Love the Lost

Truth

Truth

Remus and Haley sat on the couch. Peter changed Ashley on the floor.

P had taken Eric and Little Eric to a doctor's appointment. Eric needed to be reassessed. If he was worse, he'd be bumped up the transplant list.

Eric never wanted to admit that he was dying and perhaps that's why he preferred to be high. Sad fact was, Eric's heart would get weaker; with or without drugs. How hard it is to be a kid and know that you probably won't live as long as your peers.

P had told Remus that their mother's heart was weak but she didn't require a transplant. Each child put strain on her, however. Her heart had stopped with their brother but the doctors were able to revive her. She shouldn't have had Eric but she loved him too much to abort.

Was it the right thing? Who knows. But it was too late to think about it. The past is the past, you can't change it.

Haley nudged Remus and flashed him a bottle. "Hey, wanna take a walk?" She was cheery.

"Sure." Remus stood. "Let's go."

"Please don't get into trouble." Peter said. "And don't do anything to make P mad."

*

"Kevin sounds nice." Haley was beaming. "How long you been crushing on him?" A devilish smile consumed her face.

"You wish." Remus playfully punched her shoulder. "I'm gonna talk to P about letting them live with us."

"She'll say no." Haley chuckled but her smile faded. "I'm serious. I was the limit and you were the exception. P won't say yes."

"She might." Remus argued. "I mean, they don't even live at home."

"Eldest is seventeen, she'll say no." Haley opposed. "Hey Evan..." She twiddled her thumbs. "Are there any girls in the group?" She looked sad, her turquoise eyes slightly glistening. "Are any girls hanging around him?"

"What?" Remus raised an eyebrow. "Of course not! Haley, you're the only girl Eric is with. I promise." She didn't seem to cheer up. "Haley, you're one of the most beautiful girls I know. You may be mean, sometimes, but I know how much you care about Eric." Remus whispered. "You love him. You're just a little clingy."

Haley stared at Remus for a while. She was fighting off a smile.

"Well thanks." She said. "Glad to know I'm hot enough to attract a gay man, such as yourself."

"I'm not gay." Remus stood. "Just shut the hell up! Last time I try to cheer you up."

Haley stared at Remus. She shrugged. "You're just too sensitive." She stood and smiled. "Better be nice to me or I'll tell Eric you hit me."

"He knows I wouldn't do that." Remus tried to stay calm. "Besides, you really think he'd care?"

Haley glanced at the ground. "I suppose he wouldn't." She whispered. "I mean, why would he? He's got his own worries. But ya know what?" She smirked at Remus. "At the end of the day, he's f*****g me."

She stormed inside, her hair flowing behind her. Remus shook his head.

"Stupid bitch." He breathed.

"Told you it was obvious." Marie looked up at her brother. Her toddler eyes were full of hope. "Don't you worry. Haley won't say anything to Eric."

"Sis, can I just be alone?" Remus gave her a weak smile. "The pills are gonna hit me any minute. I won't be able to see you."

"Brother, I don't want to watch you die." Marie whispered. "Why don't you stop the drugs?"

"I'm normal with them, Marie." Remus answered. "And I never feel anything more than happy. It's nice."

"Just be careful." Marie sighed. "I love you."

Remus lay on the ground with his hands behind his head. The snow crunched under his weight and chilled his body. Clouds slowly passed in the sky.

Is it really that obvious or is Haley just being a b***h?

Eric knowing would ruin everything. He'd look down upon Remus. Remus would lose his friends. He couldn't be alone again.

What am I gonna do?

*

Remus heard the ceasing of a car. He lifted his head to see Eric getting out of the car with his nephew in his arms. Little Eric rested his head on Eric's shoulder. Eric gave him a weak smile and kissed his forehead.

P got out of the car and pulled the two into a hug. Smeared mascara rested on P's cheeks. She kissed Eric's forehead then wiped her eyes.

Eric shook his head then began to walk toward the door. Remus sunk back into the snow. He knew he wasn't supposed to see them like this. But he also knew that P would more than likely talk with him about it.

*

P and Peter didn't make dinner. There was no noise; the entire house was quiet.

Eric kept his headphones blasting. He sat with his arms crossed over his chest and his head rested back. His eyes were closed.

"Fuck." Haley plopped down at the table. "What the hell happened?"

Remus shrugged. He didn't plan on talking to her.

"You're not talking either?" Haley huffed.

Remus shrugged again.

"Dick." Haley stomped to their bedroom.

Eric began to chuckle. "You showed her."

Remus looked at Eric but he wasn't sitting any differently. Eric still had his headphones blaring and his eyes closed.

Am I hearing things? Probably, there's no way Eric could hear us.

Remus stood. He needed to talk to P. He wanted an answer; needed an answer. But he couldn't knock on the door.

A part of him was scared to knock. What if the situation was worse than he imagined?

Maybe if I listen first...

Remus pressed his ear to the door.

"He has to stop." P's sobs broke through the silence. "Please, help me. Peter, I don't know how to stop him. I can't stand to see him in pain. I can't say no. Help me, please."

"Sssh." Peter cooed. "Let me think, alright? But you know Eric will have to go to a rehab."

"But can he handle it?" P sounded hopeless. "Withdrawal is horrifying. With his heart the way it is..."

"They'd wean him, P." Peter was reassuring. "They'd make sure he was taken care of."

"I don't know, Peter." P sighed. "You didn't hear his doctor."

"Just give me time to think." Peter said. "I'll help you find the best place for him. We won't let him die."

Remus backed away from the door.

So Eric's heart has gotten worse...

Remus walked outside. He didn't know what he was going to do. He didn't want to get into trouble for eavesdropping. How can I bring it up to them?

*

He woke to the sound of vomiting. In the dark he could make out Haley still fast asleep. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. The vomiting continued.

"Eric?" Remus sleepily walked to the bathroom. Eric was crouching over the toilet. His body was shaking violently. Remus knelt behind him. He slowly reached for the front of Eric's face. Eric's hair was soft in Remus's hands. He carefully brushed against Eric's cheeks as he pulled Eric's hair back.

Neither spoke until Eric was finished. "Why aren't you saying anything?" Eric leaned against the wall. His bangs took their rightful place slightly covering his eyes.

"Because I want you to tell me what's going on." Remus sat on his heels. "You haven't told Haley and P has been in her room since you guys got back."

Eric closed his eyes and slightly smiled. "You are very patient." He said. "Well, P will probably end up telling you anyway." Eric stood and washed out his mouth. He stared into the mirror. "As you know, I had a doctor's appointment today. It was discovered that my condition has worsened. It's not too bad yet. I've been bumped up the list..." Eric hung his head. "But I'm not at a place where I'm going to receive a transplant right away. Otherwise, I'd be in the hospital. P didn't tell my doctor that I've been abusing my meds, but we both know that it's the reason why my heart is worse." Eric turned to Remus with a huge grin on his face. "So I threw up the last of my addiction. Starting tomorrow, I will only take my recommended dosage and nothing else."

Eric's eyes lit up with determination. "And I think you should do the same. Your heart is bad too and you can't see a doctor. You need to take care of yourself." Eric held his hand out. "What do you say? Wanna get clean with me?"

Remus stared at Eric. He was still shaking and his face was pale. Sweat was gathered on his forehead but his smile didn't fade. Hope was in that smile.

Remus took Eric's hand. "Let's do this!"

*

"You both look like shit." Kevin watched them vomit with his head tilted. "Ya'll sick?"

"Yeah." Eric wiped his mouth. "Sorry Kev, I'm gonna go."

Eric walked toward the house. "Coming Evan?"

Remus took deep breaths. His stomach hurt, his sides ached, his heart was pounding, and he was shaking. He felt like he was dying but it'd been two days since he'd saw Kevin and three days since their mission began.

Eric had no intentions of quitting the game and neither did Remus. They still needed money and Remus still wanted to pay his way.

"Imma hang back." Remus answered. "I'll see ya later."

Eric gave him a two fingered wave goodbye. Remus fell back and stared at the sky. Kevin stood over him and shook his head.

"Withdrawal doesn't suit you." He sat beside Remus. "I don't really care why you're torturing yourselves. Well, I do but it's not really my business. Just don't let D see it or he might think you're trying to leave the game and break the partnership." Kevin played on his phone. "I do have a question, however."

Remus raised his head to stare at Kevin. "Yeah?"

"How'd Eric get those scars on his face?" Kevin placed his phone in his lap. "He said that he'd gotten into different fights and just had bad luck with knives but I don't believe him. They look bad but I didn't want to ask the truth and piss him off."

"Oh," Remus sat up. "um...look, Eric's got bad depression." Remus was unsure what words to use to explain. P had struggled explaining it herself. "He...he's cut himself pretty much everywhere. I guess when he ran out of places on his body, he just began to cut his face. He's actually really ashamed of the cuts."

"He shouldn't be ashamed." Kevin shook his head. "We all do crazy things and cuts are just a sign that the world beat ya down too much."

"His dad beat him down. He always told Eric that he was a useless monster." Remus whispered. "Poor kid never had a chance."

Kevin grabbed Remus's arm. He pushed his sleeve up and rubbed his thumb over Remus's wrist, gently passing over his scars.

"You too...but you hide them better. I wouldn't have seen them if it weren't for one time where your sleeve went up a bit." Kevin released Remus's wrist to reveal his own scars. "Parents."

"Parents." Remus sighed with a nod.

"Funny huh? Our parents are supposed to protect us and keep us safe. They're supposed to be our shields against the darkness of this world, and yet some parents are the darkness." Kevin looked as though he was going to cry.

"It is sad." Remus agreed.

"Keep this between us." Kevin's voice cracked. "Luke doesn't know and I really don't want him to."

"No worries." Remus agreed.

Kevin laid beside Remus. "So, why are you two trying to get clean? I actually want to know."

Remus sighed. "You're so much like me."

But it's nice to be kept in the loop.

*

Remus was greeted with Eric's favorite band blaring from the house. Eric loved the band, their music speaking of pain. The band helped Eric feel better when he was most vulnerable. But he also used them when he was in his cutting moods.

Remus found Eric in the bathroom, sitting with his box. He closed the door and sat beside Eric. "Peter still at the park?"

"Yep." Eric opened his box. "And P is still at work." He handed Remus a knife. Eric had reserved it for Remus after they'd first met. Eric would always clean his knives with rubbing alcohol and bleach.

"What's the occasion?" Remus stared at his blurry reflection.

"It'll help with the withdrawal." Eric stated. "Endorphins and all that. Besides, the cutting will take our minds off the pain."

Eric slid the blade down his arm. His blood bubbled from the wound. He smiled at the sight. "Kinda works."

Remus knew that it wouldn't help him. The withdrawal pain was too strong. His stomach ached, his head pounded, he couldn't breathe completely right, and the world was half out of focus. Cutting wouldn't make it stop; drugs would.

However, Remus slid the knife across his skin. It burned like a paper cut and shifted into a dull throb. The cut sent a relief through Remus, if only just a small one.

"Dinging deeper..." Eric's voice sang with the lyrics. His voice sent chills down Remus's spine; it touched his soul and filled him with peace. I love his voice.

A few cuts later and blood was seeping from both of them. They hadn't cut too deep but they both felt good.

"How much longer you think it'll take to get clean?" Remus pulled his sleeves over his cuts. He hadn't placed a band-aid on them. His shirt would become attached to the cuts and the blood would dry with the shirt somewhat inside the cut. It would be then that Remus would pull on his sleeves, pulling the sleeves from their bloody tomb. This would send another sensation through him, much like the first cut. He'd then let his sleeves rub over the cuts numerous times, each one sending a pulsating pain through his arm. That's what made him love cutting the most.

"Hopefully not too much longer." Eric was washing his cuts. "Make sure you keep those clean. You don't need an infection."

"Not like it matters." Remus shrugged.

"It does. You could get sick." Eric insisted. "Keep them clean."

"I will." Remus said. "Don't worry."

Remus helped Eric clean the bathroom. Eric walked to his room and hid his box. "You hungry?" He held onto the door frame.

"No." Remus positioned himself closer to Eric. He was pale and was holding his head. "You alright?"

"I'm just really light headed." Eric closed his eyes. "I might just need to eat...maybe drink."

"Do you need help?" Remus was now beside Eric.

"Nah." Eric let go of the door frame. He took a few steps forward before tumbling.

Remus was barely able to catch Eric. "Let me help you." He whispered.

"I need to lie down." Eric slid his arm around Remus's shoulders. "And Evan, no hospital."

*

Remus sat next to Eric the entire afternoon. He watched his chest rise and fall with ease. Remus felt relief. The withdrawal was certainly taking its toll on Eric. He barely slept at night and Remus caught him grabbing at his chest a few times.

The stress was bad for his heart. Remus had tried to convince him to go off slowly but Eric wanted to be completely clean in as short a time as possible.

P quietly opened the door. She waved at Remus to approach. She made him sit on the couch and grabbed his wrist.

"Do you two think I'm an i***t?" She shook her head. "I know what you two are doing." She dropped his wrist and sighed. "You're both being stupid."

Remus was in shock. He honestly didn't think P knew about their plan.

"Your heart is erratic." P shook her head. "If we don't fix it, you could die." P walked to her bedroom.

"You done pissed her off now." Peter shuttered. "You better run. She's on her monthly and work was horrible today. If she didn't want to save lives, you'd probably be a dead kid right now."

"I care for you kids." P mumbled. "I cook for you. I clean up your messes. I even helped you run away! I kept you alive for four months! Yet, how am I repaid? With stupidity! At least Eric is taking his pills! But you aren't taking anything!" P shook pills into her hand. "Just trying to undo my hard work." She shoved the pills into Remus's hand. "Take them."

"No P!" Remus pushed the pills back to her. "I can't! Please don't make me!"

"Evan, listen to me." P began to speak in a calm tone. "You have to take these right now. You have to keep your heart regulated or you will die, Evan."

"No, P." Remus grunted. "I need to be completely clean before I try again. I don't trust myself, P. I don't."

Fuck, fuck...I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Damn, my chest hurts. I can't breathe. Why is she doing this to me?

He could feel his heart skipping beats. His throat felt like it was closing.

"Peter, inhaler!" P barked. She forced his arms above his head with one arm. "Breathe, kid." She stuffed two pills into his mouth. "And swallow those."

Remus forced the pills down. His vision was blurring and his chest felt tight.

"Breathe Evan." A cold spray entered his throat. He coughed and wheezed. "Just breathe." P held Remus to her. "You have to take your pills, Evan. And just breathe."

"Why'd...you..." Remus's cough overcame his words.

P rubbed his back. "You can't stop taking the medication. Your heart will stop. You will die."

Tears formed in Remus's eyes. "I can't keep doing this." He fell into P. She rubbed his back. "I wanna be strong P. I wanna be clean."

"I know honey," P whispered. "and I'm gonna help you. You two don't have to do this alone."

*

"You're serious." Haley was pacing back and forth. "You gave it up? You gave up heaven?"

"It was killing us, Haley." Eric rolled his eyes. "I've told you that already."

"But you love it!" Haley argued. "It's the only peace in this world."

Eric grabbed her, forcing her to look into his eyes.

"Yes, the world is shit." He whispered. "Yes, all I want is to down the pills. I don't want to be sober. I don't want to be in pain. But I don't want to leave my sister either. I don't want to leave my niece and nephew. I don't want to abandon Evan or you." Eric pulled her close. "I care about you Haley. I don't want you to face this world without me." He gently pressed his lips to hers.

She soon deepened the kiss. Remus watched her bite Eric's lip and watched as he grazed his teeth over her tongue.

"Have fun you two." Remus backed out, closing the door.

If they were high, Remus would've stayed and watch. He'd envy Haley. He'd want to feel Eric's touch; his kiss. He'd imagine Eric's soft lips on his; their tongues would meet and their naked bodies would be intertwined. That's all he ever wanted.

But he wasn't high. He couldn't watch. He had to leave.

"P, I'll be back later!" He shouted as he backed toward the front door. "I'm gonna meet up with a friend!"

"Be back by nine!" P replied. "And don't you dare get into trouble!"

Remus walked out. It'd been two weeks and he was feeling fantastic. Yes, he missed the high and the peace he had felt but he had to be sober. He wasn't completely disappointed, however. The sober life left him with a clear head and a greater understanding of how the world operated. His heart stopped beating out of rhythm. His asthma attacks lessened. Remus was healthy.

But the others couldn't know. Luke and D wouldn't understand.

They were still selling. It was the only trade they knew. When offered a fix, they'd hide the pills under their tongues then discard them at home or once they were out of site from the group. It was easy for them to pretend to be high; they lived that way their entire lives.

Remus's head was full, thoughts speeding through.

Why do I find Kevin and Eric attractive? Is it their bodies? Eric is muscular, but Kevin is a twig. How are they attractive? Eric...strong and beautiful. Somewhat of a feminine face, toned muscles. Hair perfectly cut. Eyes bluer than the sky around the moon. Lips as soft as pedals. Intelligent, kind, compassionate. He'd do anything for me. But Kevin...skin of an angel. Beautiful, feminine face. Small frame; brown eyes and thin lips...if only I could kiss them. Truthful, caring and shy. They are so different and I love them both. What's wrong with me?

*

Kevin invited Remus in. Luke and D were preparing their arms. "Kev, go." Luke pushed on his brother's leg.

"Luke, nothing is going to happen. I'm not an idiot." Kevin swatted his hands away. "But I am human and it is freezing outside. I ain't about to get hypothermia."

"If you touch any of this s**t, I will kill you." Luke practically plunged the needle into his arm. "Stay only tainted. Don't become a black hole."

Kevin hugged his brother. "You aren't a black hole." He whispered.

"Get that gay s**t outta here." D growled. "That s**t ain't allowed in my house."

"He's just a kid, D." Luke smiled. "He doesn't know what gay means."

"Yeah." Kevin rolled his eyes. "Let's go with that one."

Kevin and Remus sat against he front door. Kevin popped pill after pill. His eyes barely open.

Remus made sure D and Luke were out. He then turned to Kevin. "Kev, I gotta tell you something."

Kevin slowly looked at Remus. "Yeah?"

"Eric and I are sober now. We did it." Remus stated. "I think you should stop too."

Kevin smiled and bit his bottom lip while stroking Remus's cheek. He let his hand fall a few seconds later. "Nah, I think I'm good. This way I can dream."

Remus just nodded. He couldn't force Kevin to listen. Besides, he knew the feeling.

Remus had barely been able to sleep. Often, he'd used the drugs to tone out the spirits; now nothing held them back. They would shriek and cry. He did his best to ignore them but he was getting little peace. He did love being clean but hated the sleepless nights.

"You've got a great brother." Remus pointed to Luke.

"Yeah, he acts like a dad though." Kevin smiled. "It's good to have an authority figure, I guess. To have someone old enough to tell you want to do and actually care about you. Do you got someone like that? Eric doesn't count."

"Two actually." Remus nodded. "Eric's sister is like a mom and her boyfriend is like a dad. They're constantly worrying, provide food, and they care."

"Better than real parents." Kevin whispered.

"Way better." Remus agreed.

Kevin fell into Remus, cackling. His head rested in his lap and he stared up at him.

"Do you miss it?" Kevin asked. "This feeling?"

"All the time." Remus blushed. It felt strange to have Kevin's head sitting near his p***s. Sure, he'd fantasized about performing s****l acts with Kevin but he doubted it'd really happen.

Kevin placed his hand on Remus's chest. "But your heart can't take it."

"Yeah..." Remus's cheeks felt as though they were burning.

"Hey, is Eric ever showing up?" Kevin allowed his hand to slide down Remus, sending chills through his body.

"I don't know." Remus shrugged. "When I left, he was fucking."

"Oh." Kevin whispered.

Kevin's body began to shake. His eyes rolled back into his head..

"Shit." Remus rolled Kevin off of him. "Kevin! Can you hear me?"

Remus listened to Kevin produce gasps. He placed his hand on Kevin's chest but his body was moving too much for him to feel his heartbeat.

Okay think. P said to make sure he doesn't hurt himself. Put him on his side.

Remus scanned around Kevin and then rolled him onto his side, keeping him from hitting the wall.

Okay, he's safe. How do I stop it?

Remus rushed over to Luke. "Dude, your brother's having a seizure!" He shook him. "Luke please! I don't know what to do!"

Luke didn't budge. His breathing was slow. He was out.

Fuck it, I'll just call Eric.

Eric had given him the phone when he'd recovered from his coma. He said it was so he could call him if he were ever in trouble again.

"What's going on?" Eric asked in a groggy voice.

"I'm freaked." Remus felt his fear leave with his voice. "Kevin is having a seizure! Luke won't wake up! I don't know what to do!"

"f**k!" There was a thud. "I'll be over soon. Did he O.D?"

"No, he just has seizures." Remus answered. "What the hell do I do?"

"Just keep him in a safe place." Eric answered. "Put the phone by his mouth so that I can hear his breathing."

Remus placed his phone on speaker and held it to Kevin's mouth. He made quick gasps with every tremor.

"Fuck." Eric breathed.

"What?" Remus's heart was racing.

"Nothing." Eric answered. "Just keep him safe and if the seizure stops before I get there, make sure his heart hasn't stopped.”

The call continued. Remus sat next to Kevin. His heart felt as though it was about to beat out of his chest.

Kevin's lips began to turn blue. Remus went into a panic.

"Eric, he's turning blue!" He shouted. "Eric, what do I do?!"

"Nothing." Eric answered. "Just wait until it stops. You can't do anything until it stops. I'll be there soon."

Remus heard the roar of a car engine before the call ended.

"Shit." Remus breathed.

Kevin's tremors ceased. Remus placed his ear to Kevin's chest. He heard his heart racing.

Remus sighed. Kevin's breathing was shallow and his lips were still blue but he was alive.

"Kev." Remus gently shook him. "Kev, please wake up. Kevin, please."

Kevin remained still.

What do I do? Should I keep shaking him? Should I shout? Maybe...he was so comfortable laying on me...

Remus pulled Kevin into his lap. "I've got ya buddy." He glided his hand down Kevin's cheek. His skin was soft, like brushing a feather. He admired Kevin's lips if he had to describe them; they'd be in between thin and thick and shaped like a bow.

His lips were a deep blue and his breaths still shallow. Remus didn't want him to die because he failed to help him.

Should I help him breathe? What if that's why he won't wake up?

Remus lifted Kevin's torso up. He was light, like holding a child. It was easy for Remus to hold Kevin's chest against his.

Here goes...

Remus leaned toward Kevin, his soft breaths tickled Remus's face. Kevin coughed, causing Remus to jerk back. A slight moan escaped Kevin's throat. His eyes sleepily opened.

Remus hugged Kevin. The panic and fear finally overcame him. Tears streamed down his cheeks and his breaths became ragged. "Thank you for waking up." He squeezed Kevin. "You're not dead. You're not dead."

"What happened?" Kevin asked, his voice shaking.

"You had a seizure." Remus sobbed. "You were turning blue."

"Oh." Kevin whispered. "Evan, I'm okay." He gently pushed away to stare into Remus's eyes. "I'm alright."

Remus shook his head. His sobbing continued. He was used to being the one in trouble, not being the witness.

"I couldn't wake Luke." Remus whispered. "I was scared. I thought..."

"Evan." Kevin interrupted Remus. "I'm fine."

Eric swung the door opened. "Evan is...oh." He stared at Kevin and Remus. "You're conscious."

"Yeah." Kevin answered, sliding off of Remus.

"You're still blue." Eric sat in front of him. "Dizzy?"

"Bit." Kevin answered. "I'm fine."

"You ever been blue this long before?" He checked Kevin's pulse.

"No..." Kevin pulled his wrist away. "I'm fine."

"When was the last time you saw your doctor?" Eric stared deep into Kevin's eyes.

"Last year." Kevin looked away. "You're freaking me out."

"You're going to have another." Eric stated. "I can tell."

"No, I just...didn't take enough meds." Kevin whispered. "Got the numbers wrong..."

"Kev, I've seen a lot of s**t in my thirteen years of life. You're probably going to have another." Eric said. "Evan, help me get him to the car."

"Why?" Kevin asked.

"You're going to see our world." Eric pulled him to his feet. "And you better not f**k with it."

"In just one short month, a lot had changed. My hero was dying faster than anticipated. He had to get clean to live and I had to get clean for him. I'll admit I had a fondness for both Kevin and Eric. P was difficult with us but she wanted us to get better. She was like our mom, constantly caring. I loved her. I'm not sure how Eric knew Kevin would have another seizure but he did; halfway home. It didn't last very long, but I was still very afraid."