Wanting

Remembrance -him-

My feet thumped on the steps as I hurried down the spiral staircase, fumbling with my worn brown leather weapons belt. Going through the lavish manor I decided to take a short cut through the unoccupied hallways near the ballroom. I was on my way to sword training at the barracks with Sir Dondario. I couldn’t be late not again he’d work me half dead for it. The man tended to enjoy making me sweat and suffer. I huffed as I passed the wall of gilded mirrors outside the grand ballroom. The mirrors were cleaned daily and were bordered by intricate golden swirls. I was almost past the endless hallway of mirrors when something caught my eye.

I stopped, my boots ruffling the ornate blood-red hallway rug, scrunching it up like the Lady of the manors tiny dog's wrinkled face. There in the mirror stood a shadow it was the shape of someone, the shadows hair moved in a breeze it must be a woman with long hair but she was shorter than I was. Her hand was stretched out reaching for something, she looked like she had stopped mid-action and then the shadow vanished. I stood there shocked at what I had seen, a pounding started in my head like the beating of a heavy war drum. My heartbeat picked up adding to the drumming in my head drowning out all my other senses leaving me frozen.

She reappeared a while later moving around with her back to me. I couldn't tear my gaze away I needed her to look back to see me as well. I needed to know if it was real. She finally turned and froze, she must have seen me. Then it hit me she was back, she had finally come back for me. My breaths became uneven, ripping through my chest. I had seen her before. The memory was hazy as her shape in the mirror. My breaths burned through me, it felt like the fire of a dragon traveling through my lungs. Then came the most excruciating pain I had ever felt, it felt like something was being ripped right out of my chest. It tore through my body, nausea hitting before I fell to my knees. Black spots swarmed in my vision as the air drained away.

I had no idea how long I was lying there passed out before a maid had called for Lady Edlynne. I could feel them standing over me flustered and fussing as women do. “Are you alright, oh please do wake up” Lady Edlynne sounded as if she was on the verge of tears and my eyes slowly creaked open. My vision was watery as I took in the blond petite girl on the floor before me, she was furiously waving a fan in my face to cool me off I suppose. My head was pounding and it felt like my skull would crack open any minute with the pressure that filled.

"I’m fine” my voice came out hoarse as I slowly sat up against the wood-paneled wall looking at my reflection in the mirror. My hair was messy as if I had just woken up, my eyes were smudged with dark shadows and I looked deathly pale. The shadow wasn’t in the mirror anymore which made my heartache of longing even stronger than the pounding in my head. I had felt for a moment as if for the first time in a long time I was somewhat whole and not broken when I had seen her. It reminded me of my childhood when I had moved to the Evergreen manor.

The childhood that had been stolen from me, along with the lives of my parents, gone and never to be gained back. She was gone for ten years and she would not be coming back just like my parents. No, no good would come from wandering back into the past, it was just a shadow and that was all it would be. I leaned heavily against the wall as the Lady and servant helped me stand upright. Back pressed tightly into the wood paneling the pounding in my head was worsening as I stood up. The maid was dressed in blue, the frills on her apron bright white.

The Lady and maid where tittering speaking aloud but none of it made sense to me the carpet suddenly seemed red like blood. I wished it would swallow me down with it as my world tilted. “Call for a healer I need to lie down,” I said before stumbling along the wall. With one hand on the wall, I slowly made my way back towards the stairs that lead to my tower room. I was breathing heavily when I reached the stairs. Grunting in pain with every few steps, everything ached. My head, my ribs but most of all I felt torn from the inside as if something had torn right out of me.

Lady Edlynne was at my side staring at me all doe-eyed and worried “I could help you,” she offered as she tried to lift my arm. “Just get the healer Edlynne,” I said dismissing her as I slowly started ascending the staircase. I was sprawled on the silken sheets of my large dark oak bed when the healer finally showed up. The pounding in my head hadn’t stopped and the aching in my chest was more of a burn now as if my soul itself was on fire.

Aeson shuffled into the room his robe made a soft scuffling noise as it flowed over the stone floor. The room was cold but my body felt like it was burning up. “Ah, young boy what have you done now,” the old man said sitting down on the edge of my bed putting his medical case down on my bedside table. "I don’t know but it hurts so much” I croaked the words out my voice raw. He took out a few instruments and started his work before he gave a big sigh and looked towards the roof “we need Loki”. He sighed again “I will send for him".

“Wait!” the shout came out raspy as it burst out of my raw throat. “Why? Why do we need that sly magician?” The old man had already gotten up and turned his back on me. “It is not your body my boy,” he half-whispered sadly. He turned around his eyes were glossy with unshed tears and full of pity as he said, “there is nothing I can do for you”. His eyes roamed around the room not daring to look at me, I finally managed to force the words out in a whisper trying to save my voice “If it is not my body then what is wrong with me”. The tower room seemed hollow and empty and the silence stretched on for a while as he finally looked at me. Our eyes were locked, his eyes were filled with concern and what seemed to be fear. The wind howled outside my tower room and I hoped, just hoped fate did not deal me the hand of death today.

“It is your soul, boy, there is something wrong with your soul”. He spared me one last glance before leaving the room the door loudly clicking into place. My soul, does he mean my anima mea or my physical soul. The pain could be linked to having an anima mea, but Sir Dondario had told me all the elder fae were dead, all but me. So no I did not have an anima mea.

My room was empty no one dared disturb me and I was blissfully alone. My body was burning up with the fever I lay there sweating upon my silken sheets. Magic, magic must be what is doing this to me, if we were as desperate to need help from Loki it must be really bad. A tear rolled down my cheek, leaving a streak of cold against all the warm skin. I hadn’t cried not since the night Sir Dondario had taken me away while my parents covered my escape burning in a castle I can hardly remember now. He brought me to the Evergreens, it was an odd name really for they lived in an eternal winter.

My thoughts were interrupted when the door burst open "It's your soul, he said it is right?” Sir Dondario was pacing before my bed, his black hair peppered with the white of age was in complete disarray. "He believes so yes" I was still whispering the fever had my throat worse. It was raw and it hurt to even swallow. He came over to my bedside slowly lifting my head as he placed the cup to my lips "drink, puer regem" he demanded in the old language. We were some of the last who still knew the forgotten language. "You know not to call me that" I whispered as he took the cup away.

"I will be back later to check on you, rest now do not worry," he said laying my head back down, he paced a while longer giving me a desperate glance before leaving and shutting the door. Puer regem the nickname he had given me after my father's death. My mind wandered back to the night. I was barely awake as my small body thudded against Sir Dondario's armor. We were going away from that castle. Away from my life before forcing me into a life of hiding.

Then I remembered the first time I had seen her. It had been my first day in the manor, up in this same room looking out the window. I was trying to make sense and wrap my head around the loss but then I saw her. I was never alone in my grief she had been there. There was more hidden in my memory thoughts moving like waves in the ocean one moment there and the next they were gone. I couldn’t focus on just one thought and my memories began to wander around on their own as I drifted off into a deep sleep. Dreaming of eyes as deep blue as an ocean slashed with white ice.