Breathing

‘This is it!’ I take a step back and admire my work. It is not much, but it is mine. My own appartement. My first “home away from home”. Yes, sure I will miss the luxuries living with my parents, but I needed this. I needed to break away. I, Mary Parsons, is 25 for crying out loud. I need to be independent, I need to be able to look after myself! I have done all the right things, always been the good girl. I got my degree in marketing and I secured myself a good job. I can do this. Besides, mom and dad is only 44minutes away, not too close to smother me, but close enough if I do need them. Taking the last few empty boxes out to the garbage bin, I again admire the cute little complex, nestled in the middle of Stellenbosch. I feel alive breathing in the mild autumn air. I feel lucky that I found this at such a reasonable price. Property in this busy student town tend to be a bit pricey. This is where I always wanted to live. I first fell in love with Stellenbosch at the age of 6, accompaning my dad on a business trip. I just love all the old buildings, some kept to their former glory, others has been modernised. But one can still feel the history, it runs into your veins, it has a heart beat, it has a soul, it is alive. And I want to be a part of it. As student, mom and dad thought it best I study from our home in Cape Town, where they could take care of me and I could focus on my studies. My heart longed to be a student at the University of Stellenbosch, but I knew it would be tough for my parents to make ends meet if they had to pay for my studies and lodging. I thus kept my dream to myself and decided to work hard, pass and achieve my goal by myself. And here I am. The first day off the rest of my life. I make my way back to my apartment and I think it is time to relax in a nice long bubble bath. Packing up my room, moving, unpacking, shopping for a few furniture pieces, decorating, it all took a toll on me. I am not the athletic type or the party girl. I am a reader, an introvert. I get lost in my own mind. I am a dreamer. Physical work is not my thing and I can feel it in my tired muscles. I faintly hear the music from the restaurant down the street, the one always buzzing with life as students come and go, friends meeting up, having a nice meal and a good time. A part of me longs to be a part of the buzz, to be free and confident, to be the centre off every ones attention. But that is just not me, I would not even know where to start, I know I can carry a conversation and are well versed in a few subjects, but I never make friends with the first hello. With me it takes time, I need to analyse every one around me first and only once comfortable would I strike up a conversation. And this is probably why I can count all my friends on one hand, have one best friend and no boyfriend. I have always been okay on my own. As only child I got used to keeping myself busy. No older siblings to play with, and I only saw my cousins once or twice a year. I found adventure and love in the books I read. I love fantasy, heroes defying the odds, magic, wizards, love being stronger than death itself, lovers willing to sacrifice it all for the greater good. I would become the caracters in my books and live an amazing life. And sometimes I would wish a little bit of the fantasy could magically spill over into my reality. What would it feel like to be loved and touched by a man. To feel the butterflies erupt, the goosebumps run over your skin in antisipation of something erotic and magical to come. I could only imagine, as I know it all from reading, but have never experienced it first hand. And I am scared. I am a 25 year old never-been-kissed nerd. A virgin. Maybe I were never meant to meet the man of my dreams. Maybe I am meant to be a loner, a spectator. But somehow I just cannot shake the feeling that there should be more to my life than just existing. Even if I am just a plain Jane, I am not ugly, I am not a super model, but I do have all the right things in the right places. I have a lot to offer to a man. I can cook, I can converse, I can please. So okay, maybe I will not be a good one night stand, but I am marriage material. I am suddenly pulled from my thoughts when the cool evening breeze drifting in through my small open bathroom window reminds me that the water has gone cold and the bubbles disappeared ages ago. I quickly jump out of the bath and try to towel dry some heat back into my skin. I will have to order take out and get into bed as soon as possible, tomorrow will be a busy day. I cannot afford to be late for my meeting with our new marketing manager, he has a bit off a reputation for being difficult, intolerant and mean. Always expecting the best, and never wants too hear any excuses. Deadline driven, a machine. I will have my work cut out for me. So my first evening alone in my own apartment ended with me drifting off to sleep. Uneventful like my life. If only I knew this would be the last time my life would be so predictable and boring, if I knew what were to come, I would probably have safed the feeling, would have frozen time and space and just be.