Don Vidal

20 - Don't hide it inside

Marnie

The Don has the power to literally tear a man apart. He’ll have more officials in his back pocket than you can shake a stick at. You will never be safe from him. You cannot hide because someone will find you and quickly drag you back to him. The Don will kill you or have you killed in the worst way imaginable, not just for leaving him, but because you might know a little too much about his business, even if you know nothing at all.

The things I read had me shaking so much, and I was so scared that I vomited. I’m not used to this kind of violence. I don’t want to know my baby’s father has set fire to people, slit throats, shot, gutted, and maimed, and God only knows what else to people.

Something Draven said to Tony made me realize that even the Elders weren’t in charge of the Vidal Family. Draven is in charge through and through; he is a man you do not mess with.

Tony told Draven that day, the day I stood outside his study here at the house, that Carlos and Louis got what they deserved. Two Elders who had no right to take it upon themselves to torture me when Draven had explicitly told them that I was off limits. Not just to them but to everyone. Draven has warned them what would happen if they went against him. I like that Draven is making sure that I’m safe, but the thoughts of him torturing people are making me ill.

I’ve had one or two nightmares since reading up on the Mafia. I wake up shaking and try not to scream out and wake Draven. I don’t want him to think he’s marrying a weak woman, especially when I’m not having nightmares about what happened to me. I never wanted to be any kind of embarrassment to Draven, and I was scared that I’d be seen as such if anyone found out about the nightmares.

Draven is a powerful man, and appearance is everything. His wife cannot make him look stupid. I have to be impeccable at everything, but I still have so much to learn about what it takes to be the wife of a Mafia King. Lessons Maria and Avery can no doubt teach me.

Maybe I should have told Draven how scared I still am. I know in my heart that he’d talk it through with me and make me feel safe and secure. I’m embarrassed that he heard me screaming in terror last night. I felt stupid when he came into the room, shushing me gently and telling me everything was okay now. He didn’t touch me; I couldn’t have him touch me right then. I was shaking, and I couldn’t get the feeling of those bugs and snakes, even Paul, off of my skin. It wasn’t even that I was dreaming about, but that’s what I could feel when I woke up, and it was all so confusing.

Draven sat beside me on my bed, and he spoke to me about our baby and all the amazing things we’ll be able to teach him or her. Tears fell from my eyes as I asked him if I’d even see my child if it should be a boy. I know my saying that again must have been driving him crazy. Draven had already told me he’d never do that to me, but everything I read told me otherwise. The Elders would take my son and raise him how they saw fit. I would not be able to see him until his sixteenth birthday. He would know I was his mother, but he wouldn’t know me at all. My son would not be able to feel or even show fear, compassion, or even love because it would make him weak.

I allowed Draven to take my hand as he told me Helen’s full story. Helen, Draven’s mother, begged Vinny, Draven’s uncle, the Don before him, to allow her to keep her little boy. Helen literally got on her knees in front of him and begged. She wanted to raise her little boy herself, as any mother would. She promised she wouldn’t stand in the way of any lessons Vinny wanted Draven to learn, but she would never allow Draven to be taken from her. Helen wanted Draven to know love and to learn how to give love. She believed a man could be strong and powerful even with compassion inside of him. It didn’t mean he wouldn’t know how to do his duty.

I smiled as Draven told me that his mother raised him by her hand, and even though she knew the man he would become one day, she taught him to love those who would love him the most in life. His family.

I closed my eyes and let the truth of his words fill me because I finally knew that he meant what he said. My son wouldn’t be going anywhere without me.

I told Draven a little about why I was so afraid when he entered the room. It wasn’t just because of what I’d seen in those dreams. It was due to the fact when I had nightmares as a child, horrible nightmares, I would scream out in fear, not able to shake away the feeling. My mother would come into the room I shared with Brooke, who herself would be trying to calm me, and my mother would drag me out of my bed and shake the life out of me. She would beat me, even drag me to the basement, and tie me up in there, leaving me down there until the following evening. She said it would toughen me up.

My mother could be cruel, but only to me. Molly Webster never bonded with me, or so she used to tell me. I don’t know what it was, but I was everything she never wanted. I was just a little girl, and I didn’t understand how she could be so cruel to me. Even at a very young age, I knew I had to protect my sister, no matter what. However, Mother never physically hurt Brooke, to my knowledge. Our father may have been vile to both of us, but our mother seemed to love Brooke in her own way.

Draven asked if that’s all my nightmare was about. I told him the truth. My nightmare was a bundle of so many things that I couldn’t be sure if I’d even dreamt any of it. Paul and his abuse, my father and his, the kidnap and torture, and then how I saw more men dragging me into a dark room where they tied me to a dripping pipe and left me down there. I was tortured in so many ways that I could literally feel it in my dreams. They threw bugs on me, ones that bit, and rats that also bit me. They threw water filled with piss and shi.t all over me. They asked me questions about Draven; they wanted information about him. They wanted me to tell them what I knew.

I remember how I wouldn’t tell them anything in my dream. The only thing I told them was that I’d never met Draven Vidal because, in my dream, they were his enemies, not men who worked for him. This was no loyalty test; this was pure torture. They electrocuted me and said I was a liar. Then, my dream morphed into a strange woman cutting off each one of my fingers before taking my baby for her own. I don’t know what woke me up exactly, but I remember this searing pain tearing through the side of my body.

Draven told me that after everything I’d been through over the years, it was no wonder my mind was mashed with it all. He told me I must try to put it out of my head. I’m safe now; no one can hurt me anymore. He also told me that he’d arrange for me to see a counselor who would come to the house and help me talk about everything.

I can’t deny that the idea of ridding myself of the past would be great right now. I’m going to be a mother in a few short months and Draven’s wife in even less time if we get this whole Paul thing sorted. I have to try and accept the life I’m now living. I will do that. I’ll put all that has passed behind me, and I will be the best mother and wife I can be.

Don’t hide it inside of you, Marnie. Take help if it’s needed. There is no shame in that.