Living on Borrowed Time

Chapter Eleven

I slept sounder than I expected to, considering there was a stranger in my bed. In fact, I slept so deeply that I didn’t wake up until the sunlight started to shine through my window. That didn’t usually happen because of my blackout curtains, but I was so consumed by Charlie last night that I didn’t even consider closing them, so the brightness of my room was unnerving for the first few moments.

Before my brain could switch on and begin to panic, I turned my very naked body towards the man lying next to me, and drank in his appearance. I just wanted a second to really see him before this all got a little too real—which I was certain that it was going to.

Charlie.

I still couldn’t believe that even happened, I couldn’t believe that I’d had s*x. If he hadn’t stayed the night, if he had scurried home right away afterwards, I would have been tempted to believe that I imagined the entire thing. Me—Lara Rogers—the person who was too shut off to even speak to anyone not that long ago had slept with a very gorgeous guy. And more than that, it was actually amazing. It hadn’t been as awful as I’d imagined it would be when I was younger, I’d really enjoyed it. Maybe even enough to do it again...

Although the prospect of him seeing so much of me, of being so vulnerable in the cold light of day did fill me with a cold sensation of dread. Last night it had been spontaneous, an exciting spur-of-the-moment thing. Planning a repeat was a little too much for me.

I listened to him lightly snoring, clearly comfortable in the bed of someone he didn’t know very well. Again, the thought went through me that he must have been quite experienced at the one night stand to be as calm as he was.

Yep, there it was.

The repulsion that I should have felt last night had finally arrived. It hit me hard that I’d just willingly given my virginity to someone I didn’t know at all, someone that probably slept with anyone and everyone, and that I was just another conquest to. All because he’d been kind to me. That was so unlike anything I’d ever done before, and I was beginning to regret it. What had felt like a little bit of fun, started to become an intense moment of idiocy in my mind.

What sort of girl got naked with someone she’d only just learnt the name of? What did that say about me? Was that really the sort of person that I wanted to be?

I slid carefully out of the bed and raced into the bathroom, trying desperately to tiptoe. I didn’t want the first thing him to wake up to, to be my naked, flawed body. In the heat of passion, with the dark covering us both, I didn’t mind. I didn’t even think about it. Now, it was all that I could focus on. Plus with my mind such a mess, there was no way I’d be able to form a decent conversation with him. Facing him now was going to be embarrassing enough, without me being a stuttering fool to add to that.

I stared at my tired, haggard reflection in disgust. My hair was all shaggy, tousled and messy—but actually it didn’t look as bad as it felt—and the rest of me just looked worn out. And a little stressed. I scrubbed my teeth ferociously, washing my face at the same time, trying to make myself look as presentable as possible. At least if I looked like a human being, I would be one step closer to seeming normal. That left me with the awful task of trying to find something to wear. I couldn’t go back in my bedroom naked; there was no way that I would be able to get away with that twice, I could just guarantee that I’d get caught. But in the bathroom, there were only my pre-worn pyjamas from the night before last. Not a sexy look, but then again, it wasn’t like I had a lot of choice.

I sighed deeply, shoving them on, spraying myself with perfume as I did. I hated that I was so disorganised, that I didn’t have a collection of clothes waiting for me in here, but then again I hadn’t exactly been expecting to need them.

Oh God, oh God, oh God.

Now I had to go back in there.

I sucked in a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself down before I went back out there. I just had no idea what was to be expected of me next. What was the protocol in this sort of situation? Should I hide away until he leaves? Or will he be expecting more of a...sexy welcome. That sent a shiver down my spine—there was no way I felt ready for that.

Even less so since I’d locked myself away in the bathroom, tying myself up in knots of worry.

Would it be more normal to make some coffee and offer that to him? I wasn’t sure, and that was causing me all kinds of anxiety. I wished desperately that I had my phone with me so I could look up ‘how to act after a one night stand’ online to give me a better idea of what should come next. After all, much as I liked the guy, and much as I’d felt a connection when we’d been intimate, if I was truly honest with myself then this was probably all that this was.

It made me feel a little sad at the prospect of not only losing my virginity in such a seedy manner, but also the fact that it was unlikely I’d ever see Charlie again. But I also didn’t want to have my hopes high, expecting something to come of us, to then suffer the crushing sadness when it didn’t. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to cope with that.

“Lara?” A croaky voice broke out, shaking me out of my negative thought spiral before it could get too deep. “Where are you?”

“Um, in the bathroom, one second.” Heart thumping, mouth dry, palms sweating...oh God, I was not ready for this. But I was going to have to face my fears all the same. There was no way I could remain in here now, not if I didn’t want Charlie to think that I was strange.

I stepped tentatively out of the bathroom, wondering where to go first. I couldn’t face the bedroom, not yet. I needed a few more moments to gather myself first. “Do you want a drink?” I called out. The tremble in my voice was evident—I hoped that was only to me.

“Coffee, two sugars. Thank you!” His voice was smiling, I could tell. That was infectious and made me grin too—somehow overriding all of the fear I’d only just been experiencing. Even in the cold, sober light of day, and even from another room, Charlie’s wonderful personality managed to affect me deeply. There really was something special about him, and I couldn’t deny to myself that I hoped this wouldn’t be it. I really did want to see him again. However much I tried to prepare myself for the worst outcome, I knew it was going to hurt me if he was finished with me, no matter what.

As I flicked the kettle on, I thought about his face, his gorgeous body, the way he made me feel...I focused on the good, rather than the bad, and it sent my mood skyrocketing upwards. Fixating on the negative had always been a fault of mine—just another thing that I needed to shake off if I was really going to live.

Really going to live?

That was the first time any thought like that had ever entered my mind. It had always been ‘I don’t know how to live’, or ‘I shouldn’t be alive’, that sort of thing. Never any positive focus on moving forward.

Could I really move forward?

Oh God, that was too much, too deep for this time of the morning, especially when I had a gorgeous man waiting in my bed. I put it in a box in the back of my brain, deciding to return to it later on, when I could really give it the contemplation that it deserved.

I sucked in a deep breath, choosing to be brave and go into the room, to finally face Charlie. I was going to have to do it at some point, and this seemed as good a time as any. I had the drinks in my hand, and no more excuses to keep on avoiding him.

As I walked down my hallway, I forced a determined look onto my face. If I at least looked like I had it all under control, then he might just believe it. I didn’t think I’d have to hold it together for long anyway. He would likely leave soon enough, and I would have all the time to fall apart then.

His smile blew me away once more, the second that I laid eyes on it again. I only needed to look at him for all of my fears, my worries, my anxiety to melt away. Poof, it all just vanished. He just seemed to have this way of making me feel comfortable, that no one else had managed before, and that was a magical quality in my books!

“So—.”

“I—.”

We both started at the same time, before laughing loudly.

“I’m sorry.” I tried again. “I don’t really know what to do after a one night stand.” I tried to chuckle again to prove how totally fine I was with that, but I sounded a little strangled. The strain about the situation was definitely there, much as I wanted to disguise it.

His face seemed to fall at that remark, sending another round of terror coursing through my body. Was that the wrong thing to say? “Um.” He coughed loudly, suddenly avoiding my eyes—looking everywhere but my face. “Yeah, yeah, I...”

“Oh, I thought you’d be well practiced at this.” I continued, unable to stop my motor mouth from sounding off. Internally, I cursed myself like crazy, but it was too late—the words were already out there, and judging by the hurt on Charlie’s face, I’d spoken completely out of turn.

“I have to get off in a bit, I have a work meeting in an hour, but you’ll call me?” He trailed off, as if some realisation has hit him. Maybe he’d said the part about keeping in touch automatically. It was unlikely that he’d want to speak to me again now!

I really was a total i***t! I’d managed to screw everything up with a few ill-advised words.

“Okay, sure. I will.” I smiled blandly, wishing desperately that I could think of something better to say. Even ‘sorry, I didn’t mean it like that’ sounded a bit redundant in my mind.

I watched Charlie take one noisy slurp of his coffee before shoving his clothes back on rapidly, as if he couldn’t wait to get away from me. My chest felt a little hollow and sad, but I kept my lips firmly shut. I was terrified that anything else I’d say would only make things worse, and I really didn’t want to do that.

“Why do you think I’d be ‘practiced at this’?” He suddenly turned to face me, anger plastered across his face.

I felt myself recoil a little, and the shyness set back in. “I...I...”

“Do you think I do this sort of thing all the time?” His tone was bitter, which made me feel stupid for even saying anything. Why had I said that out loud? That was basically calling him a slut. “I...I’m sorry.” I stammer. “I didn’t mean...” Tears pricked at my eyes as I realised just how badly I’d upset him. I’d been so concerned with my own sadness, that I hadn’t even considered the impact of my words.

“Never mind.” Charlie rubbed his hand across his face wearily, preventing me from getting my pathetic excuse out. “Never mind. Let’s just...” He looked at me with sorrow in his eyes, making me feel a million times guiltier than I ever had before. “I’ll leave you my number, then...we’ll see.”

I opened and closed my mouth a few times, trying to find the right words to bring the easiness back between us, to take things back to where they were before I’d spoken, but before any more words could leave my lips, I had a business card in my hand, a very empty apartment and there was a cold chill in the air.