amazing.

As we kissed, and his tongue slipped inside my mouth, I tried to take stock, to think about the right thing to do, just for a second. I just needed to think straight for a moment, I didn’t want this to be something I ended up regretting. I wasn’t the sort of girl to have s*x with someone I barely knew...was I? Of course, I didn’t know enough about myself to really answer that question. All I knew for sure, was this was something I wanted a whole lot. However, I also wanted Charlie to like me, and this didn’t quite feel like the way to achieve that.

Then again, who was I to judge what Charlie would like? I was only basing my judgements on what I’d heard from others about the way to land a guy, and it wasn’t like he was playing hard to get either. In fact, he was encouraging me to push further, to take this to another level.

Then his fingers slipped up the inside of my thigh and any thoughts about what I should do flew right out the window.

We burst through the door to my pokey flat, still furiously kissing. My handbag dropped from my shoulder and hit the ground with a thud, as we collapsed on my sofa, limbs wrapped around each other, as if we couldn’t bear to be separated—even for a second. I allowed my clothes to fall from my body, barely opening my eyes as they did. I didn’t want to properly see my surrounding, my familiar house. I was afraid that if I did, reality would hit and although I was sure that was probably the best thing for me, I was enjoying the moment too much for it to end in that way.

Much as I was afraid about what was to come, I didn’t want this time to be ruined either.

“Are you...?” Charlie panted, breathlessly and I instantly nodded, pulling him back to me. I didn’t want him to ask if I was okay, or if this was what I wanted. I didn’t want to take the time to really think about this. I just wanted to act on impulse. I didn’t want to allow myself the chance to talk myself out of something that was currently making me feel amazing. I already knew that I was acting insane; I didn’t need to be reminded of that.

This was the first time in...probably forever, that I’d allowed my body to do the thinking for me, and the decisions it was making were wonderful. I wasn’t even considering the consequences of what was happening, in this moment I didn’t even care.

His chest was warm against my naked skin, and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy. An involuntary moan escaped my lips as his kisses started to trace down my throat and his fingers ran across the bottom of my back. Everything he was doing felt perfect—it was almost as if he did this sort of thing all the time.

All the time.

That thought should have repulsed me, or at least put me off a little—especially as I was so sexually inexperienced myself, but for some reason it turned me on even more and the passion inside overtook everything else.

He pulled back quickly, tugging a condom from his pocket, looking a little awkward as he did. While he fumbled, I kept my eyes solely on his chest, on his abs, all over his body. I just wanted to lose myself in him, in everything he had to offer me. I hadn’t ever been in this position before, and I needed to savour every single second of it.

I hated this essential moment for forcing us to take a breather, but as my head cleared I realised that I still wanted him badly. I thought that taking stock would put me off, that it would freak me out, but it seemed that I was wrong. My desire for Charlie hadn’t dulled even slightly.

This was the right move for me, I just knew it.

And then I felt him slip inside me and I couldn’t help but gasp wildly. I couldn’t believe that I was giving my virginity away so readily, but something about this moment just felt right. I knew it was all happening quickly, but if I’d let him go slow, I would have stopped him a million times over. This was something that I should have done in a hurry before I died anyway. It did always haunt me a little that I was prepared to die, having never experienced sex...

Now it was too late. He was inside of me and it felt too damn good to stop.

“Oh God.” I panted as I felt an odd warm pressure build inside me.

Is that normal? I wanted to ask, but I didn’t want to speak and ruin the moment. I also didn’t want to put him off by explaining that this was my first time. I didn’t think that any guy would ever want to be with a virgin. I couldn’t picture anything more embarrassing than having to explain why I’d managed to get to such a grand old age without having s*x. There was no way that conversation could go well.

I felt even more connected to Charlie as our bodies moved in unison. I might have only met him a short time ago, but I already felt closer to him than did anyone else—even the people I’d known my entire life. There was just something about this connection that was more intense than anything I’d ever been through before. I knew that my emotions were getting the better of me, and that feelings were growing, but that didn’t diminish my enjoyment. In fact, if anything it made everything feel a million times better.

I liked Charlie, a whole lot.

The pressure built up inside of me until I almost couldn’t take it anymore, until I almost told him to stop. Then it crashed in waves of pleasure over me, sending me flying on cloud nine. I felt my nails dig into his back, I heard myself scream, but I didn’t even care. This was too good for me to even feel self conscious.

As the bliss began to subside, and Charlie’s breathing began to slow down too, I found myself nervously laughing at the situation. I wasn’t feeling awkward or even particularly self-conscious; I just didn’t quite know what to do with myself. I’d never been in this position before, and I had no idea how I was supposed to behave.

“Shall we go to bed?” Charlie asked, taking control of the situation, for which I was extremely grateful. I was also very glad that he wasn’t racing out the door. I wanted him to stay, to cuddle into me desperately, so I nodded and took his hand lightly in mine, leading him down the hallway to my bedroom—a room that no one else had ever been in before. It was usually just me and that damn crack in my ceiling, but I was happy for Charlie to be the first one in there.

I didn’t even bother to put any clothes on, I allowed him to simply see me as I was as we walked. I wasn’t even thinking about the humiliation of my shitty home, I was just glad to have him there.

As we climbed beneath the sheets, and he wrapped his arms around me, I lay my head on his chest listening to his heart beat. I decided to stay awake, to listen to the soothing sound, and to drink up the endless warmth until I found myself alone in this bed once more, but unfortunately exhaustion got its grip on me and I soon found myself succumbing to the darkness.