Love the Lost

Darkness

Darkness

The world around him was dark. He felt his heart beating, but it was slow and weak. He couldn't feel himself breathing, but he knew that he had to be; otherwise his heart wouldn't be beating.

"Remy." Remus heard his sister cry. He felt his consciousness leaving him. "Brother please.” What have I done? He wasn't ready. He didn't get to send the letters. No one would ever know the truth, and his parents would always be free. He felt his soul leaving his body.

He stood above his body, not yet dead. He called it spirit walking, but others know it as astral projection. Remus couldn't always control it and would get pulled from his body, often during his near-death overdoses.

"Damn." Remus stared at his body. His whole face was swollen and bloody. His throat had purple fingerprints around it. "I look like complete shit."

Marie wrapped her arms around him; this was the only time they could touch each other.

"Now get back inside your body!" She demanded. "You're way too weak. You could become possessed or die!"

"I don't think I can, sis." Remus's hand went through his body. "I'm gonna die."

"No." Marie grabbed his shoulders. "You can fight this. And then mommy will call an ambulance like the last time daddy hurt you."

"No sister." Remus gave her a gentle smile. "I'm nothing now. They don't care because grandmother doesn't care."

"But..."

Remus heard his window slide open. He watched as Eric's face appeared in his window frame. "Evan!" He gasped and propelled himself inside.

Eric checked Remus's pulse. "Evan, what the f**k did they do to you?!" He tilted Remus's chin, cleared his airway and breathed into him. "I gotta get you to P."

Eric slid his arms under Remus and lifted him. Remus watched Eric set his body outside, and he followed it. Eric came outside a short time later. Once again, he scooped Remus up and took off toward P's.

Remus wasn't completely amazed at Eric's ability to carry him. After all, Eric was almost six feet tall and muscular while Remus was five foot six and weighed about seventy pounds, if that.

Eric kept Remus close to his chest. Remus watched as his head bobbed back and forth.

"I thought he was in jail." Marie raced beside Remus. "Not that I'm not happy about him saving you, but still."

"They must've let him go." Remus smiled. "Probably because they lack evidence or something like that. But he won't be able to save me."

*

"P!" Eric nearly broke the front door off of its hinges. "P, I need help!" He laid Remus on the dining room table and checked his pulse again. He gave Remus another breath when P came rushing in.

"What did you do?!" She screamed. "Is he even alive?!"

"His pulse is thready, and he's barely breathing." Eric breathed into him a third time. "His chest barely rises, and his parents did this not me!"

"He's been strangled." P traced her fingers over Remus's neck. "Peter, bring me your inhaler and my bag!"

Eric breathed into him again, but it only filled his cheeks. "s**t, sis!" Eric sounded scared but tried again with no progress. "P, it stopped working! I can't get any breath into him."

"This is it." Remus closed his eyes. "Will you come with me, Marie?"

"Calm down." P said. "He's having an asthma attack. I heard it when I came in. I'm going to do all I can, but he needs to go to a hospital."

"No, he can't!" Eric argued. "If he goes, then he'll go back to them! They'll get away with it! You saw his records! They shot him and got away with it!"

"Eric, his injuries are severe." P tried to remain calm. "I'm not a doctor."

"He can't go back!" Eric screamed.

"He can't stay!" P yelled. "That's kidnapping! Having Haley is bad enough!"

"I made sure they wouldn't look for him!" Eric said. "I left them drugs and a note that said for them not to look for him! He won't be a liability!

So that's why it took him a bit to climb out after me.

"Eric, you're too young to understand!" P shook her head. "He needs a hospital."

"And I need him!" Eric teared up. "Please, P."

"Fine." She closed her eyes. "Move over."

*

Darkness surrounded Remus. He felt like he'd been away for centuries. At first, he thought that he'd died, but he could still feel his heart beating.

He wasn't sure where he was or what had made him leave the presence of his body. Marie was nowhere to be found. Remus was lonely and a bit frightened.

Despite the darkness, he could still see things moving around. The shadows, which once kept their distance, were now creeping beside him.

He would hear voices coming from the beings. They would tell him to hold his breath or hit himself in the chest. They would offer him a kiss or a hug, but he dared not let them touch him.

As hard as he tried, he couldn't go back. It was as though he was a prisoner to the dark. Sometimes he'd hear Eric or P telling him to breathe and fight. All he wanted was to touch them.

Not everything was dark, however. Every so often, a girl would appear, and when she appeared, a small light would accompany her. She was beautiful, with light brown eyes and chestnut hair. She had at least a C bust, maybe a pant size of five. She had a kind heart and would talk so gently with Remus.

He didn't know how she wasn't stuck. And she didn't know why he couldn't go with her. She always said that she had to go back, but she never explained where "back" was. Regardless of the mystery, Remus loved having time with her.

*

"Hi." The girl smiled at him. "I see that you're still here."

"Yeah, but at least you came back." He returned the smile.

Remus liked her. She was a pretty awesome girl. She'd chat with him about TV shows, most of which Remus didn't know, food, school...he wasn't adept in talking about such things. He'd told her how he'd been beaten by his father and used drugs. She never talked about her life, and Remus figured that it was probably just too hard for her.

Remus felt sorry for her. She was the same age as him. He couldn't imagine how hard it would be to die that young. But she was always so sweet and kind.

"I wish that I could help you." The girl sighed. "Are you sure that you aren't dead?"

"Positive." Remus placed his hand on his chest. "I can feel my heart beating."

"That's weird." The girl shrugged. "Anyway, what do you wanna do?"

"Not really sure." Remus answered. "Just anything to keep the shadows outta my head."

"What even are those creatures?" The girl watched the shadows move for a bit.

"I don't know. People call them demons, shadow people and plenty of other things." Remus explained. "It's weird."

"Ah." The girl whispered.

A sharp pain exploded in Remus's chest. His knees buckled and he fell forward. His heart thumped, and he felt his breathing cease.

"f**k!" The girl shrieked. "What's going on?"

"I'm..." Remus gasped. "dying."

*

His soul blurred past cities; light and dark. All the while, Remus moaned and gasped. He could feel his heart stopping. Am I going to Heaven?

Suddenly, he saw his body from the inside. He saw his brain and somehow understood that it was alright. He saw his lungs and knew that it wasn't asthma that was taking him. "My heart." He whispered to himself as it came into view. Remus could feel it straining to beat. It couldn't handle the stress of his healing body.

"No!" Remus saw Eric doing compressions on his battered body. "P, his heart stopped!"

Remus stared at his face. His eyes and lips were still swollen. He then saw Marie from the corner of his eye.

"Remy!" She hugged him. "Where have you been?!"

"Darkness." Remus answered. "How long have I been gone?"

"A month." Marie sighed. "And you need to go to a hospital. They have no idea if you have internal injuries."

"I don't." Remus whispered. "I saw inside...it's my heart. Sis, it's too late." Remus watched as Eric breathed into his body.

So many times he had desired those lips on his own. To feel his warm embrace; his body against Remus's. All Remus ever wanted was to be with Eric, if only once. Now, Eric's lips were on his to only save him. He would never get the chance to share a kiss with Eric.

"Remus Evan Stone, you get back into that body of yours right now!" Marie ordered. "Please, baby brother! You have to live for me! Please!"

Remus shook his head. "Sister, I'm too tired to keep going. I've lived long enough." He watched Eric carefully pinch his nose, noticing a tube in one nostril.

What is that?

A machine instructed Eric to deliver a shock.

Marie took Remus's hand and attempted to pull him toward his body. She wanted him to try and touch it. She had so much hope that there was a chance for her brother to live.

"No." Remus shook his head. "Marie, my heart is too weak. There is no chance."

"P!" Eric screamed again. "Help me!"

Remus pulled his hand away from his sister and positioned himself behind Eric. He watched his shoulders bob up and down with each press. Eric was sweating and breathing hard. He was tired.

Remus's hand went through Eric's shoulder as he tried to comfort his friend. He placed his lips next to Eric's ear and sighed. "Eric, it's okay. Please, you can let me go. Just let me go."

"You aren't leaving me." Eric grumbled as if he could hear Remus. He lifted his hands higher than he had been and pressed down harder.

Remus felt his heart jolt. His body took a breath and he could feel the air filling his lungs.

Eric's head collapsed onto Remus's chest and began to cry. Remus had never witnessed Eric crying before. "P, where are you?" He sobbed. "I almost lost him." He squeezed Remus's shirt in his hand. "Please don't leave me, Evan. Just keep fighting."

"Eric." Remus tried to comfort his friend, but his hands just went through him. "Damn it!"

Haley came in and removed some blaring headphones and popped some gum. She raised an eyebrow and tilted her head. "f**k's wrong with you?"

Eric glared at her. "Evan just nearly died! His heart stopped! Where the f**k is P?!"

"She took some sleeping meds; her and Peter both." Haley muttered. "And I had my music on loud. Sorry."

"Sorry?" Eric spat. "I almost lost him! He wasn't...his heart..." Eric began to hyperventilate.

"Eric, calm down." Remus whispered. "It's okay. I'm okay." He ached to hug his friend and tell him that everything was fine.

He tried, in vain, to touch his friend. He cursed then grew frustrated. He finally reached for his body and felt a jolt. Darkness surrounded him again.

*

"You're back." The girl smiled.

Remus sat on the ground, in tears. He wanted to comfort Eric, chat with P and watch the kids play. He wanted to eat P's delicious food and splash Eric while they cleaned the dishes.

"Boy?" The girl reached out and touched him. "Why are you crying? What happened?" She fell to her knees and wrapped her arms around him.

"My friend is hurting pretty badly." Remus whispered. "He saved me...but I'm hurting him by not being with him. It's killing him..."

"How is it killing him?" The girl stroked the back of Remus's hair.

"His heart is worse than mine." Remus whispered. "This stress will kill him."

"Why can't you go back?" The girl asked.

"Because of how badly my father beat me up." Remus shook his head. "He beat the f**k out of me and left me for dead. My heart's weak. I'm weak."

"How long has it been?" The girl kissed his forehead. "Have they still not brought you to a hospital?"

"A month and, no because my parents would be contacted." Remus answered. "My friends would get into trouble."

Remus wrapped his arms around the girl. Her skin was cold but soft. Remus imagined how amazing she must've been when she was alive.

"I'm so sorry." The girl whispered. "But hey, you'll have me for a while. I'm stuck here too."

"Why?" Remus searched her eyes. They glistened in her light with a subtle happiness.

"Not sure." She looked away. "But it's fine. It seems like you need company."

"You don't want to be here." Remus cupped her cheek in his hand. "Don't you hear those voices? The shadows? They can get into your head. Make you do things that you don't wanna do."

"If we keep talking, then we won't hear them," The girl smiled. "will we?"

Remus chuckled and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "You're right."

The girl smiled and laid on her back. She placed her hands under her head and stared up at Remus. "Feel like lying down?"

Remus nodded and joined her on the ground. She placed her head on his chest then stared at him with a confused look on her face.

"You okay?" Remus asked her.

"Uh...yeah." She laid her head back down. "I uh...just didn't know you were so skinny."

"Sorry." Remus felt his cheeks grow hot.

"No, it's fine." She giggled. "It's quite refreshing."

Her hair tickled Remus's nose. He breathed her in, smelling a subtle scent of blueberries. He felt his body reacting to every gentle touch. No one had ever held or touched him like this. No one had ever been this gentle.

"Why are you so kind to me?" Remus asked. "You don't even know me."

The girl shook her head and grabbed Remus's arm. She pushed up his sleeve and rubbed her thumb across his scars. "But I do." She whispered. "You are exactly like me." She pulled her sleeves up to reveal her own scars. "You hurt, just like I do."

Remus took her hands and gently kissed each scar. "Life is hard." He whispered. "I'm sorry that I'm not stronger."

"We don't have to be stronger than the world." The girl whispered. "We weren't designed to be stronger. It's fully against us. We're weak."

"No, sweetie." Remus gently kissed the top of her head. "These scars show our strengths. Every time we survived one of the cuts, it was just another battle we survived."

"Survived?" The girl shook her head. "More like suffered through. I hate that I cut...but I can't help it. Each time...it feels amazing. I feel better." She began to tear up. "I don't want to cut anymore, Remus...but I don't think I can stop."

"I know exactly how that feels." Remus closed his eyes. "I just wish I could be normal for once and completely pain-free."

"Yeah." The girl agreed.

For a moment, there was nothing but silence. Remus heard the voices creeping into his mind. Once again, they told him to hold his breath and give into death. He wondered why they wanted him dead so desperately. He was nothing, a nobody.

"But the pain will always be there." Remus broke the silence. "I don't think I'm strong enough to fight it."

"Me neither." The girl sighed.

"How'd you end up in this place? Stuck like this?" Remus asked. "Why did you cut?"

"Life just...my parents are terrible." The girl seemed hesitant. "But you understand, right? I mean, your parents have been hurting you for years."

"Yeah." Remus answered. "At least you're safe here."

"Safe?" The girl scoffed. "Those creatures want us dead, it's dark, and I can't even hear my thoughts. I don't know whether or not this is a dream anymore."

A dream? Oh f**k, she doesn't know that she's dead.

She wasn't the first spirit Remus had met, that were unaware of their passing. Most of the time, that's what kept them tied to the world. Their souls would remain until they accepted their deaths. Sometimes Remus would manage to get them to listen and to understand. But the other times he didn't want to talk to them. Spirits only bothered or scared him.

This girl was the only spirit that had never bothered him. She spoke usual and understood everything about him. She was kind and funny; smart and beautiful. She touched him with gentle hands and looked at him with a spark in her eyes.

Remus wasn't sure what he was going to do with her. Was he just supposed to let her keep thinking that this was a dream, that he was? He could tell her and then she might disappear, and he'd be alone all over again. Remus didn't want to be alone again. Besides, his heart stopped once, that he knew of, and he was sure it'd cease again. He'd wait. He would tell her, but not until he was dead too.

*

P injected adrenaline into Remus. Eric pushed hard on Remus's chest. It'd been three minutes since his heart had stopped, but they weren't giving up.

Remus stared at his face. It was almost completely healed, with only two purple eyelids as evidence of the beating. It'd been three months. He felt sorry for his friends, they had kept him alive and was healing him...all for him to just die.

"Come on, Evan." P whispered. "Breathe for us."

Eric had tears streaming down his cheeks. He'd broke into a sweat and was gasping. He didn't want to let Remus go.

"Evan..." P closed her eyes. "Please..."

Remus felt his heart pound. "f**k!"

*

He was alone in the dark again. The girl had disappeared, what felt like, a few days prior. She said that she felt strange and could hear people talking to her. She didn't say what exactly the people said, but she seemed sad. Remus figured that she would probably never come back.

He was counting on his heart to give out. How long can my heart possibly keep beating? It's weak. This is too much stress. Why won't I die?

"Why won't you just let me die?!" Remus screamed into the darkness.

Did he believe in god? Yeah, he was adamant that god had stopped caring for him a long time ago. He believed that god was just some monster who loved watching people suffer. A loving god didn't make sense in this world full of pain and sorrow.

God was torturing him now, making his heart continue to beat. Is it god? No, god doesn't deserve the credit. It was Remus's heart. It just wouldn't stop beating, because someone cared enough to keep it going. It was Eric's efforts and P's drugs. They loved him enough to keep him alive. God has nothing to do with this.

Remus understood now that he had to fight and live. God couldn't take the credit and Remus wouldn't let him. But one problem remained, Remus still didn't know how to get back and when he tried touching his body, he'd be sent back into the darkness; only to wait for his heart to cease once more.

*

"I love you Remus." The girl stood before him. She was bloody, charred, and looked as though she'd been burned. Her smile was weak, and her eyes were full of sorrow.

Remus had never observed her like this before. Why does she look like this? How does she know my name? He reached out to touch her, once soft, cheek.

"Ow." A jolt sprung through his arm. The girl transformed into a dark shadow that crept up his arm. They'd tricked him. The shadows knew that he couldn't resist touching the girl. He cared for her, despite not knowing her name. A sweet, loving girl would be his death.

"Get off of him!" The girl's hand gripped Remus's shoulder. The shadow hissed and disappeared into the dark. The girl hugged Remus. "Are you okay?"

Remus held her close. He'd missed her, and she'd just saved his life. That dark entity would've killed him. "I've missed you." He kissed her forehead.

She smiled at him, her brown eyes twinkling. "Well, I knew something was up. I was just sitting in class when my head got real fuzzy, and I heard you scream. Next thing I know, I'm back here."

"Yeah, that creature pre..." Remus's brain pondered her words, 'sitting in class.'. They didn't make any sense. How could she be in class? She's dead.

"Boy?" The girl gently touched his face. "Are you alright? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"I thought I was." Remus shook his head. "You were in class?"

"Yeah." Confusion was in the girl's voice. "I probably dozed off. I haven't slept much the past couple of days."

"Sleep?" Remus grew more confused. "How can you sleep?"

He knew that she wasn't one of those spirits that got stuck in time. The ones that do just reenact the same thing over and over again. Those spirits hardly notice anything around them, and most would never be free. They never go anywhere, and none would ever be in this dark place.

"Everyone sleeps." The girl shrugged. "Are you okay?"

"No." Remus slightly stepped back. "None of this makes sense, you..."

Remus felt a pain in his chest. He fell to his knees and gasped. Soon the pain spread through his body. His bones ached, his head pounded and his throat burned.

"Hey!" The girl knelt beside him. "Are you okay?"

Remus shook his head. He was feeling everything his body felt. He was going back.

"I'm going back." He groaned. "I'll probably never come back here."

The girl stared at Remus with confusion and tears in her eyes.

"You can't leave." The girl whispered. "I still need you."

Remus forced a smile. "You need...to leave." He felt his spirit being pulled with more force. His body wanted him back.

The girl shook her head. She gently placed her hands on his cheeks. "This will sound corny," she leaned close to Remus. "but I'm going to miss you." Her soft lips brushed against Remus's.

He felt butterflies emerging from the pain in his body. Everything seemed to freeze and, for a split moment, Remus was happy. Her lips were as soft as feathers and as sweet as peaches. Their kiss deepened, his heart slowed, but a different heart was pounding.

Remus could feel the heartbeat of another person. It was as though it was becoming his own. Whose heart is that? Mine is slow; this is fast. Is someone holding me? Is it Eric? Maybe it's P's?

The girl backed away and took Remus's hand. She sighed then pulled it to her chest. He felt the fast beating of her heart.

"You aren't a ghost?!"

"I was in that darkness for four months. I'm still not completely sure what that place was but that girl, she was everything in that location. Yeah, Eric and P kept me alive with an IV and pain medication, but the girl gave me hope in the darkness. She understood my pain, talked to me like I was a person and held my heart with her smile. I really did love her. It's hard to explain exactly why. She was smart; anything I didn't know, she knew. She always managed to make me laugh. She knew when to talk and when to listen or hold me. We didn't need to know each other's names because we felt like we were already best friends. I don't know how I couldn't tell that she was alive. Unfortunately, I ran out of time to find out who she was. I regret not asking her name now. I could've found her. But I didn't think it was important. After all, why would I need to know the name of a ghost?"